how to stop being angry at partner?!

[prettylights]

I'm relatively new here (though not to the support forum concept in general) and wasn't sure where else to post this...

Does anyone have any advice about how to stop being so angry at your partner for giving you this? Assuming it wasn't a completely idiotic move on their part, and you legitimately WANT to be with them?

I got herpes from my boyfriend, who got it from a "friend with benefits" after a stupid drunk night with no protection a few weeks before we met. It's been a very odd experience. When we met, I was just out of a seven-year relationship and not looking for anything serious. We had sex very quickly and I started having some itching within a week. I am allergic to both latex and spermicide, so chalked it up to new partner and probably one of those things. We used condoms every time, though we did have unprotected oral. I continued to have mild itching for several weeks that would come and go, but never had any spots, rashes, or pimples. I honestly never thought I could have herpes, I tend to have very sensitive and fair skin so thought it was just a combination of new partner, new condoms, new lube, etc. However, after about a month, he got a mild rash around the base of his penis. He said it was painless and didn't itch. It looked almost like "heat rash," very minor tiny red dots - no raised bumps or sores like you see on the websites. I wasn't really worried but he went to the doc anyway, who ran a herpes test which came back negative. He had been working outside a lot and sweating (he was in construction at the time) so we blamed it on that and forgot about it. I had my doc test me for everything I could think of and everything was negative, so she gave me some steroid-based cream for my itching which seemed to resolve the problem.

A few months went by, we really ended up hitting it off and really liking each other so we had the talk. Who we had sex with recently, when, if we used protection, when we had been tested. He told me he had been tested in october of the past year (this was april) and had only had sex with one other person, one time, with protection since me - and that the girl was a close friend (FWB girl) and that he wasn't concerned about her giving him anything. We stopped using condoms.

In the meantime, FWB girl has drunkenly called him a few times at 3 am, posted some suggestive comments on his facebook page, and repeatedly tried to tell him via phone or text that she really wants to meet me, and that she really hopes we can all be friends. They have been friends for ten years, and apparently had an "agreement" that the second one of them started dating someone, their "arrangement" was over, and that they would remain friends even if they got into other relationships. I contacted her directly and offered to set up a happy hour meeting, or to go to a concert all together that she had been texting him about, if she would let me know some days that worked for her. I'm thirty-one, I understand that people have pasts and I get the FWB thing, and didn't want to create tension between me and his friends, if that makes sense. She told me she would get back to me with her schedule but never did LOL. I was kinda annoyed by the late night phone calls, etc. and told him so, but he still thought her actions were harmless and we should all hang out at some undefined point in the future. Okay by me.

Anyway, I had been fine since my initial itching after meeting him, which lasted about two or three weeks, and seemed to go away with the steroid vulvar cream. I was due for my annual physical about a month after we quit using condoms, so went in for that, and asked her to retest me for everything she could think of, just in case, since we had stopped using condoms. I came back positive for chlamydia. I told him, he told his FWB, she flipped her lid because he hadn't been answering her calls for a few weeks (even though, btw, he had told her over a month prior - even before some of her late night phone calls - that he was dating someone seriously) and accused him of being a "dirty skank @$&#er," to which he pretty politely responded that she was the only person that could have given it to him, so she probably needed to go get tested. At this point I'm pretty sure we are not all going to be great friends, and I told him so. He was still hopeful at this point that we could all at least be civil to one another, because they had so many mutual friends (he says). He told me he didn't think it was fair to condition our relationship on him not being friends with her anymore. I tell him I really don't want to be "friends" with a girl I got chlamydia from, and who appears to be crazy, and he finally says, okay, fine, if you insist then we don't have to be friends with her. Like he's doing me a favor.

Well about a month later, he gets the rash again. We are both a bit weirded out since the chlamydia thing, so he goes back to the doc and asks to be tested for everything again, and so do I. I am negative for everything. He comes back positive for HSV2. I am pissed, and want to know how this happened. He says he can't remember with certainty whether they used protection when he had sex with FWB the week before he met me. They were both drunk, he didn't sleep over, yada yada. I know it's not from me because I was in the relationship for so long, and had a blood test after it ended that came back clean for HSV2 (and chlamydia LOL). He accepts responsibility, tells me how horribly sorry he is, and cuts off all contact (even changes his cell number) with FWB girl, despite all of the awkwardness it causes with their circle of friends. I think I am happy with this.

