Jump to content
World's Largest Herpes Support Group
Sign in to follow this  
Dilemma

Keeping the boxers on

Recommended Posts

Dilemma

What are the risks of giving genital herpes if I'm a man, have no outbreak, wear a condom, no oral sex and I keep my boxers on to not leave any part skin bare ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Margaux

Dilemma, Are you in a committed relationship right now?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dilemma

Yes I am. For 8 months now. Though I'm not really sure why it matters. The risks are the same if you're having sex with someone you know or someone you don't know ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Margaux

Well, the reason I asked is because you still want to enjoy sex. If you have to cover up everything it changes it. I know you don't want to pass the virus along. I am married to a man for 14 years who is hsv1 and 2 positive and I did not contract it until now. I would not have traded our lovemaking over the years for anything-even not having the virus. See how your partner feels about it all.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Margaux

Please know I am not saying condoms and antivirals, no sex during outbreaks etc should be ignored. I just meant the extra clothing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MsLucy

The risks under the conditions you mentioned would be about the same as the enjoyment... zero. Honestly, honey, could we be taking the paranoia just a tad too far?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
DiGiacomo

Theoretically sounds like a good idea since my reading so far led me to that the risk area is the entire area covered by the boxers. I wonder like you if pratically works.

What you or your partner would feel about it I think it's your own business. Probably some people woudn't like the idea, others wouldn't mind, others would even love it. People are different and if you and your partner are ok with it then that's all that matters.

I, particularly wouldn't mind at all. I don't see how the guy I'm with it wearing boxers would be so bad that would be zero pleasure. Quite the opposite since what matters would be out of the boxers hehehehe but that just me and like I said before people are different.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Doc Holiday

Don't even have to disclose and if she ask just play the song and say it's a playa thang!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dilemma

So you guys think the risk is almost zero and that it means I would not have to disclose it if she's ok with me wearing boxers and condoms ?

Doesn't it sounds ideal ?

I actually like having sex with boxers, don't ask me why lol.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MsLucy

No, that doesn't mean you don't have to disclose. It doesn't mean that at all. Besides... don't you think she's going to wonder why you won't get naked, and she can't give you oral? I've been with a lot of guys in my lifetime, and I never met even one who didn't LOVE oral sex. Trust me, she's going to wonder what's going on.

If you're in a committed relationship, as you said, not to tell her is a huge mistake. If the relationship continues, eventually, some way, somehow, she's bound to find out. If she finds out by accident, be prepared for her to walk out, not because you have herpes, but because you betrayed her trust.

She deserves your honesty. Tell her.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Doc Holiday
Besides... don't you think she's going to wonder why you won't get naked

Plenty of people both have and enjoy sex with boxers, t-shirt's, stockings, panties socks and shoes/boots, sunglasses, chains/jewelry, and hats on. It's even a fetish in most cases. Don't you watch porn?

and she can't give you oral?

How you figure that? You just stick your lil' man out of the boxer hole and there she goes. :rolleyes:

I've been with a lot of guys in my lifetime

For a woman with experience you sure don't know nothing about having sex with cloths on, being partially clothed while having sex, fetishes, the hole in front part of boxers, etc.

On topic

Dilemma just leave the boxers on wear a condom and don't do it when experiencing an outbreak and there you have it, free suppressive therapy. As long as your area of infection is, which 99% of the time for men, is the area in which both the condom and boxers cover up. No need to risk rejection by disclosing when you can prevent spreading by theoretical thinking. If she ask just tell her it's apart of your swag, like when male porn stars wear shoes, hats, jewelry, and sunglasses when they have sex. She'll be to busy enjoying your stroke than to think about why your wearing boxers. ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
DiGiacomo

I think you should tell her, but that's just my opinion, the decision of tell or not tell her is yours. By not telling her you are certainly putting the future of your relationship at risk.

If you planning to stay with this girl for a long time one day she'll want a answer about why you wear boxers everytime you have sex.

I wouldn't mind at all if my guy wanted to wear his boxers cause I know his condition but if I didn't know I would think that wearing boxers everytime we have sex is weird or there is something going.

But the boxers idea I don't think it's a bad idea at all. Yesterday I read another post in this forum where the guy said he always have the boxers on when having sex with his girlfriend and they are very happy about it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dilemma

Without pointing fingers, there's one general feeling I get from people in this forum.

