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Im silently hurting...


Beautiful Innocence

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I am in college and trying to keep it together. I got HSV when I was 16, by my boyfriend. He was my first. I forgave him. But it really damaged me mentally. Especially after I took him back and he then left me cause he got another woman pregnant. I was glad i was able to walk away from the situation unlike the other girl for she got pregnant. I was just infected. I have my HSV in control now, but I lost a lot of value for myself. I started prostituting, punishing myself for letting him hurt me. Yes, he did not man up and tell me what he had but it is my body and I should have kept him using condoms instead of giving in. I stopped prostituting this summer and in the process got Mollescum, Clymadia and lost a good boyfriend(someone else). I got a little counseling but it didnt do me any good. I have been using condoms for the most part but now I have a wart. So now HPV is in the picture. Im 20 years old, im tired. Now, I go to a very good college, I work, I just got a promotion. My boss thinks Im amazing, etc. Nobody knows how I hurt. Some days I am fine. I am a black woman and I am afraid.

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Sorry Beautiful Innocence, you've gone through so much! After everything you've gone through would you consider counselling? Might find it helpful to talk to someone. Did me some good. I also did some Talk Therapy with the Psychiatrist.

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I did a little but after the second session i just had nothing else to say. Not that I was being non-compliant but that I just told her everything and the sessions were now getting quiet and ackward. Maybe I might try again. I will consider it just because you care. I mean I am not unstable right now. I am trying to invest more into myself.

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Oh sister...never let anyone take your spirit or your worth. I'm glad that you're in a good place right now and I pray that this good season continues for you. Each day is a new day...everyday doesn't have to be a battle. I haven't gone through the same situation that you have but I do know what it is like to go through the pain and allienation that goes along with having herpes. I was diagnosed with ghsv2 in Nov. 09 but for a long time I didn't know what mornings would bring. There were days that I had no memory of b/c I was in such a haze. I praise God for getting me through b/c I know that I wasn't living for myself then. It seems that you are so full of potential and your boss thinks you're amazing b/c you are. Never think any different. Use the hurt to make you stronger. One of my favorite scriptures from the bible is "His strength is made perfect in my weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:9. I believe that. The days when I was at my weakest and didn't feel like getting out of bed I focused on God and how good He had been to me...I was still here. And to be honest, some days that was all that I felt I had to be thankful for. But as days went on I began to notice more and more the blessings that I was given. And I was here for a reason. It's okay to go through days hurting but rest assured that pain doesn't last always. I still have days of hardship and hurt...but as soon as I start to wallow in it, I fight like crap to get out of it. Even if it means turning the stereo up to the last notch and dancing like I'm on a stage somewhere (the neighbors love those days I bet:rolleyes:). But all I want to get across to you is that you are worthy, you are amazing, you deserve the best, and you will receive the best! Have faith...it doesn't take much, just a mustard seeds worth;). God Bless You Sweetie!

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Thank you I appreciate it. I am still praying. I dont go to church as much as I use to but I am still very spiritual. I will write the scripture you have given me on my "words of encouragement" white board in my room.

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AnaBella that post was beautiful and just what I needed to hear tonight! Yes we are worthy and beautiful and we cannot let anyone or anyTHING take us down from that! I was feeling really ashamed of what I did to my (now ex) boyfriend who supposedly wanted to spend his life with me, when I was too afraid to tell him I had an OB, and was just praying the valtrex would keep him safe. I had to come clean after, and he dumped me. I just retold the story to someone and felt all the shame again...so, sister, you have no idea how much you just lifted me up! I am going to read and re-read that!

And Beautiful, your past has just made you stronger. You are not your past. We all have a past, and mistakes, but we learn from them and become beautifully imperfect human beings :) Full of love and being loved!!

