going crazy..

[mortification]

I woke up one day with a bunch of bumps down there and it hurt..i thought i was just sore from having sex the night before..but the following day is when the bumps appeared. two days later full of pain and agony and googling i finally made an appointment to see my gyno. they have to make it feel so awkward to make an appointment 4 months before your annual..i got right in, but theres something about gynecologists that makes them very insensitive about things like this. of course im completely mortified and embarrassed to all hell. and all she can say when she looks at me is "what in the world did you go and do to yourself" so of course shes tryin to use her swab to get a culture sample andim crying the whole time, much like i do now as i type this. sheleft the room and after a few minutes of me using her whole box of tissues tells me it could be herpes or something else that also is forever..something about the word forever is AWFUL. the realization of the conversation is what really got to me. the whole weekend i triedto pretend i was still having a nightmare and i could wake up any moment., but she crushed all of that. she said herpes usually starts as one out break not a bunch so that was why she was doubting it, but i didnt know that? is that true? the other thing i asked her to repeat twice but i still dont know what it was. she mentioned if it was that shed have to go and put acid inside me to get rid of it? i go back tuesday for my results. im so scared. i have a bad feeling that it is herpes.. im scared. i've been seeing someone new for the past few months but have not really talked about being exclusive so when he was away i had sex with someone else. i've had sex with him since but i dont know if i got it from the guy or him or my ex months before? or sometimein my past? and depending on gave it to me who ALSO has it? I haven't told anyone at all about this or what ive been going through the past few days. since i got the bumps i've half avoided the guy. we've hung out twice since both times i've refused to let him touch me and i've just acted really tired and not interested. the rest of the week i've said i didnt feel well and avoided him that way. i dont know how much longer i can keep this up without him thinking something was up. i dont want to tell him. i dont want to tell anyone, but how do u continue to sleep with someone knowing you have an std? i can spring "hey lets use a condom from now on" on him but that might be strange bc we havent been using them..and i know a condom wont help completely. i just really don't want to be judged as the girl with genital herpes. call that whatever else you want to call it but im scared. and i really dont think i can emotionally take that. i would be crushed. ugh at the same time if someone told me they had herpes i would NOT sleep with them. i would appreciate telling me and could be friends but absolutely would not sleep with them and volunteer myself that risk no matter how low the risk was. as sad as that is. absolutely knowing someone has herpes is scarier then sleeping with someone you are not sure of. it sounds so stupid to write but i see how stupid i was with how i lived and what i did im in a state of regret. i dont know what to do.

[loretta03]

I found out four months ago that i am hsv1 positive. Hsv1 is usually coldsores what most people don't know is that if someone goes down on you with a coldsore you can get hsv1 on your genitals. Hsv2 is only on your genitals hsv1 can be on both. I was like you. I had a some pretty rough sex and chalked the initial pain to that "just rough sex". Two days later it got worst, I prayed it was a yeast infection. And a week later when I could barely walk because I was in so much pain, I made my first ever trip to the gyno. And she wasn't mouthy or awful she seemed to pity me, and the look on her face said it all. After she told me it was herpes I too came home and prayed that she was wrong as I started my daily doseage of meds, and was the week went on and I was still waiting for test results I wasn't relieved when the meds worked and it started to go away bc that mean't it was true. From that moment on I have felt like I have ruined my life. I've never been someone to sleep around I can count on one hand how many people I've been with, and I can tell you that at times I've gone 18 months without having sex at all. And statisically people like me or the ones who it happens to most bc were careless. I told a few close friends NO FAMILY MEMBERS AT ALL!!! My best friend cried with me when I told her and then she told me your not a freak 1 in 5 have it and you won't die from it. But then she had a herpes scare and freaked out and I knew she'd never know what it truly feels like to have a social disease. Thats the worst part really of the disease bc you can pretty much control it with daily meds and lysine, the part of the disease that ruins you dreams of a normal relationship, and in my case a family, I can't imagine the chances of passing this on to a child and it literally rips my heart into a millions pieces. I'm 25 years old and I think daily about ending my life. I found this site this evening bc I can't handle keeping it to myself and having no one to talk to who truly understands what this feels like. I've changed diet, exercise the way I do everything, I wouldn't even know I had a problem if it weren't for the fact that I take medicine every morning when I wake up. I take acyclovir and lysine everyday I don't have health insurance the beginning tests cost me 1000 dollars. Needless to say it has been the worst year of my life. I'm hoping someday I won't be asshamed of who I am, bc right now I despise even looking at myself in the mirror. I'm sry about what your going through its all to familiar I wish it weren't. But it the guy truly cares for you, it won't matter what you have bc you'll have his heart. Nice in theory I know its a huge leap of faith to trust that someone won't treat you like a mutant. I've told 5 people total now.

