Married 28 years, new diagnosis!!!

[fusion]

I have been married 28 yrs. so imagine my shock when I was diagnosed w/ genital herpes 3 days ago!! It started as a little sore that my doctor thought was maybe a blocked gland since I also had swollen lymph nodes. She gave me an antibiotic but 3 days later it was much worse. Sooo sore and swollen! Now she says it's herpes! My husband and I have both been faithful in our marriage so we were both very confused. Doctor said since I get cold sores my husband probably has the virus too even though he has no symptoms. She thinks I got genital herpes from oral sex! I'm so stupid I didn't even know this was possible! We raised 2 children who are now living on there own. An empty nest was awful at first but then we realized that we could be a "couple" again. Eat out, go for motorcycle rides, and yes, have sex whenever we wanted to. We discovered over the past year that we are still very much in love and still enjoy spending time together...now this!! I know i'm rambling but i'm just so emotional about all of this. Physically it's been so painful that i've missed 3 days of work since it's too painful to sit down. Emotionally, I'm just a mess! Not sure what i'm hoping to get out of posting this but right now I feel very alone

[elmerette]

Fusion,

You are not alone! It never occurred to me that you could get genital herpes from oral herpes. The virus can also lay dormant for years, it is a tricky little virus. The emotional mess will pass, it did for me. It will for you too. This virus does not change who you and your husband are and how you feel. Once you make two posts, go into live chat. There you will meet bunches of people who have been and are where you are at. Hope this helps.

[fusion]

Elmerette, thank you for your kind words. I am kind of in shock over all of this right now but trying to gather as much information as I can. Looking for any and all advice on what I can do to prevent future outbreaks. My husband has been my gentle, loving rock these past few days, so thank you for reminding me that this will not change the way we feel about each other.

[stopngogirl]

I hope your husband is understanding. I to have been married for over 30 yrs. We had a bump in the road and lived apart for a few years we both saw other people and then realized we had to much to loose and got back together. It has been over 10 years and it's been the best 10 years ever. Now I find out I have H . It's been so rough. I don't want to loose my husband over this but I am afraid I will. All I can say is I hope he is understand and our marriage will stay strong. I stay stressed out everytime I have an OB. I hide it and say it's just my hormones making me feel the way I feel. I am not sure what I should or will do. FUSION, keep me informed as to what you are going to do. It might help me decide what to do.

[fusion]

He has been very understanding and supportive. He knows that this is not something I got from straying outside of our marriage. We have been faithful to one another our entire marriage. My concern is that I will give it to him now. I hope that you can follow your heart and make the right decision in telling him. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[stopngogirl]

FUSION, thank you I hope everything works out for you.. I still have alot of soul searching b4 I can get myself to tell him anything. Plus, it has to be the right words. lets keep in touch. thanks

[RealisticGal]

He has been very understanding and supportive. He knows that this is not something I got from straying outside of our marriage. We have been faithful to one another our entire marriage. My concern is that I will give it to him now. I hope that you can follow your heart and make the right decision in telling him. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

I agree with your doctor that it is quite likely he gave it to you via oral sex. If that is the case, he already has it.

So many folks have herpes without knowing it (estimates put it at 70%). Has he been tested yet?

To: Stopngo --- you need to bite the bullet and tell your husband about this. Holding him off with stories of hormones is not truthful, and could eventually backfire. More to the point, you could still spread herpes to him (if he doesn't already have it, which is very possible) when not having an outbreak. So avoiding sex only during OBs is not enough. The best way to tell him is to just be straight with the man. Tell him what happened, how you found out, how upset and scared you are, and how concerned for his sake. Then go from there. Hopefully he will be understanding and learn about it along with you.

[Tiny]

I got genital herpes from oral sex...it happens...more frequently now days apparently.

But I am not sure if I buy your Dr's story:

I say that because, if you get cold sores on your lips you will be most likely to have type one (HSV 1). However if you passed it to your husband, and then he gave you oral sex...it would be incredibly unlikely for you to have then got type 1 on your genitals--because you would have already had antibodies for type 1 and your body would have fought it off before it took hold. In fact most gHSV 1 infections are in people who have never had exposure to cold sores.

