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Living with herpes...


InTheShadows

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I was diagnosed several years ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my condition and the uncertain relationship future it's created. Upon initial diagnosis I wasn't at all ashamed; I felt like I had it coming to me and I've long believed everything happens for a reason. Over the next couple years however, I've become extremely self conscious and stressed out about it. I take recommended over the counter vitamins, eat lysine rich foods, workout in some form everyday...and don't dare touch chocolate or caffeine. Herpes has made me OCD. I can't help but feel like a prisoner in my own body. My life once revolved around sex. It's not so much the half dozen or so outbreaks I've had in 3 years it's the social stigma of feeling like I have leprosy. I'm not dying and my condition has made me all the more conscious of diet, and reducing stress in life, in a way it's been a blessing. That's my best attempt at a silver lining. Worst of all, it's made my philandering ways worse. I can't maintain a relationship without telling her. I'm too ashamed to tell a partner yet can't go without sex. I feel so selfish and irresponsible yet in the 11 bed partners I've had in those 3 years no woman has ever been infected or as my mom would tell me "maybe they just didn't tell you". well mom, I think they'd stop calling me to * by now lol-

Sexes on both sides will immediately rule you out upon hearing this when in reality there are so many other aspects of a relationship that can cause equal or worse pain. In conclusion...I'm selfish but also extremely careful and meticulous...yet overall grown extremely tired of keeping my condition hidden...responses encouraged

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Hi shadow and welcome. My guess is that your attitude has changed about it than how you initially felt because you have had to deal with your dates reactions/opinions over the matter. Herpes isn't always food trigger related but it does help to have a good diet and it sounds to me like you are doing everything right. Although you do mention you get very stressed out, and 'stress' is one of the Herp's best buddies ;)

A lot of herpes suffers feel like they have leprosy but I blame that more on the public who treat them as if they do. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. Remember that herpes is essentially a skin virus, nothing more than. When you tell a likely sex partner before the event, you are doing everything you can to avoid transmitting it and you are also giving them the choice, which is rightfully theirs. They should appreciate your honesty. Some may run, well let them. Put on their sneakers for them. They aren't worth your time. There are many people out there though who will accept it as part of you and it will be no big deal to them.

You shouldn't feel that you have to hide your status at all. A well known member from here simply tells his dates he gets cold sores, just not on his face. That says it all. There is no need for a serious talk with them because they are likely to act the way you do, so keep it casual but informative and chances are they will respond more positively.

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I really like your insight- Sadly I haven't told any of my 11 bed partners at all:( I feel horrible but my selfish lust for sex and closeness with a woman has long trumped everything. Put me in this predicament to begin with. I feel my OCD about my condition has made me hypersensitive down there and consequently know/feel an outbreak coming. I've never been able to maintain a relationship...simply have several women that I go out with when I'm (seemingly) in the clear. I know you can be shedding and not know it etc but I believe I have my condition dialed..or at least I've convinced myself so...If I had a choice I'd rather have em' on my dick than lip since that's way more visible yet...everyone has em' on their lip and it's societally accepted lol what a world we live in;)

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Oh dear :o thank you for at least owning up to that. I'm not sure how old you are but if you are young (say anywhere from late teens to 30) well it is not uncommon to not want to settle down with the one woman at this stage of your life. You obviously haven't met that special someone yet because if you had, you would want to commit to just her and protect her as much as you could. Take the time to really get to know a girl. You should know yourself well enough to realise whether or not she is suitable for you and if she makes your heart flutter or that you dread her calls or texts!

I have oral herpes and yes, they are far more visible. If you think you have your herpes dialed then you must know your triggers for an outbreak? If you have regular outbreaks, you could go on suppressive therapy which further decreases the chance of transmission. I would still advise you tell bed partners 'before' things turn physical with them. Wouldn't you want to be given the choice if you were in their position? Also by what you have written in your above posts, its obvious that you feel guilty when you don't tell them which is probably one of the biggest reasons why you feel that you can't maintain a relationship with any of them. You will feel much better within yourself if you tell the truth. Don't lie to yourself and don't lie to them.

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I just turned 25 this month. Funny, you mention the part about meeting someone "special" and subsequently handling it differently. A woman who I've had my eye on + work with recently showed interest in me. We spent 4 nights together and I repeatedly fought off her sexual advances. I used the excuse that I really care about her/us which is true but not the reason I refrained from having sex p; Because of her I joined on here for support, advice and even the potential of meeting someone. Sure, I have feelings for her but I already have my suspicions on her seriousness, plus working together I feel all the more reluctant to open up. It's ironic that sleeping around got me into this predicament and now with my condition...I feel like I'll continue to do just that as a consistent, sex like rabbits is something I've definitely "dialed" to be the worst of triggers. Tell me about yourself;) your story

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Happy Birthday! It's nice to hear that you have met someone that you would like to further things with. It will be confusing for her that you fight off her sexual advances. Perhaps you could just say you want to get to know her a little bit more first. During that time, you can work out if she is decent and trustworthy enough to tell something so private to, especially since you work together. You would be surprised how many members on here have had very few sex partners but have still managed to get herpes. It can lay dormant for years so people will unknowingly pass it on. It can also be transmitted through oral sex (when the 'giver' has oral herpes) which is also not very well known. So being a rabbit with sex is a trigger for you hey? It is just typical, if not cruel that the things we enjoy usually become our main triggers!