[mortification]

I refuse to tell someone at this point. i'd rather never have sex ever again. I wish I knew who gave this to me. I haven't even talked to any of those guys about it. I wish I would have been more careful, but I wasn't. I'm only 21 years old and I have a disease that is going to stay with me for the rest of my life. That is how I keep looking at it. I still have sores from my first outbreak I noticed them last Sunday which was the..ninth. I'm suprised this guy hasn't confronted me about the way i've been acting for the past week. It has been easy to play sick since I fainted and hit my head and went to the ER the day before. so i havent been myself since. It kind of flowed well. :/ i think im going to check on this lysine because I keep reading about it and everywhere I turn ppl are taking it for this..I have to do something. i already work out regularly, but the diet might need some modification. I've heard nuts arent something we should have..blah i love almonds, glad i didnt buy some last week when i was going to drive to sams club where the guy works..

[LostWeekend]

Girl, I totally know what you're going through. I am pretty much sinking in the same boat right now. As everyone has said to me whom I have been brave enough to talk to, you've got to calm down. Hell yeah this is all very scary, but freaking out and getting yourself all worked up is not going to help. I also think it's normal to have some regrets and wish you could go back, but we can't change the past. I rehash mine several times a day and can't get my head around the idea that I may have altered the rest of my life with one random night. But dwelling on the details of the past is only ruining the present. I truly hope that your tests come back negative...In the meantime, I'll be thinking of you and wishing you the best !

[mortification]

thank you so much. the acid she said would hurt wasnt looking to bad when herpes was the other option. she said it would burn and hurt but more than likely be gone and said it was rare to come back i just dont know what it was. eek two more days.

[LostWeekend]

I've had some random symptoms on and off for over 2 1/2 months now. I've been to several doctors (even though right now I don't have insurance either) and they all have dismissed the possibility of herpes. That should be reassuring right?! Well when something is still going on and there are not many other explanations, you even start to doubt the doctors. I actually just started noticing something that looked like a possible blister a few days ago though. So, once again I am going back to the doctors, but this time they will have something tangible to test. Please hope for my sake that it is something else as well. I will surely take the painful burning acid over this any day. :/

[ladyl]

I understand where u are comin from. I am also 21 and found out in sept by a blood test never had sores and I thank god everyday. I have 1&2 hvs it was hard at first but I'm startin to deal wit it. I have been in a relationship wit a non h person. He is willin to take the risk we don't use protection and I don't take nothin. I sometimes feels like I have nothin and I'm normally but then I wake up and I know I have somethin that I can't get rid of don't be sad or depressed things get better. I jus broke up wit my non h partner cuz of herpes he jus didn't know how to be faithful and don't got time to catch anythin else lol this is enough

[Kitty123]

You mention that your gynecologist said, "they would need to burn it off".

The first thing that comes to my mind is HPV - Human Papilloma Virus - the virus that causes genital warts in women and is also one of the leading causes of cervical cancer in some women (not all women!), HPV also has no cure.

Hundreds of women also carry the HPV virus and not know it. It's extremely common. *I also have it* Alot of women never know they have it because they don't show symptoms.

Could this be what your GYN was telling you?

[mortification]

It could be because i googled & it seemed like the acid she was refering to is used to get rid of the warts. I know plenty of ppl who have it and some with cancerous cells but none of which have talked about warts. i did a paper on it and from what i researched it seemed as though unless u get multiple strands of the virus you done get the type that causes both warts and cervical cancer. but i could be wrong. when i was talking to my dr. i asked her if she thought it was what i thought it was and she knew i was referring to herpes. she said it could be that or this other thing she called it something different though. i had the vaccine for hpv but i know it only protects against a few common strands. she said if it is the other thing that ye ill always carry the virus but after the acid signs of it are normally gone for the most part. i go tomorrow for my results. ten in the morning. i made it as early as they had open bc im so eager to know. imstill avoiding sex with the guy i've been seeing. i would really like to wait until everything has heeled just in case it is that bc if he doesnt have it ugh i dont want to put him through this. he's the nicest guy i've ever been with thus far and i wouldnt wish this on anyone not even my worst enemy. this is day..10 and i still have a few sores left but nothing hurts anymore. it doesnt burn to pee. that was probably the worst. i've had slight burning before but omg that was hell! and getting in an out of bed and tryin to sleep comfortably was awful i lost so much sleep. the guy knowns i've been rather down lately and keep asking me why and says i can talk to him about it but i relaly dont think i can. if someone gave me the scape goat i would take it! i dont care who they are. i would not let myself get close to someone with herpes and saying that when u dont have it is one thing but saying it when u do have it is another. if this is what this is than i know what it feels like & i never want to know it again. getting an std and getting fat were my two biggest fears. that probably sounds really stupid. :/