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New to this... how do you tell a new partner about it?

nervousone

By nervousone
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nervousone Newbie

nervousone

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So, I'm with a girl now that I believe gave me the virus (she just tested positive for HSV 2 after me). I'm afraid I find myself staying with her b/c I'm afraid of telling a new partner about it down the road. Any advise? Has anyone gone through that and how does it go?

Thanks for your input!

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nycgirl87 Honeycomb Member

nycgirl87

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Don't stay with someone for those kinds of reasons if you don't really want to stay with her :). Just make sure to do it before you get intimate, don't set it up to be a huge serious thing (may freak the other person out), and just lay down the facts. Just be honest :). Some people may not accept it (found that out this week), but it's better to let them know before it becomes serious. Good luck!

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lothar Honeycomb Member

lothar

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So far I have told two partners about it, one accepted me (#1) and the other rejected me (#2). In hindsight, here is what I learned comparing the two experiences.

Me and #1 were pretty much falling in love before I told her. I waited about 3 months dating her to tell her, we didn't have sex that whole time. We were a great match and she really appreciated all of my qualities, so when I told her, to my surprise, she wasn't that freaked out and still wanted to be with me. We ended up staying together for 2.5 years and she never caught it from me.

However, #2 was a good bit younger than me and although we had a pretty good connection, it wasn't very strong. This was more of a casual relationship where we generally liked each other and had nothing else better to do. Even though I was very sweet to her for the 2 months that we dated, she didn't really appreciate it or my qualities like the other girl did. She was a little self-centered. She said she wanted to think about it and a week later we broke it off. She said that she was young and didn't think this was going to turn into a serious relationship but if it did she would feel differently.

Looking back on it, I was single for awhile after #1 and started to get a little lonely. I was falling in love with the idea of falling in love more than the qualities of #2. We were not a great match, and she felt that, but my loneliness made me blind to it. She had so many red flags that I ignored just because I wanted to be in a relationship, if we had stayed together it probably would have lasted 6 months.

So, in hindsight, only tell people that are worth it, because those are the only ones likely to accept it and also those are the only ones worth telling. All you have to do is sit down on the couch and say you feel strongly about them but before it goes any further you need to tell them something personal. The less freaked out about it you are the less they will get freaked out. If the connection is strong enough and that person really cherishes who you are, they will accept you. Coincidentally those are the best relationships also. So in a way H weeds out the folks that aren't meant for you anyway.

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nycgirl87 Honeycomb Member

nycgirl87

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I was actually thinking about how I would handle people I was just casually dating and didn't see much of a future with. But then again how do you know if you have a future with someone so early in? Decisions, decisions!

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lothar Honeycomb Member

lothar

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i think you have to combine your heart, head and gut. first you have to feel strongly about them, if you're not in love yet are you falling in love or do you feel like you could fall in love (heart)? does this person have the qualities you are looking for in a person and not a lot of red flags or deal breakers that you know would get old (head)? what does your gut feeling tell you about them, do they seem like they are accepting of imperfections or are they critical and judgmental (gut)?

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RealisticGal Platinum Support Member

RealisticGal

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I was actually thinking about how I would handle people I was just casually dating and didn't see much of a future with. But then again how do you know if you have a future with someone so early in? Decisions, decisions!

Casual sex is all fine and good. I get it that many folks new to herpes get upset because they feel that may be a lot more complicated, or even impossible, now. But really, I do think that it is a good thing to tap the brakes a bit because of herpes being in the picture. You don't necessarily have to come to a full stop, but it doesn't hurt to slow down just a bit.

It doesn't matter if you see someone as having long term relationship potential or not. What you do with a person, even only one time, could have a long term effect on their life.

They deserve to make an informed decision since you know your status.

Don't you wish you had been able to make that choice?

The other thing is, think how a person (no matter how little potential they have) will feel about you...and how they might react...if you fail to disclose and they get herpes. The recriminations are bound to be much more severe if you don't tell than they would be if you gave them a choice.

Just my opinion, but I believe the bottom line is that anyone who has herpes and knows it should always disclose.

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lothar Honeycomb Member

lothar

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RealisticGal,

Just to be clear, I'm not saying you shouldn't tell people that don't have potential AND sleep with them.

