afraid of ending up alone

[Doubting]

It's been about a year since I found out that I have herpes, and despite being in therapy, i cant seem to come to terms with having it. I feel ashamed and scared. I know that I wasn't promiscuous, but there is a stigma attached to having an STD. I'm currently seeing someone who knows about the virus, but i've basically decided that if things don't work out that's it for me. I don't want the possibility of rejection from having to open up to someone else about this and being judged. I want so much to just be with someone and build a life together but i feel like it's going to be just a wish

[thereismoretome]

hi are you still there?

hi, I just joined and read your message - are you still awake?

[Doubting]

Yes I am awake, pretty much sitting in my bed thinking about my life

[Doubting]

I've always been an emotionally sensitive person and now it's magnified. I cringe at commercials about STDs and when i see people's reactions to jokes about STDs or how they comment on STDs i just want the ground to open up and swallow me. How do I put this in perspective and realize that there's so much more to life. i even feel like a phony that i'm hiding something about myself

[thereismoretome]

hi

Yes I am awake, pretty much sitting in my bed thinking about my life

i'm sorry it took me a while to reply - I am still getting use to the site. You will be ok, I promise. You really can't think it is the end of the world. Trust me, I've been there. But there will be so many worse things that happen. I don't know how to help except to say you will be ok. This is the first time I have ever share my experience but I read these posts because it has all come back to ahunt me recently but you really are not alone and there really are so many more terrible things.

[Doubting]

thanks for responding. in some ways i know it's not the end of the world and other times i feel so down. I appreciate chatting with you, it's also my very first time. i have spoken to my sister extensively about this but as a person without it she is supportive which i luv, but she can't understand living with it.

what has helped you to cope? how long have you had it?

[thereismoretome]

how long have I had it? 15 years. I was lucky in some ways. I got it when I was 15 from my first boyfriend but never got i again until two years ago by which point I had convinced myself I no longer had it. How did I cope - I just had to. I couldnt talk to anyone, I was 15. My local NHS clinic made me feel like my whole life was over before it had basically started and I just thought, it can't be that way and carried on. Never told anyone. was very careful never to give it to any of my boyfriends until two years ago when I finally fell in love, didn't realise I had an outbreak, ended up giving it to partner, felt so unbelievably guilty I started smoking, drinking life a fish and honestly felt like I had committed genocide and that I had to stay with him forever. Until I realised my relationship was not right, was making me unhappy and staying with someone who is not good for you becuase you gave them herpes is not the right approach to life. Trust me, giving it someone else, was probably worse than getting it. But if I had stayed in my realtionship out of guilt I would have ruined my life, and his. And this does not have to ruin your life. You have to see past it. It is just your skin. It will not kill you. It only will if you let it destroy you.

I read an article once about how herpes was a big non-event until drug companies discovered and patented anti-viral drugs. Then the stigma arrived. I ahve it long enough to know that acicolvir went from costing £70 a pack to £6. The patent ran out. I suspect no-one really cared that much before that.

I am here to chat any time. If it was the end of the world I'd tell you but it's not. If this is the most awful thing that ever happens, you will be grateful. I hope you are ok and I am really sorry you are suffering.

[Doubting]

I really appreciate your honesty and willingness to share. Just being able to relate to someone like me so to speak makes a hugh difference. I am happy that you didn't let what your NHS told you dictate and determine your outcome. you are right herpes is not who i am, it's something i happen to have. i'm not sure if the person i'm seeing is the one for me, but i'm hanging on not just because i have true feelings for him, but also because i view it as my last hope; a thought i have to change and get over

[thereismoretome]

you must overcome that. I so understand why you feel you have to stay with him and if you realise in the end you love him and want to be with him for all the right reasons, then that's great. but if you stay with someone because you have herpes and you're not happy then you are letting it ruin your life. Think of all those so called trite quotes - there is more to a person than the worst thing they've ever done, you are more than the sum of your parts. None of those even come close to applying here - this is not a bad thing you had done and this is not part of you. I have had ezcema, allergies, all sorts of things and they've never defined me, until this tried to. Look at your friends. If they came to you this and said they have no hope because they have a skin complaint, what would you say to them. Oh but to be one swallows their own medicine and listens to their own advice, but it is true. The guilt I have felt and still feel, the times I watch TV and there's some awful joke about people who have herpes and it makes me want to die inside, but only for that instant. But then, I think about all the damage I have done to myself punishing myself in the process, smoking, drinking (in a functional way, but still it's no good for you) and I think, if some day I am not well in a serious way, I will wish that the diagnosis was simply herpes.