Did she take a swab, or just look at it? Because if she just looked at it I'd say you really should get a second opinion...and get it swabbed but more importantly typed. If it is herpes you and your husband probably should both get a Western Blot (blood test) to find out what type you each have. This is not about trying to find blame or who infected who it is about protecting each other in future.

It is possible that either you or your husband could have asymptomatic type 2 (the one usually on the genitals), that is only appearing now. If I were you I would get the blood test to that answer those questions. If you do have type 2 and your husband doesn't then you can at least take suppressive medication to protect him. The suppressive medication will also limit future outbreaks. Typing helps too, because on the off chance it is HSV 1 it is highly unlikely to be recurrent (at this point my dr is reasonably sure I have gHSV1, I had conflicting test results and the nurse told me I had HSV 2 based on the least reliable test because "it is impossible to have recurrent genital HSV 1"...the dr has since told me he wants to do another test to be sure but he is confident that I am in the 5% of people who get recurrent gHSV 1...which proves there is a lot of ignorance in the medical profession!). That means for you if it is HSV 1 a 95% chance of never getting another outbreak!

Sorry, I've probably given you more questions that answers, but knowing exactly what is going on with your body will definitely help you in future

Good luck

[fusion]

Vtiny, thanks for all the information. My doctor did take a swab but I probably won't have any results until this week some time. Is it POSSIBLE for one of us (my husband or I) to have had type 2 all these years and never had an outbreak? We both had other sexual partners but that was almost 30 years ago! Could I have been carrying it all these years?

[RealisticGal]

Vtiny, thanks for all the information. My doctor did take a swab but I probably won't have any results until this week some time. Is it POSSIBLE for one of us (my husband or I) to have had type 2 all these years and never had an outbreak? We both had other sexual partners but that was almost 30 years ago! Could I have been carrying it all these years?

A couple of tips and answers:

• Make sure your doctor instructed the lab to "type" the culture, otherwise they probably won't.
  
• Yes, it is possible to have either type of HSV and not have an outbreak for many years.
  
• Yes, either or both of you might have been carrying HSV all these years.
  
• Despite the fact that the antibodies provided by a previous infection with either strain of HSV do make it less likely to contract another infection (either in a different location or with the other strain), it still does happen. The protection of those antibodies is far from 100%.
  

Here's a little article that might make some things more clear for you. Be sure to read the section at the end --- "How Easily Spread?"

"Good" Virus/"Bad" Virus

[Tiny]

My current dr, who is a an STD specialist (and a fellow herpes suffering) says leave the science to the experts!

The fact is that at this point there are a lot of maybes...and you just don't know. You can break your brain thinking "what if" or "maybe this", personally I'd believe a dormant infection over infection with a strain one already has (but that is based in absolutely no scientific reason other than if it was that easy to reinfect yourself we would all have herpes in every single orifice...kids who have it don't exactly wash their hands as much as they should). My understanding of what I have read and limited scientific background is that most cross infections in multiple locations happen during the first year of infection when a person has yet to build up sufficient antibodies in their blood. But as I have learnt in my experience dealing with various medical professionals over 9 years of having it not even drs know everything about this virus--it does do strange things and nothing it impossible!

When you have your test results then start trying to build scenarios to explain it--if you have to. But honestly until then its all just stories and maybes and really not worth losing sleep over. It may not even be herpes!

In fact, my wish for today: that you get your results back and your dr is totally wrong and it isn't herpes at all.

[camomile]

I really dunno.

In the back of my mind, if this had happened to me, I would probably ask myself "if" my long-term other half, spouse etc have been "tempted" to see someone else (possibly younger) just for once, in his older age. (and maybe vice versa..)

Probably, I would think about it as a possibility, rather than casting a false blame or blame. I would not be passing any judgment to my own long-term partner if this had happened but I'd explore what actually happened and we both need to be honest. xx

[fusion]

This was actually one of the first articles that I read after my dr. appt. It gave lots of info. But there is sooo much info on the net, some of it conflicting, that it's hard to know what is right. Thank you for taking the time to try to help me. I have so many questions and i'm not sure who to ask.