My story? oh its boring compared to most peoples on here lol. I have had oral herpes for over 8 years now. I would still tell a future partner about my cold sores because there is always the risk of giving genital herpes to them through viral shedding, although as I am also on valtrex suppressive therapy, transmission rates further decrease. I have learned so much already on here since joining in April. When I learned that most genital herpes cases are caused by oral sex, I contacted my ex and told him everything I knew about transmission risks, just so he could keep himself safe in the future. He surprised me when he said that he had 2 cold sores in his childhood! Just shows how very common it really is.

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This whole viral shedding thing I think is hogwash lol. If we're to believe that... 100% of the time we're contagious and I got 11 women who will testify differently....ps a part of me kinda takes pride in that. Not in the amount but the fact that while everyone is poo pooing their situation I'm still living. I only brag now because I've seen the light, matured and plan on handling it as an adult with full disclosure from this point forward. It's funny my parents each had "cold sores" father giving it to my mother. And you see numerous older people with it especially being a golfer...isn't sun exposure a trigger for it. Shit...what isn't a trigger;)

Anyways my story is a bit juicier and in a way...unlike most people here...very deserving. In high school I had chlymidia, some other wierd lesion thing... and got successfully treated. I had this wierd sexual fetish or pure bad luck for sleeping with girls that we're not only ****s but slept with older men. Having a totally clean slate I started junior college and subsequently met an older asian woman at a golf class. We went on to have the most unbelievable sex rampage for 6 months that to this day and my present condition I can at least say I enjoyed myself. I thought I loved her...catch 22 was she was married p; I didn't know it the 1st day I invited her back to my house but learning of it over the next week I couldn't suppress my feelings. Her husband was a disgusting old, fat man who she said she was leaving once she gained citizenship and ultimately did. One thing led to another, she was 44, became clingy jealous, started coming to my work etc which ended up with me breaking it off. A month or so later I met an 18 year old nugget in a yoga class; daughter of the local jail warden. I thought I had really found someone- while we weren't necessarily serious I most certainly didn't know she was banging 2 other guys. To make a long story short she called 2 weeks into our relationship and said she had blisters, bladder infection...strongly implying I was the cause. Upon hearing of this and the induced stress I got a couple bumps down there. Being a package shaver it was pretty similar to razor burn. Anyways she blamed me and was very emotional, I sincerely denied and was scared to death. Never talked again, lifes never been the same:) This definitely makes me feel better- I suppose if I'm to stick to being truthful, unselfish I'll have to wait on fucking till I know they like me...although in this day and age you can't really say you know/love/commit to someone till you have sex...

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How long ago were you with all these women though? It may be too early for exposure to the virus for some of them. I wish viral shedding was hogwash! But as statistics even here with some members will show you..it is alive and well!

Yes..sunlight is a huge trigger for oral outbreaks. I'm not sure about genital as I don't imagine most of us sunbaking nude much lol. My newest doctor has told me to apply a sunscreen every day which I do, and I have also started taking a vitamin c supplement. This is because she believes that sunlight and lack of vitamin c are the two main triggers for cold sores. Since following this, I have not had an outbreak so I don't plan to stop this anytime soon!

I believe that everyone's story is deserving here. Not sure what you mean by your comment. How could that 18 year old you were with blame you for her contracting genital herpes since she was also sleeping with two other guys? They probably just told they didn't have herpes. Do you know how many people say they don't when they actually do but not even know it themselves?

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I'm sorry to see that you may be in a bit of denial about asymptomatic viral shedding. It has been proven that herpes sheds without symptoms. Studies have been done and the evidence is clear.

However, if you look at the information on that, it is not even close to 100% of the time. If I recall correctly, the average is about 10% of days in someone with a new infection, less with those who have an older infection. But even then, a person doesn't shed all day long. It might be a few hours on any given day when it happens. (At least, that is what the case studies I've read say.) So anyway, maybe you have been lucky with those 11 women and just didn't hit on a day when you were shedding. Or maybe they have not had any recognizable symptoms, which is quite common.

So no, a person is not contagious 100% of the time. Viral shedding doesn't happen 100% of the time. The problem is, there is currently no test that can tell you when you are or are not shedding with fast enough results for it to be useful.

I'm even more sorry to read that you are out there having sex without disclosing you have herpes. I hope you are at least on suppressive meds, but that isn't enough. If you have herpes, and you know it, you should always disclose.

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I can relate to a lot of things that you have said..I too joined to find some comfort and support in others living and dealing with this ongoing and never ending pain in the rear disease.. You spoke on a lot of things that really hit home even though we are of the opposite sex I can truly relate.. thanks for the post and blessings for the future

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I'm certainly a bit naive and a little ignorant about the seriousness of my condition but at the same time "living a normal life" has (until now) trumped everything. I think there's a lot of phobia and misconceptions with herpsters and society. I take suppressants, wear condoms and examine each day. Not to be too graphic but I'm hung enough to where I don't even put "it" in all the way. Only place I've read and researched for men to have an outbreak is at the base and pubic region.

No matter how you slice it there's no easy way to tell a partner and in my generation..."seriousness" of a relationship doesn't develop till after intercourse. I've heard there's an immunization shot in the development stage. Similar to people with other ailments ie: cancer, HIV...I can't believe... not necessarily that there's no cure but at least a way to not transmit so easily:(

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    • WilsoInAus
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    • CHT
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    • Justme88
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    • ScubaSteeve
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