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Kitty123

Just when I thought things were looking up for me....

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Kitty123

Just when I thought things were looking up for me, my NOW Fiancee decides he wants to TYPE UP a questionnaire concerning the affair I had 6 months ago and asks questions like, "What did you do with him? What attracted you to him? Did you give him oral? Did you orgasm?" etc..etc.. I was FLOORED!! But hey - just to amuse him, and keep him happy, I answered them in honesty.

But then one of the questions was, "Do you believe he gave you Herpes"....and it HONESTLY really hurt me! It opened up a new wound for so many reasons. Yes, deep down I know that my affair was the cause of me contracting Herpes, I know this 110%. But on the same side of the coin, MY FIANCEE MADE A CHOICE TO STAY WITH ME knowing that I contracted this virus and ALSO CHOSE to have unprotected sex with me because he loved me and was in this FOR LIFE with me. NOT ONLY THAT - I now have an engagement ring on my finger!!

Where is the meaning of an engagement here? I've done everything to show him that I am sorry. (And really, I am). *I* am the one going to therapy, I am the one that has made it known where I am at all times so he can learn to trust me again.

I'm NOT trying to be selfish here, but it really floored me last night. Not only that - but then he decides that he wants to have sex to 'make it all better' - Uh...no. Not after he gave me the silent treatment!!!

I've told him many times, that I don't want to start resenting him again for reasons (other than the affair)....

He ALWAYS wants sex, and when he doesn't get it - he acts like a child, and will throw the affair in my face!! It's like he's FINE for a while...and then reverts back!! WTF!!!

I try to explain to him, that firstly, we weren't having sex every day even BEFORE THE AFFAIR, so why do you get upset with me when it doesn't happen now? I understand the need to feel adequate, but how do I tell my fiancee that - hey - I'm JUST not in the mood, and it's NOT always about HIM!!??

I can only imagine how difficult it is to be with someone after they've had an affair, but WHY do all that and why take me back if YOU KNOW that you just can't HANDLE IT?!?!? REALLY NOW!!! WHY?!?!?!!?

Ugh. Thanks for listening. I'm just frustrated.

oh...and not only that - this morning...he was all nicey nicey to me. Manipulation? Hmmm....

(..sorry...just so @#$% upset and frustrated)

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FISH61

Why are you marry'n a man you felt the need to cheat on?Sorry but I'm old school!Forwhat ever reason the relationship is trash now,move along and get it rite next time.G

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Kitty123

I appreciate you being old school, but please do not judge me. That's all I am asking.

It was my first time ever doing such a thing, and we had been broken up for only a few days but we were still talking so I really didn't consider it an official breakup, so thats why I classified it as 'cheating'.

Thank you for your response :)

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Denise 07

My thoughts about him wanting to have sex all the time could be that he is concerned that he may not be good in bed for you and that might be why you cheated. This is just my opinion though but men can be so arrogant about being good in bed and this may be why he is acting out. I know that affairs aren't just because of sex the biggest reason is because the other partner isn't being affecionate or listening to them so they find comfort in someone that will listen and be there for them. I'm just thinking that he is feeling very insecure since the affair happened. It is good that you tell him how you feel so that he will get the point. If you keep telling him and he still isn't getting it than it may be time to end things. If you love him and he loves you than maybe he should consider going to counseling with you and trying to fix it. I hope that it all works out for you :)

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FISH61

Sorry if I offended you,But for me personally,once another party enters sexually it's over.You can put a band aid on it but it soon falls off.Not everyone is old school.Glenn

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PeacefulClarity

If You both really love each other, you'll find a way and everything will work out. I used to say "oh if i ever was in a relationship with some one and they cheated on me i would never talk to them again, i don't care if we are married or seriously dating. If some one really loves you they won't EVER hurt you". but now, after certain life experiences i've reshaped my perspective. I understand that sh*t happens and that sometimes people make horrible, painfully foolish decisions (i'm not saying your decision was any of the above) I have made some very bad choices that i wish on everything i could reverse cause my mind was not functioning in a healthy way at that point in my life. I say "everybody makes mistakes, the only thing that defines the good people from the bad people are what the individual does after they make the mistake.". All couples and relationships have their own definitions of what's considered forgivable and unforgivable in relationships.

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gotitsowhat

Postpone the marriage. I was tempted to say, "End the engagement," but, of course, that is up to you. But for heaven's sake, don't get married to a guy who has not let go of your mistake. You made a mistake (although it seems as if the relationship was pretty rocky at the time) and he is having some serious trouble letting go of it. In fact, he seems to be using it. What you described sounded plain bizarre (a questionaire??!! Reminded me of the lie detector test in Meet the Parents) and I strongly suspect he feels both angry and titillated by the idea of you having sex with someone else. There was no good reason for you to feel you had to tell him intimate details about your brief fling; either they would hurt him or, even worse (and this is what I suspect) they would excite and interest him in an unhealthy way. And you having to undergo an interrogation AFTER he had put a ring on your finger is outrageous. I can't imagine why you would put up with it; perhaps guilt over your behavior, which is probably inappropriate guilt since, as you said, it appeared you two did not have a future at the time of your fling.

In other words, I think you are putting up with way too much intimidation, guilt manipulation, humiliation and general bull over this. And he seems to have found another way to use it as well; now you must cater to his sexual needs more frequently, a "price" he's decided you have to pay. Plus bringing it up when he gets mad--do you honestly think that, under the daily long term stress of a marriage, he won't be doing that (plus all the other things he will collect over the years to throw at you).

Please....postpone this marriage. And think about it. Even the herpes virus will never treat you as badly as he is doing.

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Kitty123

Oh I've been considering postponing it. I took off my ring today. And went to fill a prescription of Seroquil. Something I should've done a long time ago to help me cope with this. I can't get rid of the repetitive thoughts.

I have come to the realization that he is using this to torture me. He wants me to feel his pain. That I get. But what I am not willing to tolerate is his sudden shift in personality where he feels he can manipulate me for sex. I was never a highly sexual being before my affair, and I'm certainly not going to change that afterwards.

I am guilt-ridden, grief stricken and when I was given the ring, I thought things were changing. But they are not. I have done everything possible to try and rebuild after infidelity. He is even willing to contract my Herpes from me, which until this day I will never understand. But he says its 'because he loves me'.

Well his behaviour is not love at the moment. He's hurt, and he's really making it known.

its bad enough that I have Herpes that I have to deal with this. And you know something? You ARE right. I was just starting to slowly get over the bitterness of the person who gave me this virus, and now I have to deal with the repercussions too. Just great. Double whammy.

I know what I did was wrong. My heart and mind where not in the right place, and I've never put myself in a situation like that ever before. I can't change the past, but I'm not willing to relive it either.

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smilesandsunshine

Hey there Kitty!

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. It's difficult all the way around. It seems that you two do love each other but you need help to get you through this. Have you considered couples therapy? I know EXACTLY how you feel, you know that if you remember our chat. Best of luck! I wish you the best.

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