Good luck :)

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      Hey @WilsoInAus ok thank you, I will do my best to move on and stop trawling forums haha. 
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @sgt98 but there is no feasible infection or outbreak to suppress and antivirals do not suppress an initial outbreak in any event 
    • sgt98
      Thanks @WilsoInAus I understand apologies for this but the only other thing I am worried about is that I did take a course of Famvir on day 1 as I felt like I was having an outbreak of cold sores and am worried that has suppressed the initial outbreak genitally 
    • WilsoInAus
      Hi @sgt98 it is not feasible to obtain a HSV-2 infection from receiving oral sex - only HSV-1 is feasible but you've already got that and immunity from any further infection with HSV-1. You do not need any further tests for HSV. You're feeling regret, try to forgive yourself and calm down, let the rational take over. You know the answer here and it won't be long until you believe it too.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hi @NerdP423 and welcome to the website. You raise a lot of points and I think the best way to address your concerns is add some comments at each key point. I've copied your note again below and added these comments in square brackets. I appreciate any insight (even speculation) as to what has been going on with me. I'm a 37y/o M. I last was intimate with a new partner on 2/11/2022, and a few days later started having a huge amount of discomfort in my face. [The first thing that happens though is that herpes causes lesions or at least some skin based disruption. Other symptoms are then related to the actions of the immune system responding to the virus. Without lesions, it is highly questionable that the ailment is related to herpes, yet testing is useful if you have concerns as you have done so.] About a month after that [herpes causes issues within days, if the first 'symptoms' are a month later - its extremely unlikely they are related to herpes], significant discomfort downstairs, however every test I have ever taken for HSV 1 and 2 has been negative. Here are the details: Face: Previously, some significant tingling and itching on the right side of my mouth, lips and chin (still there, but milder) [herpes does not cause general tingling and itching, it can cause a reasonably concentrated feeling of itch/throb from which a herpes lesion appears within hours]. Occasional hot flashes near my right eye, cheek and ear [herpes does not do this, it may be a immune response to something, or stress]. Sometimes it will feel like the skin is crawling on the right side of my face [herpes does not cause a general crawling sensation]. Never seen anything that looked like a traditional cold sore [that's extremely telling, even people with associated atypical symptoms will have experienced herpes lesions]. Occasionally, the left side of my face will have a momentary feeling of skin crawling, but it's so mild that I am not really worried about it. Downstairs: Thankfully, most of these are now milder than they were before. Occasional momentary pinch of pain at the base of my genitals. [herpes does not cause a general pinch feeling.] Aching pain in my boxer area (groin, leg folds) [nor this] Occasional feeling of cold in my boxer area, butt, or lower back. ( also in my shins and occasionally even my arms) [nor this] On 4/30/2022, I had been in discomfort for almost two months. I scratched an itch, noticed it hurt, and then checked - I did have an open ulcer down there. Took myself to the ER to get swabbed, came back negative. [If this was a PCR then this will be very conclusive.] Practitioner said it may come back negative because it was already open. However the lab report noted that it definitely didn't look like what you'd expect a typical first herpes outbreak to look like [how would the lab know??]. All blood tests negative so far. I had two western blots, the second one was nine months after exposure. [Two negative Westernblots!!! Many that's real convincing]. All other swabs also negative. I went to urgent care, because I know the timeliness of when the Swab is taken matters. One time, a swab was not done, because practitioner said it was folliculitis and wouldn't swab it (It was at my belt line). [Belt line is highly unlikely to relate to herpes.]   A blood test revealed I had low-ish B12 (technically in range, but at the very low end, especially for a man of my size). I had a series of B12 injections, and I am taking a B12 supplement. I am not taking any lysine or arginine at the moment. I was taking the Arganine to see if I could induce an outbreak. [This is irrelevant, there is no known linkage between herpes outbreaks and arginine/lysine intake - its a myth - and B12 infers nothing.] I think what I am asking is - has anyone here ever repeatedly tested negative over and over again over long period of time, before getting a definitive answer, be a positive test, or something else? [The answer to this is: Extremely few people with a HSV-1 infection and even more rarely HSV-2 test repeatedly negative on Westernblot and actually carry the virus. Of the cases that I know of that had delayed detection by a swab and negative blood tests in the meantime (and that's only 3-4 cases), they had some form of lesions within days of infection but did not obtain a swab for various reasons and then obtained a positive swab of a subsequent lesion with the record being 11 months later. A couple of the cases did have some 'background' symptoms they thought might be related to herpes but that isn't ascertained and some did not have any unusual symptoms at all apart from the lesions. Hence as you did not have lesions around your mouth or lips within days of the last sexual encounter as is exceptionally common for a primary oral HSV-1 infection, that pretty much rules out herpes orally as it is. The fact that you had no genital symptoms for a month also rules out genital herpes. I am not aware of anyone at all who has genuinely gone on to test positive by swab or blood in your specific circumstances. There are hundreds if not more than a thousand experiences on this website alone that are similar to yours that are truly negative for herpes I'm one of them!]  
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