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BlueDolphin

Do you tell? be honest....

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BlueDolphin

Newly single *divorced* with herpes... permanently...sounds kind of sucky to be new single with an std but i'm doing ok. I know there's more people out there with it then they admit which makes me more comfortable. I'm not rushing to get back into bed with someone (although that would be nice... gosh i miss rebound sex)...

Ok so honest question for everyone, do you ALWAYS tell the people you sleep with that you have herpes BEFORE sex? Or do you only have sex when your not breaking out? Do you have friends with herpes who don't tell partners?

i know it's kind of personal... but i knew a girl who didn't tell her partners. She would have break outs, but she never got tested (i guess it's that in denial thing. a doctor never diagnosed her therefor she can ignore the truth or whatever). I knew another girl who had it and was VERY open about it, she stunned me with how confident she was with herself. Made me SOOO excited to jump up and tell her "I HAVE IT TOO"...

So those are just some examples of scenerios i've been around with people in my same situation...

your turn.... :)

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QDogg
(although that would be nice... gosh i miss rebound sex)...

lol i love that

sometimes i tell, sometimes i don't. it is what it is. its about where your mind is at. you'll mostly get the responses you'd expect, to this question here. but when it comes down to it, i say go with what works best for you.

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Tiny

I've told all the sexual partners (about 5) I've had since having herpes...sometimes before getting intimate other times afterwards...it depends on the circumstances. For a long time I was under the misimpression that I wasn't infectious when I wasn't having out breaks as that was what I was told by my GP. But on valtrex the risk is tiny...so it does seem fair to tell. One guy I didn't tell for 3 years (we were involved casually and only saw each other once a year)...when we started getting more serious and when I did he was more upset that I hadn't told him than he was about me having herpes! Other than that not a single one of those men ran at the mention of herpes...

But about 50% of the times I got all freaked out about telling (I have suspected ghsv1...I'm the the middle of a typing debacle--its a long story)...only to have my partner say "oh, I get cold sores" (apparently without feeling the need to tell before kissing...aaaargh...peoples attitudes!)

Because of that I am redefining myself as the poster girl for herpes. I think there are still some confused young men who were just trying to score and ended up get the whole "herpes positive" pitch ;-). Having got herpes from oral sex I am on a mission to make people realise hsv 1 is not the "good herpes"...its just herpes!

Good luck with your new life...and dating. For me I feel that I have had a better sex life since getting herpes...I am more careful about who I sleep with and see sex more seriously rather than just as instant gratification (but I agree, I do definitely still occasionally miss rebound sex ;-) --hey, what about one of the herpes dating websites...for the casual sex fix!)

:-)

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qwertyjez

No I don't tell, and to explain why, I'll paste a previous post of mine:

How many people have you kissed in your lifetime? And I include kissing your distant aunt goodbye.

Of all those people that you kissed, how many took you by the arm, led you into an empty room, shut the door and said "before I kiss you, I must warn you............. I have Herpes!"

None! I hear you say! Why is that??? 8 out of 10 of those people had it!!!

Could it be because, although cold sores are the exact same condition as GH, we don't feel the social stigma attached to it purely because it affects our mouths and not our genitals? If this is the reason, then it highlights further the ridiculous double standards associated with this very minor skin condition!

Without wanting to sound xenophobic, you Americans are completely lost within the paradox that GH is far worse than cold sores and therefore deserves a different approach to dealing with it.

In answer to your question, No, I do not think you should bother with the talk! A controversial opinion on these pages I know, but luckily for me, I'm from the UK and can therfore appreciate the condition for what it actually is and not what you lot have built it up to be.

I don't have sex during an OB, in the same way that people with cold sores don't tend to kiss during an OB!

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RealisticGal

My take on it:

Not telling is taking the choice out of your potential partner's hands. It seems to imply that you believe you have the right to make the choice for them. Doesn't matter if an outbreak is happening or not, nor how many precautions you take, because you know there is always some chance of transmission.

