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trying to stay positive, yet TERRIFIED :(


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hi everyone...im glad that i came across this forum...im new to this. ive been through A LOT of stress lately because of extreme marital issues..wife has taken me through hell and back with her infidelity, controlling nature, etc. but its pushed me to the limit of wanting a divorce....so stressed that ive broken down a few times....2 days ago, i kept getting a tingling feeling down low, and over the next 48 hours ive developed a bad rash that itches/burns like CRAZY and there's a few tender bumps.....im soooo scared because i havent been with anyone else and she SWEARS shes never cheated...ive been told that herpes can lay dormant for YEARS, so theres no true way of finding where it came from if it is herpes that i seem to have.....please....im begging for advice and help....thats for your time everyone! God bless :-/

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Hi...sorry you are going through a very difficult time right now.

You mention infidelity, and you say your wife swears she hasn't cheated. You also mention about the dormancy factor of herpes. Well, it sounds like you have been doing a bit of research. Just know that herpes is not proof of infidelity. It is quite possible that either or both of you might have had herpes prior to getting together. An outbreak now doesn't necessarily mean anyone cheated.

Best advice I can give is you should run quick like a bunny and get the rash swabbed and cultured while the lesions are fresh, and at the same time get a Type Specific IgG-based Herpes Blood Test. Find out whether your are dealing with herpes or something else, and treat whatever it is as necessary.

Dealing with your relationship would be better based on deciding what is really happening between the two of you and how you want to proceed, not on accusations and recriminations that may or may not be true.

Once you get your tests done, you could start studying the links on the right side of this page while waiting for the results. That way you can learn more about how herpes can behave, and how to deal with it if you do have it.

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thanks for that....its hard because i have no one to talk to about this. if i mentioned it to her (like any and everything else i try to talk to her about) it would just get thrown in my face and she'd go around to all her friends and family and throw me under the bus like she normally does......as for the relationship, i hate to say it but im not gunna take it anymore...ive been an amazing husband and im an outstanding father. but my new dilemma is A) tell her before i finish this divorce process, she blows up and spreads the word, that is, if it is in fact herpes that i have B) continue the divorce process, get away from this nightmare of a "relationship", THEN go and get tested.....i feel bad as if ive done sumthing....we've all been to college....i cant sit here and say that i didnt have an ACTIVE sex life in college, but her college years were "prostitute-like"....she gets ANGRY anytime anyyyyone comments about anything involving her and college.....ive ALWAYS practiced safe sex, but she didnt...and if it came from her, id be devistated :(

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You can talk to us here. I know it isn't quite the same, but it's something, okay?

Here are a few thoughts for you...

It sounds like your relationship is a nightmare. It's sad (to me) when any marriage fails, but sometimes it is the right thing to get out for the sake of your own health. Sounds like that is the case for you.

Don't put off getting tested. There is no reason she has to know about it. You can go to Planned Parenthood or some other confidential clinic. But don't put it off because this might be the only time you ever have a rash/symptoms there. If that is the case, this would be your only chance to get it swabbed and cultured to get a definitive diagnosis. You might never again have symptoms, but that wouldn't mean you did not have herpes. So please, do yourself a favor and go get that rash checked while it is fresh, so you can get accurate results.

Herpes can lie dormant for years, then pop up in the middle of a marriage and cause suspicions of infidelity. Many of us have had active sex lives prior to marriage. There is nothing wrong with that in my opinion. The fact is, you may never know who first got herpes or when. It's a sneaky little bastard of a virus. The best thing is to forget about trying to figure out who/when. Just let that and any blame go if you possibly can. There is no point in allowing yourself to be "devastated." Since neither of you was a virgin before you got together, the potential was there for either of you to have brought herpes into the marriage, and it doesn't necessarily mean it happened after you were together. Apparently you knew about her history before you married her, so what's the point of being devastated?

There is no such thing as "safe sex" when it comes to herpes. Condoms only cover a small portion of the skin surface that can shed the virus. So try to forget about her college years versus yours. Maybe she was with a lot more partners than you. And maybe she was not as careful about using condoms. But it takes only one time with one partner to get herpes, and it can happen even if you use condoms every time.

Please go get your tests done ASAP. Then let us know how things are going.

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umm here is my thought if you do have it understanding what yousaid about wifey she probably did give it to you.

get rid of the wife and get tested immdediatly . You do not have a merriage if you cannot even talk to your wife without her blowing it up then you dont have a real merriage faithful or not

good luck and [please get tested

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You know that old saying..... how do you eat an elephant? You take little bites.....

Well, that's what you need to do right now. You need to tackle the upcoming changes in your life one thing at a time.

As Realistic says, try and get a test ASAP while the symptoms are still present. This is the most accurate way to get a diagnosis. No one needs to know that this what you are doing - it's between you and your doctor. I know it's a tricky time of year with holidays but hopefully it will also help take your mind off things while you wait for the results.

Once that is done, then you will know what you are dealing with.... it could be herpes, it could be something else or it could be something minor that can be dealt with medically.

Then the next step is what to do with your marriage and how you go about telling your wife. Perhaps your local sexual health clinic offers counselling services? Talking to an impartial professional may be of assistance to you right now - they are used to talking with those affected by infidelity and relationship issues. It may be helpful to you in where you go to next. I know I had a session when I was diagnosed and I found it invaluable. They also offered a subsidised rate for the service.

