Managing the pyschological effects of herpes in relationship

[Pia]

To negative partners in herpes-positive relationships: how did you manage the psychological effects of herpes in your relationship? Did you have intimacy issues when you first found out? What did you do to privately process your feelings and/or fears about it, without shaming or hurting your partner? How did you get over it? Besides research and prevention techniques (condoms, Valtrex, herbal supplements, nutrition, etc), do you have any advice for overcoming psychological fears in the bedroom?

I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year, and I love him dearly. I recently found out he has HSV-2. I am still struggling with this issue because I’m a bit of a hypochondriac. I see the look on his face when I ask him about a suspicious spot on his penis…or tell him about something new I read about herpes. It hurts me, knowing I am hurting or embarrassing him. Yet I still have my own feelings I need process too. Every time we try to have sex, it opens the wound for both of us all over again… no matter how careful we are being. I would like to have a normal sex life with him, but more importantly, I would like to move past this because he is very special to me. I do not want herpes to be the focus of our relationship (because we are so much bigger than that). We want to be together forever, and plan to marry one day.

[RealisticGal]

Hi there, Pia.

I am also in a serodiscordant relationship with a man who has herpes.

My situation is a bit different from yours because he told me he had herpes before we ever became intimate. He knew I would research it thoroughly. I did, and one of the first web sites I found was this one, which has been quite helpful by presenting a balanced view of herpes simplex without all the sensationalism you can find on some other sites. I quickly came to the conclusion that herpes was usually not a big deal medically, and that the social stigma is the worst part, but is totally manufactured and false.

I looked at the transmission statistics. They seem comforting, but I realized that I could always land in that 1% to 8%. So I decided I had to be okay with that --- I had to accept that there will always be a chance I will get herpes --- or I had to walk away from starting an intimate relationship with this man.

Okay, so to answer some of the questions you asked.

• As in any new intimate relationship, we had some issues. But they were more of the "where do I put my elbow?" "does my breath smell okay?" "do I look fat in this nightie?" "am I as good in bed as his exes?" variety. At least that is most of what I was feeling and thinking about.
  

• I did think a little about the possibility that he might be shedding virus and I might get herpes the first couple of times we were together. I also imagined feelings of itching and tingling and swelling on my lip for several days after we were together the first 2 times. But nothing ever came of it. Now I honestly do not think about herpes during intimacy with him.
  

• I absolutely don't want my guy to feel like he was a walking herp. He has enough of those feelings without my help. And to be honest, I just don't see him that way.
  
  

• I came to my place of peace and zen on my own. I did not need any reassurance from him because he was never pushing me to have sex. If anything, he was the more reluctant one. I think that helped me a lot because I didn't feel pressured at all. In fact, my biggest concern was whether or not he would be able to handle it.
  

• We did talk about which precautions to take. That discussion is necessary, of course.
  
  

• As far as overcoming psychological fears in the bedroom, I refer you back to my conclusion that I had to be able to accept that there will always be a chance I will get herpes or else walk away from him. If you can't accept that chance, and really be okay with it, I'm not sure you will ever really get past those feelings of fear.
  
  

• Perhaps, rather than discuss every single new thing you find out about herpes with your guy, you can talk to us about it. Then, if you still feel a need to address it with him, you can. But maybe you will be able to weed out some of the stuff here first.
  

• How does he feel about the possibility of giving you herpes? Did you guys talk that all out already?
  

• That brings me to my next question/point: As far as suspicious spots on his parts --- is he aware of his signals that an outbreak might be coming --- his prodrome symptoms? Have you guys talked about that? If so, I would hope he has said he will pay close attention to those and be very forthcoming if he thinks something is about to happen.
  
  

• If you haven't talked about it, you should. If you already have and he has assured you he is being as aware as possible, I would say you need to trust him on that. (Or walk away.)
  

Bottom line, whether you stay with this guy in an intimate relationship for a week, or all the way through to marriage and ever after, you may get herpes. You need to come to accept that or it is going to make you crazy. JMO

One thing to keep in mind is that you know this man has herpes. With anyone else out there, you might not know. Another guy might not know he has herpes (or something else!). Another guy might know but not tell. Another guy might know but flat-out lie about it. With this guy, you know.