If you give others a choice, by disclosing without making a big deal of it, many will take the chance. I am one such person and there are many others out here. Sure, some will decide not to, but folks get turned down for all sorts of other reasons every day.

To me, not telling ahead of time is simply selfish and cowardly. I respect my guy so much more because he had honesty, integrity and respect/concern for me. He told me and allowed me to make that choice. I know it wasn't easy for him, but he did it.

Quite frankly, because he told me, I consider him the "safest" partner I could have. Why? Because I know his status. With anyone else, I might not. Another man might not know he had herpes. Or he might have it but not tell. Or he might lie and say he was clear, fully knowing he had herpes. But with this guy, I know. And because of that, I have learned a bit more about his character too.

If it had gone differently, had he not told me until afterward, I can tell you that my feelings for him would have altered radically --- and NOT for the better! I would have been pissed that he lied by omission, and most likely I would have been "done."

I will also say that if I do acquire herpes, and if I then find myself no longer with this man, my policy will be to tell any potential intimate partners prior to becoming intimate --- always.

Just a little peek into how it might feel to be on the other side of the fence.

:wavey:

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hardknocks

Because of that I am redefining myself as the poster girl for herpes. I think there are still some confused young men who were just trying to score and ended up get the whole "herpes positive" pitch ;-). Having got herpes from oral sex I am on a mission to make people realise hsv 1 is not the "good herpes"...its just herpes!:-)

I am right there with you-- figure I might as well makes something positive out of this-- will consider myself a middle age dating sex education provider! I have several great male friends that I have shared with already. And my other goal is to better educate our health care providers after having heard 3 cases of people who asked to be tested for everything and weren't.

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package deal

being that it was my ex-bf who had hberpies 2 who decided to rob me of the right to know and to decide for myself and gave me herpies, YES YES AND YES

I think it irresponsible not to tell a potential partner whether it a one night stand or a relationship. A person has a right to know in advance of a person having herpies

herpies is greatly spread by fools who decide not to tell. in my opion a person who knows they have herpies and does not tell is a danger towards anyone they meet.

we all got herpies by someone who did not know or choose not to tell. Do you remmber how you felt? The betral?

i would always tell before hand. there is no excuse for one not telling.

i have no respect for a person who deliberly withhold that info

Personally i decided noone will get herpies from me. I have choosen not to ever have sex or be in a relationship because even if the person i wanted to be with was willing to take a chance I am not willing. I could not live with myself with any respect or without guilt of someone getting herpies from me.

This is my personnel choice.

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elmerette

I have not been intimate with anyone since my giver, but I do feel very strongly on this issue. I don't feel that I have the right to take an informed choice away from anyone else. I don't know what I would have done had my giver known she had it, but being able to choose would be nice.

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PeacefulClarity

I think, just like everyone should know their own STD status. Everyone should also be informed of their partners STD status. I can see how herpes may not seem like or even truly be a big deal because we all know our lives are not over just because we have it. I can remember being on the unsuspecting victim side of the "don't tell" method and it hurt alot to be deceived. I also know that the guilt of having potentially infected someone is too heavy a guilt for my conscience to carry so from the common cold, to herpes i will always give the other person the opportunity to choose.

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darkangel2100

I have GH and I do always tell... well there's only been one since the guy who gave it to me, and if I hadn't told him (on date #2) and been upfront he wouldn't be my fiance right now. It is hard to disclose your status but it is worth giving them the choice. I also feel you can't make their choice for them, I would always give them the choice I did not have.

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NYCE

I didn't tell until my current relationship. He saw the Lysine, figured it out and approached me (at that point we had only been dating for a few months and had been intimate). He was upset, but admitted he probably wouldn't have stuck around if he had known. We both could have missed out on a great relationship because of a terrible misconception about what it means to be with someone who has this. I don't think it's something you should say on a first date, but I would probably find a way to tell your prospective partner in a way that also explains it's not who you are.

