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working through

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as i sit here after a sleepless night, sure of my recent discovery of contacting herpes 2 (i already suffer from 1), i am simply in disbelief. i am a 31 year old gay male who, after a rather sexually excessive holiday last week (indeed, a rarity for me), i have somehow managed to connect with another who left me with a lasting gift.

i have always had a fear of contacting a virus - primarily hiv - and so i am prone to heightened anxiety surrounding sex. for the last week i was sure that my mind had been playing games with me, that my body could not REALLY be itching, burning, communicating with me that something was happening inside of me. until last night, when i saw what looked like lone pimples scattered on my thighs, my upper chest, and my head/face.

i cannot even begin to imagine what these sores will look like in an hour, later today, tomorrow, or even next week. i am obsessed to know how it will all play out. will this first outbreak be as nightmarish as the photos i see online? what will i say to others when they undoubtedly recognize my head/face? what and how will i tell others before a sexual encounter? my mind races with how this virus will stigmatize me. i answer the questions over and over again in my mind, unhappy with every response.

in flashes of worry, i feel sickened by all of this. i feel dirty, ashmaed of what i have done, of what my body will continue to do as the virus progresses. i cannot reconcile the fact that some virus is wreaking havoc deep inside my nerve cells.

i wish i could go back and do it all over again. i wish i could heed the warnings of stds more effectively, rather than worry solely about hiv. i wish my mind--and my body--would stop playing games with me. i wish, i wish, i wish.

i wish for hope. i am eternally hopeless right about now, trying my best to make peace with this unfortunate reality. i'm not sure if i am able. i'm not sure what to do. this is all so new to me, so i know i am still in shock.

what will the next hour look like? how about later today? and then, tomorrow? what about next week? i know that only time will tell, and yet it is time that i am so unsure of right about now...

--working through

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work, I understand you are worried at the moment and it's a feeling all of us here can relate to, but I could highly recommend to get tested since the rash all over the body might not be HSV2 to start with. But if you do have HSV2 you should learn is not that different from HSV1 which you already had.

The virus works differently on al of us, that is why I can't really tell you you'll have the aspect of the people that post pictures online, I did and even if it didn't look pleasant I can say it wasn't that terrible.

educate yourself, come into chat, ask questions and don't feel ashamed, the stigma to this is the worst part we are normal and will have wonderful lives after this.

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Try a Lysine supplement for cold sores

  • The Hive is Thriving!

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    • viralfrog
      That's some new info for me you mentioned about talking valtrex during the first month of infection. When I got mine, it was after heavy nights of partying (that I don't normally do) in the southern islands so my immunity was definitely dead. I was still a student back then.. I didn't start Acyclovir until a month after or so.  For mixing BHT with coconut oil, I just added them together into a glass pipette bottle and put the jar in a bowl of almost boiling water. It worked very easily to create a 250mg/ml solution.  I might give BHT another try, I quit if after 2 weeks because I didn't get any effects from it. Might give it another go at 1g/day.  Root canalled tooth.. is this because you get the outbreaks in your mouth? I also have a root canalled tooth but the OBs are genital. 
    • jmherped
      Yes, it was affecting my thyroid, I can feel it swell when the infection comes on.  It is known as hashimoto's.  The immune system inadvertently attacks the thyroid tissue in a collateral damage type effect.  It can be caused by any of the 8 types of herpes virus.  I believe that my infection is in my vagus nerve.  Anyways, it has been hell, but I have it to a manageable level now.  Steven also said that the recurring infection could be due to a root canalled tooth.  I had a root canal job done on a molar but never got around to putting a crown on it, so that could be causing some reactivation as well.  I am planning to pull it out soon. 
    • jmherped
      Thanks Quest, so I just googled this and it appears that heating does break it down.  I have been heating at the lowest heat that my gas burner will burn at, and just to the point where I can get it to dissolve, but it appears I have been inactivating a percentage of the bht.  Will have to figure out a better way.   I think heating to 100 degrees celsius likely will not inactivate too much.  According to this study, heating it to 175 degrees for 2 hours only inactivated 15-30% of the bht.  I think I read the way to heat it was inside a jar placed into a pot of boiling or simmering water.  Will try making a batch that way.  https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11746-000-0147-9 
    • jmherped
      Valtrex is worthless against my strain anyways, it does next to nothing, and it irritates my kidneys, so for some strains it will do nothing period.  It is criminal that there are vaccines that have been developed that can't get funding from big pharma.  Seriously hate big pharma. 
    • JHenry
      To save everyone time in translating, the article is about Trivalent and contains nothing “new” to share.  However, fingers crossed on this one :-)

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