Hope this helps. We do have issues of our own. It's good we can talk about it here.

[Pia]

RealisticGal,

Thank you for your reply. Your suggestions make a lot of sense. I do need to come to terms with the possibility that I could get herpes. This one is a hard one for me. I am 32, and I have been so careful. I never had a one-night stand, and I always waited a long time before being intimate with people. (I do not mean to say that I couldn't get herpes from someone I've been dating long-term, only that I've been selective). Before I met my boyfriend (well, actually up until a few months ago!), I always thought people who had herpes were ****ty or irresponsible, etc. I perpetuated that social stigma...and ironically, here I am...in love with a wonderful man who has it! To answer your question, we have not talked about what would realistically happen if I got it...I really don't think that's entered his mind yet (denial). But I think it is an important conversation to have, and part of the acceptance process you talk about, RealisticGal. I will talk about it with him.

Some details about our situation: he got it when he was younger (mid 20s), and he was afraid to tell me for fear I would leave him. He has not had an outbreak in over 10 years, and as far as he knows, he has never given it to any of his partners (he is 42). He says he definitely knows the signs of prodome symtoms: tingling, joint pain, etc. So, yes I do need to trust him. We do not have sex often and when we do, we use condoms. (BTW- he was of that generation who believed he can't give it to someone else as long as he wasn't having an outbreak...I quickly schooled him on that myth!) Keeping this a secret from me has impacted our sex life b/c he rarely ever initiated sex or seemed interested in it. He was like your guy...he was not pushing me. I cried for days after he first told me, but in the end, I forgave him because 1) I love him, 2) I couldn't see myself living without him, and 3) I could understand why he didn't tell me. I read a lot about herpes immediately after I found out (as I said, I'm a bit of hypochondriac and an information junkie). We decided to try Valtrex daily, as I read that can cut viral shedding rates by half. Eventually, we would like to stop using condoms... but obviously we are not there yet. Baby steps.

Questions for you, RealisticGal: how long have you been with your man? Do you use condoms, Valtrex...or simple abstinence during outbreaks? What is his situation like...how long has he had it...does he still have outbreaks? How long did it take you to accept it (from the time he told you, to the time you were able to have sex without worrying about it)? Is it possible to ever be free from the worry/anxiety? To me, the anxiety is more damaging to intimacy than anything else.

And to your last point...yes...his doctor told him the same thing! He may actually be safer b/c he knows he has it. The truth is, it took me a long time to find someone like him...and he says the same thing about me. It sucks that we have to deal with this...but I also know the kind of a--holes who are out there. I would much rather be with my best friend and my love than to try to date again (and possibly end up dating someone who has this and doesn't know it). My work is to accept it...which I am trying to do now.

Thanks again for your reply. It helps to talk with other people besides my boyfriend.

[MsLucy]

This is interesting. Maybe I can shed some light on what it's like when you're in a relationship with a positive person, and the little buggers do 'jump the fence'.

My partner and I have been together about 10 years now. He's gotten cold sores since he was a child. He also carries HSV2 genitally, from an 8 year relationship with a positive person before we met. He's never had a genital ob, and we never used any protection at all. Like most people, he thought it couldn't be passed if there were no symptoms. I knew, on some level, that I could get it, but I was sooo in love, and I wanted to be with him so badly, I chose to ignore the whole thing. It wouldn't have mattered to me what he had. As long as he was still in one piece and everything worked, I was game.

It took years for me to start showing symptoms, and when I did, it never occurred to me that it could be herpes. I was convinced I was sensitive to certain kinds of toilet paper. That's how naive I was. Over a period of time, I tried literally every kind of TP on the market, searching for one that didn't cause me to 'break out'. Finally, in desperation, I showed him what was going on, and he said, "That looks like herpes".

WHAT!!???

I had a dr's appt that week anyway, had a culture done, and sure enough, there it was in black and white... HSV2.... ARGH!!!!

