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How do I get over the anger?


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I recently posted in the newly diagnosed forum about my experience and symptoms. I had a feeling I had been exposed to herpes and I was finally able to make it to the doctor today. She took 1 look and immediately said it was herpes. She took some swabs and she said said the results will be back in 2 weeks. I do not doubt her diagnosis because it looks really bad. Like the way first outbreaks are described.

When I first started feeling these symptoms, I asked the guy about it. I asked him to be honest with me because I've never experienced any symptoms of an STD prior to this. In September, I was checked screened (including herpes, because I asked) and everything came back negative. My pap smear also came back normal. Now look at how the table's have turned.

Then I met him, he spent a lot of time to together. After having sex with him, he turned into a different person and got very distant. He also developed a lot of anger towards me, started calling me disrespectful names, saying that "you didn't get it from me, you already had a bump" when I never told him my EXACT symptoms, I just told him that I feel weird down there & a little sick. So I strongly suspect that he knew he had Herpes and knowingly infected me. He also took off the condom in the sex WITHOUT my knowledge, and although, I am aware the condom doesnt fully protect you, it still makes me mad because my chances would have been reduced. He also could have gotten me pregnant which would have been the "salt on the wound".

Now I am just feeling extremely angry at the whole suitation. I trusted him and he ended up infected with me an incureable STD and he tries to put the blame on me by saying I already had something? He calls me inconsiderate names and tells me to leave him alone. What's done is done but I am hurting a lot right now emotionally and I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I feel used, hurt, disrespected, angry, and sorry but I feel dirty. My vagina looks horrible =( I was given 3 prescriptions for metro gel, valtrex and something else. I got the metro gel, The valtrax was was partially filled (only 4) because they ran out, and my insurance wont cover the other medication until my doctor speaks to them. So I am frustrated about that too. Ugh, Sorry for the essay.:(

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Stay with us. And do visit chat often. You are right to be angry.

But the part of you being dirty is completely not true. This is a medical condition, but usually becomes a minor condition in most everyone. I have carried genital herpes for over 32 years and it has been a very small thing in my life and I am no exception, I am the norm. The stigma is complete nonsense. Don't agree with it.

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That man was a jerk. You didn't deserve that treatment from him.

If you roll around in the mud, or don't bathe for a few weeks, you will be dirty.

If you get herpes, you will have a virus. It's not unlike having the flu or chickenpox in that. They don't make you dirty and neither does herpes.

The stigma of herpes is entirely manufactured and new. Even though herpes has been around for thousands of years, it didn't hold this stigma until recently. When I was a kid going through sex ed, they didn't even mention herpes.

Someone else posted here recently that herpes was never considered a big deal until acyclovir came along (1982). Something to think about there!

The fact that genital herpes usually involves sexual contact for transmission plays on the guilt feelings folks have about sex. If you buy into the idea that sex is bad or dirty, then it could follow that herpes would be something dirty and shameful.

You are not dirty. You are not disgusting. You have no reason to be ashamed. That guy who betrayed you and then treated you poorly should be ashamed of his behavior, but not you. You are still you --- and herpes can't change that one bit unless you let it.


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You have every right to be angry. The guy I got it from refused to wear protection and he wouldn't stop having sex with me. I felt violated, as though I was raped. Then to find out that I got herpes (HSV-1 AND HSV-2!!!!) from him, well, I actually fantasized about killing the asswipe.

To tell the truth, I'm stilll angry because it hasn't really been that long (found out Oct 6th), but the extreme anger and hurt does ease off after awhile. You feel violated and hurt and don't know if you can ever trust another living soul, but it gets better with time....it really does. There are far more good, honest people out there than there are jerks like the guys that infected us.....

When I first found out, I took it a day at a time. After a week, I decided to take it a week at a time. After a month, well a month at a time. I confided in a few of my very close friends, which made me feel better. I started seeing a counselor who specializes in counseling women, and I felt even better. Look at this forum as free counseling :)

What helped me was telling a few close friends and feeding off how understanding and sympathetic they were. I chose to let go of my anger of the guy who gave it to me, because I WILL NOT pass this on to people unknowingly like he did to me because I'm the better person. I did TONS of research online, finding out that not only does the disease 'burn out' over time (your first year will be the worst), but there are TONS of research facilities all over the world working on a cure. Google "IRB Spain herpes" and you will find news that will make you smile.

And this may seem trite, but at first, I would look in the mirror and repeat this over and over:

"I have herpes, but herpes doesn't have me"

In time, you'll believe yourself and get back to normal....live life and be happy.

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Depending on what the laws are in your state (we have a section on that) i agree with angryblwmn... and call the health department.

Aside from that... swear to god... try kick boxing dude and yoga. Two totally different activities, both help with stress levels and anger.

Ask yourself this.... in the long run, what is being angry going to do for you? *sigh*... but for now... KICK THE ISH outta his FACE in a kickboxing class man! You'll let go of that anger when you're good and ready to, for now... we're all ears for venting. I posted on one of your other ones yesterday too... add me if you need a friend.

