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oliverj

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oliverj Newbie

oliverj

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Hi everyone. It has been a month since I found out my wife has HSV-2. We’ve been married for nearly three years and together for longer than that. Her first outbreak came after a weekend where we had more sex than we normally do…she was experiencing some discomfort, and it kept getting worse. She did some checking on-line and thought it might be herpes. I remember laughing at her, believing that was totally impossible. Turns out it was not totally impossible. I’ll never forget the way her voice sounded as she cried to me on the phone after seeing our doctor. It totally broke my heart. I have never had any symptoms…or if I have they’ve been so mild that I didn’t pay much attention to them. I have had a fair amount of sex with a number of women before hooking up with my wife, but I always wore a condom. I really don’t think she cheated on me, and I am thankful that she believes I haven’t cheated on her, but I’m having a hard time dealing with this. We’ve been together so many times I can’t understand why this wouldn’t have popped up earlier. I’ve always tried to be a good person, but I feel like God has taken a big shit right on my life. Doctor says it really isn’t that big of a deal, but it sure feels like a big deal. It is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep...which I rarely do. I feel closer with my wife in some weird way, but we haven’t had any intimacy since this whole thing blew up. I’m totally not pushing in that direction, but I am starting to wonder if she’s ever going to want to have sex with me again. If someone could tell me that everything will be fine I would appreciate it…even if you have to lie.

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Tiny Established Member

Tiny

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This is new, and it has been a shock... so of course you will think about it a lot. The fact that you both trust each other is an excellent place to be at, and over time as your learn to live with it it will definitely lose its power to keep you awake at night. And I am absolutely not lying!

You probably should both go and get typed blood tests so you know what the exact situation is antibody-wise . Remember it is not about assigning blame (which it is sounds like neither of you are the sort of people who would blame) but if it was a latent infection your wife had and you don't have it, then suppressive medication might be a way to stop you getting it as well. Be thankful that if this is a primary infection that you passed to your wife that it didn't happen for the first time when she was pregnant... which could have put the baby at risk... things can always be worse... so take comfort in small mercies.

A virus is a virus, not a punishment frrm god... it can happen to anybody, at any time of their life... good or bad.

I know after getting diagnosed with genital herpes it took me a long time to regain my sexuality. You are the person who knows your wife best so nobody else will ever be able to say for sure what your future will be: but I think caring, sympathy and just giving her the time she needs to regain her confidence sexually are the best steps to that you can take. I know when I first got outbreaks I felt so dirty and disgusted with myself I couldn't believe anybody would want to touch me sexually... but it did get better. During outbreaks just cuddle her (if she will let you) and let her know you are there... physically if not sexually yet.

Sometimes all of us need help sometimes in out relationships... don't be too proud or too confident to explore the possibility of counseling. I am not making assumption about your wife, but to get something like this right after a sexathon, it could create associations... and talking through those sorts of things as well as your fears and possible ways to support each other with somebody impartial might help both of you to heal.

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oliverj Newbie

oliverj

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thanks VTiny

Felt good to read your thread this morning. I am feeling a fair amount of guilt and shame about this whole thing... The guilt thing doesn't really make sense, but the shame thing I'm sure comes from the social stigma attached to this disease. I will take your advice about getting tested to see if it is HSV 1 or 2. Stupid question, but does it really matter? I used to think that HSV 1 was the "good herpes" but once it gets into the genital area, I assume they are more or less equally shitty. Anyway, thanks to everyone for all of the posts on this entire site...I'm learing a great deal, but most improtantly it is just nice to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this.

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Tiny Established Member

Tiny

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Felt good to read your thread this morning. I will take your advice about getting tested to see if it is HSV 1 or 2. Stupid question, but does it really matter? I used to think that HSV 1 was the "good herpes" but once it gets into the genital area, I assume they are more or less equally shitty.

I'm glad I could help, makes me feel good too to know that something I said helped someone.

It is good to know the type. There is a lot of information around that I am sure you will eventually track down yourself, there is no such thing as impossible when it comes to herpes transmission: but lots and lots of people have antibodies to type 1...if you have 1 and your wife as 2...it will provide some protection...I read 50% but who knows for sure...its still something.

If you have no antibodies for either it will be a very good idea for your wife to take suppressive medication so that you don't also have the added stress being added to your current predicament of you getting symptoms and your wife feeling guilty about "infecting" you.

Once you know the whole picture of who has what, you really can protect each other better...or you may decide it doesn't matter and you are prepared to take the risk...you'll figure that out.

I am not sure how relevant it is to your situation as you said your wife tested positive for HSV 2....but genital HSV 1 apparently does behave slightly differently in most people. Unfortunately not in me :-(...I am 99% diagnosed as having recurrent gHSV1 (its a long story) but I have the misfortune of being in the 5% of people who get it recurrently. Herpes has a site preference HSV 1 in the mouth and HSV 2 in the genitals...both are supposedly less able to transmit and less severe when in their non-preferred site. In my case HSV 1 or HSV 2 it is equally shitty but for others HSV 1 genitally probably wouldn't be as bad.

There is no good or bad herpes...just herpes.

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    • sgt98
      What is the usual order of events in initial infection for GHSV?

      By sgt98 · Posted

      Hey @WilsoInAus ok thank you, I will do my best to move on and stop trawling forums haha. 
    • WilsoInAus
      What is the usual order of events in initial infection for GHSV?

