Shocked, Devastated, Ashamed

[Zenyatta]

I just found out yesterday that I have HSV-2. I feel broken and dirty and ashamed and I'm having a hard time coping with it. My boyfriend/ex-boyfriend, not really sure what he is at the moment, were together two weeks ago for the first time in two months due to him being out of province working. I sometimes feel sore afterward if it's been a long or slightly rough session and I did this time. I didn't think much of it other than that I was sore and the next day I was sore and itchy. It wasn't until it started burning and stinging that I got concerned and when I saw some sores, I went to the doctor.

I have spent a lot of time crying last night and today. I'm not particularly promiscuous and have never thought I would get an STD. Now I have a permanent one. I told my man immediately afterwards and he came over to talk. He was just as shocked and worried. If he has it he isn't aware. He went today to get tested but the doctor wanted him to give it a few more days since he shows no signs of it. He will go back Monday.

We are on a break/have broken up because of various situations in his life that he has to get back on track. We were together for 7 months. We are still in love, still want to be together, but right now it's best for us not to be. Even though we aren't officially together, we are still seeing each other and have occasionally been intimate.

It hasn't sunk in yet I don't think that this is something that I'm going to have for the rest of my life. I'm so afraid that I'm going to lose him, especially if he's clean and I'm not. Who wants to deal with that for the rest of his life? I know that he loves me and that this isn't a death sentence, but it doesn't feel like that at the moment. I just feel so unclean and broken and afraid that he won't want me anymore.

I've never had anything seriously wrong - never spent a night at the hospital, the worst sickness I've ever had is the flu. I just cannot believe that I have contracted not only an STD, but a permanent one that will make people think that I'm nothing but a ****.

[RealisticGal]

Everything you are feeling right now is very typical when a person is just diagnosed. You are not dirty. You are not shameful. You have a virus that many others around you also have. Anyone can get it. It has nothing to do with promiscuity. There are members here who acquired herpes from their first partner who was their newly-wedded spouse.

Those feelings of shame are simply because of a stupid stigma that has been built up around what is, after all, just a virus --- not unlike chickenpox or the flu.

You know, that stigma is fairly recent. One member here recently noted that it didn't exist until after acyclovir was invented.

When I went through sex education as a kid, they didn't even consider herpes worth mentioning.

This virus has been around for thousands of years, but only recently has it become "a big deal."

Did you know that about 80% of the North American population has oral herpes? Oral herpes, what we call cold sores or fever blisters, it's the same thing...caused by the same virus...herpes simplex. But the stupid stigma is directed at the same exact virus when it infects the genital area. There is very little concern when a person has "cold sores" on their face.

Did you know that about 70% of those who have herpes do not know it? There is a really good chance that your boyfriend has one type or the other (HSV1 or HSV2) without any symptoms. In fact, the fact that the doctor made him wait for testing simply shows that the doctor is not very knowledgeable about herpes testing. He should have given him the proper blood tests right away.

I'm sorry your relationship is in flux at the moment. That just makes it even more stressful, which you don't need. At least it sounds like you are on fairly good terms and should be able to expect his support in this new situation.

Here's a little article I want to share with you. It should help you see that how you are feeling right now is normal, but that with education about the real nature of herpes you should get over those feelings.

I Was Ashamed of My Herpes Until I Found Out...

Hope that helps. Learning more about herpes should help too. The links on the right side of this page are a great resource for learning. >>>>>>

[wonderfulone]

i also just found out.. and im hurting. really bad.. i actually came to this site to find people that i can talk to about this.. that can help me deal with the pain.. im seriously thinking about heading to the er. but im scared they will laugh if they cant help me.. i guess im scared that they will say it serves me right. but i dont know im in so much pain i dont care i need help.. i dont know if i have had it for a long time or just got it now. i read on the cdc website that i could have had it for a long time. i have noticed in the past that i have been sore also after sex but never gave it a second thought. now i have the sores and it hurts terrible. im sure there is something out there that can help ... ANYTHING =) please help me.. i know i sound desperate .. im sorry im sure im not the first person to sound desperate here on this site. im just really scared. i dont know anyone else that has this disease and nobody to talk too ... this is the first place i came to.

