I'm having trouble communicating with SO (help pls)

[a vida e bela]

*resolved* I'm having trouble communicating with SO (help pls)

**This thread now has a happy ending and has become an inspiring moment for me**

*Long, but pls read I need to give you the background*

My boyfriend has hsv1 orally and passed it onto his ex when they were together genitally and the guilt destroyed their relationship. She didn't help cause she totally turned on him. Break up ensued. 6 months later, I meet him and we begin dating, he told me about his coldsores and that he gave it to his ex. No worries, we just have to be careful I thought. Months went by of him being more or less the worst bf ever but I hung on cause something inside told me to. September, we go camping and fool around in the car, fingers get put in me and the next morning I realized he had blisters on his fingers. He chews his cuticles and I suspected it was herpetic whitlow. Two weeks later I have shooting leg cramps and what feels like a cut inside me. I write it off as being an abrasion from the method of feminine hygeine I use (diva cup) cause it has a little knobly thing at the bottom. I have a doc appt and get tested (blood only) and find out about getting an IUD. My mom told me I got cold sores when I was younger so I assumed the result would be positive, which it was. We go on a "break" so he can "figure himself out" because apparently he just hasn't been the same since he gave his ex herpes and he's afraid to let go and allow himself to let his guard down with me.

We get back together end of the month, but things still don't feel right and we never speak of the break. I get another "cut" inside me during my period, again thinking it's the cup, this time there was localized pain which I refer to as "skin ache". I cut the knobly thing off the bottom and make it really smooth so I can see if it happens next time.

The BF and I break up on Thanksgiving (canadian) and it is terribly painful for both of us, but somehow we got back together, and this time it feels unreal. Something has definitely clicked for him and we're like two little lovebirds.

Next period comes, I get the skin ache again, but no "cut". I get my IUD inserted and life seems pretty good.... until now.

Lots of sugar, lots of caffiene, HIGH stress at work, not eating right and here's the kicker.... I didn't even use the cup this month cause it kind of hurts with the IUD, I used pads! Nothing went inside me. I got skin ache so bad it kept me up, I felt nauseas and feverish, my right buttock hurt, my back hurt, and the next day I had a cluster of "cuts" inside me that feel like a 3rd degree burn. I have in fact been diagnosed with herpes now.

**So you're up to speed**

Now... I went to my bfs house last night to tell him, afraid of what will happen. We've JUST gotten to a point where his past is not affecting our relationship, and now his biggest fear (giving me herpes) is realized. I assured him that I'm not mad, I don't resent him and I am not going to treat the situiation the way his ex did. I want him to be there for me. I did tell him I'm scared though. I am afraid he will not want to have sex with me, I'm afraid that eventually he might cheat on me cause he'll crave the care-free throw down and sex with me will be too complicated, and I'm scared he's going to go into a shell again and push me away. All he said was "We'll be fine". I still have so much emotion surrounding this though. Probably all the same emotions his ex had.... only I'm not angry AT him like she was. I don't know how to get him to talk about this with me.

Also, he gives his ex $500 a year to pay for her medication (STILL as far as I know) and honestly... I would NEVER EVER guilt him into paying for my medication, but I don't think it's fair that he is paying for an ex's medication, so lil princess somewhere gets free medicine for her outbreaks, when I have to suffer through mine unaided as broke as I am. I really want to tell him to stop paying for her meds. I have the virus too... my outbreaks hurt just like hers do, but he's WITH ME, not her. I want to tell him, but I'm afraid cause I don't want to bring her into the conversation even! I'm not hoping he'll pay for mine, I just don't want him to pay for hers. Or if ANYONE's meds are being covered it should be mine.

AHHHHHHHRGH!

I'm afraid to overreact because of what he went through with her, but I'm afraid I'm underreacting to protect his feelings when I'm the one who has trouble sitting and getting in and out of vehicles once a month. I don't want to ever fight with him about herpes, but I need to talk about this... OPENLY and I can't live with him paying for her medication when they've been broken up for a year and a half!!!!!! What the H do I do?????

