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The guilt of Herpes rots me!


Kitty123

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Here I am having a horrible day....thinking of the day when my fiancee tells me, "Guess what - I now have Herpes" - although he has willingly told me that he doesn't care if he catches it, a prime example of how upset he got is when we went to engage in oral sex last night and I saw a little white dot (not a bump, but this little gland that had a white substance in it)...it was not red, It was white. I thought OMG he has it! OMG OMG!!

...but does Herpes even look like that?

So, I declined oral sex/vaginal sex with him. He got EXTREMELY upset with me and started bringing up the past and it really hurt me.

I'm trying to make him understand that a) I can't change the past and B) I have Herpes and we have to monitor my symptoms around when we want to have intercourse. Cuz if I'm 'not feeling all that great' down yonder, I am NOT having sex because...welll....he needs to 'get off'.

But this guilt I feel. it's HORRIBLE. I have these intrusive thoughts sometimes about suicide, (but not severe enough that I would do something)....I'm only 6 months in with this virus, and although I've never seen any sores....I know it's ruined my sex life. My libido is SHOT, but my boyfriends is the same. He loves sex and wants it all the time. Before I had H, i was a moderately sexual being in my relationship. Now it's once a week once every 2 weeks. But I thought that was normal after being with someone for 4 years. But lately I couldn't care less if I ever had sex.

I feel so rotted. I don't want to lose him, but I really am starting to think that my bf is putting sex as a priority in our relationship, when I never ever thought of it as a priority.

As a previous post once said, "Sex is not love", and I think my bf feels he needs to have it all the time to make him feel adequate after our brief breakup (and it was only days)...and I had sex with someone else, thus contracting Herpes (2). It's like he wants it almost every day. He feels the need to always be touching me. I don't feel this is normal!!!

Sorry I'm all over the place with my venting, but I'm feeling really really low right now.

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Hi,

I am with a partner who is Hsv1 positive orally only.

He is the one who gave it to me genitally. Generally he is quite positive and whenever I have an outbreak he says "That shouldn't happen, its not the natural environment" And he gets quite upset that I'm upset.. but at the end of the day.. for our relationship..

Its hard for him to understand.

If I gave it to him, I would feel TERRIBLE. Even though he gave it to me!

I would never wish this pain and anguish on anyone.

Its good you've never had an outbreak and I hope that continues.

Have you thought about suppressive therapy? or taking large does of lysine to try and minimise the risk of giving it to him?

For my situation, sex is very important as we are in a long distance relationship, unfortunately this usually ends in an outbreak for me. :(

I'm sorry your having such a difficult time, it does get better.

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Thank you for your support. :)

I am on suppressive therapy for HSV2, and for all I know, I've probably had OB's that don't present themselves with sores, either that or my sores could be internal. I never experience what others have experienced. But I do get the leg pain, the back pain...etc..sometimes I feel like my labia has been bruised....it feels awful. Like clockwork, these symptoms happen after my period.

The guilt is the worst part. I don't care how many times my bf (well fiancee but I am used to saying bf LOL) says, "I don't care if I get it" - how can someone NOT CARE?! Sometimes I think to myself, he's just saying that. its unfortunate that we had to experience a rift in our relationship that I had to breakup with him, and then only DAYS after we broke up I slept with a DISHONEST friend who took advantage of me, then a week later got BACK with my boyfriend, had sexual relations with him and then a few days later, I saw a sore on his man parts! WELL - to my surprise it tested negative!! And a month after I got my results back for my blood test, (which tested POSITIVE), he went and got his bloodwork done, and they tested NEGATIVE!!! Which I find REALLY hard to believe. But he has probably seroconverted by now.

Deep in my heart I know he has it. But he says "the test is negative, and if eventually I get it- well - I get it!"

How could he possibly want it after I brought it into the relationship?

Its the worst feeling in the world. Worse than me having the virus myself.

Its the guilt of passing it on is what REALLY REALLY gets me.

I wish the person who gave it to me felt guilt. he probably doesn't. Instead he chose to lie to me. I'm just as at fault, I was vulnerable, taken advantage of, and although I could not foresee this happening (me contracting Herpes), I still feel like this GUILT will not go away. Even WITH therapy!

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Kitty do you think your fiance feels guilty because you got Herpes during your "rift"? Maybe he feels responsible or guilty for you getting it also? So maybe that's why he says what he says, maybe he does want it and he won't feel guilty. I don't know.

