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kiwi turtle

I resent him...

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kiwi turtle

I thought I was coming to terms with my diagnosis, but I don't think I'm there yet.

my boyfriend of just a month gave me genital HSV1 via oral. Neither of us knew you could contract genital herpes from coldsores. He did not know he had a coldsore, either (one of those tricky no-symptom ones).

And now..... i resent the heck out of him. I want to yell at him and berate him for what he did to me. This is going to change my life and my view on everything, I know it. The thought of having to tell the next person I sleep with that I have herpes and risk rejection.... it's just something he will NEVER understand.

He is very understanding about it. He feel awful as well. and I appriciate that, but it's just not the same as him KNOWING what I am going through physically and emotionally.

We both hate condoms, that's the reason I'm on BC. But now...we have to use condoms every time. My libido has taken a nosedive, I am afraid to have sex because I don't want to give it to him (secretly I do so I can punish him. Isn't that sad and twisted? :( ). we are both the voice of reason for eachother when the other one wants to go bare skin.

I'm just frustrated and I wish I didn't resent him for this because I'm not sure I can ever forgive him....

(just because I am angry ATM and say I want to give him herpes does not mean I will deliberatly get him infected! so please get off your soap box before you lecture me :) )

/rant.

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slimjim26

Anger only punishes the person who is angry

I know this is the rant section and I can understand your frustrations in more ways than u can imagine, with that being said, being angry and resenting him only causes u pain and causes trouble in the relationship. If u feel u cannot forgive him for something that was not intentional, the only course of action is to be honest and tell him u cannot not let this go and end it with him. I hope u can find the love and happiness in forgiving (what seems like a good man) him.

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Kitty123

I understand that neither of you knew that Oral Herpes could cause genital herpes. I can resonate with you and I truly understand your thought process.

Try to separate KNOWING from NOT knowing for a second.

Judging by your boyfriends actions, which I believe are honest and truly felt, he feels terrible for what he has done *unknowingly* - but think for a second. Even though he didn't see this coming, and even though he didn't feel the coldsore or suspect a coldsore present, I can bet you ANY money he didn't think it would be spread to your genitals. For all you know - he could've thought that oral herpes MEANT oral herpes and thats it. You cannot be mad at someone for being uneducated.

Not only that - just for a BRIEF second - try to step into his shoes. Do you think he did this deliberately? Judging by his actions? I don't think so. I bet he feels just as awful as you do, and GUILT feels LIKE HELL. Like a hell you can't even imagine. It eats you up inside and feels probably just as bad as worrying about "who will sleep with me now"? Oral herpes does not have the stigma attached to it like genital herpes does, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't feel self conscious about it or that he was educated to the point that he thought it would pose a sexual health risk.

I know you are upset. But don't hate him for it. It would be different if he knew and had no regard for your sexual well being, but I don't believe from what you wrote that this is the case.

I've had the same thought process as you many times, but my unfortunate circumstances are very different. My giver KNEW that he had HSV2 and he infected me with it, and denied it and his bullshit lies (now that I think about it) made NO SENSE, and his actions also prove it (AND documentation too). So, if it ended up that my giver didn't know, I would still be upset no doubt, but really after awhile, I would probably start realizing that he probably feels just as guilty as I feel and that it wasn't intentional. But I understand that it doesn't make it any easier.

But in time, from what I hear, it gets easier. I've had HSV2 (which although I don't like to classify it as the 'bad' Herpes, it is known as that) since July 2010. Physically I am coping just fine. Mentally is a different story. IT IS UP TO ME TO DECIDE WHETHER I WANT TO WALLOW IN SELF-PITY. And I choose not to. We will have good and bad days.

....but it could be ALOT worse. Remember that.

Talk to your boyfriend. Try to see his point of view and he will better understand yours. You never know...he could end up being your life partner. But try to sort your feelings out before taking acts of vengeance (even though they are only in your head)

((BIG HUGS)) I am here for you :)

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kiwi turtle

Thanks so much for the replies.

He is very responsible when it comes to his cold sores and made sure i would not kiss him when he had one. like i said, it was one of those ones that didn't present any symptoms until it had popped.

We got the actual conformation today that i have genital HSV-1 and he does feel awful about it. very guilty. I've been the 'rock' in this situation, reassuring him that i don't blame him and accidents happen.

now that my OB is over all of those feelings of resentment have gone away and things have returned to normal. However I am afraid they are going to pop up again next time we have to put our awesome sex life on hold because of another OB.

He is a great man and I absolutely adore him. He is definitely a keeper. We've talked about this through great lengths and i told him my one worry would be that he would break up with me because of it but he's re-assured me that he would not.

thanks for the advice :)

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HOPE IS ALL I HAVE

This is the same situation that happened to me but we broke up shortly after...... I have so much resentment towards him and don't know how to deal with it. I can't stop crying and can't stop thinking about it. I feel the same why you do....But I dealing with it alone. :(

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Tiny

Just a question kiwi: have you stopped kissing him?