Well, he felt horrible, I felt horrible. I cried, he moped. He apologized, then he apologized again... and again, and again, and again. For three days this went on, and then I got to a point where I couldn't stand all the moping around anymore. I was sick to death of feeling sorry for myself, and sick to death of him feeling guilty. He assured me that I was still as attractive to him as ever (which he proved to me as soon as my ob cleared up ) and that was the end of it.

Sometimes, I vaguely I wish I didn't have herpes, but in order for that to be true, I would have missed having him in my life. Would I want that? No. Not for one minute. I never look back, and if we broke up tomorrow, I still wouldn't regret anything... not even the herpes. It was just part of the package he came with. And I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Over the past 10 years, we've been through some really bizarre and difficult situations, and I have to say... honestly, herpes was not the worst of them. Not even close. There are sooo many things in life that can make herpes seem almost... inconsequential. I think we've encountered most of them , but we're still together, still rockin', and still can't imagine what we'd do without one another.

Yeah, I got his herpes, but I also got... wonderful, sexy, intelligent, witty, handsome, affectionate, thoughtful, generous (not to mention smokin' hot!) him. Did I say herpes? Who cares?

[d00m kitty]

hehehe I loved reading your post MsLucy!! LOL

I am following this thread with interest......since I'm GHSV2 positive & hubby isn't. Honestly, I think I have more 'issues' re herpes than he does!! We haven't as yet had sex since I got it, early days, with OBs etc.

But yes it is good to hear what other couples are going through & how they deal with things. And, yeah there are most certainly BIGGER things in life than herpes!!

[lillie755]

Hi all,

I loved the postive aspect of this tread..I have HSV-1 and I do not date someone unless they are HSV-1 postive but I did meet a person who was willing to accept me reguardless..they could not believe this was the reason I could not be with them. Oddly they were the type of person who feared germs at all costs! So when I told them before we did anything..actually I broke things off and explained to them why we could not be together..they cried and said they felt we could work through this.

We went to the doctor's together and got information...my partner was so nervous and I thought it was because of fear of getting HSV but later I found out she was scared the doctor would only increase my anxiety about passing HSV to her and I would leave her again.

In the end sadly I was the one who could not cope and I felt it was best to let her go. Now in hind sight I wonder what would have come from us..we were so similar and had so much in common..we believed this relationship would have been long term..she was 35 and felt at her age she was educated enough to make such a rough choice about her own body.

I think about her all the time and have yet to find someone on her level. Everyone since her I comapre to her. I feel and know I missed out. Yes the people after her have all been HSV-1 postive but thats all it seems we have in common

So thats another thing you need to keep in mind...love does not come easily..many people go through life and never find that person meant just for them.

[RealisticGal]

Okay, I'll pipe up again.

One of the hardest things for me is not wanting him to feel bad about it. I don't want to do anything on my part to make him feel worse than he already does.

I don't want him to think I dwell on it at all. And I really don't --- I don't dwell on it.

But he does know about this forum and did join it after I told him about it. I don't think he comes here at all now, but sometimes I'm worried he does. I'm afraid he will see how much time I spend here and think that I am focused on herpes, when really I mostly come here trying to help other folks at this point.

The other thing is, like Pia, every once in a while something comes along that I learn about and I consider talking to him about it. But then I don't want to, because I just don't want it to seem like "it's all about herpes."

Really, I worry an awful lot about his feelings. I bet most of us in this position do. I wish our partners could know that.

Yeah, we definitely have our own issues...

[RealisticGal]

We went to the doctor's together and got information...my partner was so nervous and I thought it was because of fear of getting HSV but later I found out she was scared the doctor would only increase my anxiety about passing HSV to her and I would leave her again.

Oh! This reminded me of another thing I've been meaning to say (mostly to Pia).

After I got through my basic research, I convinced myself I probably already had herpes. Statistically, I knew there was a strong chance I could have oral herpes. That was even before I knew my mom had it, but I've always known her sister gets cold sores. So yeah, I figured at least oral herpes I might have.

But beyond that, once I learned about herpes, I recalled an episode when I was in college. I had an outbreak of some sort of sores on my vulva. I went to the Campus Health Clinic for that, and they told me "it's nothing." Well, having learned here that docs are often dismissive of herpes, I figured maybe that was what happened. Especially back in the 70s, when they did not even mention herpes as part of sex ed, I could see that happening. So I was absolutely convinced that I probably had genital herpes as well as oral.