He has never had another outbreak. He is on acyclovir twice a day to "prevent" giving it to me, though my doc says she thinks I have it based on my symptoms (I get intense itching - with no discharge or lesions - if I don't use lube, if I use lubes with too much fragrance, dyes, or chemicals, if I use scented soaps, if I use scented laundry detergent, if my boyfriend is not SUPER gentle with his hands or penis while we are having sex, if I am stressed, if I use tampons, etc. etc. - very herpes similar) even though I have never had an outbreak of lesions and have yet to test positive for it. I have retested three times in the year and a half since he got his positive test and I tested negative for HSV1, HSV2, and the combo HSV1/2 test the first time, negative for HSV1, HSV2, and then positive for the combo HSV1/2 test the second time, and then negative for all three again the third time. Has anyone else had herpes this way? Where you don't test, don't have lesions, but still have symptoms after being exposed? It freaks me out. I am planning to get tested again in april so we will see what happens then I guess. I finally went to twice daily acyclovir because I was kinda like, the symptoms suck when I get them, and I was starting to have them every month for the week of my period, and it just wasn't worth it to me. I haven't had any problems since I started taking the acyclovir, which my doc says also points to my probably having it.

Anyway, sorry to ramble. My problem is this. He wasn't diagnosed until close to 7 months after we met, and we were already talking about moving in together when we found out. We were, and are, very much in love. We rarely argue and are compatible 99% of the time. We know that we want to be together. I had a lot of anger and sadness when this was all first happening, but I thought I had gotten past most of it.

My problem is that every time he does something stupid (as we all do, I don't mean he cheats on me or beats me or uses drugs, I mean like every day minor inconsiderate things that I normally would probably easily overlook) I tend to overreact on occasion. Not all of the time, but regularly, and especially when I am very stressed at work, or with my family, or with other things in my life. I would say every three months or so, sometimes longer. I tend to overreact to whatever it is that he has done that has irritated me, and get very angry and be very hateful and compare his thoughtlessness in the current situation to his thoughtlessness in giving me herpes. Sometimes it's embarrassingly stupid things that I do this with. It's not just that he gave it to me that makes me mad - it's that he tried to hard to be friends with this girl, and get ME to be friends with her, despite her odd behavior, and despite her already having given him the one STD (chlamydia). I don't understand why he wanted to remain friends with her so bad, and put so much thought and effort into it, and won't put as much thought into our life together and our daily life and the things he forgets and is thoughtless about. I know it's sort of nonsensical but I really feel like he put their "friendship" first and foremost above warning me about the potential for my exposure. I also feel like he put preserving their friendship above our relationship in the beginning, i.e. telling me how it wasn't fair that I would ask him to stop being friends with her, even though in my mind I am wondering how in the hell you want to stay "friends" with someone that you KNOW gave you an STD and obviously wasn't honest about your potential for exposure by having sex with them?!

I know what I just wrote sounds slightly insane, and I promise I am not. I am a pretty normal, chill, laid back person with a good job and a happy relationship 99% of the time. It's just that 1% of the time it seems like some kind of repressed anger just comes out of me, and I end up being very hateful to him for things that I don't think would normally bother me, but somehow put in the context of having to put up with the herpes, and the confusing diagnosis, and this FWB girl's behavior, and his behavior towards her and me...really frustrates me and seems to kind of all gel together into something that makes me much more angrier than I normally am. He's even talked to me about it and my attitude is basically that nothing I could ever say or do to him could ever be as bad as what he put me through. I would like to say for the record that I legitimately can't think of anything I would ask him to change...except to go back in time and not sleep with her, or tell me the truth so I could at least make the decision whether to take the risk. My point is that I really think he is amazing in every way, and I don't think it's a current issue in our relationship that's bothering me. I think I am pissed off about the past, and I'm not sure how to resolve that. I know it's not fair to keep reminding him of how he messed up and to keep lashing out at him over and over for something that he can't change now.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I would really like to forgive him and move on, as I think we have a great future together, but not if I can't let this go. I've seen a therapist and she advised me that I wasn't going to be able to let it go until I "really felt it" and fully experienced it. Okay, but how long does that take? I'm starting to feel like I am going to ruin what is otherwise an awesome relationship if I can't figure this out.