[RealisticGal]

Tell the guy how it makes you FEEL (crappy) that he pays for an ex-girlfriend's meds. It keeps him connected to her, when he is supposedly with you now, and that is a BAD FEELING.

[boopboop]

Blackmailing people into paying for your meds is really crappy!!!! He didnt purposely give it to her so he should cut ties with her. Get a grip! Hope you's have the strengh to move on, communication is the KEY!!! He really needs to forgive himself...is he on meds and healthly?

[RealisticGal]

Incidentally, I don't know which antiviral you are taking, but acyclovir is available from many sources at a cost of $4 for a 1 month supply.

[a vida e bela]

hey... I'm using zovirax ointment. I don't take any oral. I'm new, so who knows I might take it. I'm going to try llysine tabs and zinc and definitely make some adjustments to my diet and overall health.

Like I said... I'm fine to pay for my own medication. I knew he had hsv1, we didn't use barrier methods, but we never had oral sex if he thought he may be getting a cold sore, I still knew the risk though in respect to asymptomatic shedding, so I don't blame him. Apparently he had a cold sore when he went down on her and he just didn't know you could pass it on that way, but neither did she.... so they're both dumba$$es back then! Boofricketyhoo. Get on with your life.

I wouldn't ever ask him to pay for my meds. Im gonna talk to him after christmas is finished with and just lay it out black and white I guess..... but I have no way of knowing whether he will actually stop or not.... so I need to gauge his reaction and make sure I feel confident with his body language and eyes and tone of voice that he is serious when he agrees with me. If he puts up a fight at ALL and defends paying for her meds, it's gonna be trouble in paradise I can tell you that right now

[Leia]

I am with you sister, he should NOT pay for her meds. It was an accident and they didn't know, but that doesn't mean he has to give her money for the rest of his life, you are his girlfriend now, if there is anyone he should help that person is you !

[a vida e bela]

So I had a counselling appointment today and I talked to my counsellor about this, looking for help on how I should approach this delicate topic. There is a lot of pain surrounding this herpes madness with his ex, and I don't want there to be pain (aside from my OBs) surrounding it with us. Perhaps he feels like paying her aids his own guilt, he's scared of what she may do (tell people), or maybe it hasn't even crossed his mind that it's unfair to me.

I questioned his rationalization in a previous convo saying things like:

"What happens if later in life, your child is terminally ill and you have to spend countless money on their therapy... are you STILLL going to be giving your ex $500?"

"What if I got it.... would you give me $500?"

"How long is this going to go on for? Are you going to give her over $25,000 if you live to be 80?"

He didn't have much of an answer, but it was food for thought.

My counsellor recommended just telling him point blank how it makes me feel, but let him make his own decision and be a man about it. She said... after all... it's up to him regardless of what I say. If he continues paying her, is that a dealbreaker for me?

Good questions and advice I think.... but I'm not sure how I feel if he says he won't stop. I'm really not. She's right, I don't have any business controlling what he does with his money, but I have a right to feel upset about it and I'm just really hoping he does the honorable thing. (But honorable for who.... that's the kicker!) Honorable to me is ceasing payment to her.... honorable to her is keeping his promise to pay for her meds, even though they aren't together to pay for the mistake he made.

Any opinions on my councellors advice??

[RealisticGal]

I think the most important thing is that he needs to know how it makes you feel.

I know it seems obvious to us gals, but boyz can have some very dense spots when it comes to that department. I mean really, how can they not know???

But they don't, so we need to tell them.

To me, the money would not be the really upsetting part. What would upset me is the continued connection with someone with whom he used to have a relationship. He needs to understand how that makes you feel.

Holding this stuff inside does no good. We women do that...we push things down and try to suppress them...then eventually it all gets to be too much, we blow up and leave the poor guy bewildered.

Better to let him know right now that this situation makes you feel really yucky. Then it is up to him how he deals with that knowledge, and up to you to decide whether or not you can live with his decision.