I figured I must have at least one or the other!!!

So my next move was to go get a blood test. I was sure I would have one or both strains. And to be COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY HONEST, I was not only okay with the possibility, but sort of hoping it was true. Because then, my guy could stop worrying and we could just get on with it without any concerns. Yes, I mean it. I "wanted" to be positive for herpes...at least one or the other.

I wasn't. I was so convinced, but nope.

I do not have either type according to that test. And I've had a second IgG-based type specific test, now that we have been intimate (since June, to answer your question, Pia). I got my second test done in October, just to "see how things are going." Still negative at that point. Incidentally, when I asked my doc for that test, she was like, "Why? If you're with this guy now, what difference does it make if you do get herpes?"

See...that's how the medical community looks at it.

I really appreciate MsLucy's post here. I hadn't heard your whole story yet, even though I'm something of a devotee of your always-entertaining and candid posts. This definitely puts another spin on the whole situation. Thanks!

Now about you, lillie755. Where is that girl? Do you know? Is she still single? Do you know? Why are you not running to her???

[RealisticGal]

Questions for you, RealisticGal: how long have you been with your man? Do you use condoms, Valtrex...or simple abstinence during outbreaks? What is his situation like...how long has he had it...does he still have outbreaks? How long did it take you to accept it (from the time he told you, to the time you were able to have sex without worrying about it)? Is it possible to ever be free from the worry/anxiety? To me, the anxiety is more damaging to intimacy than anything else.

And to your last point...yes...his doctor told him the same thing! He may actually be safer b/c he knows he has it. The truth is, it took me a long time to find someone like him...and he says the same thing about me. It sucks that we have to deal with this...but I also know the kind of a--holes who are out there. I would much rather be with my best friend and my love than to try to date again (and possibly end up dating someone who has this and doesn't know it). My work is to accept it...which I am trying to do now.

You have questions. I have some answers. Let's stick them together and see if they match.

My guy told me about having herpes in March. Prior to that, we had been dancing around a relationship for about a year.

For a long time, I wasn't sure at all that he had any interest in me other than as a friend. But little by little, things started happening. Flirt, retreat, flirt, retreat. I thought maybe the reason he kept running away was because his ex burned him really badly. It also occurred to me that he might feel like me, not wanting to lose our friendship because of a failed romantic entanglement. Then in January he actually admitted he had more than friendly feelings for me, at which point I 'fessed up too. I'd been trying to hide how I felt. But then we had it out there on the table, or so I thought.

I figured since we had told of our feelings and attraction, we would move forward. But we seemed to move backwards again. He ran again. I was getting really frustrated and horribly confused. Until March, when he finally told me he has herpes. Suddenly, everything made sense. Then I understood it was not so much that he wasn't sure about his feelings for me, but fear about telling/rejection and all that.

Okay, so his situation is that he got herpes 5 (well, closer to 6 now) years ago. When that happened, he totally shut down. He'd had no relationships with anyone in that time. And he really was quite reluctant to even consider having one with me.

Even though he said he told me because it "seemed like we were heading towards intimacy," I think he truly believed it would never happen. I'm pretty sure he assumed I would reject him completely. He did know I would research it (information junkie, just like you, Pia). But I think he figured I'd just say no. For one thing, he never really took the time to learn very much about it himself. He just got his diagnosis and came to a complete halt. He had it and that was that --- done.

But I researched. I learned. I learned a lot!

Then I started sharing it with him. And then I got tested and found out I did not have either type, but I told him I was still okay with it. I told him that life is short and love is rare and happy companionship may be even more rare, and all sorts of stuff like that.

It took from March until the end of June, but we finally became intimate. Yep, I finally dragged his butt into my bed.

Oh! Just to complicate things...after nearly 2 years of no outbreaks, he had one in late May/early June. It was triggered by a 3 week bout with the swine flu (not kidding). So while we might have gotten there a bit earlier, that postponed things by at least a month or so.

