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Still resenting my partner

Siva Ratri

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Hi there,

I'd like a little feedback on my situation- or maybe help me put it in perspective.

I'm 35 and female and was diagnosed about 9 months ago. I've had about 4 breakouts since my initial horrible horrible breakout, all of which have been realtively short and minor. I have HSVI on my genitals, which my doctor says was almost certainly contracted from my long-term boyfriend, who has HSVI on his mouth, from oral sex. My dear boyfriend has been very supportive and is not grossed out at all by my "skin condition" and is understandably vigilant about not getting "my" herpes on his own genitals. However, he staunchly refuses to concede that my herpes could have come from him. And he complains whenever I have a flare-up about my you-know-what being "out of service" again. Apparantly, dealing with my periods and OUR herpes is putting a damper on his sex life. He seems to feel this entitles him to blow jobs a-plenty when I'm "out of service." This boy already gets more bj's in a week than most men get in a year, yet he seems to feel this is only appropriate. Like a bj is some sort of penance for having periods and catching herpes from him. I ordinarily love oral which is why he gets it so much, but his attitude is really killing my desire to go down. I think a man should be grateful for a bj, not feel entitled (Mel Gibson, anyone?). I've told him just what I told you here, but he says that just because my vagina isn't working doesn't mean his gratification should grind to a halt. I agree in principle, but COME ON. A little sympathy would be way better than insisting on a bj and getting sulky when I'm not super-enthusiastic. It would go a long way toward ensuring he still gets all those lovely bj's we both enjoy...you know, not making them a punishment would keep me likin' em.

Anyway, I guess what I'm getting at is that even though my bf didn't run for the hills when I told him I had acquired herpes and that he's not grossed out or anything, I still resent him for his SO-not-my-fault attitude and his feeling of entitlement to bj's on command when I'm having an outbreak.

I broke out yesterday, really mild, but I don't want to tell him because his attitude (as per above) will just make me even more angry than I already am. THis isn't MY herpes, it's OURS, dammit. I suppose Dan would tell me to DTMFA, but this is the only problem in our relationship that doesn't seem to be getting resolved by communication and understanding.

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If this is the way you feel then you should probably sit down and have a serious talk with him about how you feel. Or it may be time to find a new man.

I do agree that he has a bad attitude towards the whole situation. If you are having an outbreak then he should be more understanding because having an outbreak is obviously no fun at all, we all know this.

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If he has HSV1 orally and you have HSV1 genitally then it would be very rare for him to get it genitally. But also, having sex during an outbreak is never a good idea. His attitude though is manipulative and not caring and unrelated to herpes. And if he does have it orally then chances are good that you did get it from him. I would say "so what?" except for the attitude that he has now.

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Wow. I feel as if I wrote this. But my situation is a bit different. I stepped outside of my relationship (we had a brief split actually), and I slept with a DISHONEST friend, and acquired HSV2 from this dishonest friend. I ended up getting back with my boyfriend shortly after (not knowing I had HSV), and possibly gave it to him. Ever since we got back together, his need for sex has AMPLIFIED, and in my opinion, he doesn't care if I am breaking out or not. Even though he has somewhat accepted the consequences of what happened, he still wants to be with me, but I feel clouded. I love him, and I know he loves me, but I think he feels that he needs sex more often because it makes him feel adequate. Now like you, when my lady bits feel 'out of order' - he definitely will make it known that he is not happy about it, and yet he will still want to have some sort of sexual contact (i/e a blow job). He feels entitled to them, like your boyfriend does.

I hope this is just a phase for the both of us. Its possible that your boyfriend is in denial that he gave this to you. I hope this resolves for you soon. Its not easy, but if he loves you, he will start being more compassionate. It just makes dealing with it alot easier.

