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I'm lost.

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Hi all. So about one week ago I found out that I had HSV 1 and 2. I've been with my girlfriend now for almost 9 months, 3 of which were long distance. After I found out I had it she was very supportive and went to get a test. While we both agreed verbally that we shouldn't talk about who gave what to who, i know it was in the back of my mind and if it wasn't her that gave it to me I needed to talk to the last person I slept with. Anyhow the thoughts going through my mind were keeping me up, I went 3 days non stop no sleep. I finally became okay with the fact that we probably both had it (she hadn't gotten the results back yet) because I had only slept with 2 other people my entire life which one was a virgin and one a really really nice girl that I wouldn't have thought had it (both of which I really cared for and liked). While she, on the other hand, was kind of promiscuous throughout her college career with a few one night stands and no sort of relationship at all (reaching the double digits). Quite honestly I really don't care if she slept with a thousand people or none at all because I love her, but we became so sure that her test would be positive and that she gave it to me that I didn't think about what would happen if her test was negative.

Well today she gets a call, comes back with only HSV 1. I have both 1 and 2, so I just didn't know how to react. All these thoughts rushing into my head that I just had an anxiety attack. Thoughts like:

I can't have sex with her because I couldn't stand giving her herpes.

I know she loves me but I don't want her to feel obligated to stay with me by pity

I'm glad she's relieved and is std free but I really wish that we both had it. When we thought that we both had it it was like having someone with you every step of the way and now its just me.

She's never going to go down on me again, and I don't know if she'll want me to on her.

<kind of graphic> Can I even get hard again while these thoughts about giving her herpes exist?

and the one thought that really bugged me and I felt so selfish and horrible thinking was "how is that right and fair that I got it from 2 important caring relationships and she didn't from 10 guys she had sex with and probably didn't know their names?" (please don't read that like I'm judging her, she admits that she kind of went a bit wild and I never ever judge her or make her feel bad)

I feel horrible thinking that and I don't know how to react. Sorry if this is long but I just don't know what to do or think.

She's really concerned that I've been so sad but she doesn't realize that I'm not sad that I have herpes, but that I don't think I can satisfy her. We love each other to death and she says still that she'd never leave me, but looking at statistics the most common break ups are because of sexual frustrations/displeasure and I don't want to think about if I gave her the virus so I just don't think I can have sex with her. At least right now and maybe for a couple months, I don't want her to not get off for months considering how ofter we did it. And I know that during pregnancy she can pass it along, so she's probably gonna have to get a C-section. What if something were to happen to her or the baby? I would blame myself for the rest of my life. I know its stupid thinking this considering we're only 22 and don't want kids till 30, but herpes doesn't just stop so its in my head.

I hope this isn't the wrong section but really I just want to know how I can get her to really understand that I'm not sad or upset with having it, but more upset that she can't have a fully normal relationship now and probably wont have sexual satisfaction until I can bring myself to that (even the thought about giving her a permanent disease is killing me). Its just a horrible feeling of being alone and lost. I'm lucky to have found her and I'd do absolutely anything for her to be happy, its just a really scary thing to find out.

Any advice on getting past the herpes transmission "block" i have would be greatly appreciated because I know that its gonna be hard for her. Actually any advice at all I would greatly appreciate.

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Dude, she already has herpes. HSV1 is still herpes, there is even a small chance she has HSV1 genital, it does happen. HSV1 & 2 are almost identical. Since she has HSV1 she has already developed antibodies in her blood which will form a defense against the HSV2 virus.

Also, look into taking meds daily. Taking meds can reduce the risk of transmission by 50%. When I am dating someone I take acyclovir, lysine and kelp daily.

I have dated MANY women and have NEVER passed it along. And that includes A LOT of unprotected sex. I always let the women I date decide if we use condoms and while some of them have started out wanting to they ALL changed their minds later on. There is a moderator here who has been married twice for a total of 27 years and neither wife got it, and he never used condoms nor did he take meds. I have chatted with many other married people who never passed it along to their spouses.

And the longer you have this, the less you are contagious. Here is a link to a good post about transmission rates:


If she loves you she will look past the virus that she already has. Herpes is very insignificant part of who you are. She did not fall in love with you because she thought you were STD free, she fell in love with YOU.

Come to the Chat Room, there you will find many nice fellow Herpsters who can offer you their support.

Good luck!


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She has herpes. She has an STD. You are envisioning wild ideas that are simply not true and you are trying to accept them as truth.

Over 70 percent of the population carries herpes. 20 percent of women carry genital herpes. 10 percent of men carry genital herpes.

Don't be in a hurry to destroy a relationship with this woman because you have the wrong idea about a virus that is over 4500 years old.

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Thanks all. The transmission rates page is very calming, and definitely is helping me feel better, but I still can't get over the fact that I'd be giving her something she can't get rid of and could potentially be hurtful (albeit short periods of time). We're definitely together in this, and we've talked a bit after i made this post and did some research but theres this weird Pre-Guilt i still have. I actually just was really taken back and surprised when we found out she didn't have 2, because we decided that we both had 2 and were gonna get through it all together. Once she didn't I was in a weird mix of happy and really really alone. I don't know, it is just a stupid virus but at the same time its kind of isolating for a bit.

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You probably don't think twice about driving her somewhere in your car on the highway. There is potential death there. This virus is usually a teensy weensy medical issue for people. I have personally carried it for over 32 years.

This is not the plague.

A loving and accepting partner in life can be hard to come by. You are considering doing damage to that grand thing that you have with her over something that is usually a tiny issue and has been living with humans for over 4500 years.

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To be completely fair when she's driving its certain death... ah bad time for jokes. yeah. I just think i needed someone that understood that feeling and i found some people. this place is really great and so supportive. thanks all.

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  • The Hive is Thriving!

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      I do belive. It is going to be SADBE and Sqarex. I am on it and it is great.
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      Maybe this has been asked already, but is there way we could get everyone on the site to write emails to the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation?  If they got 1000s of emails about this issue maybe they would fund people like the researchers at Penn?????????

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