He hasn't had one since then, by the way. He is not taking antivirals and never has. His outbreaks became infrequent all by themselves within about 1 year of his first outbreak. We used condoms a couple of times at first, though not for oral (ACK! Like chewing on a raw octopus tentacle that would be --- all springy and squeaky!). But now we are just avoiding outbreaks. We really can't manage to get together much at the moment because of work schedules, anyway (sadly).

How long did it take me to accept? Well, when he told me my first reaction was not well-informed. I didn't know much about herpes and I knew it. So I was sort of like, "oh." He said he knew I'd research it, which I did.

But seriously, right from the moment he told me, I did not see him any differently. I didn't see him as some sort of HazMat incident in need of decon. If anything, I saw him as honest, full of integrity and as someone who cared enough about me to tell me. If anything, that raised his esteem in my eyes.

I'll be honest, when he said he had something he needed to tell me, I was sure it was going to be that he was into some other woman or something. At that point, the whole dance had me so confused I didn't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt. But betrayal and infidelity, I do know about those. I am familiar with the whole "other woman" thing, so naturally that is what I was expecting. I was so surprised when it wasn't that, I guess I couldn't even believe it.

So I would say I recognized the need to learn more, but I basically "accepted" him pretty quickly. One evening of research here convinced me that not only could we still be close friends, but that I saw no reason to avoid intimacy with him.

Still, I wanted to do my due diligence. I wanted a full risk/benefit analysis. So I delved into these forums and read about worst case scenarios. I read stories from women who had horrible outbreaks, the type that ended up hospitalized, the ones who could barely walk or sleep or move at all. I took a long, hard look at what I might possibly face if I do get herpes.

The way I see it, I am at an advantage because I've learned all this stuff ahead of time. I am now prepared. I even have some of the "stuff" on hand to remedy possible symptoms.

Oh, by the way, both he and I did take some of the Herbal Immune Support stuff and Lysine for a while. I've run out, so not taking it now. But we figured that couldn't hurt.

So, I can truly say I do not have anxiety/worry about it now. I have fully integrated the possibilities. The first couple of times we did get together, I thought I felt some tingles/itches/swelling of my lips for a couple of days afterward. Apparently, those were all Fig Newtons of my imagination. Isn't the mind an incredible and mysterious thing???

About what your guy's doctor said (Pia), the American Social Health Association has a book about living with herpes that agrees. It says that the very act of telling, the fact that you know, makes it less likely for the unaffected partner to contract herpes. Apparently the awareness is increased, which probably makes him more cognizant of his prodrome signals. I'm not sure. But they did do a study on it and that is what they found.

And you are right. @$$es, and the accompanying holes, are a dime a dozen. There are lots of guys out there I could get with, who would be happy to abuse me, neglect me, cheat on me, etc. Compared to all that, herpes seems pretty minimal.

Hope that helps!

[RealisticGal]

So are we dropping this thread, did my last posts put everyone off, or is everyone just busy with the holli-daze?

[DiGiacomo]

I really enjoy reading those stories since I'm in a similar case.

Like Pia things has been very difficult for me to accept. I'm still very confused and overwhelmed abou all of this. I need to vent.

My history:

I met this guy 11 months ago, we became best friends and 6 months later we started dating. Two months after we started having sex onde day he told me he had a sore on his balls that he thought it was caused by wearing a thight jeans with thermal underwear. I thought that was probably a rash.

A week later he said he though that sore wasn't going away. He didn't want to have sex cause he said that could be herpes. I didn't know anything about genital herpes and I thought when the sore was healed and we kept using a condom we would be 100% safe.

I didn't do any research after that and the next weekend we had sex cause his sore was healed. Then I decied to do some quick research on-line and found out that a condom wasn't enough. I told him about what I've had found about it and said that we should stop having sex until he get tested. Then he showed me the pictures about the sore on his balls and when I saw it it looked like just the sores I had (I have oral herpes). It was there the yellow blisters, the red skin just like my cold sores. I cried, I was so sad and that sad feeling didn't leave me until now (almost 2 months).

After that he had 3 more outbreaks on his penis. What I can't understand is how a person don't have an outbreak his entire life and then have 4 in less than 2 months.