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Sunshine2you

If I didn't already have herpes and I got the virus from one of you who DID know and didn't tell me, I would be pissed as all hell. It doesn't matter what country you live in, what "works best for you," or what percentage of the population already has herpes (oral or genital). What matters is that you are grown-up and considerate enough to be honest with your partner about your sexual health before you sleep with him/her. Put yourself in the other person's shoes, even if you have to go back to the day you were first diagnosed. Herpes may not be a big deal to some people, but for some of us, it is.

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RealisticGal
If I didn't already have herpes and I got the virus from one of you who DID know and didn't tell me, I would be pissed as all hell. It doesn't matter what country you live in, what "works best for you," or what percentage of the population already has herpes (oral or genital).

True --- those things are nothing but rationalizations for selfish behavior. JMO

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qwertyjez
being that it was my ex-bf who had hberpies 2 who decided to rob me of the right to know and to decide for myself and gave me herpies, YES YES AND YES

I think it irresponsible not to tell a potential partner whether it a one night stand or a relationship. A person has a right to know in advance of a person having herpies

herpies is greatly spread by fools who decide not to tell. in my opion a person who knows they have herpies and does not tell is a danger towards anyone they meet.

we all got herpies by someone who did not know or choose not to tell. Do you remmber how you felt? The betral?

i would always tell before hand. there is no excuse for one not telling.

i have no respect for a person who deliberly withhold that info

Personally i decided noone will get herpies from me. I have choosen not to ever have sex or be in a relationship because even if the person i wanted to be with was willing to take a chance I am not willing. I could not live with myself with any respect or without guilt of someone getting herpies from me.

This is my personnel choice.

Wow, what a martyr you are. I'd like a poster of you on my living room wall.

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kmeredith

I have always told any guy I have slept with that I have it, because I feel it is their right to know. I currently am casually seeing this guy, and one night things happened and I didn't tell him. I feel really guilty now because I feel as if I need to tell him- I just don't know how to at this point. Any advice?

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RealisticGal
I have always told any guy I have slept with that I have it, because I feel it is their right to know. I currently am casually seeing this guy, and one night things happened and I didn't tell him. I feel really guilty now because I feel as if I need to tell him- I just don't know how to at this point. Any advice?

I find that the best approach in most cases is to simply come right out and tell the truth. Don't make it into a big weepy scene, but just tell him that you made a mistake. Tell him you allowed yourself to be swept away by the moment, when you would normally have waited until after you disclosed.

Apologize. Sincerely. And be ready with good, solid information to answer his questions.

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mikj

How long did you have herpes without sympton. I've been with my partner for 8 years and he assures me that he hasn't cheated but now i'm having all the symptoms that point at it being herpes!!

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Tiny
How long did you have herpes without sympton. I've been with my partner for 8 years and he assures me that he hasn't cheated but now i'm having all the symptoms that point at it being herpes!!

If he has asymptomatic herpes then you could have caught it from him even if he never showed symptoms--or has his last outbreak as a child. My GP was telling me about a patient he had whose partner last had an OB ten years ago and she has only just started showing symptoms. There are people who have been married 20 or 30 years. I read a story about a 70 years old woman who got symptoms for the first time and her partner had been dead 20 years!

If his test comes back positive either of you could have brought it into the relationship...you will never know. What it comes down to is whether you have any other justifiable reason for suspicion.

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mortmaiden
No I don't tell, and to explain why, I'll paste a previous post of mine:

How many people have you kissed in your lifetime? And I include kissing your distant aunt goodbye.

Of all those people that you kissed, how many took you by the arm, led you into an empty room, shut the door and said "before I kiss you, I must warn you............. I have Herpes!"

None! I hear you say! Why is that??? 8 out of 10 of those people had it!!!

Could it be because, although cold sores are the exact same condition as GH, we don't feel the social stigma attached to it purely because it affects our mouths and not our genitals? If this is the reason, then it highlights further the ridiculous double standards associated with this very minor skin condition!

Without wanting to sound xenophobic, you Americans are completely lost within the paradox that GH is far worse than cold sores and therefore deserves a different approach to dealing with it.