That is, a lot of guilt.

One thing I learned in life is that people don't always wanna know. And telling something to someone before they even ask is imposing yourself on that person. Also, if someone doesn't ask, that person is as responsible for not asking as a general rule.

So in my opinion, the reason most people here are dogmatic about telling is they feel so much guilt about it that they want to confront the person and make it or break it. Then if the person is turned off by it, you guys will say that this person didn't love you enough and that is probably not worth it. But think about it and try figuring out if you wanna say it for you or for the other person. If you're answer is along those lines :

I've been infected by someone who didn't tell me and I don't want to inflict this pain to anybody else.

I wouldn't want to blame myself all my life for transmitting this to him/her.

... then you're doing it for yourself.

What you are trying to do is to transfer the problem to someone else by saying, look I have this thing called herpes and now YOU have to make a choice. YOU either let your fear hurt our relationship and leave me or you accept the consequences of having sex with me. THIS is really what you're offering. A loose-loose scenario.

A good exemple of that would be one of my best friend (a girl) who came to me one day and told me that her boyfriend just announced her that he cheated on her..... 1 year before ! He said he didn't want to tell her cause it didn't matter, it was just a one time thing but now that it was getting serious he had to tell her. He also told her that he would understand and respect her choice if she wanted to break up.

Now my friend was left with the worst dilemma ever. She loved the guy cause he was great. But now she had the choice of breaking up, which she didn't want to do OR look stupid and just accept without saying anything. She told me she really would have prefered never know cause it happened a year ago and was not threatening the relationship at all, they were super happy.

The reason I'm asking about the risks is that I wanna find the best solutions for me and my girl. And if I can save her from worrying every day if she's gonna get infected or not, worrying about what will happen to her if it doesn't work out with me and that she has herpes and now have to tell her next partner, save her from fear of possible future rejection, then I will do my best for her, not for me.

By the way, I want to mention that I would have no problem telling her and that would actually be much more simple cause I know she will stay with me anyway.

So what I thought of doing to justify me wearing boxers is to tell her that :

I had many sexual partners in the past and my doctor told me that some STDs like HPV are not even detectable cause there's no test for guys. And as much I love having sex with her, I wanna make sure I won't transmit her something. Then in a few years, when we buy a house and we're thinking of having kids, we'll reconsider it. But for now I feel better doing this. So instead of doing the ''No sex until marriage'' we'll do the ''Boxers until marriage'' :)

Then ask her if she's ok with that.

In short, I know she's gonna stay with me anyway so I have the choice of telling her and risking stress and infection for her OR find a way to reduce risk to almost zero and keep her away from all those bad emotions that you guys are feeling.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MsLucy
Plenty of people both have and enjoy sex with boxers, t-shirt's, stockings, panties socks and shoes/boots, sunglasses, chains/jewelry, and hats on. It's even a fetish in most cases. Don't you watch porn?

How you figure that? You just stick your lil' man out of the boxer hole and there she goes. :rolleyes:

For a woman with experience you sure don't know nothing about having sex with cloths on, being partially clothed while having sex, fetishes, the hole in front part of boxers, etc.

Actually, no, I don't watch porn. Not that I never have, but it's mostly just stupid.

As for 'no oral sex', that was something Dilemma stated himself in his original post.

Yes, I have experience... probably way more than you (since I'm most likely considerably older). And no... 'swag' doesn't do it for me. "Swag" is just a smoke screen to hide one's short-comings behind. There's not a woman with a working brain who can't see through it. I'll take honesty every time... good old naked honesty. It's been my experience that, if you got to hide it, there must be a reason. :gigglegiggle:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MsLucy

Dilemma... re your post #14... It boggles the mind. You'll do what you want, though, for all the selfish reasons you can fabricate in your own mind. What you're really doing though, is taking her right to choose away. It's trickery of the worst sort.

All I can say is... wait a couple years til you buy a house and are considering kids, and then tell her. Yeah, you do that. But you'd better lock up the guns, and have your suitcase packed and your running shoes on when you do, cause it ain't gonna be pretty.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dilemma

MsLucy, if you don't have any arguments behind your own opinion there's not much we can discuss.