[Zenyatta]

Thank you for your response, RealisticGal, it helps to know everyone feels the same shock that I'm feeling. The funny thing is that if it is my man who passed it unknowingly to me, I don't feel those ways about him: that he's dirty or broken. I wonder why that is? I'm feeling a bit better today. At least, I don't fee like crying constantly like I did yesterday and am able to function at work for the most part.

At this point I'm thinking about the future. I've been needing to change my lifestyle for a while in regards to eating better, sleeping (I have horrible insomnia), exercising and controlling my stress (I stress very easily)

. This has been to help my ADHD, but I guess I have even more reason to now. I'm still extremely worried about what this will do to my relationship, but I will have to cross that bridge when it comes. I'm also scared because I read that people with HSV are three times more likely to contract HIV.

I will be posting a questions thread and reading more when I get home from work tonight.

Wonderfulone - I know exactly how you feel and am sending some virtual hugs.

[package deal]

what your feeling is very normal. everyone feels that way when they first learn they have herpies. the shock , feeling ashamed and dirty are normal thing but guess what and listen to me good.

YOU DONE NOTHING WRONG to be ashamed of only the person who gave it to you should be ashamed. YOU ARE NOT DIRTY. You are the same person you were before herpies. You are not nothing but.... your a human being who gotton a perment std through no fault of her own

beleive it or not there be a man out there worthy of you. One thing herpies does is weed out the bad ones. You are a fine decent human being. crying is normal too who would not be crying over this

there info on side board for you to read and we are here for you

[PeacefulClarity]

WonderfulOne and Zenyetta , it is okay to feel hurt. You are not alone. I also feel your anguish. Your diagnosis is new and your mind is trying to adjust to a new reality, one that includes herpes. you were you before you got herpes. Now you are a WISER you. It DOES NOT serve you right and you do not deserve what happened. One of my professors always told us that discussions focusing on STDs should not deflect by blaming a persons morale character. Instead STD discussions should focus on the fact, most importantly, that the virus ITSELF is in existence, it is NOT the persons fault that the virus exists. Instead we should learn from and embrace the victims. Blame and cure the virus. You have all the worlds support on these forums, just log in whenever and let us know how you are doing.

[RealisticGal]

Thank you for your response, RealisticGal, it helps to know everyone feels the same shock that I'm feeling. The funny thing is that if it is my man who passed it unknowingly to me, I don't feel those ways about him: that he's dirty or broken. I wonder why that is? I'm feeling a bit better today. At least, I don't fee like crying constantly like I did yesterday and am able to function at work for the most part.

Maybe the way you see your man is because you love him, and you believe he would never have knowingly passed herpes to you.

Whereas, the reason you might feel badly about yourself is because you are scared. You are worried about how he will see you. You are afraid he will believe the stupid stigma about herpes.

It is a very normal reaction. And look there, you are already starting to adapt to the situation.

[olivia2008]

I feel your pain. I just got diagnosed last week. It is awful. Right now I am having good moments and bad moments, but my husband has been very understanding. He is going to get tested also. I know I'm a good person and you are, too. From what I am hearing, this might not be that big of a deal in the long run. We just need to figure out how to treat it. We need to get over our outbreaks, read up on H (it's hard for me to say the word, besides I'm not saying it out loud because my 2 year old imitates everything I say), and change our lifestyles (like how healthy we eat, getting more sleep, and reducing stress). Good luck on your relationship. I feel like my marriage needs work also, but now I have an added reason to really make things work!

[Tiny]

I'm also scared because I read that people with HSV are three times more likely to contract HIV.

Only if you sleep with people with HIV.