Read the stats, one in five people have it - but you'd never know. Apparently eighty per cent of people have cold sores -but I'm sure they are the first to be disgusted by someone who has genital herpes. I wish I could say the magic word and it would all go away. It is still an issue for me and a sore point but it really is one that is liveable with and even on a day to day level is so the lesser of many other crueller ills. I am telling you all this not becuase I am always sad or troubled - far from it. it troubles me now and then but I deal with it and most of the time I don't even notice. Just like any sadness or problem, you can choose to overcome it, deal with it, talk about it and handle it. You can't let it overcome you. Whoever you are with is not your last hope. You are your last hope. You can either choose to think yes this sucks, but I can get over it because it is not a big deal unless you listen to all the spurious nonsense, some of which I suspect is fostered by people who have it themselves - if one in five have it, some of those who make the jokes must be living in glass houses. Or you can let it rule every day. Please don't.

If you do that to yourself then you kind of wish the same thing on me and everyone else who has it. And I suspect if someone came to you and asked you if it should be there end of their world and there was no point in carrying on, you would try to set them right.

[Mavrick2010]

hi Doubting OMG after my devorce I also thought the same because of herpes.Being alone and not getting to intimate with someone was almost the way I thougth was all I had to look towards for the rest of my life. And then meeting someone like me is when I my life completely changed. You see when they you have something in common with someone is what makes a relationship work.Juut remember that there's many like us and those are the one's that are going though the same. We make the best people to talk to and lean on when we have that outbreak. So good luck on that jurney and keep your chin up.

[gotitsowhat]

I've always been an emotionally sensitive person and now it's magnified. I cringe at commercials about STDs and when i see people's reactions to jokes about STDs or how they comment on STDs i just want the ground to open up and swallow me. How do I put this in perspective and realize that there's so much more to life. i even feel like a phony that i'm hiding something about myself

Actually, one's medical records and personal information are not "a secret," just private information. It is considered normal for an adult to keep such information private. It is not considered normal to share one's personal medical information with others in general and it's not considered normal to share one's sexual information with people in general. Personal information is only for those we are very close to, if we choose to tell it. So stop thinking of it as keeping a secret--it's just your personal medical information which, like other adults, you have every right to keep to yourself.

[sassyass]

Its really nice to read some of these posts. Its a relief to know there are others out there who feel the same way and experience the same guilt and embarrassment. I wish more people were educated so that the stigma would go away. Thanks for sharing and making this a not so terrible thing to be experiencing.

[Doubting]

thanks to all your encouraging words i had a great day given how i was feeling last night. It has it's moments..dealing with this, but u are right it's not the end of the world, i'm alive and kicking, this is not a death sentence and I need to stop treating it as such. There are some people if herpes was what they had they would actually be relieved as they're facing much worst

[In it for life]

Hi Doubting,

I actually got hsv2 when I was 21, now im 47. I'm a 26 year veteran! Life is not over! NOT EVEN CLOSE!! Although it seems that way at first.

I have had a very happy healthy normal life.

My first husband was unfaithful and brought this home to me. I divorced him right away. I was 21, had 2 babies in diapers, and hsv2!!

But I went on to remarry 4 years later, stayed married 11 years, that marriage ended 10 years ago (didnt have anything to do with my H). I have had several dating relationships in the interim. NONE of those men even cared that I was hsv2+! (not everyone will feel that way, but when you are with a quality person that loves you, THEY REALLY WON'T CARE)

This is a wonderful website with so many caring and understanding people. You're not alone!

Be sure to post in different forums and read thru some posts... you will be informed and inspired. There are also a lot of good articles in the right margin with lots of information. Read all you can.... knowledge is power!

I know it's hard when you first get diagnosed, but remember that what this virus does psychologically is a bazillion times worse than what it does physically.

And thru time your OB's will be come less frequent and less severe. I rarely ever have an OB, maybe once every 3 or 4 years... hardly noticeable.

Hang in there! Everything is going to be ok!!

[Doubting]

OMG this is so encouraging and re-assuring, i am sooo grateful to hear about people living happily despite having this..this is quite empowering.Thanks a million

[Stillmyself]

Hey- just wanted to let you know that I have just litterally signed up to this forum and it is already helping me. For the last 7 years now after I have been diagnosed with herpes, I have yet to find one person who has it (or atleast will admit to it). Now that I see all these people on here, it litterally put a smile on my face. That is the main this is to realize that your not alone. It's not a horrible disgusting disease and there are definately worse things out there.

The best thing I ever did and still do is do research about it. There is always more and more information coming out. and all you can do is prepare yourself with information. When I tell people about it, I overload them with info and they can't believe what they did't know about it, or was told wrong about it.

Your life is definately not over, enjoy life, don't let it rule your life. The other thing that really helped me was to tell my family (however my family is awesome, and was super supportive and helped me gain a lot of information about it) my friends have also been very supportive of it. Find someone you can tell, a friend a family member etc, that can help you through your outbreaks. I hope this helped.

[itsbeentoolong]

Interesting, Due to the lack of outbreaks I begin to convince myself I no longer had it or that I was misdiagnosed. Wouldn't that be nice!?