In answer to your question, No, I do not think you should bother with the talk! A controversial opinion on these pages I know, but luckily for me, I'm from the UK and can therfore appreciate the condition for what it actually is and not what you lot have built it up to be.

I don't have sex during an OB, in the same way that people with cold sores don't tend to kiss during an OB!

I'm also from the UK - from Lancashire - and I agree. I have genital hsv-1. So what? Over 70% of UK adults do too. I refuse to stigmatise myself anymore by telling everyone I have "genital herpes" when so many adults are walking around with the exact same virus and not informing their partners because they just have "cold sores". All my current boyfriend knows is that I have a history of "cold sores" - I didn't specify where - and that I haven't had one in a couple of years though I get them when stressed. We've been together a year, and have unprotected sex. If I ever get another outbreak, I may tell him, but I may just pretend I've got thrush.

I've told men the truth in the past, partners and prospective partners. I got a couple of men tell me they get cold sores and accept it was the same thing, then not be at all bothered. Another just brushed it aside like it wasn't important. The friends I've told have just said that at first they thought "ew" but once I explained it was the same as cold sores and that I got it from a steady partner, they were ok with that and would be ok with that in a partner. I wonder if these horrendous reactions are more of an American thing, or more common among the very young.

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AppreciateQadar

what would yo mama say!?

I don't know where to start besides DO NOT say its not as serious or the same thing when I say ...

Would u smoke while u are pumping gas ?

When's the last time u heard of anyone blowing up cuz they were smoking whole pumping gas?

Not many but that doesn't mean go ahead and smoke cuz what are the chances ... At the end of the day you must ask urself how responsible are u ? It's not the point on percentages of ppl who already have it and the likeness of passing it if u take the precautions . The point is are u willing to be ignorant and contribute to a disease that's spreading all across the world !? Literally ,don't make it seem its less than what it is ,at the end of the day its a disease that infects 1 out of every 4/5 ppl ...so would u play the blind eye and turn that number to 1 out of 2 ??

That's the same thing as when someone who sells drugs says " they gonna get it from somebody ,so I rather it be me ,or I might as well..and put that money in my pocket " . It's the same thing ,ppl who sell drugs to their relatives and loved ones ,say that same thing . Its just justifying somethn that is clearly the wrong choice . I don't mean to offend anyone but if u choose to live as if u don't have a incurable std and spread it ,ur not part of the solution ,ur apart of the problem.

Ask urself would u sell drugs because the government is bringing it in and its everywhere so u can't stop it so might as well get money ?

Or a person is raped idk how many per minute or whatever but let's say every 8 minutes so I might as well ?

Or might as well dump my garbage in the gulf or ocean ,it already has billions of gallons of oil in it ...?

I wouldn't think so, but the fact is ,a disease that affects the world in this matter should be taken seriously and not brushed off by not telling a person u want to be intimate with ,especially if u "love" this person !

I'm sorry for a lengthy post but I've been a member of this site for less than a week I think and seen more posts of ppl sayn they wouldn't tell and having ignorant excuses and being apart of the problem ,than I've seen positive posts on helping eachother out and ways to grow healthier not only mentally ,emotionally ,but as ppl or persons with ideas ,and actions to contribute to society and the world as a whole.

And as for my opinion on the matter ,if u really love the person and they are 100% not yet hsv positive ,than u would make the decision for them and not date them ,and not be sexually active with them.

1: If they feel they would want to because of love ,they are not thinking rationally and clearly .

2: and if they already are in love to this point where they would risk their health ,u weren't honest early enough in the relationship by letting things get this far ,and that's not fair .

But I know there's many situations that would be different but its the question asked that I'm answering ,not all or specific situations that I'm intending it towards.

That's my opinion tho , and I feel if waiting for marriage is out of ones scope ,then date only ppl who are hsv positive also . To not only eliminate the spreading of it but lowering the spreading as a whole . To feel good about the sacrifices ur making to contribute to the health of the future . God willing ..