I am South African and HIV is a huge problem there...generally it is good to get in a habit of going for a full STD screening with any potential long term partner (which I did when I was there...once I left I got a bit slack and ended up with herpes...which wasn't even talked about there as an STD!). Testing is the best way to know what you are dealing with...to keep yourself and your future partners safe. Right now I get frequent outbreaks...every 6 weeks when I'm not on suppressive...of what my specialist is reasonably sure is gHSV1...he pointed out to me that not knowing my sexual partners status puts me at risk of getting more herpes (and seeing as my body is clearly stupid when it comes to fighting off herpes...I really don't want that!)

I am applying for a loyal customer card at the local STD clinic from now on...if any man who wants to be with me can't handle a little prick then he can pack up his little prick!

[Tiny]

We need to get over our outbreaks, read up on H (it's hard for me to say the word, besides I'm not saying it out loud because my 2 year old imitates everything I say), and change our lifestyles (like how healthy we eat, getting more sleep, and reducing stress).

Here's one for you...glitter is like the herpes of the craft world (you just can't get rid of it!)...how about just calling it glitter

Also don't forget there is a natural process we have to go through when dealing with a tragedy/grief...I know that many people wouldn't consider herpes a tragedy but it does force you to reevaluate and change your life. Those steps are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model). This normally relates to dealing with death or a terminal illness but it seems like many of the stages are the same. I know I went through them and it seems like a lot of other people do to. It will take time...but at least you know there is an end point.

Stay strong.

[Zenyatta]

Thank you all for the replies. I'm still feeling fairly drained and upset, but i think the blind, uncontrollably crying, self-pity, miserable, helplessness is done at least for now.

only the person who gave it to you should be ashamed

If it's my man that passed it to me, then he has no reason to be ashamed, nor do I have reason to be angry with him. He doesn't know he has it, if he does. He was just as shocked and just as worried and upset as I am - for me at first, but also for himself. He was very good to me the night I told him.

I'm trying to adjust and trying to get to the point where I can feel like the same person, only with a virus. I'm not there yet. I feel different, I feel like my entire reality has shifted Matrix-style. I'm looking at everything differently and thinking differently. Everything seems coloured with this.

It feels like a terminal illness, though I know it isn't. It's hard to wrap my head around the "rest of my life" aspect. I just can't seem to do it yet.

[Zenyatta]

I think I've already got my second outbreak...yay me! There's a bump that looks like an ingrown hair or a pimple that i noticed last night, and my hand brushed against it accidentally a few minutes ago and it's bigger. It doesn't hurt and it's along my hair line where I shave, but it's been weeks since I have. I also seem a bit swollen and irritated Wonderful.

[wonderfulone]

olivia... you said your married. how are you telling your partner.. i have been with a man for 5 years. what do i do.???

[chickiebabe]

I identify with everything said here and i am also in a world of pain right now.

We married, our marriage got in trouble so we thought we'd try to fix it (some fix it with babies) with Swinging with the agreement always to be safe. We were having a blast. I made guys use condoms 100% of the time. We were christians so we have that added pain of not being able to tell any of our friends or family. I'm terrified that i will/have passed it on to my husband. I'm also terrified that he hasn't got it in a way, he said it would be easier if he did. I don't think he does. I'm pretty sure about how/when/where i contracted it as i tested clear 4 months ago and i would just like to stop crying. I made so many friend in the swinging world. I'm confused about my standing before God as the two aren't compatable. I can't swing anymore because i could never put my dear friends in danger and we're now trying to fix our relationship before it's completely destroyed. I'm so sorry i can't be of help to you. I'm only 2 days in myself and still devestated. xx Chickie

[Zenyatta]

I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain. What do you mean the two aren't compatible? God and Herpes? Whyever would you think that? I'm not Christian, but I cannot imagine you would go to hell for getting a disease.

It does get better, Chickie, every day gets easier. I'm at the point now where I am processing and looking at what's next. This forum has been a great help.