You just go on and tell me I'm selfish and that she'll shoot me someday. If you want to have any credibility, please develop why you think this way.

This is not a hater forum, this is a compassion forum I'm sure, so explain to me why you feel that way about what I stated to be my opinion instead of insulting me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MsLucy

I don't hate you, and I'm not trying to insult you. I'm trying to make you see this from her point of view... a woman's point of view. For a woman, the absolute worst offense a man can commit is betrayal... physical or emotional.

Okay, so chances are excellent that even if you didn't tell her you have herpes, you wouldn't pass it on to her with the precautions you proposed. But what if the unthinkable happened, and one of the little buggers jumped the fence? There are no absolutes in life... it could happen. Then what do say? I didn't think you needed to know? I didn't want to worry you? Nothing you can say will make it 'okay', because your worst offense will be, not the herpes, but that you lied to her by ommission. You took her right to choose away. For that, there is no easy fix.

If you don't pass it on... how are you going to tell her years from now that you've had it all this time, but didn't think it she needed to know? And if you're going to have kids, you'll have to tell her so she can be tested prior to delivery. In her mind it will be the same thing... lies by ommission, negating her right to make her own decision. Whether she caught it or not won't be the issue. Your deception will be.

I'm talking about a loss of trust here, a loss of faith... not a case of herpes. You may not see not telling her as a betrayal, but she will. Trust me. I'm a woman. I know a lot of women. We don't see things the way men see them. For us, it's all about honesty, the ability to trust. Those issues are inextricably tied to love. If you destroy one, the whole thing collapses.

Like I said, you'll do what you want to do, but from a woman's point of view, you're heading for a fall. You say you know she'll stay with you regardless. A relationship built on deception has little chance for survival. Why not just tell her now?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dilemma

Now we're getting somewhere. Your tones is now a discussion tone.

You make 3 assumptions here.

1) Because you're a women, you know how all the women feels and think. And that a guy can't understand a women as much as an other women. I don't agree but this is not a major point in the discussion.

2) Second assumption here is that I will have to tell her one day that I lied. If that was true, then you'd be right. But it isn't necessarily the case. The usual STD exam when you go to the doctor doesn't include herpes. So I could have done the responsible thing and go for a test every year and still not knowing. I have no visible signs that I have it. So if one day I want to remover the boxers for any reason, I'll go again and ask the doctor if there's more test we can do cause we want to have children and I wanna make sure the test covers everything. Then the doctor will tell me I have herpes and I'll tell her. I will never tell her I lied cause there's no reason to tell her that. I will simply tell her when it's necessary.

3) You also assume that she has more chance of getting it with me wearing boxers than any other solutions.

There's 3 possibilities here :

A) I don't tell her, I wear boxers, and I know I'm clean for other STDs : She has very low chances of getting herpes

B) I tell her and she stays : that would means she accept the risks and she risk every day to get herpes. Higher risk for her

C) She break up with me and eventually have sex with someone else, or, maybe a few other people : She has then pretty high chances to get anything. I come from Montreal and here, there's much more STDs than more conservative places. Here people are much less judged when they sleep around and more likely to get something, knowing or not knowing they have it. 70% of people don't know they have herpes. 20% of people have it and 20% of peoples have HPV, some have other stuff. So 80% of sleeping with someone herpes free and 80% HPV free makes 64% chances that the next guy will be herpes and HPV free. 3 sexual partners and the chances of sleeping with someone who is 100% STD clean is going down the toilet.... (roughly 26% chances and that doesn't include all the other STDs)

The way I see this is that sleeping with me with my boxers is the lowest risk for her to get something if she is sexually active unless she becomes a none. Then if I act like I don't know I have it and tell her when she has to know after a last STD complete test when needed, then she will still be able to make her decision at that point without her being more at risk than if I would have told her before.

If you see an angle that I haven't seen yet. Please tell me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MsLucy

I understand your rationalizations. My point is that, every scenario you describe involves deception. No one likes to be deceived, by anyone, for any reason, but especially by someone you thought you could trust to be honest.

You're assuming that everything plays out the way you have it figured in your head. You're pretty sure you have all your bases covered. It's been my experience that life hardly ever turns out the way we planned, and if there's any way for things to get screwed up, they will.