It's sad to say, but I think men want sex, when they want sex. Whether you're feeling good or not. When I was with my H guy, he didn't care if I had an outbreak, because he wanted what he wanted when he wanted it. You have no idea the pain I was in! I don't know sometimes if these men can handle the limitations, or "off limit" periods we have with herpes.

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Other things to remember:

It is harder for men to get herpes from women

Suppressive medication will help passing it on and if it is passed on it is more likely to be asymptomatic.

Men usually get less outbreaks than women anyway, because they don't have the hormonal shifts that women do.

Relax...the percentage risk of passing it on on medication is tiny 1-3% per year...and he has said he is not worried if he catches it. What is probably harder for him to deal with is seeing you suffering.

It will take you time to regain your sexual confidence, of course it will. Its the stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance...I know when I got herpes it felt like something had been taken from me. You will get there, don't be hard on yourself. No point in feeling guilty, this can happen to anybody at anytime in their life.

Stay strong

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I don't know exactly how you feel because in my relationship we didn't cheat on eachother it layed dormant. We assume my husband has it orally since I got dx with ghsv-1 from oral sex. He still doesn't think that he is the one that gave it to me but I've been with him for 20 yrs and there was only 1 other guy that has given me oral sex and that has been over 24 yrs since I've been with him. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I can understand how you're feeling to an extent but I'm the opposite and want to have sex and feel that now we know we have herpes that he doesn't want me the way I was before knowing I had the virus. I want things back to the way it was before having the outbreak. I know it's not possible but I can't help but dream about it. He still treats me the same and we still do everything we always have done in the bedroom. We just don't know who gave to who but it doesn't matter because we are still together and will always be together. Take Care and try not to beat yourself up. He has forgiven you and is willing to take the chance or not about getting the virus.

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Well, thats just it. I don't think he has fully forgiven me. When I got upset and I cried, he brought up 'the incident' and it had been MONTHS since he had brought it up. An improvement yes, but still hurt nonetheless. He has since then put a ring on my finger, and vowed and promised that things would get better emotionally and most of all psychologically between us despite the mistake I made. Fine and dandy. I can handle that. But as for being forgiven? I think it's happening, but its been a very slow process. I can't really complain. He still loves me, and is actually willing to chance contracting it from me. But alot of things about me have been psychologically damaged since this incident, and i have nobody to blame but myself for that.

GUILT is the HUGE issue for me here. I am really trying. Some days are good, some days are not.

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But alot of things about me have been psychologically damaged since this incident, and i have nobody to blame but myself for that.

GUILT is the HUGE issue for me here. I am really trying. Some days are good, some days are not.

I totally hear you: the conflicting emotions, guilt and the knowledge that I have done some less than brave things since I have had herpes because I was afraid...I have all of those. But they have lessened over time.

And if you really have to...go and get some counselling, perhaps even as a couple. It may help you come to terms with you guilt without putting extra pressure on your fiancee. If this man matters it really will be worth trying to get this right. You never know it may be easier for both of you to get this all out in the open as a couple and learn some tools to cope by having a neutral third party mediating. I don't know the sort of person you fiancee is, lots of men are resistant to seeking help...but that doesn't stop you exploring ways to come to terms with the changes in your life and your own guilt.

Just don't be your own worst enemy!

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Maybe this has been done and your man is already well educated.... but in case not, it might be an idea to really go through it with him or 'assist' him in making an appointment with a doc/ consultant (or go with him) to learn more about hsv. Perhaps then, he would be more understanding about how it affects you, and, more aware of the risks to himself, and better educated on how together you can minimize the risks of transmission (and why he SHOULD care). I expect this would also reduce the guilt you feel.....

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  • 1 year later...

Hey there,

Yeah, I here ya. Fuck this shit. The guilt is so intense. I feel so isolated in my relationships because of the guilt I feel about the fear/reality of transmission. This guilt is so unbearable.

At least its good to know I am in good company for bad feelings.

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Hey Kitty. I am sorry. I do have ghsv2 for 24 almost. I am married to non h man and sex and marriage go hand and hand. Mine works away from home 3 to 4 days a week. He is always ready when gets home, we sex text a lot. We are both very late 40's ..and my sex drive has increased. When I had monthly cycles that did not stop him. He says if he gets it so b it. I am on supressive therapy Valtrex daily. I have never had side effects and I get yearly blood function test. He has never throw up my h to me, good thing I could not be with someone who did. Mabe try these Meds they have kept me ob free and him non h man for 23 years. I do hope and pray things work for you both. I have had much luck with these Meds. Hugs hon and if you want to talk I'm here. Truly,Ace :)

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...As a previous post once said, "Sex is not love", and I think my bf feels he needs to have it all the time to make him feel adequate after our brief breakup (and it was only days)...and I had sex with someone else, thus contracting Herpes (2). It's like he wants it almost every day. He feels the need to always be touching me. I don't feel this is normal!!!