He didn't get tested, to me it looks like he is dragging his feet. He always had an excuse to not go. Some of the excuses I could understand but others not. He refuses to talk about it since he doesn't know for sure if he has it he says it's not worth it the conversation.

He finally got tested last monday at Planned Parenthood but they didn't labeled his blood correctly and he has to go back to have his blood test again.

I didn't get tested yet. My last exposure was november 20th so I figured I have to wait to get a blood test but I will.

All of this has affected our relationship. We didn't have sex since that. I think we should be more open about it and talk but he refuses to have any conversation about it.

Recently he insisted to have sex with a condom I said it wasn't safe.

I've been in this forum and website a lot. I got a lot information about it and if he has it we'll have to talk a lot about it and I will want him to do everything is possible to prevent me to get infected. I've decied that I can take the risk if we are doing everything we can. But we haven't talked about it yet so I don't know about our future together.

[RealisticGal]

Hi DiGiacomo,

Just my personal opinion, but I think the best course of action would be for both of you to go get tested right away. If you do have oral cold sores, you are going to come up positive now anyway --- probably for HSV1.

There's probably no way to know whether or not one of you gave herpes to the other. He may have had the virus all along and just now be showing symptoms.

One thing I will definitely say is, do not let him INSIST on having sex with you. With or without a condom, with or without herpes, that is called rape.

Take care...

[firsttimeposter]

This thread has helped me open my eyes to a few items that my girl may be going through. I did not realize how much affect this has on peoples emotions and how it can maybe even make people skeptical of someone who is actually really falling in love with them even if they have a condition

[Lizzie666]

To negative partners in herpes-positive relationships: how did you manage the psychological effects of herpes in your relationship? Did you have intimacy issues when you first found out? What did you do to privately process your feelings and/or fears about it, without shaming or hurting your partner? How did you get over it? Besides research and prevention techniques (condoms, Valtrex, herbal supplements, nutrition, etc), do you have any advice for overcoming psychological fears in the bedroom?

I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year, and I love him dearly. I recently found out he has HSV-2. I am still struggling with this issue because I’m a bit of a hypochondriac. I see the look on his face when I ask him about a suspicious spot on his penis…or tell him about something new I read about herpes. It hurts me, knowing I am hurting or embarrassing him. Yet I still have my own feelings I need process too. Every time we try to have sex, it opens the wound for both of us all over again… no matter how careful we are being. I would like to have a normal sex life with him, but more importantly, I would like to move past this because he is very special to me. I do not want herpes to be the focus of our relationship (because we are so much bigger than that). We want to be together forever, and plan to marry one day.

Pia,

I am the negative half in my relationship. Like RG, my boyfriend told me before we became intimate. We had been hanging out for a while and he never made a move. I knew he liked me but I couldn't understand why he was being such a "gentleman". When he told me, it was online and I was shocked. I had the same mindset of most people when they hear about herpes. This may sound horrible, but had it been any other guy I probably would have ran. But with him it was different. I thanked him for telling me and started doing research and found out it's not as bad as I had thought.

After he told me he had an OB. It cleared up and a couple weeks later he had another. We were together for about 3 months before we had sex. We were both nervous obviously. He hadn't been with anyone since he had found out 5 years previously.

Anyway, he told me I could always ask questions, and I did/do. If I'm going to be with him, I need to know anything he can tell me. I didn't bombard him with questions, just asked when one came up. He has always answered and never tried to veer the subject away from him. He's even shown me what his OB looks like, all I saw was a small red spot near the head of his penis. Just that. That one little spot. That tiny little thing that would have destroyed him if he had let it. Would have destroyed us if I hadn't taken the chance.

As far as intimacy went we used condoms for everything. Whether I was touching him with my hand, oral sex...whatever. We would lay in bed together and he would either leave his underwear on or keep a sheet between us so our bare genitals never touched. Now over time we aren't as rigid. We've moved on to condomless hand jobs (I hate that word lol) and oral sex. We lay naked together with no barriers, mind you he still keeps his penis a distance away from my vagina. But, it took time to get to this point. It helps that he hasn't had an OB since last summer.