The reason that I ask is that the need for you to use condoms just because yours is genital seems odd and a reinforcement that the having the virus on your genitals is worse than you lips--which its not. HSV 1 in the genitals is an unhappy virus--and generally less able to achieve great nastiness. Also if he has HSV 1 on his lips then he has antibodies in his blood...the risk for him to now also get it on his genitals is slim...very, very slim.

In fact given that yours is a recent herpes infection and you have yet to build up antibodies in your blood--you are at more risk for getting it on your lips than he is for getting it on his johnson. In 3 to 6 months when you have built up antibodies the risk will decrease.

Other things to think about, the risk of female to male herpes transmission is 4% per annum--where she has it and he doesn't. Antivirals reduce that by 50%, condoms by 40%....and then there is the fact that HSV1 when genital is in its none preferred site and therefore less virulent...and he had antibodies already. There is a fair bit of evidence out there.

I think it would be a good idea to get more info, and to make an informed choice about whether protection suits you long term. I know for me latex can act as a trigger--which for me out weighs the transmission risk.

Of course you are angry and worried about the consequences...but realistically getting educated will help you. And your libido is not something worth losing.

If you are lucky you may never get a recurrence gHSV1 is none recurrent in 95% of cases--according to the specialist I'm currently seeing (my bad luck...I'm just getting some final confirmatory testing but my specialist is reasonably confident I am in the 5% :-( ). If it does start causing you issues you can get suppressive medication which works very well for most people...in both suppressing obs and lower transmission rates.

I hope you stay outbreak free :-)

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Tiny
This is the same situation that happened to me but we broke up shortly after...... I have so much resentment towards him and don't know how to deal with it. I can't stop crying and can't stop thinking about it. I feel the same why you do....But I dealing with it alone. :(

It will get better as time passes. With any break up ones wounded heart and wounded body needs time to heal.

My herpes came from an extremely abusive person who passed it on to me intentionally as another way to hurt me (apparently I "deserved to suffer").

BUT I won. Because I have learnt to live my life and deal with my herpes independently of the situation that caused it. I can't be angry, that keeps a door in my heart open and allows that person to continue to cause me pain every time I feel a outbreak coming on. Its not healthy. And I know that f I do then he has won. So I closed the door...and my life is better.

When we suffer grief or pain we have a natural process to come to terms with it: we deny it happened, we get angry, we say to ourselves if I do something then this will go away, we become depressed--and when we have done all the hurting we can...our hearts allow us to accept. And hopefully we become better people...more tolerant, more compassionate and more responsible.

Talk, to people here...to a therapist...to a close friend (if you can)...don't let it crush you...deflate the balloon. Talking about it helps it become "normal" in your mind...and puts you on the road to acceptance.

Good luck...and no more tears :-)

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mortmaiden
My boyfriend of just a month gave me genital HSV1 via oral. Neither of us knew you could contract genital herpes from coldsores. He did not know he had a coldsore, either (one of those tricky no-symptom ones).
This happened to me too, although my boyfriend was a nurse and was aware that cold sores could cause genital herpes. So was I, though we both thought you had to have an active outbreak. Like your boyfriend, mine had no symptoms at the time.

And now..... i resent the heck out of him. I want to yell at him and berate him for what he did to me. This is going to change my life and my view on everything, I know it. The thought of having to tell the next person I sleep with that I have herpes and risk rejection.... it's just something he will NEVER understand.
He does have oral herpes, so he does understand your symptoms. He may not be able to feel how it feels to be you in this situation, but I am sure he is well able to see what this is doing to you and feels terrible. My boyfriend really blamed himself, and when I saw how upset it made him that he had infected me, I couldn't resent him, even though I was mad about having herpes. But I didn't feel able to talk to him, because I didn't want to upset him more. I felt really horrible and dirty at first, and scared of how anyone I told in future would react. But actually, it has been fine. The feelings of being dirty receded totally for me. Now I just see it as a little virus, no different from your boyfriend's cold sores. I also stopped feeling angry about having it after the first few months. I adjusted to having it and got over it, and you will to.

We both hate condoms, that's the reason I'm on BC. But now...we have to use condoms every time. My libido has taken a nosedive, I am afraid to have sex because I don't want to give it to him (secretly I do so I can punish him. Isn't that sad and twisted? :( ). we are both the voice of reason for eachother when the other one wants to go bare skin.
Really don't know why you feel like you need to use condoms. Since your boyfriend already has oral hsv-1 as an established infection, he produces antibodies to the hsv-1 virus which should prevent him getting it genitally. It can still happen, but it is very rare.

I am curious - if you had contracted cold sores on your mouth instead, would you now feel the need to abstain from kissing your boyfriend or performing oral sex, even when you had no cold sore? It really is no different.

I stayed with my boyfriend for nearly 7 years after contracting ghsv-1. We had unprotected sex the whole of that time, and he never caught it. We had sex, on numerous occasions, when I had an outbreak, and he never caught it genitally. See below

http://www.herpes.org.uk/faq.html#11

Hope all that helps.

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