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KMD

Devastated & in a relationship...who gave it to who?

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KMD

Hi everyone,

I recently had an outbreak on my face and it was so brutal, I had to miss work and work from home. It was accompanied by bad nerve pain and just a brutal looking sores. I've been miserable for a week and was convinced it was Shingles. I thought that maybe it could be HSV-1 but don't recall EVER having one cold sore on my face so I was a bit confused.

Well my doctor called me with some surprising news... I have oral HSV-2. It comes as an absolute shocker as again, I've never had cold sores on my face and certainly have never had genital outbreaks (as HSV-2 is more common genitally).

I'm in a loving relationship with a woman (I'm a woman too). She is very honest and just great. She's out for the evening and I just found out tonight and am devastated.... both with having something like this and having to talk to her about it and letting her know. Thing is, I spoke to the doctor who said that if I have never had outbreaks on my face/genitals, that it's likely from a recent relationship. I've been with this girl for 9 months....

I'm sitting here wondering if there is any chance that I had it before I met her somehow and it stayed dormant until now? I mean again, it's ORAL HSV-2 which is so strange..... it is on my chin, so it's almost obvious that I got it from oral sex with a woman? Keep in mind this is my first real female relationship. I almost WANT to blame myself for some reason... I don't want her to feel the pain that she will have knowing she gave it to me.

Thing is, she says she's had cold sores since she was young on her face....she had a TINY one a few months back (never looking as awful as what I just had though). If she's had it since she was young, odds are it was always HSV-1 as it's more common on the face and from what I hear wasn't sexually active under she was older.

I read that is you have one strain of HSV, you're unlikely to get the other strain in the same spot. Does this mean that she probably has genital HSV-2? And that I contracted it while giving her oral sex? Now I'm worried I can get it in my genitals as well.... or maybe she somehow got oral-HSV2 from another lesbian and passed it to me just by kissing? Odds are slim - particularly if she already had oral HSV-1 emouth..... eek.

My head is spinning and I don't want to play the blame game at all but I'm just trying to find out what the most logical explanation is for how I contracted this strain on my face which is rare... and just who has what - where. I'm now wondering if we'll be OK..if we can even have sex going forward.... just.... oh man.. I'm devastated.

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Mystory101

Woa - it sounds like you have a lot going on and many questions. I'm sorry you're having such a rough experience. I would start with what you know for sure and what you can do with what you know. You know you have HSV-2 on your face, so I would have the "talk" with my partner, mainly because if she is not the carrier, then you can pass the virus to her. And she should be tested as well. Then you would have more answers. If she doesn't have it, then you know you didn't get it from her. And yes, it's possible that you got it from someone else and it stayed dormant in your system. If she does have it, then it's possible that you did get it from her. And yes, you could've contracted the virus through oral sex. I'd say that's the most likely way you got it. You said it yourself, that HSV-2 is usually found in the genital region and you have done oral sex. Also, you can get it on your genitals as well, if your gentials touch the infected area during an outbreak or viral shedding. Also, be careful - since it's on your face, be careful that you don't touch your face during an outbreak and then touch your eyes. That can be very dangerous, I think.

Regardless of the outcome, you will be able to continue your relationship if you both choose to do so including sexual intimacy. You may just have to make a few changes depending on if she has HSV-2 or not.

And if she doesn't have it, I wouldn't worry too much over who you got it from (unless you really need to know or want to let that person know if you don't think they know, etc. - I just tend not to focus too much on the past). I would be more concerned with moving forward with my current relationship.

Anyway, I hope something I said will be helpful.

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NolaTown

The thing that gets me is that everyone knows to get tested for HIV, but unless you ask to be tested for Herpes, most likely it will not be done. You could have had it for years. My doctor said more than 50% of all the human race may have it and will never know unless they ASK to be tested. I asked to be tested, came back positive.....told my girlfriend, she got tested, came back positive. She questioned a former girlfriend and the %$#@& apologizes if she gave it to her! I thought I passed this on and she may have given it to me. But who knows? Now she is an ex and we both are alone.

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speedbird

Hi KMD

not sure where u are but we are living parallel lives at the moment! Same diagnosis,same symptoms and background. Im man in a relationship with another man who gets cold sores. Not sure what his type is, but mine in HSV2. Got it on my face shaved and spread it across my face and up my left nostril. The scabs have finally fallen off today and after a second course of antibiotics the infection is subsiding. My glands appear to be reducing but still sore. I have a scalp ache which i am keeping an eye on.

I have been unbelievably stressed of late and in all honesty the perfect time for herpes to make it appearance!

I thought that i may have caught for a dirty snorkelling set that i used in Boracay, Philiippines? I have been going sir crazy trying to identify, but have given up and decided to accept it and deal with it.

I have yet to discuss it with my partner. Wish me luck.

Speed

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hardknocks

KMD-- How were you diagnosed? Curious if the lesions were swabbed and cultured. And if you also had a blood test?

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speedbird

Hi Hardknocks mine

started with a pimple that i burst and then spread after shaving. I went to my GP who swabbed the area. The swabs came back with staph and strep. the viral swab took longer and it returned yesterday with a positive swab for HSV2. They didnt do a blood test, but given the intensity of this infection they are diagnosing it as the primary infection.

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NolaTown

This can stay dormant for years??? Only get testede for HIV not Herpes....Then just all of a sudden....BAM........youre positive and can pass this on to someone else?? How are you suppose to know?? How are you suppose to keep yourself from getting herpes if everything is such a damn mystery?? I try to remind myself that it is not HIV and it could have been worse. I mean, I feel sorry for the people who got tested and they came back positive for HIV/AIDS. This is why I keep saying Im done. What if next time the diagnoses is worse.. I cant go through this again. Sex for one!

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    • WilsoInAus
      That's exactly right, you can return to your life and get the blood test as a sleep easy in 12 weeks time (from the last episode).
    • Laurenhelena
      Him and his ex have regular breakouts with all the traditional symptoms and I believe he was swabbed.  So I can return to life as it was before all of this drama ? I may still look into a blood test is I am confident it is accurate 
    • WilsoInAus
      @Laurenhelena how is this guy sure he has herpes? All sounding a bit odd to me. Yes it is very unlikely you will develop lesions now. Rubbing skin to skin is required for any feasible transmission chance. The odds of transmission with unprotected vaginal sex are of the order of 0.08% per epsiode. Halve this if a condom is worn. Compare that to chamydia that has about a 33% chance of transmission with unprotected sex; now that's contagious!
    • Laurenhelena
      I just feel that it’s known as such a contagious STD - I’ve been lying to my family cause when I tried to talk about it they became very anxious and begged me to tell them I hadn’t slept with him when I had - If someone told me that they slept with someone with genital herpes my mind would instantly think they had it.  So it’s unlikely then that I’m going to get symptoms now? I’m not going anything further with that guy but we have cuddled and kissed in bed with underwear on, is that ok?  Im quite sure he has hsv2 given that his ex gave it to him through a threesome  I’ve never had a cold sore   
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @Laurenhelena i think by your own admission you are letting fear get the better of you. Any flu symptoms (immune toxic shock) happen after the lesions, not before. Remember that most instances of sexual activity do not result in transmission of herpes. In the end it takes one exposure... but how many times has the person received oral sex from someone with HSV-1? or had sex with someone with HSV-2 even if they didn't know it was present? The UK has amongst the lowest incidence of genital HSV-2 in the world! There's a very good chance he has HSV-1. This means much lower transmission chances than you might think and even a chance it is near zero if you have an oral HSV-1 infection yourself!
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