As far as processing it went for myself, I'm still a little nervous. But over time the majority of it has gone away. When I did research, this was the first site I found and it has helped a lot. There are a lot of people here that were able to answer my questions and give me great advice. I know that there is always the chance that I may get it but, so far, so good. He is an amazing guy who has made me happier than I have ever been and if I had walked away when he told me, I would be missing out on the most mature, loving and honest relationship I've ever been in.

Everyone has their own way to deal with things and feel comfortable, you just need to figure out what works for you, but I will say you made the right move by coming here.

I do not want herpes to be the focus of our relationship (because we are so much bigger than that).

That statement there speaks volumes. You both ARE bigger than that. Just talk, be honest with each other and help him realize that he has NOTHING to be ashamed of.

[Blindsided]

I am so glad I came across this thread tonight (this morning, 1:56am), as I am sitting up unable to sleep b/c I just had a conversation with my boyfriend about this....He is negative and I am positive and we've been dating for three years and still have not had sex b/c he is still worried about being exposed to herpes. After reading this post, I feel like I am ungrateful, b/c I have a man who loves me and still wants to be with me in spite of the fact that I have herpes and I am complaining about when we are going to have sex. I definitely understand his concern, but on the other hand, I feel like we are missing out on a lot of the intimacy that relationships have. Don't get me wrong, we do have a lot of great things going for our relationship, but as many articles/books have said, sex is very important too. Am I wasting my time, will he ever get over the fear? ...you know, I think I'm just frustrated with dealing with herpes, it's just so depressing sometimes. I feel like I'm holding my boyfriend hostage and I should just break things off with him so that he can move on with his life.

Help!

[Lizzie666]

Blindsided,

Have you shown him this website? It might help if you haven't. Has he done research? You shouldn't feel ungreatful, it's not your fault you have herpes, you didn't ask for it. It sounds like he needs to educate himself more or even come on here and talk to some of the people who are living with this in one way or another.

I can't tell you what to do. I know it can be scary for the negative partner in the relationship....but 3 years seems like a long time to try to accept something. I don't think you're holding him hostage, I'm assuming when you told him you gave him the choice whether to stay or go and he chose to stay. He needs to deal with his fears and it seems like he can't/won't. I would say to think long and hard about what you two want, because this seems to be hurting the both of you.

After my bf told me about having G-HSV, we didn't have sex for the first 3 months we were together because of OBs, but we did do other things to make up for the lack of intercourse. Could I have gone longer without being able to connect with him in the most intimate way? Probably not and he knew that. He went to his Doctor to get a different anti-viral because what he was on wasn't working and he wanted to be able to be WITH me as much as I wanted to be with him. His Doctor asked him what changed, he said he had me. He said having OBs a couple times a year could be dealt with, not having clear times a couple times a year. I'm glad we didn't have sex right away because we also really got to know each other.

Whatever you chose to do will be the right decision for you

[Blindsided]

Thanks for responding Lizzie666

I did show him this website when I first found it back in December, but I'm not sure if he ever pulled it up. I know he has done some research but he still remains hesitant. I think the reason being...he waited until he was about 21 before he had sex b/c he was so afraid of contracting an STD and now here I am, his biggest nightmare (my words not his).

When we first started dating, I waited about three months before I told him b/c I wanted to make sure things were serious and he chose to stay. I know sex is not everything and I can honestly say that we do have a great bond b/c we did get to know each other. There are so many other positives in our relationship to help bring us closer together but really do miss intimacy. I feel like at 30 my sex drive is slowly drifting away and I am definitely not ready for that, goodness, I just started having sex at 24... I'm going to talk to him about this website again and hopefully he'll find something on here to help ease his fear. In the meantime, I need to evaluate things and figure out what I'm going to do.

[RealisticGal]

In the meantime, I need to evaluate things and figure out what I'm going to do.

That's really what it's all about (IMO). If you figure out what you need and want in a loving relationship, and it turns out he isn't able to provide that, well...

Something (for him) to think about: The medical community, for the most part, considers HSV a skin condition rather than an STI. Yes, it can be passed during sexual relations simply because that does involve skin to skin contact. However, sex is not necessary for transmission of HSV. Other types of skin contact can pass it as well. That is why it is not the same as most true STIs.