I'm saying that I only have sex with people that I tell about H. And the only people I tell about H are the ones that have potential. That's all.

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RealisticGal Platinum Support Member

RealisticGal

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RealisticGal,

Just to be clear, I'm not saying you shouldn't tell people that don't have potential AND sleep with them.

I'm saying that I only have sex with people that I tell about H. And the only people I tell about H are the ones that have potential. That's all.

That's good --- and I didn't think otherwise, lothar. Your disclosure policy is sound and I agree with it.

I was just responding to nycgirl87's post. The main thing (as I see it) is that anyone with whom you intend to be intimate deserves to know beforehand. If you can't give a person that much respect, to make a choice, why would you sleep with them?

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Juliet Newbie

Juliet

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Hi all, I got herpes from someone who raped me. That was 3-years ago now. I have not been in a relationship since then but am now ready to go out dating once again. I really don't want to tell a person that I am only just dating about the rape or about the herpes.... but I know I will have to. I am so embarrassed about having this disease. How do you explain to someone about recurrent outbreaks and the risk that they may be taking by being with me?

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RealisticGal Platinum Support Member

RealisticGal

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Hi all, I got herpes from someone who raped me. That was 3-years ago now. I have not been in a relationship since then but am now ready to go out dating once again. I really don't want to tell a person that I am only just dating about the rape or about the herpes.... but I know I will have to. I am so embarrassed about having this disease. How do you explain to someone about recurrent outbreaks and the risk that they may be taking by being with me?

Awwww, hon... You do not have to tell these things to someone you are "just dating."

Dating is supposed to be about fun. It is supposed to be a chance to get to know someone better while doing fun things together. It is supposed to be a way to decide if you want to get more serious, but you don't have to.

So have fun. Get to know guys better while having fun with them.

Once you do know a guy better, then you can decide whether or not you are interested in being intimate with that guy. You can figure out whether or not they are worth your intimacy.

If a guy is worth it, then hopefully you will have decided that is a person you feel you can trust to tell about the rape and herpes.

There is no reason to tell before that.

When you are at a point that you want to tell someone, you can approach it a number of ways. The main thing is, don't make it more than it is. Don't get all dramatic or weepy or anything like that. The person you tell is likely to take their cue from you about how big of a deal herpes is. So if you dramatize it, they will think it is some horrible thing.

You might take a tip from what one gal posted in this forum: "I'm not sure how docs/nurses react in the US but in the UK the docs really don't see it as a big thing. I spoke to a nurse today and I was the 7th person she had to tell that was possitive for HSV-2!!! she was awsome - she said that in new relationships I should let them know my simply saying "i know my sexual health history, I think you should know I carry the herpes virus. Do you know your sexual health history because I think you should also check before we take this relationship further".

Remeber YOU don't want anything from THEM! I know not everyone will think it's a good thing to say but for me I loved it. SOOO many people don't know they have it and we should all be smug that we take care of ourselves and know our bodies. Every fourth person I see I'm like "you have herpes.....you have herpes"

However you decide to tell, be prepared to answer questions for the guy. You can let them know there are things you can do, precautions you can take, to decrease the chances of transmission. Yes, there is always a chance and they should know that. But there will be guys who will see that you are worth the chance. :wavey:

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coming2terrms Newbie

coming2terrms

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wow. everything here is so super helpful. I recently found out that I have the virus and now need to share with partner. We've only been seeing each other for four months so I'm really really scared about it. We've had unprotected sex recently and so I'm even more scared that I may have passed this to him. heesh. I'll let you all know how the conversation goes...

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RealisticGal Platinum Support Member

RealisticGal

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wow. everything here is so super helpful. I recently found out that I have the virus and now need to share with partner. We've only been seeing each other for four months so I'm really really scared about it. We've had unprotected sex recently and so I'm even more scared that I may have passed this to him. heesh. I'll let you all know how the conversation goes...

It's not easy to have to tell, of course. Courage, hon!

It's admirable that you are worried about him. Just keep in mind that you didn't know, so there is no way you could have told him ahead of time.

Also keep in mind that he might be the person from whom you got herpes, after all. And yeah, he might or might not have known.

Just don't assume that you are the one who had it first. It's pretty hard to know that for sure.

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