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6879760

Appreciate, are you basically saying that people who are positive should only date people who are positive? And that if someone who is negative wants to date someone who is positive, they're not thinking clearly or rationally? Point number two really doesn't make sense either..

Love really is blind. If I was negative and cared about someone who had it, I'd date them regardless. This disease doesn't define people, because it sure as hell doesn't define me. I'm still the happy-go-lucky, outgoing, friendly, humorous person I was before, Herpes hasn't robbed me of that. Why should I limit myself to who I can care about? That, to me, isn't fair.

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AppreciateQadar

I said its my opinion and the reasons were not to spread it . And I said there's many situations that things happen a certain way and I'm not speaking on those ,such as if u were with someone ,didn't know and a year in to the relationship u had an outbreak or he or she did ,I'm not sayn leave the person ,I understand it and u both as supporters of eachother should support each other .

I was speaking on those ppl who act like nothn and continue to have sex with out telling the person is not fair ,and is not responsible and its contributing to the problem . Do u agree ?

And that's just a solution I was stating in the points such as if everyone who was + with every specific std or contagious disease would only date eachother would eventually stop the spreading and cure ourselves through time . Do u agree ?

It would take time because of children being born but eventually right?

Not saying its going to happen ,ppl fall in love and that's dope ,especially for the person to accept it and support you . Oh and i see how u may say it don't make sense ,2 was sayn if one let the relationship go to the point where love was a factor ,before sayn anything ,waited too long to say anything so like u said love is blind so that's the same as "not seeing clearly " and its that much tougher a decision . Do u agree?

And I wasn't speaking on all situations and also when I ask do u agree ,I'm meaning the concept . I'm not trying to change what u believe or to accept it as ur thoughts ,just the concept ,ur opinion is ur opinion.

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AppreciateQadar

Oh and I'm happy that ur happy :) ,and to answer the question a little further ,its not limiting who u can care about all together ,its also so both of u have the same understanding and sensitivity to eachother by knowing exactly eachother situation and what eachother is going through... and it always helps when u don't have to have the h talk ... both in the same boat can paddle together if that makes sense ;)

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phoenixlove

Do what you feel is the right thing. I found out i had ghsv2 right out of my marriage,I have no idea how I got it only took me 20 min to call my last partners that they should get checked(including my x-husband),I called them because I had no question in my mind that I had to.I am one who lives beliving in karma so I don't think I could live with the lie myself. I also have a boyfriend of only 4 mo. and had unprotected sex with him during the outbreak when I thought it was just a uti. I went to his house right away sat down and as realistic said very prepared with answers and faking self confidence and stregth I told him right away.He was so good and said it was his choice and he stayed with me..what sucks is that just two days ago he had his first outbreak and I feel so guilty because I didn't know I was having the first stage of an ob when I am sure he contracted it from me.He still loves me even more and It is nice to not live a lie and days like today when I am in the middle of an ob again, he takes care of me..soooo after my long winded story you must ask yourself "could I really expose another human to this and feel ok about it?" if you can that is ok,dont let people judge that. I do have to say that we have our own individual responsabiliy to protect ourselves and if we don't it was our choice anyway.You should always go into sex thinking you could get something so you protect yourself. Sex is risky, we all know that. I AM SURE if you really put some heart and soul into the decision the right answer will come to you! Sending you all my stregth to a happy and loving future! ( i know, even with a condom you can get it) NAMESTA' :)

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6879760

Sorry if I came off a little strong, I was just confused as to what you meant by that is all.

And you're right, your opinion is definitely your opinion and that's great about sites like these that allow you to speak your mind and learn something knew you might not have known before. I definitely agree that you should always disclose before becoming intimate. My partner decided to not inform me, and it took me a long, long time before I could accept it fully. I would never put a person through what I went through. I'm not worried about as worried about giving it to someone who has accepted that risk - but I would make sure they knew what exactly they were getting into before having sex any ways.

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