I do, certainly, agree with Lizzie. You are not holding this man hostage. If anything, it seems to me that his hangups are holding him hostage, and he in turn is holding you hostage. You love him, so you stick around, hoping he will come through for you...sad.

You gave him a choice, which it seems he is unable to make. Perhaps I'm in a bit of a mood today, but it sounds to me like he needs to grow a pair and make that choice, one way or the other.

As we used to say in the military: "Shit or get off the pot."

[Lizzie666]

RG...you are so wise lol

I agree with everything you just said. I imagine the mindset of some people is that since they have herpes, no one will want them. You, me and tons of others are living proof that that is not true. She needs to do whatever will make her happy, not him.

[Blindsided]

You both are right....Lately, I have been feeling like the I don't have a say when it comes to our sex life and it's time for me to speak up. I have given him the upper hand in our relationship when it comes to sex, but, that was never my intention. In the beginning , I just figured it was right for me to let him take his time, I was nervous too and just wanted him to be comfortable. The last thing I wanted when the opportunity for us to have sex did present itself, was for him to go running to the shower afterwards trying to scrub his skin off.

@Lizzie, yes, I do feel at times that no one else will want me and the thought of having to go to through the process of telling someone all over again is horrifying. Maybe somewhere deep down inside this is the reason I have stayed with this man for so long. Other aspects of our relationship are great, but I'm now realizing that the control he has over our sex life may not be healthy for me in the future. I've been debating with myself as to whether or not I should let sex be the reason we breakup. It's all SO CONFUSING, i just want to scream sometimes... honestly, herpes has caused such an added stress in my life. It just heartbreaking for me to think I've found the person that I want to be with forever and the main problem that we have is due to herpes.

[Lizzie666]

You both are right....Lately, I have been feeling like the I don't have a say when it comes to our sex life and it's time for me to speak up. I have given him the upper hand in our relationship when it comes to sex, but, that was never my intention. In the beginning , I just figured it was right for me to let him take his time, I was nervous too and just wanted him to be comfortable. The last thing I wanted when the opportunity for us to have sex did present itself, was for him to go running to the shower afterwards trying to scrub his skin off.

You know what? The first few times my bf and I had sex (with condoms) I would go in the bathroom after and wash off my "area". I never even stopped to think about how that made him feel. But for me, it was kind of a comfort(?) thing. It made me feel better to do it, but probably made him feel bad and that was never my intention. Damn, now I feel bad lol

@Lizzie, yes, I do feel at times that no one else will want me and the thought of having to go to through the process of telling someone all over again is horrifying. Maybe somewhere deep down inside this is the reason I have stayed with this man for so long. Other aspects of our relationship are great, but I'm now realizing that the control he has over our sex life may not be healthy for me in the future. I've been debating with myself as to whether or not I should let sex be the reason we breakup. It's all SO CONFUSING, i just want to scream sometimes... honestly, herpes has caused such an added stress in my life. It just heartbreaking for me to think I've found the person that I want to be with forever and the main problem that we have is due to herpes

I can't imagine how scary it is to tell someone you care about that you have Herpes and I applaud the people that can do it. It takes guts. But you need to be fair to yourself, no one can stay with someone and be happy if the only reason they are with them is because they're afraid.

Being in a relationship where you have things in common and can have a great time together is fine, but sex is important and the people who say it's not are liars lol. Sex with the one you love is the best way to express that love, as cheesy as it sounds. Sex with someone you love is more enjoyable and fulfilling than sex with someone you have no feelings for. Sex in a relationship is mutual, it shouldn't be any other way. Not used as a weapon, or to be withheld for some reason or another.

But, three years is a looooong time not to have sex. If he isn't comfortable having sex, he probably never will be. He may just be one of those people who will never be able to see past the skin condition that herpes is. Again, it's your decision, but you need to be fair to yourself, because I don't think he's being fair to you.

You WILL find someone who loves you regardless. Hang in there.

[defectivecandy]

I so appreciate what you had to say, RealisticGal. Thank you.

[RealisticGal]

I so appreciate what you had to say, RealisticGal. Thank you.

You're welcome, candy. I saw another post by you which I am going to post a reply to shortly.