[wonderfulone]

olivia.. how did you tell your husband? and now im on like day 4 or 5 and im doing much better.. i have found somethings to help deal with the pain.. and im doing better.. just got out of the bath tub right now.. EPSON SALTS are my new best friend. and dermoplast spray also drink plenty of water cause it dilutes your urnine and it wont burn so much. take pain meds and relax.. ok now i need to tell my fience before he finds out this really was not a uti i have. =( wonder how he will take it ... anyone ???

[RealisticGal]

now i need to tell my fience before he finds out this really was not a uti i have. =( wonder how he will take it ... anyone ???

We certainly don't know how your guy will take it, and you won't know either, until you do it.

If you make a big deal of it and get all weepy and upset, he is likely to be upset too. The presentation tends to affect the way the person getting the information reacts to it.

So do your best to be calm and informative. Just tell him exactly what happened, that the symptoms you thought were a UTI turned out to be caused by the herpes simplex virus, the same thing that causes cold sores on the face.

Be prepared with information to answer questions he will have.

Keep in mind that there is a good chance he has it and gave it to you, in which case he shouldn't be upset at you. And even if he doesn't have herpes, he has no right to be upset about something you did not know about until now. Either one of you might have potentially come into the relationship with herpes --- it's a sneaky bastard of a virus.

Now that you do know, you are going to tell him. The bottom line is that you are doing the right thing. You can be sure of that. If he reacts badly, that's on him, not you.

[chickiebabe]

Thank you Zenyatta honey, no i know my place in heaven is secure, he's not that fickle that he just takes it away because you do something he doesn't approve of it's just I'm having trouble with what i did to get it. I'm a christian, i'm not supposed to swing and on the other hand we all know that we all make bad choices even christians. What's more i LOVED swinging, i had a blast. I met amazing people and i'm kind of in a confused state, knowing that my faith and my fun are not compatable. Well my fun is gone now and my faith still remains but i feel bad that i mourn my fun. I had the best fun of my life, i'll admit it. I miss my friends, i miss the parties, i miss the open attitude toward sex, i miss feeling desirable. I hope you're well darling. Sorry to bring you down

[Zenyatta]

You didn't bring me down, don't worry. I understand what you meant now.

I'm doing a lot better. This weekend I went from feeling like everything was over to almost completely accepting it. I am feeling much better about it. While I'm still upset that I have it, there is nothing I can do. Now my goal is to reduce my stress so that I don't, hopefully, get as many outbreaks and learn as much as I can so that I can be as healthy as possible with it. I'm very glad that I found this forum!

[htimsl]

From an old timer I can offer you some friendly advice.. don't panic, learn the facts and deal with the facts... I was diagnosed 15 yrs ago... managed to get married, have 2 kids and never gave it to them or to my wife. If you're able to do so, use valtrex or something to manage outbreaks and yes, take better care of yourself... read up on it, understand it and work from there.. valtrex helped me alot in the early years. I only get about one outbreak a year now and it's barely noticable... it will take time, be patient with yourself...

PS... the reason someone with HSV is more likely to contract HIV is because if you have sex with someone with HIV during an outbreak of HSV the HIV virus has easy access into your system... unless you suddenly find yourself doing all the other things that expose you to HIV, I wouldn't worry to much about that statistic.

[chickiebabe]

Zenyatta, i think we're at similar places perhaps right now. The constant feeling of panic, shame, stupidity and mourning are subsiding for me now. I only cried twice yesterday and only for a second before i got a grip. The two days before i cried everytime i tried to speak and even when i wasn't speaking. Now i say "well, there is nothing i can do about this now. No point in regrets. Move onward, be happy again. Wait for hubbies tests to come back, work on the marriage. You are the same person you always were" This morning he kissed me twice, this is a huge sign that things might just be ok between us. Those kisses were so precious, i was worried he'd never want to touch me again. His test results come back in 24 hours and he said it would be easier/simpler if he came up positive too because then we could make love again without giving it a second thought. Of course i don't wish that on him, but he's always pragmatic, can't help himself Hope you're feeling better today Zenyatta. We will be happy again. xx Me