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    • sgt98
      Hey @WilsoInAus ok thank you, I will do my best to move on and stop trawling forums haha. 
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @sgt98 but there is no feasible infection or outbreak to suppress and antivirals do not suppress an initial outbreak in any event 
    • sgt98
      Thanks @WilsoInAus I understand apologies for this but the only other thing I am worried about is that I did take a course of Famvir on day 1 as I felt like I was having an outbreak of cold sores and am worried that has suppressed the initial outbreak genitally 
    • WilsoInAus
      Hi @sgt98 it is not feasible to obtain a HSV-2 infection from receiving oral sex - only HSV-1 is feasible but you've already got that and immunity from any further infection with HSV-1. You do not need any further tests for HSV. You're feeling regret, try to forgive yourself and calm down, let the rational take over. You know the answer here and it won't be long until you believe it too.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hi @NerdP423 and welcome to the website. You raise a lot of points and I think the best way to address your concerns is add some comments at each key point. I've copied your note again below and added these comments in square brackets. I appreciate any insight (even speculation) as to what has been going on with me. I'm a 37y/o M. I last was intimate with a new partner on 2/11/2022, and a few days later started having a huge amount of discomfort in my face. [The first thing that happens though is that herpes causes lesions or at least some skin based disruption. Other symptoms are then related to the actions of the immune system responding to the virus. Without lesions, it is highly questionable that the ailment is related to herpes, yet testing is useful if you have concerns as you have done so.] About a month after that [herpes causes issues within days, if the first 'symptoms' are a month later - its extremely unlikely they are related to herpes], significant discomfort downstairs, however every test I have ever taken for HSV 1 and 2 has been negative. Here are the details: Face: Previously, some significant tingling and itching on the right side of my mouth, lips and chin (still there, but milder) [herpes does not cause general tingling and itching, it can cause a reasonably concentrated feeling of itch/throb from which a herpes lesion appears within hours]. Occasional hot flashes near my right eye, cheek and ear [herpes does not do this, it may be a immune response to something, or stress]. Sometimes it will feel like the skin is crawling on the right side of my face [herpes does not cause a general crawling sensation]. Never seen anything that looked like a traditional cold sore [that's extremely telling, even people with associated atypical symptoms will have experienced herpes lesions]. Occasionally, the left side of my face will have a momentary feeling of skin crawling, but it's so mild that I am not really worried about it. Downstairs: Thankfully, most of these are now milder than they were before. Occasional momentary pinch of pain at the base of my genitals. [herpes does not cause a general pinch feeling.] Aching pain in my boxer area (groin, leg folds) [nor this] Occasional feeling of cold in my boxer area, butt, or lower back. ( also in my shins and occasionally even my arms) [nor this] On 4/30/2022, I had been in discomfort for almost two months. I scratched an itch, noticed it hurt, and then checked - I did have an open ulcer down there. Took myself to the ER to get swabbed, came back negative. [If this was a PCR then this will be very conclusive.] Practitioner said it may come back negative because it was already open. However the lab report noted that it definitely didn't look like what you'd expect a typical first herpes outbreak to look like [how would the lab know??]. All blood tests negative so far. I had two western blots, the second one was nine months after exposure. [Two negative Westernblots!!! Many that's real convincing]. All other swabs also negative. I went to urgent care, because I know the timeliness of when the Swab is taken matters. One time, a swab was not done, because practitioner said it was folliculitis and wouldn't swab it (It was at my belt line). [Belt line is highly unlikely to relate to herpes.]   A blood test revealed I had low-ish B12 (technically in range, but at the very low end, especially for a man of my size). I had a series of B12 injections, and I am taking a B12 supplement. I am not taking any lysine or arginine at the moment. I was taking the Arganine to see if I could induce an outbreak. [This is irrelevant, there is no known linkage between herpes outbreaks and arginine/lysine intake - its a myth - and B12 infers nothing.] I think what I am asking is - has anyone here ever repeatedly tested negative over and over again over long period of time, before getting a definitive answer, be a positive test, or something else? [The answer to this is: Extremely few people with a HSV-1 infection and even more rarely HSV-2 test repeatedly negative on Westernblot and actually carry the virus. Of the cases that I know of that had delayed detection by a swab and negative blood tests in the meantime (and that's only 3-4 cases), they had some form of lesions within days of infection but did not obtain a swab for various reasons and then obtained a positive swab of a subsequent lesion with the record being 11 months later. A couple of the cases did have some 'background' symptoms they thought might be related to herpes but that isn't ascertained and some did not have any unusual symptoms at all apart from the lesions. Hence as you did not have lesions around your mouth or lips within days of the last sexual encounter as is exceptionally common for a primary oral HSV-1 infection, that pretty much rules out herpes orally as it is. The fact that you had no genital symptoms for a month also rules out genital herpes. I am not aware of anyone at all who has genuinely gone on to test positive by swab or blood in your specific circumstances. There are hundreds if not more than a thousand experiences on this website alone that are similar to yours that are truly negative for herpes I'm one of them!]  
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