[fusion]

sorry, last post was for RealisticGal

[RealisticGal]

This was actually one of the first articles that I read after my dr. appt. It gave lots of info. But there is sooo much info on the net, some of it conflicting, that it's hard to know what is right. Thank you for taking the time to try to help me. I have so many questions and i'm not sure who to ask.

You do have to try to find a way to sift through all the conflicting info and get to the most likely truth. Luckily you found this site. While there are a few small points I find a bit "off," I would say that for the most part it is good info. I also put a lot of faith in the info from Terri Warren's Westover Heights Clinic site, as well as herpesdiagnosis.com

There's no way in the world I would "leave the science up to the experts" if that means your everyday doc. I believe in being my own patient advocate, which has served me well. I've worked closely with enough docs to know they are often less than knowledgeable about a lot of things, and HSV is high on that list. The problem is, many of them do not wish to admit when they don't know much about a subject, and certainly not when they are wrong.

Big egos are a dime a dozen amongst M.D.s. (JMPE)

[Tiny]

I have also dealt with lots of GPs and nurses and received loads of conflicting advice. from "you have to have HSV 2 because HSV 1 is never recurrent genitally" to "taking valtrex means you will never pass on herpes"--which are both ridiculously untrue. Realistigal is right you did need to inform yourself and be your own advocate. I am a little sympathetic to the medical profession though, I don't always believe ignorance is driven by ego--maybe just compounded by it. A general practitioner deals with everything from psychological issues to fungal infections...every single thing has a list of standard presentations and symptoms (and then the unstandard presentations!). These are humans not computers we are talking about, and unless they have a vested interest or specialisation in a specific complaint (like you do) they are probably only going to know the basics. The internet is a great tool but can be overwhelming and depressing (particularly when you don’t know exactly what you are dealing with) and you have to remember there is no content control so it is very hard to know the truth. Take what you find with a pinch of salt and basically use it where you can to challenge your dr and their diagnosis if you feel comfortable doing that.

Sadly the reality seems that most of the time we have to make our own answers--which is I suppose why realistigal find some points a "bit off"...people make sense of things in different ways and none of us have access to the definitive truth. Lots of people who have herpes have to deal with an increased level of paranoia as it is...you need to be careful about seeing every rare complication or tiny probablity as applying to you--for most people a life with herpes is "typical" (i say this as one of the atypical ones...99% diagnosed as being in the 5% with recurrent gHSV1...I believe this site for obvious reasons probably represents more atypical than typical herpes positive people.)

When I say leave the science up to the experts I am talking about testing and getting a proper diagnosis as a result. I only offered this advice based on my recent experience which involved conflicting test results and a nurse who clearly desired a profession in fiction writing . It didn’t help me and caused a lot of undue depression and relationship issues. When all I needed was more tests in order to get a proper answer.

Knowing what you have is the first step in your journey…and you have to take the first step before you even consider the 20th.

You are doing the right thing though seeking and asking for help, it will help you cope and make you feel stonger through the uncertainty. There are no definites until you have all the results and know exactly what is happening to you, then you can start making peace with it and moving forward in your life.

All this uncertainty is temporary.

Good luck.

[Denise 07]

I was shocked when I found out that I have ghsv-1 November, 2009. I'm married and have two children and have been married for 14 yrs and dated 6 yrs to him before getting married. I had other sexual partner's but my husband has not. I thought at first that he had cheated on me but when I got home after going to the emergency room because I thought I had cancer but it turned out to be swollen lymph nodes and the blisters on the vagina popped up so I didn't know what the hell was wrong with me. The doctor said he believes it is genital herpes I was like what no way. So after crying forever I went home and told him what the doctor thought it was. I didn't get the official diagnosis until 10 days later because they swabbed it than my husband and I got blood tests. Anyway, he told me he never cheated and that I'm the only woman he has ever been sexual with. He has kissed girlfriends that he had in jr high but that was all the further it went. Anyway, in my case it layed dormant and we assume my husband has it orally but he doesn't recall ever getting cold sores. We assume since mine came back ghsv-1 I got it from oral sex. Anyway, your not alone and this has been happening alot with married couples because so many people have the virus without showing any symptoms. Also I get upset when my husband says that it could be from my past because that is why we have this stigma with herpes. People think that you have to sleep around in order to get this. He thinks that I gave it to him but I'm the one that had the outbreak. It bother's me but I try to just move ahead and not really think about it. He has to and we still do everything in the bedroom as we have always done. Good Luck and I hope that it turns out to be something else and not herpes.