Sorry I'm all over the place with my venting, but I'm feeling really really low right now.

Kitty, what you said here is pretty close to the truth. It's hard to explain (and for women to understand) how a cheating partner affects a man, because sex has different meanings for men and women. Although few women stray from a relationship simply because their partner is sexually inadequate, for the man who's been cheated on, it strikes a blow directly at their sense of maculinity. His sexual self-confidence has been seriously wounded, and it will take some time, and some effort on your part, to rebuild it.

I'm sure when he says he's forgven you that he's telling the truth. Forgiving someone doesn't automatically erase the damage done, though, or heal the wound. Once you punch someone, they may forgive you for punching them, but that doesn't make the black eye any less bruised. The bruise still has to heal.

His seeming obsession with sex is normal, considering the circumstances. It's his way of re-establishing his self-confidence that you still find him desirable, and proving to himself that he can satisfy you better than 'the other guy'.

You may not define your relationship in sexual terms. He probably doesn't either, consciously. But the truth is, a man's sense of 'machismo' is at the very core of their sense of self. When you wound that, it puts everything out of balance for him.

You may not feel very sexual right now, but he needs your help. You hold the key to helping to heal whats been wounded. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that, having been a similar situation once, it takes time, understanding, and a lot of reassurance, to undo what's been done.

What's done is done, and regrets and remorse are a waste of time. We all make mistakes. This is not an easy fix, though. Try to see things from his point of view, and maybe you'll find it in yourself to put your lack of desire and aside and concentrate on helping him get past this.

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Well, I now 110% believe that herpes causes more emotional trauma than physical.

This virus is such a mind fcuk.

Hope one day you can stop thiinking about it and just live a normal life.. if that's possible.

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Its been 2 years since that last post. I still have a low libido :(. But WE DID have sex twice last weekend, and it was sensational. But thats it...i'm good now for another long while.

I just hate the constant grabbing of my boobs like they are objects. I miss the passion. The long deep kisses. He doesn't even kiss me like that anymore, but expects me to grab his d**k, and give him oral. What about me?? What do i get? Oh ya....I know. Herpes.

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Its been 2 years since that last post. I still have a low libido :(. But WE DID have sex twice last weekend, and it was sensational. But thats it...i'm good now for another long while.

I just hate the constant grabbing of my boobs like they are objects. I miss the passion. The long deep kisses. He doesn't even kiss me like that anymore, but expects me to grab his d**k, and give him oral. What about me?? What do i get? Oh ya....I know. Herpes.

Kitty let me tell you. I walk in front of my hubby nakes ,just a scrap of cloth, and do whatever. Like check out what is on the TV (remote in his hands of courese) or look the computer he will be working on. Just anything to get his 48 years old juices flowing. He now chases me. It is so funny too. The next morning I get a really big kiss with hands too and my 18 year old daughter says "Get a room"!!! We both look at the child and say when you pay rent we will. I get my hubby to run my bubble baths he is like DAMN you smell good!! I say humm mmmm... Make him want it! Its not hard, YET!! Lmao... There are many ways to keep them wondering. I know you have it in you hell, Im 49 and he still runs after me. Spice it up. Make him look at what you have and he will want, I would bet my allowance on it.. Yes, yes I get money for being a good wifey.lol.. Take Care , Hugs ..Ace.

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Well, I now 110% believe that herpes causes more emotional trauma than physical.

This virus is such a mind fcuk.

Hope one day you can stop thiinking about it and just live a normal life.. if that's possible.

Hey Mozycozy I live very normally for us..It is what we consider to be normal not society. Fuvk yes I have the H , he dont so what. I have never let H take anything away from me.. Nor would I ever! The emotional I have is love to live it and give it till I stop being able to, I will continue to have a life filled with love and laughter and friends here. I don't need outside friends to discuss the H. I get that here. That is all I was lacking in my wonderful life. Your life can be what you make it. If you chose to wallow ,you will wallow, If you chose to live , you will live. I have had many very bad things happen in my life , none have been as good as getting H. Anything is possible, man on the moon? Climbing highest mountains? Its what you chose , it is what you chose it will be. I chose to live & love.. Just that simple. Take care, Ace. :)

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