Be careful with the lies you tell (and any form of deception is a lie). No matter how well intentioned your reasons may be, they have a way of turning around and biting you in the ass. But good luck to you. I can tell your mind is made up. I hope it's a decision you don't both regret in the future.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dilemma

Thanks MsLucy. My mind was not made up to the contrary and that's why I wanted to debate the idea here. In the end, I see it comes down to a moral stand point about beliefs. I'll give it some more thoughts and see what I do. I don't exclude the idea of telling her strait up that I have herpes. I would have like to have more opinions and discussion about this but I guess everything was said.

Thanks again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dilemma

anyone else have something to contribute ?

What do you think about not telling her if I make sure the risk is minimum ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
lost99

Look, minimizing the risk is a great thing dilemma. The problem here is that you don't seem to think its a big deal whether or not she knows. You seem to want it to be on your own terms. You were asked if this was a serious / committed relationship, and your response was yes. By the things you have said in this thread I would take a good hard look at whether it truely is or not. If your answer is still yes, then how can you come to any other conclusion, be open honest and tell her. I've heard you talk circles to rationalize your forseen outcome. Look man I'm a guy and even I can see your thought process is screwed on this one.

I know you came asking about the risk of your method so let me say this,

The condom does not roll completely up and when you guys are going hard at it the boxers will get moved around and there's gonna be skin contact. Sure it may reduce chances but its not going to be one hundred percent by any means. And concocting a bunch of jibber jabber about why you wanna keep them on or past sex partners, well its just nonsense. Relationships need a solid foundation to be built on. Lying to her is bad. But nowhere near as bad as lying to yourself. Now granted I don't know you and I may be off base here, but come to terms with this and save yourself man. God bless you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
thiswillnotdfineme

Wow.. I can't believe this discussion has even had to come this far.

I can't believe you would even consider not telling someone- especially someone you care about.

I don't think it should be out of guilt that you tell her. It should be so she doesn't get screwed for life.

(Okay some people who are reading this, I know there are treatments for herpes. You get my point don't you?)

Wouldn't you have wanted the chance to know? The chance to decide?

I don't think its fair for you to compare this situation to your friends cheating boyfriend. Sure she would have liked to stay in the dark on that one. But do you think once your girlfriend is having an outbreak a year later she's going to say "Oh I wish you never told me." I don't think so. Now she is going to leave you and most likely blame you for giving it to her. I'm almost positive she would have liked to know a year beforehand to either

a. decide maybe she doesn't love you enough to risk it or

b. decide she does love you enough to risk it and also take the precautionary efforts she sees fit.

No matter what argument you put up Dilemma, not disclosing is always always always wrong. Period.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
thiswillnotdfineme

And another thing.. If you know how low the transmission rate is if herpes is treated and precautions are taken, why wouldn't you tell? After this long of being with you, I'm assuming she loves you enough to take a 1-2% risk.

But what I'm saying is, give her the option.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

Advertisement

Try a Lysine supplement for cold sores

  • The Hive is Thriving!

    • Total Topics
      68,563
    • Total Posts
      458,072
  • Posts

    • WilsoInAus
      You’re on the right track for sure. Did you get a swab of the lesions? Have you had an IgG blood retest for HSV?
    • amsb88
      I would like to hear from those who have genital hsv 1... I’m thinking that I have type 1 because the guy I believe gave it to me had cold sores.. or is this assumption wrong? What’s the chances of having type 2 from his cold sores? 
    • Tone123
      https://www.technologyreview.com/s/609722/crispr-in-2018-coming-to-a-human-near-you/
    • Trace67
      LOL...............what a crock of shit! Lets get some of Rich Mancuscos magic minerals and some crystals to go with it.
    • smilingagain
      I am very sorry that you are feeling the way you do at this time.  I went through the full range of feelings and emotions you describe for more than 10X as long as you have (that's right over 30 years) .  I have no idea if what I am going to tell you will be of benefit but I have no doubt what soever that HSV2 has been eliminated from my life.    This happened several months ago.  How?  Through SCALAR ENERGY.  It is still hard for me believe at times that I am now free of it, but it's true. If you want to know more you should go to the website and read it all.  creativestrength.us  I have absolutely no connection to the good people at this site other than I am now totally well from the treatment (not expensive) and am telling my story in the hopes that the same will happen to them. 
×

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.