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love2011

too scared to tell

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love2011

I feel like a cow. Diagnosed with genital herpes 3/4 months ago after I was taken advantage of by a horrible horrible man, so unfair the pain I went through because of that bastard but anyway..

The first person I slept with after that I told, he took it well but I was so scared I was shaking and I felt sick, massive moment killer as well. We slept together using a condom a couple of times after that but no oral. Anyway it was just a casual sex thing nothing serious.

The next guy I hooked up with I realised I really liked him and it was so spur of the moment it was incredible, however I got lost in it and before I knew it he was giving me oral, it wasn't as if I could stop him half way through and go "wouldn't do that mate" so I sort of let him carry on. Wasn't having any kind of outbreak and had read previously that its very unlikely he'd get it.

Anyway havnt seen him in a few weeks because Ive been home for Christmas but what am I going to do when I see him again? If we hook up again, which Im sure we will, how do I tell him that Ive been a complete idiot and that I just let him carry on knowing that Im infected.

I feel horrible for doing this to him and I dont know how to tell him. Lie and say I didnt know at the time or some other bullshit? or tell him the truth that I was too scared?

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Tiny

Try and tell him the truth. In my experience not being honest if it is a long term thing is bad. I was involved with a man for 3 years (he lives overseas so it was not that frequent) and during that time I didn't tell him because my dr has told me on the meds my risk was negligible of passing it on. When things were getting more serious I told him (it was emotional thing for me--I got it from an abusive partner who passed it intentionally)--it was not ideal. He wasn't pissed about the herpes but that I had not been honest and allowed him to make his own risk assessment. Its been a couple of months since I told him and I am still not sure how its going to end up.

If you tell at least you know if he sticks around he's a keeper :-)

You could be flexible with the truth...you could say you have heard your ex has it and you think you should both go and get checked out (it may require some oscar winning acting though when you get the results). There is a possibility he has it already, you just don't know.

If you are very worried get on the suppressive meds the risk is tiny female to male then something around 1% per year.

Do you know what type you have? HSV 1 or 2?

Because passing HSV 2 to the lips from oral is apparently exceptionally rare, and if you have genital HSV 1 it is also marginally less transmissible than HSV 2.

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gotitsowhat

Just tell him (and tell him now before this drives you any crazier):

"I was so caught up in our lovemaking last time that I did not think about the health and hygiene aspect of it. I think you need to know that I carry the herpes simplex virus, type 2, genital herpes. I know that passing on this type from genitals to lips is very rare so the odds are good that you have not caught it. Also, I do take suppressive medication to control the virus. But at this point, if we're going to continue, I thought you should know about it."

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love2011

thankyou your responses have made me feel a lot calmer about the whole situation, you have been a massive help. I will see how things go with him when I get back to uni and will tell him straight away. Thank you x

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mortmaiden

What do you have, hsv-1 or hsv-2?

I have hsv-1 and haven't told my boyfriend of a year, and we do have unprotected sex. I did mention in passing that I got 'cold sores' but nothing more. TBH I'm not worrying about it too much. Well over half the population have hsv-1.

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smithyuk

I dont know how you tell someone for the time before you have sex it must be really hard.

But i really wish my girlfriend had told me.

I only found out after 4 months and its now really upset me.

You need to be upfront and it sounds like you are going to be.

Its a hard situation

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love2011
What do you have, hsv-1 or hsv-2?

I have hsv-1 and haven't told my boyfriend of a year, and we do have unprotected sex. I did mention in passing that I got 'cold sores' but nothing more. TBH I'm not worrying about it too much. Well over half the population have hsv-1.

Urm genital herpes is 2 right? Thats what I have.

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Tiny

Not always.

Primarily HSV 1 is on the lips and HSV 2 on the genitals.

But HSV 1 can pass to the genitals via oral sex (likewise 2 to the lips in the same way)

I am not sure of the exact percentage but something life 20% of new genital infections are in fact HSV 1.

Mostly this means less recurrence, and less risk of transmission because the virus is outside of its preferred home.

However at this point my doctor is reasonably certain I have gHSV 1 (I have had some conflicting test results) and I get a relatively high level of recurrence. Probably more than 4 per year if I was not on valtrex.

That being said 80% of the population have anti-bodies for HSV 1 so it is important for both you and and new partners to get typed. So you know. Somebody with absolutely no antibodies to either will be more at more risk than somebody who has HSV but a different strain, alternately if they have the same strain then there is almost nor risk at all.

The specialist I saw yesterday said the best precautions are knowing both your and your partners status and taking suppressive meds.

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mortmaiden

HSV 1 is now a more common cause of genital herpes in younger people than HSV 2.

A UK study about 9 years ago showed that 70% of genital herpes in women under 30 and 41% of genital herpes in men under 30 was caused by HSV 1 not HSV-2. In the US, a recent study showed that 78% of new genital herpes infections in young women were caused by HSV-1, and GHSV 1 infection rates are on the up.

Genital HSV 1 is very commonly caught through receiving oral sex. Women are more at risk, since their external genitals are more vulnerable to the virus. Hence the higher infection rates in women.

GHSV-1 is less commonly caught through intercourse with a partner that has genital HSV-1. Firstly, because a majority of people have a high level of immunity to catching genital HSV-1 because they already have oral HSV-1. Secondly, because genital HSV-1, while on the up, is still far less common than oral HSV-1, which is carried by more than half of adults. And thirdly, because genital herpes type 1 is FAR less infectious than oral HSV-1 because it is outside of its 'site of preference'. Oral HSV 1 reactivates 15-18% of the time, while genital HSV 1 reactivates about 3-4% of the time - and generally causes far fewer outbreaks than genital hsv-2 or oral hsv-1.

Note that HSV 1 EASILY infects the genitals if you have no prior oral type 1 infection and are exposed to active virus. It is not picky about where it infects, hence how common genital type 1 is getting. The 'site of preference' does not mean it is hard to get it elsewhere - just that if you do it will cause fewer outbreaks on average.

Doctors in the UK don't always inform you what type you have - although if they have performed a swab test, they should know. My sister caught genital hsv-1 and wasn't initially informed what type she had. It was only later, when she got curious and asked about her records, that she found out she actually had hsv-1 not hsv-2. Worth finding out, because it does make a difference.

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Doc Holiday

Then don't.

Suppressive therapy, contraceptive, and theoretical thinking>>>>>>>>>>>disclosing, embarrassment, and rejection

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