[ihavit2]

I don't understand some of you people. It was an accident? Like it was an accident when he was fingering you with a sore on his finger? And you let him? Knowing his condition. Why would he? That alone makes me feel like, it wasn't an accident with the ex. Did she really even know his status? How do YOU know for sure? There are questions you need to ask. It's a shame that after being infected with this disgusting disease, the only problem you can seem to find, is that he's paying for someone else's meds.

[ihavit2]

The fact that he's paying for he meds says he has taken responsibility, and is showing remorse. She probably didn't know. You on the other hand, seems like you either wanted it, or didn't care. The fact that you said he had herpes, had a sore on his finger, and you LET him finger you tells me that. You cannot get mad at anybody else.

[a vida e bela]

wow... brutally honest... I like that.

Like I said... I knew he was an Hsv1 carrier, so yes I did know my risks. I too was an HSV1 Carrier though and had never had a cold sore since i was little, I figured my odds of getting it else where were slim cause I already had antibodies, but it happened. That's why I'm not resentful towards him, or angry at myself. I didn't want it, but I got it so it is what it is. I did not know that he had it on his fingers though... at all. Neither did he. The next day is when I noticed he had these weird little bumbs on his cuticles and I googled the crap out of it and once I told him about what it might be, he went to the doctor and then became quite miserable for a while when the doctor in fact told him it is herpetic whitlow.

As for her... you're right I don't know what happened between them fully. All I know is that he apparently didn't know you could pass a coldsore onto someone genitally, he had a coldsore and went down on her but was ignorant to the facts... but so was she. If I let someone go down on me that had a raging sore on their mouth, clearly visible, I would blame myself partially too for not stopping and saying "Wtf is that on your mouth, can I catch it?, Are you sure? Maybe we should wait."

It was two ignorant people in the heat of passion, denying the risks and being naive.

I think it's honorable that he promised to pay for her medication, but that promise was made when they were together, trying to make things work between them, and now they've been broken up for a year and a half. Honorable still that he is holding up the promise despite their fallen relationship, it does show that I have a really stand up guy in my life. Still though... I don't like that he still has that connection with her, or that he feels indebted to her because of something they both engaged in.

I want his continuing to pay her or not to be HIS decision, not mine and not hers.

If giving her money helps HIM sleep at night then fine, but if she is blackmailing him into it and will continue to do so then she's just being a controlling freak and if I tell him not to "or else" then I'm being a controlling freak and either way it's not his choice.

One might argue that it wasn't her "choice" to get the virus, but no one chooses that. Why don't they just pass a law that who ever gave you herpes has to pay for your medication for the rest of your life, and if you pass it on to anyone you haev to pay for theirs? Its unfortunate, but there's got to be an element of personal accountability too and she's not taking any. She's just feeling sorry for herself, holding a grudge, and milking my boyfriend for money.

[ihavit2]

$500 a year is not milking anyone or anything sweetie. Sorry. All YOU know is what he tells you. I would be curious as to why he would WILLINGLY continue to pay for her meds and not EVEN offer to pay for yours. You don't know if he had a full on ob, or was getting one, or getting over one. Only he knows that. You don't mind, it's fine with you now, but how about (God forbid) if you break up. Sad that you don't value your body and health more than a boyfriend.

[ihavit2]

What's between him and her is NOT YOUR BUSINESS. It was an agreement the two of them made. Did you feel like accepting it and acting like it was no big deal would make the two of you closer? Not. Love you more? Not. You are worried about the wrong thing. Sorry. Just my opinion.

[a vida e bela]

He made it my business for the better part of a year, the moment he told me about everything that happened between them, he made it my business. When we broke up over the fact that he was too guilt ridden over what he did to her to function in a relationship with me and their drama split us up... it was my business, and the man that I will be living with in a couple months who I will be splitting overhead with and saving for a future with who is squandering money on an ex, is my business.

We've both moved on from that time to an extent but memories linger just like the virus itself. Sure, maybe I should have turned my back on him and never looked back and maybe I'm just a fool in love for not doing so but things are working well now and the past is more or less in the past.