Thanks for any insight anyone can give me.

[d00m kitty]

WOW & welcome prettylights!!

It honestly sounds like your bf was caught out too with FWB girl. So, I'm guessing he's also dealing with the news of HSV as well.

I'm not too sure what to make of your tests though?

As for being angry, that is actually a fairly typical reaction if that's any comfort for you? If perhaps you are still negative at the moment for HSV 1 and/or 2 then perhaps you need to think long & hard how you would really feel if you did get it [knowing at this stage that even now perhaps you do have it].

If you & your bf are so in love with each other I'm sure eventually you will get beyond this. Glad he has quit any friendship with FWB girl. And, personally I don't think that was too harsh of you to ask him to do either, I would have done exactly the same had I been in your shoes!!

You may find, just being on here, having somewhere to get it all out, ask questions, research info - links on right hand side >>> may help you.

hugs

xx

[RealisticGal]

This is a difficult one --- whew!

I understand how awkward the situation with the FWB girl must have been. I'm sure we all do. And yet, I can also see your BF's perspective a bit. It can be difficult, when one has a mutual circle of friends, to suddenly have to change the dynamic with one of those friends because of romantic involvements, etc. So I sympathize with both of you, but I think it is best that she is out of the picture now.

Your diagnosis situation is bewildering, but obviously something is happening to you. What specific tests were done, do you know? It should say on the printout of your results what brand of test kit was used, and also the exact number values of the results if applicable to the test.

It's tough getting past anger, that's for sure. Sometimes the hardest part of doing that is accepting any personal role in the thing that has upset you, and I would say that might be the case to some extent for you.

Here's what I'm talking about. You mentioned at the beginning of your story that you guys had sex pretty fast after meeting. Then you went on to mention that several months went by, you hit it off, and then you had the talk about sexual history.

So if I'm getting the story right, prior to that...

He didn't tell you his history and you didn't ask. You didn't tell him your history and he didn't ask.

What if it had been you who unknowingly had herpes or some other STI (quite possible) and potentially gave it to him? Would you expect him to get past his anger for the sake of the relationship?

I know it's a bit harsh of me to suggest that means you have a bit of responsibility in this whole thing, but that is what I'm going to have to say.

It's a shame the course of events didn't happen in a different sequence. What if you'd had the history talk before having sex?

But you didn't. Neither one of you initiated it. Neither one of you demanded it. You both decided to take the risk without discussing it.

When it comes down to it, I believe (JMO) that if you want a relationship to work, you have to put it first. Not you. Not him. The relationship. So if you want it to work out with this guy, you need to put the relationship first and let go of your anger at him for the sake of that working out.

What you have written here makes it very clear that you realize the anger will crush the relationship eventually. It seems to me you are very aware of this, and worried about it. It also seems clear that you care about this guy and are able to see his many good qualities.

I guess you could ask yourself what is important to you, then work on letting go of whatever isn't so important.

If anger is what you find most important, you will probably have to let go of a lot of good things in order to hold onto that.

Hope you can find a way to make it work for you (two).

[MsLucy]

It sounds to me as though you're more hurt than angry... hurt that it seemed more important to him to continue his friendship (while pushing you into the same), and also hurt that she (in essence) infected you as well as him, yet he didn't seem terribly upset. You feel in some way... betrayed?

Anger generally subsides rather quickly. Hurt can linger for a long time, hide itself under the surface, and then ressurect itself at the least provocation. It can take a long time to heal, and if the offending issue is not resolved, sometimes it never does. It just festers.

RG makes a valid point about culpability. Nevertheless, what you're feeling is real, and as such, is valid. It's almost impossible, in any long-term relationship, not to hurt the ones we love. Most often, it's unintentional.. something that seems inconsequential to the 'doer', but for one reason or another, cuts the 'recipient' to the quick. When that happens, it causes problems because one is deeply affected, while the other can't see the big deal. They're looking at it from widely differing viewpoints.