Then you go from there..... so take a deep breath and then take a small bite. Trying to tackle the whole issue right now seems daunting from where I sit now, so I can only imagine the stress you are under.

So please try and get a medical appointment. We will all be right here through it so come back and let us know how you get on.

Good luck to you.

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    • sgt98
      Hey @WilsoInAus ok thank you, I will do my best to move on and stop trawling forums haha. 
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @sgt98 but there is no feasible infection or outbreak to suppress and antivirals do not suppress an initial outbreak in any event 
    • sgt98
      Thanks @WilsoInAus I understand apologies for this but the only other thing I am worried about is that I did take a course of Famvir on day 1 as I felt like I was having an outbreak of cold sores and am worried that has suppressed the initial outbreak genitally 
    • WilsoInAus
      Hi @sgt98 it is not feasible to obtain a HSV-2 infection from receiving oral sex - only HSV-1 is feasible but you've already got that and immunity from any further infection with HSV-1. You do not need any further tests for HSV. You're feeling regret, try to forgive yourself and calm down, let the rational take over. You know the answer here and it won't be long until you believe it too.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hi @NerdP423 and welcome to the website. You raise a lot of points and I think the best way to address your concerns is add some comments at each key point. I've copied your note again below and added these comments in square brackets. I appreciate any insight (even speculation) as to what has been going on with me. I'm a 37y/o M. I last was intimate with a new partner on 2/11/2022, and a few days later started having a huge amount of discomfort in my face. [The first thing that happens though is that herpes causes lesions or at least some skin based disruption. Other symptoms are then related to the actions of the immune system responding to the virus. Without lesions, it is highly questionable that the ailment is related to herpes, yet testing is useful if you have concerns as you have done so.] About a month after that [herpes causes issues within days, if the first 'symptoms' are a month later - its extremely unlikely they are related to herpes], significant discomfort downstairs, however every test I have ever taken for HSV 1 and 2 has been negative. Here are the details: Face: Previously, some significant tingling and itching on the right side of my mouth, lips and chin (still there, but milder) [herpes does not cause general tingling and itching, it can cause a reasonably concentrated feeling of itch/throb from which a herpes lesion appears within hours]. Occasional hot flashes near my right eye, cheek and ear [herpes does not do this, it may be a immune response to something, or stress]. Sometimes it will feel like the skin is crawling on the right side of my face [herpes does not cause a general crawling sensation]. Never seen anything that looked like a traditional cold sore [that's extremely telling, even people with associated atypical symptoms will have experienced herpes lesions]. Occasionally, the left side of my face will have a momentary feeling of skin crawling, but it's so mild that I am not really worried about it. Downstairs: Thankfully, most of these are now milder than they were before. Occasional momentary pinch of pain at the base of my genitals. [herpes does not cause a general pinch feeling.] Aching pain in my boxer area (groin, leg folds) [nor this] Occasional feeling of cold in my boxer area, butt, or lower back. ( also in my shins and occasionally even my arms) [nor this] On 4/30/2022, I had been in discomfort for almost two months. I scratched an itch, noticed it hurt, and then checked - I did have an open ulcer down there. Took myself to the ER to get swabbed, came back negative. [If this was a PCR then this will be very conclusive.] Practitioner said it may come back negative because it was already open. However the lab report noted that it definitely didn't look like what you'd expect a typical first herpes outbreak to look like [how would the lab know??]. All blood tests negative so far. I had two western blots, the second one was nine months after exposure. [Two negative Westernblots!!! Many that's real convincing]. All other swabs also negative. I went to urgent care, because I know the timeliness of when the Swab is taken matters. One time, a swab was not done, because practitioner said it was folliculitis and wouldn't swab it (It was at my belt line). [Belt line is highly unlikely to relate to herpes.]   A blood test revealed I had low-ish B12 (technically in range, but at the very low end, especially for a man of my size). I had a series of B12 injections, and I am taking a B12 supplement. I am not taking any lysine or arginine at the moment. I was taking the Arganine to see if I could induce an outbreak. [This is irrelevant, there is no known linkage between herpes outbreaks and arginine/lysine intake - its a myth - and B12 infers nothing.] I think what I am asking is - has anyone here ever repeatedly tested negative over and over again over long period of time, before getting a definitive answer, be a positive test, or something else? [The answer to this is: Extremely few people with a HSV-1 infection and even more rarely HSV-2 test repeatedly negative on Westernblot and actually carry the virus. Of the cases that I know of that had delayed detection by a swab and negative blood tests in the meantime (and that's only 3-4 cases), they had some form of lesions within days of infection but did not obtain a swab for various reasons and then obtained a positive swab of a subsequent lesion with the record being 11 months later. A couple of the cases did have some 'background' symptoms they thought might be related to herpes but that isn't ascertained and some did not have any unusual symptoms at all apart from the lesions. Hence as you did not have lesions around your mouth or lips within days of the last sexual encounter as is exceptionally common for a primary oral HSV-1 infection, that pretty much rules out herpes orally as it is. The fact that you had no genital symptoms for a month also rules out genital herpes. I am not aware of anyone at all who has genuinely gone on to test positive by swab or blood in your specific circumstances. There are hundreds if not more than a thousand experiences on this website alone that are similar to yours that are truly negative for herpes I'm one of them!]  
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