      By WilsoInAus · Posted

      Hey @sgt98 but there is no feasible infection or outbreak to suppress and antivirals do not suppress an initial outbreak in any event 
    • sgt98
      What is the usual order of events in initial infection for GHSV?

      By sgt98 · Posted

      Thanks @WilsoInAus I understand apologies for this but the only other thing I am worried about is that I did take a course of Famvir on day 1 as I felt like I was having an outbreak of cold sores and am worried that has suppressed the initial outbreak genitally 
    • WilsoInAus
      What is the usual order of events in initial infection for GHSV?

      By WilsoInAus · Posted

      Hi @sgt98 it is not feasible to obtain a HSV-2 infection from receiving oral sex - only HSV-1 is feasible but you've already got that and immunity from any further infection with HSV-1. You do not need any further tests for HSV. You're feeling regret, try to forgive yourself and calm down, let the rational take over. You know the answer here and it won't be long until you believe it too.
    • WilsoInAus
      Looking for some insight on an atypical experience.

      By WilsoInAus · Posted

      Hi @NerdP423 and welcome to the website. You raise a lot of points and I think the best way to address your concerns is add some comments at each key point. I've copied your note again below and added these comments in square brackets. I appreciate any insight (even speculation) as to what has been going on with me. I'm a 37y/o M. I last was intimate with a new partner on 2/11/2022, and a few days later started having a huge amount of discomfort in my face. [The first thing that happens though is that herpes causes lesions or at least some skin based disruption. Other symptoms are then related to the actions of the immune system responding to the virus. Without lesions, it is highly questionable that the ailment is related to herpes, yet testing is useful if you have concerns as you have done so.] About a month after that [herpes causes issues within days, if the first 'symptoms' are a month later - its extremely unlikely they are related to herpes], significant discomfort downstairs, however every test I have ever taken for HSV 1 and 2 has been negative. Here are the details: Face: Previously, some significant tingling and itching on the right side of my mouth, lips and chin (still there, but milder) [herpes does not cause general tingling and itching, it can cause a reasonably concentrated feeling of itch/throb from which a herpes lesion appears within hours]. Occasional hot flashes near my right eye, cheek and ear [herpes does not do this, it may be a immune response to something, or stress]. Sometimes it will feel like the skin is crawling on the right side of my face [herpes does not cause a general crawling sensation]. Never seen anything that looked like a traditional cold sore [that's extremely telling, even people with associated atypical symptoms will have experienced herpes lesions]. Occasionally, the left side of my face will have a momentary feeling of skin crawling, but it's so mild that I am not really worried about it. Downstairs: Thankfully, most of these are now milder than they were before. Occasional momentary pinch of pain at the base of my genitals. [herpes does not cause a general pinch feeling.] Aching pain in my boxer area (groin, leg folds) [nor this] Occasional feeling of cold in my boxer area, butt, or lower back. ( also in my shins and occasionally even my arms) [nor this] On 4/30/2022, I had been in discomfort for almost two months. I scratched an itch, noticed it hurt, and then checked - I did have an open ulcer down there. Took myself to the ER to get swabbed, came back negative. [If this was a PCR then this will be very conclusive.] Practitioner said it may come back negative because it was already open. However the lab report noted that it definitely didn't look like what you'd expect a typical first herpes outbreak to look like [how would the lab know??]. All blood tests negative so far. I had two western blots, the second one was nine months after exposure. [Two negative Westernblots!!! Many that's real convincing]. All other swabs also negative. I went to urgent care, because I know the timeliness of when the Swab is taken matters. One time, a swab was not done, because practitioner said it was folliculitis and wouldn't swab it (It was at my belt line). [Belt line is highly unlikely to relate to herpes.]   A blood test revealed I had low-ish B12 (technically in range, but at the very low end, especially for a man of my size). I had a series of B12 injections, and I am taking a B12 supplement. I am not taking any lysine or arginine at the moment. I was taking the Arganine to see if I could induce an outbreak. [This is irrelevant, there is no known linkage between herpes outbreaks and arginine/lysine intake - its a myth - and B12 infers nothing.] I think what I am asking is - has anyone here ever repeatedly tested negative over and over again over long period of time, before getting a definitive answer, be a positive test, or something else? [The answer to this is: Extremely few people with a HSV-1 infection and even more rarely HSV-2 test repeatedly negative on Westernblot and actually carry the virus. Of the cases that I know of that had delayed detection by a swab and negative blood tests in the meantime (and that's only 3-4 cases), they had some form of lesions within days of infection but did not obtain a swab for various reasons and then obtained a positive swab of a subsequent lesion with the record being 11 months later. A couple of the cases did have some 'background' symptoms they thought might be related to herpes but that isn't ascertained and some did not have any unusual symptoms at all apart from the lesions. Hence as you did not have lesions around your mouth or lips within days of the last sexual encounter as is exceptionally common for a primary oral HSV-1 infection, that pretty much rules out herpes orally as it is. The fact that you had no genital symptoms for a month also rules out genital herpes. I am not aware of anyone at all who has genuinely gone on to test positive by swab or blood in your specific circumstances. There are hundreds if not more than a thousand experiences on this website alone that are similar to yours that are truly negative for herpes I'm one of them!]  
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