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    • sgt98
      Hey @WilsoInAus ok thank you, I will do my best to move on and stop trawling forums haha. 
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @sgt98 but there is no feasible infection or outbreak to suppress and antivirals do not suppress an initial outbreak in any event 
    • sgt98
      Thanks @WilsoInAus I understand apologies for this but the only other thing I am worried about is that I did take a course of Famvir on day 1 as I felt like I was having an outbreak of cold sores and am worried that has suppressed the initial outbreak genitally 
    • WilsoInAus
      Hi @sgt98 it is not feasible to obtain a HSV-2 infection from receiving oral sex - only HSV-1 is feasible but you've already got that and immunity from any further infection with HSV-1. You do not need any further tests for HSV. You're feeling regret, try to forgive yourself and calm down, let the rational take over. You know the answer here and it won't be long until you believe it too.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hi @NerdP423 and welcome to the website. You raise a lot of points and I think the best way to address your concerns is add some comments at each key point. I've copied your note again below and added these comments in square brackets. I appreciate any insight (even speculation) as to what has been going on with me. I'm a 37y/o M. I last was intimate with a new partner on 2/11/2022, and a few days later started having a huge amount of discomfort in my face. [The first thing that happens though is that herpes causes lesions or at least some skin based disruption. Other symptoms are then related to the actions of the immune system responding to the virus. Without lesions, it is highly questionable that the ailment is related to herpes, yet testing is useful if you have concerns as you have done so.] About a month after that [herpes causes issues within days, if the first 'symptoms' are a month later - its extremely unlikely they are related to herpes], significant discomfort downstairs, however every test I have ever taken for HSV 1 and 2 has been negative. Here are the details: Face: Previously, some significant tingling and itching on the right side of my mouth, lips and chin (still there, but milder) [herpes does not cause general tingling and itching, it can cause a reasonably concentrated feeling of itch/throb from which a herpes lesion appears within hours]. Occasional hot flashes near my right eye, cheek and ear [herpes does not do this, it may be a immune response to something, or stress]. Sometimes it will feel like the skin is crawling on the right side of my face [herpes does not cause a general crawling sensation]. Never seen anything that looked like a traditional cold sore [that's extremely telling, even people with associated atypical symptoms will have experienced herpes lesions]. Occasionally, the left side of my face will have a momentary feeling of skin crawling, but it's so mild that I am not really worried about it. Downstairs: Thankfully, most of these are now milder than they were before. Occasional momentary pinch of pain at the base of my genitals. [herpes does not cause a general pinch feeling.] Aching pain in my boxer area (groin, leg folds) [nor this] Occasional feeling of cold in my boxer area, butt, or lower back. ( also in my shins and occasionally even my arms) [nor this] On 4/30/2022, I had been in discomfort for almost two months. I scratched an itch, noticed it hurt, and then checked - I did have an open ulcer down there. Took myself to the ER to get swabbed, came back negative. [If this was a PCR then this will be very conclusive.] Practitioner said it may come back negative because it was already open. However the lab report noted that it definitely didn't look like what you'd expect a typical first herpes outbreak to look like [how would the lab know??]. All blood tests negative so far. I had two western blots, the second one was nine months after exposure. [Two negative Westernblots!!! Many that's real convincing]. All other swabs also negative. I went to urgent care, because I know the timeliness of when the Swab is taken matters. One time, a swab was not done, because practitioner said it was folliculitis and wouldn't swab it (It was at my belt line). [Belt line is highly unlikely to relate to herpes.]   A blood test revealed I had low-ish B12 (technically in range, but at the very low end, especially for a man of my size). I had a series of B12 injections, and I am taking a B12 supplement. I am not taking any lysine or arginine at the moment. I was taking the Arganine to see if I could induce an outbreak. [This is irrelevant, there is no known linkage between herpes outbreaks and arginine/lysine intake - its a myth - and B12 infers nothing.] I think what I am asking is - has anyone here ever repeatedly tested negative over and over again over long period of time, before getting a definitive answer, be a positive test, or something else? [The answer to this is: Extremely few people with a HSV-1 infection and even more rarely HSV-2 test repeatedly negative on Westernblot and actually carry the virus. Of the cases that I know of that had delayed detection by a swab and negative blood tests in the meantime (and that's only 3-4 cases), they had some form of lesions within days of infection but did not obtain a swab for various reasons and then obtained a positive swab of a subsequent lesion with the record being 11 months later. A couple of the cases did have some 'background' symptoms they thought might be related to herpes but that isn't ascertained and some did not have any unusual symptoms at all apart from the lesions. Hence as you did not have lesions around your mouth or lips within days of the last sexual encounter as is exceptionally common for a primary oral HSV-1 infection, that pretty much rules out herpes orally as it is. The fact that you had no genital symptoms for a month also rules out genital herpes. I am not aware of anyone at all who has genuinely gone on to test positive by swab or blood in your specific circumstances. There are hundreds if not more than a thousand experiences on this website alone that are similar to yours that are truly negative for herpes I'm one of them!]  
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