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ariel0285

telling someone

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ariel0285

So i was recently diagnosed with herpes this summer because my boyfriend had been cheating on me. I lost my virginity to him and I trusted him and it all just really sucked. Now i'm back in the dating pool and it's been 6 months and i finally found a guy that had his shit together. He was going to medical school to become a doctor, he was taking me out to nice places, and treating me right. And then last night after dinner and a few drinks we go back to his apartment, and he puts a movie on and then starts trying to make out with him. And i keep pushing him away and he's like what is it, why are you being so shy. And then I told him what I had and he's like damn that sucks, I feel sorry for you, we can still be friends but i'm not ready for that right now. I haven't heard from him since and I don't blame him....I'd probably be the same way ...I knew I shouldn't have gotten attached ...that was the first time i had to tell someone and it's just really hard and it hurts. Sometimes I just feel so worthless and I'm going to end up alone for the rest of my life.

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Ransom

Ariel, I'm new to all this too. I've done a lot of thinking about this recently. I am dating someone and she knows about my condition - mostly because my knowledge of it came about as a direct result of starting to date her and simply getting checked. However, this relationship is young and I wonder how I will address it if I had to head out into the dating pool.

For myself I think I am planning to come up with some rules for myself about how to communicate about this. These are just off the top of my head so I'd like to see what plans/strategies others have had.

1. stay positive, keep perspective - it seems to me that herpes is a lame reason to avoid a relationship with someone IF EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT IT. No valuable suitor is going to reject you because of herpes. Apply that to your pre-med man.

2. don't wait to say something until things are hot 'n heavy

3. If someone is valuable to you, be very deliberate about setting up a conversation with them. Have the not-so-bad-news ready along with the bad news. Like, "Yes, I have herpes but it is not difficult to manage and it is really unlikely you'll be negatively effected."

I have more I just can't think of them right now. Hopefully others can chime in with their icebreakers and how successful they've been. But 2 & 3 are important in your situation maybe? The type of reaction you had to pre-med guy likely influenced the way he sees herpes - you were scared, self-conscious, etc. His reaction is going to be that he is scared to be involved. His reaction impacts your view of yourself. Now you're in a cycle.

I don't have a lot of experience but maybe it is a cycle you can choose to get out of. Be deliberate, demonstrate that you're not scared, that you're in control, have facts handy. Someone that genuinely cares about you won't be scared then. At least, that's what I'm hoping if I have to hit the playing field again.

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RLJ

You sond like a verry nice, sweet, and loving prson. I have no doubt you will find someone who loves you and dosent let heres get in the way. I mean you sound like somone I would like to date. Its verry hard to find someone with qualitys to be honest trust, worthy and not a cheeter thes days.

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MissHope
Ariel, I'm new to all this too. I've done a lot of thinking about this recently. I am dating someone and she knows about my condition - mostly because my knowledge of it came about as a direct result of starting to date her and simply getting checked. However, this relationship is young and I wonder how I will address it if I had to head out into the dating pool.

For myself I think I am planning to come up with some rules for myself about how to communicate about this. These are just off the top of my head so I'd like to see what plans/strategies others have had.

1. stay positive, keep perspective - it seems to me that herpes is a lame reason to avoid a relationship with someone IF EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT IT. No valuable suitor is going to reject you because of herpes. Apply that to your pre-med man.

2. don't wait to say something until things are hot 'n heavy

3. If someone is valuable to you, be very deliberate about setting up a conversation with them. Have the not-so-bad-news ready along with the bad news. Like, "Yes, I have herpes but it is not difficult to manage and it is really unlikely you'll be negatively effected."

I have more I just can't think of them right now. Hopefully others can chime in with their icebreakers and how successful they've been. But 2 & 3 are important in your situation maybe? The type of reaction you had to pre-med guy likely influenced the way he sees herpes - you were scared, self-conscious, etc. His reaction is going to be that he is scared to be involved. His reaction impacts your view of yourself. Now you're in a cycle.

I don't have a lot of experience but maybe it is a cycle you can choose to get out of. Be deliberate, demonstrate that you're not scared, that you're in control, have facts handy. Someone that genuinely cares about you won't be scared then. At least, that's what I'm hoping if I have to hit the playing field again.

This is a GREAT way to tell.... thanks to Random for sharing. Hopefully we can keep this thread active as it is really very good advice.

I've only had to tell romantic interests three times - and I got better each time. The first time I was a raving mess - upset, scared and anxious and that went down like a bag of shit. The guy freaked as not only did he take his cues from me, but it also came out that he only wanted something "casual" and we all know herpes is a bit of a passion killer!

The next guy I was a bit calmer, but I'd known him for years so it wasn't too bad. Still, I was incredibly nervous.