I value my body just fine... I can afford my own medication, I can accept the facts like a mature adult and deal with my health without sniveling for hand outs from someone. Whether he gave me money or not doesn't change the fact that I have herpes. Whether we break up or not doesn't change it. I have it, and always will. That's it and it's not up to anyone else to give me reparations for that.

I straight up DON'T like approve of the fact that an ex girlfriend is or has been blackmailing him into doing something like that. It would be one thing if they were pleasant about it and chose to even if she wasn't demanding it. I've SEEN the text messages that she STILL sends him though..

"I can't eat nuts or chocolate anymore, I'll hate you forever for taking that away from me, I will never ever forgive you!!!"

Sure... BE angry.... but at some point just freakin drop it! Get on with your life and let others do the same.

Just curious.... what do you think I should do? I honestly do respect your opinion becuase you're making me think, but what would you do?

[ihavit2]

I feel like she does. I love almonds, chocolate etc. I do not blame her. You however need to stay out of it. It's not your business. You cannot be angry because you willingly got it, and she's mad as hell. You may not care about what transpired between the two of them, but he obviously does. Sounds like he was in love with her. Whether that's the case or not, you nagging him about paying for her meds, will not bring you any closer, just like the herpes didn't. My suggestion to you is to leave that situation alone. It will only make him a) feel like he can't tell you anything else. resent you for being angry, when he feels that he's doing the right thing. c) become distant. Worry about yourself. The money your saying you're worried about amounts to a little over $10 a week. You are jealous. Just admit it. Be sure you don't run him off with it though.

[MsLucy]

If I might toss my 2 cents into the pile...

Until I read the example of the emails she sends your bf, I was thinking that paying for her meds was his way of easing his conscience. Now I'm not so sure.

If I was receiving emails like that from someone whom I had infected (unknowingly or not), I would be afraid to stop, for fear of a lawsuit. She's blackmailing him, but covertly, without blatant threats. If he actually wants to stop the payments, it may be to his benefit to consult a lawyer first.

Just saying... only he knows what's really going on in his mind.

[ihavit2]

Sounds to me like she didn't know. Didn't sound like a threat to me. People need to stop being selfish. This ish is disgusting, and I am furious. I understand her in totality. What should he contact a lawyer for? Please tell me. It's obvious the embarrassment of the first situation basically destroyed him. That's probably why he decided to tell the new chick. Giving someone herpes is effed up. Just like he knew he had bumps on his finger and decided to shove it up her cooch anyway. The only person I feel sorry for is the ex.

[boopboop]

His ex may feel he should pay. I personally think once the relationship is over she should pay for her own medication especially if he didnt knowingly give it to her, time to take responsibility for herself and her herpes...like you have.

[RealisticGal]

I don't blame girlfriend one bit for being upset that this woman is forcing this guy to maintain contact with her, long after their relationship ended and he has begun a new one with girlfriend.

It's a difficult thing when a woman (or man, for that matter) has to tolerate the presence of their partner's ex in his/her life because they have kids together or he pays alimony.

Think about it this way. Take herpes out of the equation. What if this woman was asking him to pay part of her car payment because he helped out with that while they were together? What if she expected him to pay half of her rent because they lived together and shared expenses for a while? Would that be fair?

I'm sorry but girlfriend has good reason to feel very uncomfortable with this situation. And it may be jealousy, but I don't think it has anything to do with the money.

I don't blame you, girlfriend. That woman sounds a bit psycho/stalker to me. She is still angry, a year and a half after the fact.

I'm hearing a lot of anger in this thread, too. That's normal at first, but most folks seem to let go of it after a while.

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." ~~Siddhattha Gautama Buddha

[ihavit2]

If they were bound in a LEGAL agreement (loan, lease) yes. Until other arrangements can be made. Forgive me but I do not agree with the "life goes on" stance. People are prosecuted for knowingly infecting someone with hiv. It's a shame the same doesn't apply to herpes. Moving forward. If you've been diagnosed, and become intimate with someone, without disclosing YOUR status to them, you should be held accountable. I now see how it's being spread so rampant.

