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I think I got herpes last April. I was dating this 26 year old guy, who had seemed really nice in public. He asked me if I wanted to go home with him and watch a movie and (stupid 19 year old naive me) decided to go with him. So we went to his house. I fell asleep. I woke up to him kissing me, and I’ve never done anything even remotely physical with someone before, so I thought, okay, sure, but then he went for my pants and I told him to keep it above the waist.

He did for awhile. But at one point he ignored my protesting and performed oral sex on me. Now, I’m in this stupid stupid situation, absolutely terrified about what he’ll do if I physically try to get away (I mean, I’m not very big, it’s not like I could get him off me), so I just wait for it to stop. He seemed oblivious to the fact that I was scared shitless, and I tried to save face and act like everything was normal until I could get the hell out of there.

I went to the STD clinic about a week and a half later to have everything checked out, and the woman there tried to convince me that there was very little I could manage to get from oral sex, but she did the whole inspection anyway to make me feel better. I went back again because I was itching, but she didn’t find anything wrong with me, and then I went back a few months later because I had something that looked like a paper cut, and she swabbed it for HSV but didn’t find anything apparently. She also told me that if it was HSV, I would have probably noticed something within the first few weeks, and this was nearly three months later. But from what I’ve been reading, the swabs aren’t necessarily that accurate, I don’t know what type of HSV she swabbed for, and I’ve had a few “paper cuts” since then, but they heal by the time I could get in to get anything swabbed. I also had mono during the summer, which had clearly come from him, despite his denials.

I’ve asked the guy online if he had any STDs he knew about, and he said no. I told him about the mono, and seeing as he’d had mono-like symptoms a few weeks earlier, it was pretty obvious that he’d given me that, but he denied it. When I asked again a few months later about STDs because I was getting symptoms, he said “no, and next you’ll accuse me of being Hitler”. So apparently I’m the bad guy here. So I told him that I’m getting blood tests and he can do whatever the hell he wants, and I’ve yet to hear anything back.

I’m fairly convinced that I have herpes. I’ve had papercut sort of things and swollen glands down there several times, among other things. I want to go get a blood test as soon as I’m able to. I feel like shit. I feel worthless. I feel like no one will ever love me or accept me if this is what I have, and I go through periods of being okay, with constant depressive lapses where I feel suicidal and want to tell university security to lock the doors to the roof because sometimes I could jump over the edge. I haven’t told any of my friends and somehow manage to act normal in public, but just go back to my room and cry a lot of the time.

Rationally I know I’m overreacting, but psychologically I can’t get over the fact that through the first and last incredibly stupid teenage thing I’d ever done, that I may have royally fucked up my life, because some stupid asshole didn’t know the meaning of the word stop. And now if I ever find myself in a situation where I actually trust men again, I’m going to have to somehow tell them that I have herpes, and have them automatically jump to that conclusion that everyone seems to, that you must’ve slept around with 100 people/totally reject me because they’re scared of getting it. But this crap happened to me the FIRST time.

I feel pretty hopeless right now. I feel dirty. I feel really guilty about getting myself into such a stupid situation, and guilty about not doing everything within my power to escape, whatever he might have done to me. But that’s my story.

I just really want to feel some love right now and be told that everything’s alright, but I don’t know where to turn.

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I'm sorry you feel this way but I also understand how you feel because I just found out tuesday that I have genital herpes and of course it's been hard on me especially when my hubby gets up for work every morning cause I just feel so alone even though the kids stay home with me all day, but not having my hubby in the day time kills me inside. I feel really depressed and suicidal but I know I would never hurt myself because of my beautiful family. I hope everything turns out good for you. :)

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That guy forced himself on you --- otherwise known as rape, or at least sexual assault. Please don't blame yourself for that. It wasn't a "stupid thing you did." You are a victim in this --- you should hold no guilt about it. It was a criminal thing that HE did. He is much older than you and he did wrong. And along with that, he gave you herpes. What a guy.

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