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Need advice - new relationship


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Ok, I'm coming out of a 7 1/2 year marriage and entering the dating scene. I contracted genital herpes from my ex-husband shortly after we started dating. He failed to tell me that he had been in a sexual relationship with someone else shortly before me, and had "ant bites" on his man area (sorry, a little shy). He didn't get them checked out, didn't think more of it, and after a couple months of he and I dating and using protection, he wanted to go without protection one night. I thought it was ok, figured he would've said something had he noticed. About 3 weeks later, I was in the emergency room with the worst case of genital herpes the doctor had ever seen. I didn't know what it was, I never thought I could get herpes! That was something that nasty people got! Or something that people who slept around got. Well, I wasn't nasty, and I never slept around, but my ex did, and that's all it took.

Now, I find myself in the middle of a divorce, and have met another man who is wonderful. As stupid as I am, we have already had sex, but only once. I was not having an outbreak or shedding at the time, and we used protection, so the risk of transmission was very low. Also, it was not very vigorous, it was slower and easier (unlike my ex who was very aggressive in the bedroom, a total turn off, yet he wonders why I didn't want to have sex with him, but that's another story, LOL). I know that the risk of him contracting the virus at that time was low, but not impossible.

I thought at the time that I was stupid for letting it go that far, that I should've just waited to see how the relationship pans out before I laid down with this man. Unfortunately, my hormones got the best of me, and before I knew it, we were undressed and ready to go. He did use protection, I definately made sure of it. But, I didn't think that was a great discussion during foreplay!

Now, I'm in a panic. He wants to come over again this weekend, and I KNOW I can't say no to him (he's too cute), but now I'm seriously afraid that he'll be mortified about me having herpes! I don't blame him though, I would be too. Like I said, he used a condom. I'm just afraid of rejection. I want to be completely honest with him, but am afraid that he's going to freak out.

One thing that complicates things is that he lives 3 1/2 hours away from me, and when he comes down, he usually stays with me. I was thinking of getting a hotel room, then if he decides it's too much for him to handle, I can let him stay there by himself to think about it, and go home and wait for him to decide if he wants to continue on with the relationship. Is this ok?

I've also considered telling him over email, or phone conversation, to let him know ahead of time before he makes the trip down to see me. But, I feel like this is more of a face-to-face conversation thing here. Am I right?

I need some advice. Considering this is my first relationship after my marriage, and I contracted the virus from my ex-husband, I've never had to tell a sexual partner that I have herpes. I'm very scared. Thanks!


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I sympathize with your situation, however, you should have told him before you had sex. You need to tell him. You can actually have legal action taken against you for knowingly having sex with him. Its reckless behavior. Seriously, there are alot of people on this board who got H from people like you. Personally when I start talking to a potential partner(usually online) I tell them up front I have it. Granted they usually split. Thats why I have decided to only date people who have it. I wouldnt want anyone else to get it from me. Yes we are treated like lepers, and yes there is alot of rejection, but its something we all have to deal with. If i were you I would tell him in an email, its alot easier.


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I agree with Amy. This conversation should of taken place with him before you had sex. Even with a condom he is still at risk since the condom only goes up so far. You need to be honest and straight forward with him. GoodLuck

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deffantly tell him in person

but dont tell him in a hotel beause the hotel might get him in the mood and when u tell him he might leave out of anger. I would tell him in a public place that is also private like a park. and if he is undersatnding and u have known eachother for a long time then he will understand and stick by u :)

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  • 1 month later...

Listen...everyone does things they aren't happy with or proud of...including the guy you're going to lay it out with about your herpes.

All I can say is: I told myself for the last two years that I've had it, that I'm worthy of having a great guy...and so are you. It had to start as a discussion in my head that moved down to my heart. And now I really believe it. The thing that hurts most about this virus isn't the physical part, it's the emotional part...feeling like we're damaged. I tried telling this to my boyfriend last night when he was finally completely perplexed about why I won't have sex with him and won't let him go down on me and at the very least, he still wants to date.