I don't think she sounds "psych/stalker" at all. The new gf chose to let him finger her, with the bumps on his finger, knowing his status. her decision. You, I, nor the new gf know exactly what transpired, therefore I find it hard to judge without knowing THE FACTS. Doesn't sound to me like she knew. If she did, why would she be so angry?

If he wants to not pay, he can stop. It's seems obvious he doesn't want to. If she's so uncomfortable, she should move on. It's his decision to pay, or not pay. We know one thing. At least now he'll have "the talk" before pulling his junk.

Herpes is serious. It's a shame that some of you don't realize this. I'm angry, no livid is a better term. But I'm not embarrassed. I would never in life be intimate with someone without them knowing. That to me, would be shameful. It's not an accident if you've been diagnosed. And to even suggest that it is, is an insult to my intel. If you're afraid to tell someone you intend on sleeping with, your status, then maybe you're worse off then I am. Just my opinion.

[boopboop]

angry you can get legal compensation on a person...have to be able to prove it though with medical records.

Most people get infected through people who don't know. Also you are entitled to be angry just don't let it eat away at you.. you could have caught much worse. Also "hatred is curved blade". Herpes in most cases is only as big and bad as you make it in your head. It is being spread to "rampant" because doctors are not told to test for it...leaving them to spread it freely. In the UK your even told to just use a condom and not disclose your status. I think just about everyone in the forum feels they should tell before getting intimate.

[norcallove]

I think that girlfriend is justified in the way she feels. It has been pointed out that she let him finger her knowing his status - I believe she later clarified that the bumps/blisters didn't show up until after the fact. I think not until the next day. Therefore, she did not knowingly let him do that with blisters on his fingers. Girlfriend knew that he carried the virus and knew the risk and accepted it. As do a lot of people. There is a risk of passing on this to a non-infected partner, but when taking certain precautions this risk is reduced. What most people on here do is tell a potential partner about their status, the risks, the stats, the precautions they take and let their partner make a decision about whether or not they want a physical/intimate relationship knowing all of the information. I have pretty much never heard anyone on here say that aren't going to tell their sexual partners. Yes, I know it happens, but that is not the majority. Furthermore, the majority of people get it from people who do not know. It is not routinely tested for in a regular STD screening and most people never have symptoms. So how would someone know! Also, A LOT of people don't know you can pass the herpes virus from a cold sore to the genitals. All I'm trying to say is MOST people are responsible about this once they know and a lot of people don't know they carry this virus.

This is supposed to be a support forum. I know we all get mad, upset, and pissed off in general at this virus sometimes....but it is important to remember that we are all here to learn about H and to support each other.

Girlfriend, I hope whatever you end up doing goes over well. Good luck on talking to your BF.

[ihavit2]

Whether the bumps/blisters were present or not, he knew something was going on. And he still did what he did. Period. With two months of having this virus, and knowing my body, i know the ob is forseen.

He had it. Knew he had it. And is PAYING. like he should. Bottom line. In a perfect world, that would be the case for everyone.

The new gf should have OTHER questions. Have you always had it on your finger? Didn't you feel SOMETHING?????? And yet and still you still chose to do what you did? WHY????

Those would be my questions. Not how he's making reparations for infecting someone else!!!!!

[ihavit2]

@norcallove I have heard ppl on hear say they didn't tell, haven't told, and are scared to tell. It was an accident. Check out " Am I a monster".

I am angry, but i am not a monster. I chose to deal with my situation my way. But in no way am I harming anyone else. How productive is it, to act like nothing happened.To say "oh well, life goes on", and infect others? To have casual sex, to develop relationships with people, and not telling them you have an std, is alot more shameful than anger. Denial, shame, etc. eats you up internally. I have herpes. If and when I decide to date again. Whomever I chose will know. Period. Why would i endager someone else. Why would I ever want someone to feel the way I'm feeling. Are you kidding me?

[boopboop]

your anger will pass in time angry, herpes at the end of the day is like a cold... is goes around, comes around. yeah we will prevent it as much as possible... but shit (as we know) does happen. It isnt the end of the world... you'll feel better in time x