The third guy (and now my partner) I did it very matter of factly. It helped that we'd also been to a party that night where a a guest had a huge coldsore on her lip and not only did she laugh it off when she arrived, but a few people commented. When my man and I got home, I sat him down and just mentioned her. I said to him, you know lady that had the coldsores? Well I have them too, but mine are just down there..... and he totally got it and understood.

We were very frank in our discussions and I encouraged him to go away and do his research and there would be no hard feelings if he felt he couldn't handle it. Ten months on, he's still here and he's moving in this week!

So I agree, it is all in the delivery and having information to hand. Read up and know the stats and that should help.

There was also a great post on here a while back on a great way to tell.... I'll try and dig it up and post the link for you.

But hey, chin up - everyone has to have a first time with telling. Unfortunately you have to kiss a few frogs to find the prince/princess. You will also learn to read people better - sadly with your chap being a med student he should've known better and been more understanding. But really, it is his loss. In his career, I'm sure he'll meet many people with the virus and he'll kick himself for being so narrow minded.

The best revenge is to live a good life - so do that, don't let him pull you down!

Take care.

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ariel0285

I was an absolute mess when i told him...i kept crying and i felt humilated and embarassed...i don't know if i can be positive telling someone i have that, i feel like i will just break down....and i know they look at me and think im damaged goods, or a walking std and it sucks.

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ariel0285

Thanks these two articles were really great ...i only hope that i will get a reaction like that one day....and be smart enough to not just settle for anyone because they're the first to accept the fact that i have herpes...because it should be more than that

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MissHope
I was an absolute mess when i told him...i kept crying and i felt humilated and embarassed...i don't know if i can be positive telling someone i have that, i feel like i will just break down....and i know they look at me and think im damaged goods, or a walking std and it sucks.

Don't fool yourself into thinking that you know that people will think you are damaged goods or a walking STD! Believe or not, there are people out there that are educated about herpes - or in fact have it themselves!

Unfortunately your first was with a med student - someone we would all assume would be better at accepting the news gracefully and for that I'm sorry. But don't think everyone out there is like that....

I;m not sure if you have friends that you have confided in - I had a girlfriend that talked me through things and role played with me and as silly as it was, it really helped.

If you have time, BrainyBlonde has posted some cracking posts on this topic and has had shared some great tips and ways to tell.... you should try and do a search as she is very thorough and wise....

Chin up - you are better than this and you will get better at telling.

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foregoneconclusions

when I found out I had h i was dating a premed guy. We broke up because I had to tell him I had it and I was really down. I think, though, premed or med guys see the worst of h and are more scared of it than most people. you can be honest with someone about h, preferable before the hot and heaviness, and let him know the downfalls and the ways you can manage it. I mean, so many people have h that if you have it and are aware of it and know how to manage it, your partner is less likely to get it because you know! Most people who have it don't even know, and that is often how it is spread.

Hang in there. It will get better!

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Cozy Lady

It is true.... if you know you have it then you are better able to protect people from contracting it..

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Discombobulated

This is what I have been scared about too. Herpes, as far as viruses go, is pretty tame (except for the outbreaks). But the stigma attached to it is terrible. Now, having to deal with telling someone you care about has been wracking my brain. I really want to fall in love again; however, I am now afraid because of this conversation.

My diagnosis came as a shock because I had PROTECTED sex!

Myself I am still learning about it. But Ransom's post helped me. I am saving it to my archives.

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ladymagee26

I understand how u feel...i was diagnosed jan 5 of this year and felt like my whole world had caved in on me. I haven't told my friends or family...it is a battle every day to not want to kill myself....the only person who knows besides the person who gave it to me is my current boyfriend. We use protection and don't have sex if i'm having an out break ...even with him there at times i just get depressed and shut down for a few days...but i'm praying for u....

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Ronda

You know, having Herpes really weeds out jerks from really good guys. If a guy is willing to sacrifice himself and risk whatever it takes to love you, you know he's for real (and not just trying to get in your pants) and he truely loves you and can make a comittment. Thats serious love. A lot of people don't have that kind of test and then spend many months or years wasted on guys that are just not worth it in the end. Guys that are just looking at whats in it for them or shallow or can't commit-yuck they are worse than herpes lol. You'll find someone and chances are its gonna be the right guy because he'll love you so much that he won't let a stupid little thing like herpes get between you.

BTW. I'd wait a while before telling your guy like a few months. Let him really get to know you, how great you are, bonding time, then if you tell him later and he rejects you then it wasn't meant to be/he wasn't good enough. It happens to all of us even without herpes. Once you find the right one, he won't let you go. Stay strong, love is out there :)

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