Personally, it's just as much his responsibility to ASK you as it is your responsibility to tell him. But that's neither here nor there. You have to decide if you want to be the one who is going to take the "higher road" and lead by example...and maybe he'll follow. Maybe he won't.

In either case, I've had sex and not told a previous partner and it sure made me feel disgusted with myself. Last night, I told my boyfriend and who knows where it will go, but at least the weight isn't on my shoulders anymore and I can breathe easy.

Don't chastise yourself for what you've done. Just make sure you do what your intuition tells you is right.

If you do tell him, best if you took some information with you so he doesn't think you're feeding him a bunch of b.s. It's a lot harder for the guy to contract it than a girl....typical, egh?

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Hi Josie,

Yeah that's a tough situation your in.I'm sure you allready know that you should have told him befor you had sex.Hey we all know about safe sex and that we ALL need to have "the talk" befor we sleep with a new partner and use condoms,doesn't matter if we have herpes or not.Unfortunately not all of do these things.I am glad you used condoms though,but as someone else pointed out,they don't cover it all.

Honey it really doesn't matter if the sex was gentle or rough and wild,Herpes really doesn't care what positions you get into either.You can still get it or pass it!

I started a relationship with a man and was to afriad to say anything.Also I had not gotten the test results back yet so wasn't %100 sure yet.I felt like crap after I had sex with him.I felt like a horrible person and hated myself for a few days until I told him.It was wrong of me to sleep with him even though I hadn't gotten the test results back yet.He was somewhat ok with it at first and he understood how scared I was,but was angry.We didn't have sex again and things ended...for other reasons then the herpes.

This man your seeing may want to end it with you.He may be very angry with you.You have to prepare yourself.Since he does live such a long drive away you may want to tell him on the phone or in an e-mail.I think a phone call is much better though,if not in person.

Please tell the next man you are with befor you sleep with them.You need to tell them befor you do anything sexual actually.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Tough Situation

Starting new relationship myself. He has been the one doing all the chasing. Didn't want to date again after my ex (he had it & didn't tell me).

New guy met at work (gotta quit doing that) and he would come up and rub my shoulders or touch me on the back and I would jump out of my skin. We would joke around alot in the office. Everyone else here knows but he is from our Kentucky group. Anyway, we have been talking on the phone (he is located in my state now) and the discussion got serious. :oops: I told him of my situation and instead of hanging up or backing off he is more determined then ever we get together. He feels we would be good together as a couple and it is something we can work around. :cry: He wants me to come and see him (go to a movie, get something to eat, etc..), no pressure - he realizes have trust issues and other issues to deal with.

Telling him has actually made it easier for me to decide whether to try to continue this or just remain friends and gave him the opportunity to decide too. 1st time had to tell someone. Wasn't easy but was worth it. :)

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Hi there....

In my opinion, it doesn't really matter how you tell someone....whether through email, phone or in person. As long as you do tell them. I've personally done all three and and didn't have any regrets whether I did it in person or via email.

I too, just met someone through the internet. Even though we had been talking via phone and had not met yet, I sent him the email telling him about my herpes. Surprisingly, he was ok with it! This is also a long distance thing and I sure didn't want to visit him and worry the whole time about having to tell in person. It would have been very uncomfortable if I had waited and he didn't want to accept it and be stuck in a town with him not wanting to have anything to do with me.

If you are afraid of having to tell him after the fact, then if it were me, I would send him an email. Explain to him that you can write better than you can verbalize and just come right out and tell him. You will feel better about yourself and you will have given him the choice to make his own decision on whether he wants to proceed or not. If you don't tell him, you are taking his choice away.

I'm not going to judge you for sleeping with him before you told. I've done it and I'm sure a lot of others have too. I didn't tell the first two guys after I was first diagnosed out of fear and shame. But after having this for 23 years, I've only had a couple of men walk away. I think that's a pretty percentage so now, I tell every guy I get seriously involved with.

Hold your head up high...everyone makes mistakes.

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See my story, "I'm the other shoe".

The point is that for me it has worked that my lady friend told me BEFORE we started dating. For guys like me, honesty from the start is very important, and shows that wonderful basic character trait. My motto, "No Game, No Pain".`


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