Help...please...

[ScotChickRocker]

Hi there,

Ive just signed up to this as I can see it is a massive support unit for us carriers.

I found out 10months ago that I had contracted the HSV2 virus after a stoopid fling with a guy, who only told me as I had been admitted into hospital. As you can imagine I am no longer with this person.

The words to describe how I feel is imaginable... but im sure you can guess

But enough about that... I have a problem and I dont know how to deal with it.

I have recently started a relationship with this amazing guy, but we are nearing the stage of becoming intimate, but I dont know how to tell him about my herpes (im scared of losing him) but when I kiss him I have started coming out with coldsore's on my mouth, which has instantly got my attention... could he be a carrier of HSV1?

I need some advice guys.

Thanks

NewYorkDreamer

[Tiny]

This is always a hard thing...and a thing people on here talk about a lot.

The most important thing is being factual, and confident. If you are scared or embarrassed when you tell him it will make him feel scared too...and that is no good. Maybe suggest that he go to a STD or GUM clinic and get his own advice--as if you are anything like me you will be inclined to try and down play the risk...because you have your heart invested in it...and that isn't fair to him or you.

It is too hard for some people to accept and you need to be prepared for that. It may be a shock...and sometimes with men it is a good idea to allow them some space to process this kind of thing. It is so hard to fight that urge for an instant answer that everything is going to be okay.

What about suggesting that you both go for a full STI test? Who knows he may already have it.

Be brave.

Good luck.

[FiorellaKW]

NYD, Vtiny is right, be factual.... and confident if you know this is not the end of the world tell him. Know what you are talking about and be prepared for questions, the full STI screening is a good idea if you think he might have HSV1.

Good luck

[flygirl2010]

If you have HSV 2 you cant get 1.....you could get HSV 2 oral though....IF you have one you can get 2 .... its a good idea to for both of you to get STD checked before moving on...

[Washappy1]

How do you always manage to stay so positive? You've sent me some kind messages and I marvel at how upbeat you are. I definitely want to drink your kool aid!

Washappy1

[norcallove]

If you have HSV 2 you cant get 1.....you could get HSV 2 oral though....IF you have one you can get 2 .... its a good idea to for both of you to get STD checked before moving on...

I'm confused. I might be reading your post wrong - but are you trying to say if you have HSV2 you can't get HSV1 and then you say if you have HSV1 you can get HSV2 though. If that is what you are trying to say, that is incorrect. Anyone can get both HSV1 and HSV2. I have both. I only show symptoms for HSV2 though. It is true that it is harder for you to get another strain if you already have one (due to your body already producing antibodies), but it is possible. Again, if I read it wrong, I'm sorry, but that is how I interpreted it.

[Amalia]

I read that the same way, norcallove. You can definitely get both and I know as I have both in their preferred homes.

[ScotChickRocker]

SUCCESS STORY WITH 'THE TALK'

I was diagnosed with HSV2 in March 2010, from a guy I had brief relation with, he neglected to tell me that he had the virus. It took me a long time to accept this and had only been recently that I have thought about dating again.

I met this wonderful man, who I do see a future with, he is the nicest, caring gentleman type I have had the pleasure of meeting, I think I knew instantly that this could potentially go somewhere. We have been seeing each other for 2 months and this burden was beginning to get too much for me to handle, after discussing with my best friend, she signed me up to this support forum (best thing she did). I instantly began chatting to people on her 2days ago. I found the courage yesterday after talking it over with my best mate and a few kind, supportive people on here (Thanks - you know who you are!) to give me that little push to have 'The Talk'...It has been such a weight on my shoulders the past few months, I felt guilty, scared,nervous and totally freaked out..I was convinced that he would be disgusted and walk out.

The actual 'Talk'

He came round to mine while my friend was here and my daughter was still awake...once she was put to bed...me and my friend discussed (subtly) about wether she should stay for support/mediation or not...which we both thought it may be ok for me but we were sure that would make things uncomfortable for him and he wouldn't like that.

So my friend left, must have felt like an hour when in realisation it was only 5minutes before I asked a small question to test the water....I asked him if I could trust him with anything and that he wouldn't disclose anything to anyone else if I asked him not to.....He looked at me funny and said of course I could...no doubt. It then took me another 10/15 minutes to ask another question (which I thought was v.important) I asked him for the final time how he felt about me...He began twiddling his jogging trouser string in his fingers and started mumbling '...of course..I like you a lot'

I just said very bluntly.....'Listen, don't beat about the bush, just be bluntly honest how you feel ....please!?@!...his reply was....'I love how things are going and, i know you don't like to label things..but I see you as my 'girlfriend' already...' I thought to myself (phew) this can only be good!

So that was the final green light I evidently needed to unload this weight from my already heavy (with baggage) shoulders.

I started the conversation off with ' Have you ever had a cold sore?.....Do you know what they are?'

His reply was ' no, not really, my Mum gets them a lot, I just thought they were Ulcers' haha

I started getting very nervous and stuttering and putting my head down a lot....

I needed to pull myself together and just tell him.... I tried to explain the best way I could....Ok well it comes from the chicken pox family, basically it is a virus that always stays in your system and lies dormant until something triggers it, there are different levels and different areas you can get it on your body. I caught this sexually from a guy who deceived me (didn't tell me)...i explained how I had my first outbreak and was hospitalised for a week as I was in a lot of pain and couldn't go to the toilet, but now I very rarely get outbreaks as I am on anti viral meds. I said all of this without actually giving it a name until the very end of out 15 minute struggle of a conversation...

All through this, he looked me in the eye, he touched my leg in a caring way and was very understanding, I then showed him several pages on this sight as I find this is the most informal and supportive site I have came accross...I hurriedly got up and went around 'tidying' to give him breathing space to read for 5 mins....

When I came back he didn't seem too phased, I asked what he though, he turned to me and said, It doesn't change anything, its not a big deal, I want to be with you regardless. He then proceeded to tell me that he actually 'shit' himself as he thought I was telling him that I had something deadly serious like HIV or something..I guess I kind of stuttered over my words and didn't do it in the best manner or way but at least I got there in the end! He was very relieved to discover that it was nothing major and he had no issues with me or our new relationship...if anything I think it makes it easier for us to be openly honest about anything with each other - which can only be a good thing!?

He repeated this again - This does not effect anything or the way I feel about you, it may change a slight dynamic in which we will (eventually) have sex but I am still the same person... I felt elated, truly happy that he didn't run away or feel the need to make me feel worse (like the terrible stigma seems to do).

He stayed the night and didn't act any differently towards me at all, if anything he actually spoke more to me and told me that he sees us in a proper relationship.....watch this space!

For all of you that are having 'The Talk' for the first time like I did....The best thing is to get it over and done with (provided you feel this person is worthy of your trust) and do NOT have any intimacy beforehand - thats not fair on the person to not have the choice.

The risk of transmission from a female to male who takes viral meds and practices safe sex is low to the point of only 1 in 100 men (1%).

Find the courage and please go on the chat forums...they help and give you that support and confidence to be yourself and take that leap of faith...

Who knows....It could be you attaching a positive outcome to this successful post!

STAY STRONG AND POSITIVE!!!!

XXX

[JBnATL]

Congratulations, I knew you could do it!

However I would advice people to do it a little differently. You started out by asking him a serious question about if he could keep a secret, that I think raised a red flag in him and let him later to believe you were going to tell him it was HIV.

I go straight to the casual question "Have you ever had a cold sore" and go from there.

Anyway congratulations and I hope it goes well for you.

JB

[jsling]

what a story

congratulations babe hope everything stays well into the future for you guys:D