Trying to find the middle ground can be frustrating at best, but it's possible, and usually the most you can hope for. After all, what you really want is not retribution, but acknowlegement from your bf that your pain is justified, right? He can't undo what's been done, he can only admit that he sees your point, and respects it. Realistically, that's all he can do, and what you'll have to accept if you really want to move on.

Have you tried talking to him, and explaining exactly what it is that bothers you about the whole thing? Not yelling, crying, or accusing, but talking, preferably during a time when you're not upset. Explain to him what you need from him, whether it's an apology, or whatever, in terms he can understand. He should be able to acknowlege that his actions hurt you, even if he can't really understand why.

I love men. I truly do, but they just don't see some things the same way we do, especially emotional issues. We get ourselves all upset, rant and rave like lunatics, cry and carry on, while they just stand there and stare at us like we just stepped out of a spaceship. They can't help it. They just don't speak the language, if you know what I mean.

[Joefireman]

I told myself I'd only get on this forum to learn how to deal with my cold sore. Sounds like I have it easy but you could fool me. Anyway . . . I can't pin point when or how I got this virus. May have been my new girl friend who's ex had given her the clap many years ago. So you can see there's a history. She's been supportive. She knew right off I suspected that I got it from her. She shows no symptoms and has never had a out break. I've had three so far. Neither of us have been tested to know exactly what's what. My guess is that my Dr doesn't think its necessary since it's clearly obvious I have HSV of some kind. Fortunately/unfortunately my OB is on my face. I don't know what you would think of yourself but I feel absolutely devastated. I'm 45 years old. Recently divorced and now a new GF and I have HSV.

Not all men are emotionless. I think I cried for two or three days when the first OB happened. I wanted to kill my GFs ex husband. Still would like to tune him up a bit. I'm healing from my third OB. Isn't it great. Just in time for Christmas and my youngest son received his Eagle Scout award the same week.

Sorry enough rambling. Men are emotional. We display it differently and sometimes not at all. At work I have to not care about anything or anybody. The law of the land is you tear apart your coworker. Find a flaw and exploit it. So here I am fighting back tears because I have to go to work with this sore clearly visible on my face and endure the heckling and name calling from my coworkers. I know emotions all too well. I fight them hard. I have to or I would have done something very stupid earlier this year.

Good luck with you virus. I feel like I'm loosing my battle. I'm trying diet changes and really struggling since I had been doing so well with my diet routine.

That's enough from me.

[RealisticGal]

I told myself I'd only get on this forum to learn how to deal with my cold sore. Sounds like I have it easy but you could fool me. Anyway . . . I can't pin point when or how I got this virus. May have been my new girl friend who's ex had given her the clap many years ago. So you can see there's a history. She's been supportive. She knew right off I suspected that I got it from her. She shows no symptoms and has never had a out break. I've had three so far. Neither of us have been tested to know exactly what's what. My guess is that my Dr doesn't think its necessary since it's clearly obvious I have HSV of some kind. Fortunately/unfortunately my OB is on my face. I don't know what you would think of yourself but I feel absolutely devastated. I'm 45 years old. Recently divorced and now a new GF and I have HSV.

Who cares what your doctor thinks is "necessary?"

What do you think is necessary? What do you want?

I consider myself the boss of my health care team. My doctors are supportive team members, but I am the one in charge. If they wouldn't go along with the plan I consider best, chances are they wouldn't last very long on my team.

If you want to identify what you are actually dealing with, you should find a doctor or clinic who will do definitive laboratory tests.

Are you taking any antiviral meds to help with your outbreaks?

By the way, thanks for the reminder that men, even though they are a different species, do go through typical human emotions and suffering.

[MsLucy]

I never meant to infer that men are emotionless. But it's been my experience that men tend to internalize their emotions much more than women do, and have a different set of priorities about what warrants getting really upset over. Of course, there are exceptions.

I'm really sorry that your cold sores cause you so much anxiety. It sounds like you work in a pretty hostile environment, and I'm sorry about that, too. No one should feel like they're going off to war when they go to work. The sad thing is, if those clods where you work got tested, about 80% of them would find they carry the virus, too. That's what makes it so infuriating when idiots make jokes about people who show symptoms. It's usually the idiots who think they're above having it, that pass it around so freely.

I hope you feel better soon.