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working through

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as i sit here after a sleepless night, sure of my recent discovery of contacting herpes 2 (i already suffer from 1), i am simply in disbelief. i am a 31 year old gay male who, after a rather sexually excessive holiday last week (indeed, a rarity for me), i have somehow managed to connect with another who left me with a lasting gift.

i have always had a fear of contacting a virus - primarily hiv - and so i am prone to heightened anxiety surrounding sex. for the last week i was sure that my mind had been playing games with me, that my body could not REALLY be itching, burning, communicating with me that something was happening inside of me. until last night, when i saw what looked like lone pimples scattered on my thighs, my upper chest, and my head/face.

i cannot even begin to imagine what these sores will look like in an hour, later today, tomorrow, or even next week. i am obsessed to know how it will all play out. will this first outbreak be as nightmarish as the photos i see online? what will i say to others when they undoubtedly recognize my head/face? what and how will i tell others before a sexual encounter? my mind races with how this virus will stigmatize me. i answer the questions over and over again in my mind, unhappy with every response.

in flashes of worry, i feel sickened by all of this. i feel dirty, ashmaed of what i have done, of what my body will continue to do as the virus progresses. i cannot reconcile the fact that some virus is wreaking havoc deep inside my nerve cells.

i wish i could go back and do it all over again. i wish i could heed the warnings of stds more effectively, rather than worry solely about hiv. i wish my mind--and my body--would stop playing games with me. i wish, i wish, i wish.

i wish for hope. i am eternally hopeless right about now, trying my best to make peace with this unfortunate reality. i'm not sure if i am able. i'm not sure what to do. this is all so new to me, so i know i am still in shock.

what will the next hour look like? how about later today? and then, tomorrow? what about next week? i know that only time will tell, and yet it is time that i am so unsure of right about now...

--working through

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work, I understand you are worried at the moment and it's a feeling all of us here can relate to, but I could highly recommend to get tested since the rash all over the body might not be HSV2 to start with. But if you do have HSV2 you should learn is not that different from HSV1 which you already had.

The virus works differently on al of us, that is why I can't really tell you you'll have the aspect of the people that post pictures online, I did and even if it didn't look pleasant I can say it wasn't that terrible.

educate yourself, come into chat, ask questions and don't feel ashamed, the stigma to this is the worst part we are normal and will have wonderful lives after this.

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Try a Lysine supplement for cold sores

  • The Hive is Thriving!

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    • Quest
      Him holding my hips, grabbing ass, then grabbing his cock is what I worry about. I also worry about shedding anywhere from the boxer shorts area and that's a mighty big area. It is the unknown. It would be nice to cover the entire area and then I just don't have to worry! Then the part that is exposed which  would be a very small spot. Maybe cover with that liquid glove?!? I just like the idea of doing my best
    • 35hope
    • Hairpees
      I wouldn’t because that would be outing myself as well unfortunately. It just sucks because our mutual friends have no clue why I carry such resentment towards him, and wonder why they can’t even bring up his name around me anymore. Im sure they think I’m a crazy jealous person who is hurt things didn’t work out or that I’m being dramatic for no reason. I can’t explain to or confide in anyone but the users on this forum.
    • Jorjanewnew
      Girl! I am actually on the same exact position. My new bf gave it to me and he put the blame on me! When he was my 2nd partner and I hadn’t had sex in 5 years (last guy was a virgin). I know that alone feeling but know you’re not alone. I just got diagnosed 2 weeks ago too. It’s crazy you see yourself differently but I promise no one around you does.
    • Cas9
      How would that location (upper crack) come in contact with him during doggy style sex? Maybe after the act if he fell on top of you while you're face down. I would suggest simply observing whether there are sores in these areas that are somewhat removed from the genital area. If there are no sores than the odds of you transferring to him such as the lower stomach or leg etc.., are pretty damn low. Obviously, we can come always come up with a scenario where you could transmit. For example, if you were on your stomach and he was sliding his dick up and down your butt crack and you had sores there, then yes, he could get infected. If you were just shedding there it would be less likely but possible. But try doing that with your clothes on. I don't think that would work out very well; Do you?  Wearing clothes during sex like that woman you portrayed in your earlier comment is sexy. But that's all together different.

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