Why why why why why!!!!

[Kitty123]

I just don't get it?

How could my boyfriend want me back after I stepped outside of our 4 year relationship and contracted Herpes(2) and then brought it back INTO our relationship while we were working on patching things up!?

How could my boyfriend look at me and tell me how much he really does love me, give me a ring, and tell me he doesn't care if he catches it from me?

NOBODY DESERVES THIS STUPID VIRUS!! NOBODY!! Especially my boyfriend.

By now, he's probably got H, but when I found out I had it after what is believed to be my initial OB in July, he tested negative, but wanted to continue to have sex without condoms and I persistently fought with him. His argument is, "we are in this together", and he tells me how much he loves me.

....yet.....every now and then, he has problems with the fact that I slept with someone else, and makes it a point to make it known. (which by the way, I had never done such a foolish and selfish thing ever before, but we were having issues, and I made a stupid mistake, which I regret)

Things HAVE improved between us (well obviously - cuz i now have a ring!), but I STILL just don't get it.

Why would anyone want this for the sake of love????

[WarriorKing]

It's not just a cliche. Life IS short and the end point is unknown. People live with much worse medical and non medical stuff.

[MsLucy]

I just don't get it?....

Why would anyone want this for the sake of love????

It seems to me that anyone who has to ask that question has yet to understand the nature of real love.

Real love sees the big picture... the whole person, not just the good and the bad. They are not separate entities, but part of the whole... inseparable, and accepted as such. Apparently he sees herpes as part of the whole of you, inseparable from the person he loves, and so, lovable as well.

Real love comes into our lives too rarely for us to afford to push it away with our own doubts and insecurities. Accept it with grace, embrace it for what it is, and be grateful.

[Kitty123]

Thanks for your input guys, but my problem is, I contracted it from stepping outside our relationship....and then I brought it back INTO our relationship, while he has tested negative back in October, I can rest assure you, he's probably positive now...I dread the thought of it...

I went to see my therapist yesterday, who has now put NEW thoughts into my head.....He said that this could be very manipulative in nature.....he could be telling me, "Everything will be ok, I love you, I don't care if I catch Herpes" - to manipulate me - perhaps subconsciously......that kinda worries me! I don't want to believe that my (now fiancee) would ever do something like that to me.

It just makes me secretly feel even worse inside. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. And my fiancee CERTAINLY does not deserve to get H just because I made a foolish mistake.

My therapist also said that this 'fling' that I had, well I certainly didn't have a crystal ball and I would have NEVER known this was going to happen so I have to stop beating myself up over it. BUT REALLY!?!? I'm sure if he was ever in my shoes, he wouldn't say that....

It's just such a sad, dark feeling deep down. And I am trying really hard to get out of this funk, but the feeling of guilt knowing I gave someone a life-long condition makes me feel terrible.

[WarriorKing]

I don't like your therapist. If you and your fiance can have eyeball to eyeball kitchen table conversations about herpes, and his acceptance of it and you can trust what he says with eyes wide open then that is more important than your therapist injecting distrust into the relationship.

If you know that your boyfriend will throw the other guy in your face on occasion, then don't go forward with him. That thing that happened is done and over with. And your fiance needs to agree in frank conversations to let it go. If he is struggling with it, don't leave, it may take time, but don't tie the know until he can. You have much bigger issues to face together.

And please drop the life-long condition drama. I have carried genital herpes for over 32 years. Is that older than you are? I have had this "horrific" "life-long condition" that you would not wish on your "worst enemy" and it is NOT all that. You have the wrong idea about it.

[Kitty123]

*sigh*....You know what Mr. Honest? I'm sure you are right. But this is all new to me, and like many others who are struggling to come to terms with it. I will get there soon.

My fiancee hasn't thrown 'that guy' in my face since I told him not to do it anymore a few months back. But he still won't sit in the passenger seat of my car bcuz he knows 'that guy' sat in it. But he did say, "In time..." - I really hope he means that. I'm sure its really hard for him. But at the same time, I don't feel fully 'forgiven' because he still won't sit in my car. Might sound petty to some, but its a big deal to him. I just wish he would just do it. But he's really offended by it. But by him continuing to feel this way, puts alot of stress on me. There are worse things to feel horrible over, than not wanting to sit in my car???

I'm sure his past girlfriends have slept in his bed, and I sleep in it. Do I feel bad? No. The cirumstance is not that because he cheated in his bed, but still....the concept is still there.

And you couldn't be more right. I *WONT* tie the knot until I know that he is ready to put it all behind him. If I see him consistently making an effort to overcome it (like I am doing),then I know its for real. But if he were to continue to make jabs at me, I couldn't see myself living like that. I know what I did wrong, I don't deserve a lifetime of punishment for it.

I guess all in all, I'm just having a hard time accepting that he could still want me after what I did. Thats a whole separate issue from herpes, I'm sure.

I apologize to you if I've made Herpes sound worse than it is. I am on my way to leading a 'psychologically' normal life. I am really trying. Its not easy.

[WarriorKing]

He is certainly still very affected by it by your description of the car seat issue.

I am not offended. I sometimes have to choose words that might shock you into getting over your acceptance of the nonsense ideas about herpes.

[MsLucy]

Herpes may not be an issue for him, but from what you describe, it's obvious he still has serious issues with the affaire. Not sitting in your passenger seat makes it sound as if, on some level... maybe subconsciously... he still feels like he wants to punish you. He's still hurt/angry, and that's his way of expressing it.

I'm no psychologist, but it sounds to me like he needs to find someone (a counselor?) who he can verbalize those feelings to, and deal with them head on. Burying them will not help, but only cause them to fester. I wouldn't suggest that you're the best person for him to verbalize them to, though. Better it be someone impartial, and uninvolved, so that he can be brutally honest without causing any more damage to the relationship.

Just a suggestion...

[Kitty123]

I've considered suggesting that to him. I'm slowly working on it.

I agree with you MsLucy. His behaviour is somewhat punishing me still, and it eats me alive.

Not to say that he should just sweep it under the rug and move on, but at least come to terms with 'what is done is done' and as much as I would LOVE to change things, I simply can't. But I can say one thing. I've learned from my mistake, I am human, and I am working on becoming a better person because of it. (not that I was a horrible person to start with...but ...you know what I mean)