[wonderfulone]

just found out... its hsv 1 i guess i have this. i am feeling much better today.. but ug i got my period. so i guess i knock the both out at once. haha. i got pain meds for it yesterday finally.. as i said earlier my dr is a bit slow on helping me deal with the pain. i have soaking like its cool in epson salts still.. it does help. my fience knows we have this now. and is quite ok with it all. im so happy we can move on with our lifes. HE IS WONDERFUL!!!! he actually said lets get married lol .. but i dont want to do that just because im sick. that would be a horrible way to start our lifes. but he is good to me and my children.

i really want to be helpful to anyone that is newly diagnosed with this.. i know how hard it was the first couple of days and how much pain i was in.. if anyone needs help just ask me. i know there are alot of people that have had it longer then me. but im sooooo thankful i found this site.

the best advise i can give is .. epson salts dermaplast and running water when your peeing. soak it as much as you can in a epsom salt bath. dont be afraid.. RELAX.

my best friend is a ob nurse. she told me "ITS NOT A DEATH SENTANCE"

[Joyous Calm]

I felt the same devastation as you are feeling when I got it 10 years ago. you are probably not much in the mood right now to absorb harsh hard facts but it's important to know and may help you focus even while you are overwhelmed. first if your boyfriend's test comes back negative it really doesn't mean much if he just caught it. a test in 6 months will tell the real truth. That was my personal experience.

Second it is true that they say it can lie dormant in you for decades before manifesting itself. However, I think you should consider in a rational and unsentimental way that you caught it from your boyfriend who caught it while he was out of the province. This may be hard to accept, I don't know about your relationship. but that is most likely the way you got it. you didn't mention if you used condoms but make sure you use them from now on. it's nothing against him but there are worse things he could catch and give you in the future.

you are going to be emotional and upset for a while; just make sure you don't make things worse for yourself while you may not be thinking clearly.

[Zenyatta]

Joyous Calm, I'm sorry that you obviously caught this disease as a result of a cheating partner, but I have never had a reason to doubt my man's faithfulness to me. I am not emotional and upset and I am thinking clearly. His test did come back negative and if he were to have cheated on me and given this to me, he has been back for nearly two months. I don't see how the test results would come back negative at this point if he had it. I know that many people catch it because their SO cheated, but that is not the case in my situation. I appreciate that you are trying to help me, but accusing a man you don't know of being unfaithful simply because he was working out of province (and staying with his family) and my disease decided to show itself now is unfair, don't you think?

[RealisticGal]

Joyous Calm, I'm sorry that you obviously caught this disease as a result of a cheating partner, but I have never had a reason to doubt my man's faithfulness to me. I am not emotional and upset and I am thinking clearly. His test did come back negative and if he were to have cheated on me and given this to me, he has been back for nearly two months. I don't see how the test results would come back negative at this point if he had it. I know that many people catch it because their SO cheated, but that is not the case in my situation. I appreciate that you are trying to help me, but accusing a man you don't know of being unfaithful simply because he was working out of province (and staying with his family) and my disease decided to show itself now is unfair, don't you think?

Absolutely!

In fact, a lot of folks here have suspected that the new diagnosis of herpes meant just that --- that their partner had been unfaithful.

I always suggest to folks who are having such thoughts that, unless they have other reasons besides herpes to be suspicious, then they should not jump to conclusions simply because of that. We all know about the dormancy factor, and how confusing that can make the whole situation.

What really irks me is hearing stories of medical folks telling their patients that their partner "must have cheated." Seriously? How is that even a little bit appropriate???

Herpes simplex is a sneaky little bastard of a virus. That doesn't mean that the person you have placed your trust in is also sneaky. It would be really sad if a good relationship got ruined because of this sort of misinformation.