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oliverj

can't sleep

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oliverj

Hi everyone. It has been a month since I found out my wife has HSV-2. We’ve been married for nearly three years and together for longer than that. Her first outbreak came after a weekend where we had more sex than we normally do…she was experiencing some discomfort, and it kept getting worse. She did some checking on-line and thought it might be herpes. I remember laughing at her, believing that was totally impossible. Turns out it was not totally impossible. I’ll never forget the way her voice sounded as she cried to me on the phone after seeing our doctor. It totally broke my heart. I have never had any symptoms…or if I have they’ve been so mild that I didn’t pay much attention to them. I have had a fair amount of sex with a number of women before hooking up with my wife, but I always wore a condom. I really don’t think she cheated on me, and I am thankful that she believes I haven’t cheated on her, but I’m having a hard time dealing with this. We’ve been together so many times I can’t understand why this wouldn’t have popped up earlier. I’ve always tried to be a good person, but I feel like God has taken a big shit right on my life. Doctor says it really isn’t that big of a deal, but it sure feels like a big deal. It is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep...which I rarely do. I feel closer with my wife in some weird way, but we haven’t had any intimacy since this whole thing blew up. I’m totally not pushing in that direction, but I am starting to wonder if she’s ever going to want to have sex with me again. If someone could tell me that everything will be fine I would appreciate it…even if you have to lie.

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Tiny

This is new, and it has been a shock... so of course you will think about it a lot. The fact that you both trust each other is an excellent place to be at, and over time as your learn to live with it it will definitely lose its power to keep you awake at night. And I am absolutely not lying!

You probably should both go and get typed blood tests so you know what the exact situation is antibody-wise . Remember it is not about assigning blame (which it is sounds like neither of you are the sort of people who would blame) but if it was a latent infection your wife had and you don't have it, then suppressive medication might be a way to stop you getting it as well. Be thankful that if this is a primary infection that you passed to your wife that it didn't happen for the first time when she was pregnant... which could have put the baby at risk... things can always be worse... so take comfort in small mercies.

A virus is a virus, not a punishment frrm god... it can happen to anybody, at any time of their life... good or bad.

I know after getting diagnosed with genital herpes it took me a long time to regain my sexuality. You are the person who knows your wife best so nobody else will ever be able to say for sure what your future will be: but I think caring, sympathy and just giving her the time she needs to regain her confidence sexually are the best steps to that you can take. I know when I first got outbreaks I felt so dirty and disgusted with myself I couldn't believe anybody would want to touch me sexually... but it did get better. During outbreaks just cuddle her (if she will let you) and let her know you are there... physically if not sexually yet.

Sometimes all of us need help sometimes in out relationships... don't be too proud or too confident to explore the possibility of counseling. I am not making assumption about your wife, but to get something like this right after a sexathon, it could create associations... and talking through those sorts of things as well as your fears and possible ways to support each other with somebody impartial might help both of you to heal.

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oliverj

thanks VTiny

Felt good to read your thread this morning. I am feeling a fair amount of guilt and shame about this whole thing... The guilt thing doesn't really make sense, but the shame thing I'm sure comes from the social stigma attached to this disease. I will take your advice about getting tested to see if it is HSV 1 or 2. Stupid question, but does it really matter? I used to think that HSV 1 was the "good herpes" but once it gets into the genital area, I assume they are more or less equally shitty. Anyway, thanks to everyone for all of the posts on this entire site...I'm learing a great deal, but most improtantly it is just nice to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this.

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Tiny
Felt good to read your thread this morning. I will take your advice about getting tested to see if it is HSV 1 or 2. Stupid question, but does it really matter? I used to think that HSV 1 was the "good herpes" but once it gets into the genital area, I assume they are more or less equally shitty.

I'm glad I could help, makes me feel good too to know that something I said helped someone.

It is good to know the type. There is a lot of information around that I am sure you will eventually track down yourself, there is no such thing as impossible when it comes to herpes transmission: but lots and lots of people have antibodies to type 1...if you have 1 and your wife as 2...it will provide some protection...I read 50% but who knows for sure...its still something.

If you have no antibodies for either it will be a very good idea for your wife to take suppressive medication so that you don't also have the added stress being added to your current predicament of you getting symptoms and your wife feeling guilty about "infecting" you.

Once you know the whole picture of who has what, you really can protect each other better...or you may decide it doesn't matter and you are prepared to take the risk...you'll figure that out.

I am not sure how relevant it is to your situation as you said your wife tested positive for HSV 2....but genital HSV 1 apparently does behave slightly differently in most people. Unfortunately not in me :-(...I am 99% diagnosed as having recurrent gHSV1 (its a long story) but I have the misfortune of being in the 5% of people who get it recurrently. Herpes has a site preference HSV 1 in the mouth and HSV 2 in the genitals...both are supposedly less able to transmit and less severe when in their non-preferred site. In my case HSV 1 or HSV 2 it is equally shitty but for others HSV 1 genitally probably wouldn't be as bad.

There is no good or bad herpes...just herpes.

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