[fusion]

Denise, Thanks for sharing! I have not heard from many people on here who had an ob after being in a long term(by long term I mean LONG term, 20 yrs or more)relationship. I can totally understand your initial shock, I am still waiting for my test results and still hoping that it is something else. I'm pretty sure it isn't. My symptoms sound alot like yours. Swollen lymph nodes and then the blisters. My husband and I have had several discussions and I am positive now just like I was before all this started that he has been faithful to me(as I have to him). We aren't perfect, (we sometimes fight) but we're not cheaters either. I had one person tell me that I should doubt my husband, that maybe just once he was tempted by someone else, maybe someone younger. I almost listened to them too. But a really wonderful woman by the name Elmerette reminded me that I know my husband better than anyone else and I should listen to what my heart tells me. So i'm not letting other people put negative thoughts in my head. If you know that your husband is a good honest man that's all that you need. I'm just trying to come to terms with the fact that WE (my husband and I) will be dealing w/ this for the rest of our lives. He may not be having ob but that doesn't mean it doesn't affect him. As for who gave it to who, well, we've decided it doesn't really matter. We have it and we'll just have to deal with it. Together. Thanks again for sharing your story with me. There really are a lot of kind, caring people in this world of ours.

[camomile]

VTiny

Wow....I'd like to save what you had said there if you wouldn't mind?

Great mind and empathy.

I think this site does have Excellent posters. I agree with RGal as well.

Have a nice day in Oz! xx

[Tiny]

Hey Camomile...I'm glad if something I said resonates and helps you...I like that we are all here to help each other. I spent too long in denial (not the river in Egypt ...I got lots of help here and I hope I can show my appreciation by giving back.

[camomile]

I'm really pleased to find your post with great kindness.

Thank you for being so Fabulous once again.

With Best Regards,

x x x x

[craigh]

I'm "listening " and learning from your comments. I got sick last Thursday. Saw the doc Monday and was told I have H. I told my wife Tuesday morning. Still sick. quite a week. Thanks again for the input.

[skaterprincess]

I too have recently been diagnosed with 1 and 2. I have had cold sores all my life. I have been married and faithful for 18 years and I am confidident of my husband's faithfulness as well. Now thinking back, I think I may have had such minor OB that I attributed to something else. When I got pregnant with our first child I had a terrible OB, but not genital. It was on buttocks, legs. My doctors were stumped. When I was pregnant with our second child I got the rash again. It was milder but I had several flare ups during pregnancy as well as cold sores. Just a year or so ago, I had another rash on my butt. This time I went to the doctor. They did the blood test and it was positive for both 1 and 2. Iwas shocked and very depressed. I immediately thought it was my fault because I had slept with several people before I got married. All these years I thought I had dodged the bullet. Well, it doesn't matter if I brought it to our relationship or he did. One of us did. We are still very much in love. We have a good relationship and I told him right away. He has been very understanding. It doesn't seem to bother him as much as it does me. It's crazy how long this virus can stay undetectable.

[fusion]

skaterprincess, I just wanted a diagnosis! "I" need to know! It definately bothers me more than it does my husband. You're right, it doesn't really matter who brought it to the relationship as long as you trust and love each other. As another very kind person on here said to me "we are here for support not suspicion".

[Joyous Calm]

hi Fusion,

I'm sorry to hear your news. I caught it 10 years ago and am having an episode right now which is why I am on here. You don't say how you got it/who gave it to you. When I found out I had it, it must have made my wife feel guilty because she admitted to infidelity. It's probably best not to open that can of worms with your husband but in the back of your mind your should always be thinking safe sex and condoms. kind of like Ronald Reagan saying "Trust but verify" when dealing with the Russians and all their missiles. There are worse things out there than HSV. take precautions and trust no one.