Reactions when telling people about H!

[Cherry Cola]

I'd like to know what reactions other people have had when telling thier friends,family or boyfriends/girlfriends about thier Herpes.

I've told three very good friends and got pretty good reactions.One friend gave me some good advice as her own daughter has it as well.The other two friends had a few questions and one wanted to know if I was in any pain now and if I could still have babies later in life.I thought that was pretty sweet of him to be concerned! I didn't have to tell these friends,but I really wanted and needed to talk about it and I knew they would not judge me.

The one boyfriend I told,well at first he was "fine" and concerned for me.I told him what herpes was and asked if he understood it and he said yes.Then the next day I gave him a brochure that explained it was a virus that live in me all the time,well then he was very angry and said he could not have sex with me anymore.He said I lied about it b/c I didn't say it would last my whole life,but he misunderstood me.

I did tell a guy last night in an MSN that I have it.First I asked if he would date a girl with it.We've never met and I wanted to know what he though first.Well he was fine with it but didn't know much about it and went to a website right away and then sent me a few questions So that's a good reaction!!

[BelleinBlueJeans]

I've had very positive reactions in my life so far. I've had H for four years now and although it was devastating when I initially found out, I have had a lot of support.

I think my situation has also helped people sympathize with me. I was with my college sweetheart of two years when suddenly I woke up one day with H. Literally, out of nowhere. He was the only man I had ever been with. He was completely ok with it (funny, because he gave it to me!) and we stayed together. But I was suspicious of where the H came from, and within months I broke it off and later learned he had been unfaithful.

My college friends were totally supportive of me and were very, very angry with the college boyfriend. At the same time, my very best friend learned she had contracted genital warts from her lying boyfriend (unfortunately seeing a pattern here!) so we could relate to each other's pain.

I met my husband in graduate school and he was the first man I dated after college boyfriend. I was completely honest and open with him. After a few dates (probably two or three weeks into our relationship) I told him basically what I posted here. I explained how it happened and how the disease works. He took a day or so to research the disease, and said it didn't matter to him. We held off on intimacy for several months, but as we fell in love, became intimate. Husband reasoned at that time that, even if we didn't end up together forever, his 40 year old self would look back on his 25 year old self and and regret not pursuing a relationship with me just because of a skin disease.

We were married a few months ago and I am thankful for him everyday

On the flip side of the positive here, I've not told any of my family and only my closest friends. I am still afraid my very conservative family would be ashamed of me, and not understand. I do encounter lots of people who always talk badly about people with STDs as if they are dirty and deserve to get them, and I wish I could tell them my story and correct them. But, I'm still too private about the issue to just share it with anyone.

I hope that makes sense. I think the key to telling people, especially those that are potential partners, is to stress your honesty and the fact you are giving them the choice they never had, and to lay out all the facts early on before intimacy but give them enough time to get to know you so they know what they are giving up if they move on.

[DownRightUnlucky]

Hi Cherry, I've had herpes for 23 years and I can tell you that I've only had 2 men react badly. If you come across very shameful and sad when you tell them, then it will show them that this is a shameful thing to have if they aren't educated about it and most likely, they will mirror your same feelings about it. When I tell someone, I am matter of fact and tell them that it's not something that I'm glad I have, but also not ashamed of it either. I also tell them that even though it's an STD, it's basically the same type of virus that causes cold sores that they see on people like their parents, grandparents, Aunts, Uncles...so on. But that mine is below the waist instead of on my mouth. It's helps them to realize that I'm not much different from a lot of other people they know and love and still except.

When I told my Mom right after transmission, she reacted very badly. She basically shunned me for weeks and didn't want me using the same toilet or me doing my laundry with the rest of the family's clothes. She's not known for her compassion anyway. And remember, this was back in the times when herpes was considered "very dirty" and you only got it if you slept around. The kicker is, is that she's been getting cold sores on her mouth since she was a child. She now knows that she too, has the herpes virus. She made me tell my Dad, and he was awesome. He cried but was very supportive. First time I ever saw him cry..the only other time, was when my brother was killed in a car accident. I think it hurt him more knowing that his baby girl was sexually active. He told me then, that there would be a cure one day. My entire family knows and they are all accepting of it now. I even tell my Mom when I'm having a bad breakout. We compare on what the triggers are for each of us. My SIL is a nurse so she never fails to give me the horror stories she sees in the ER of herpes infections. Too bad they don't have a Herpes counciler that they do with Rape crisis. It is nice to be able to be very open about it around my family instead of feeling like I have this little dirty secret. But, that's just me and I know others feel differently.

I have also confided to a few of my friends that I have herpes and guess what I found out? These few friends also have it! I pick and choose who I tell as far as my friends go. I have a few who can be a bit judgemental so they'll never find out my little secret.

I am sooooooooo excited about this new fellow you told on MSN! It sounds like he is very positive and I hope he stays that way. Let me know how it goes since I too, just told an online friend that I had it. Lots of luck!

[Cherry Cola]

Downright what you said about not being shameful when you tell someone you have H is right! If I act like it's something nasty and gross then they will also think that!! So I sometimes start with "do you know what Herpes is ?" and then I explain it a little.I really find that most people don't realize it's a virus that lives in the body forever.I actually only found that about 6 years ago,befor I got it.

[Guest Guest]

I've had mixed reactions when I've told people that I have herpes. I found out 6 months into a relationship, that was the most difficult and I'll get to that later. I went back and told my past partners because I had no idea when I got it. I had a one night stand with one of my friends and he freaked out a little bit, mostly because he was scared, but most of my friends ended up finding out about it in the process which I was NOT happy about at the time. No one judged me. In fact, most of them felt like it wasn't their buisness and it didn't change how they thought about me at all though some did feel sorry for me and few were like, "Wow, I should really go get tested cause if you have it I could too.." My boyfriend eventually broke up with me because of the herpes and I had a flirtation with someone from school. Things were getting a little sexual in nature so I told him I had herpes and.. He asked a few questions and decided it wasn't a big deal. I was actually hoping it might scare him off so I told him a hook-up just wasn't worth the risk in my eyes. A few months later my boyfriend came back and said he made a huge mistake making such a big deal about it and ever since it hasn't been an issue at all. Sure, he doesn't want to get it but he wants to be with me more... I even told my father and he told me my life is not over, there's more to me than that. Sometimes I'll overhear a conversation about herpes and I feel like saying, "Hey, I have herpes. What do you think about it now, huh?" I haven't so far but I've had to hold my tongue.

[Cherry Cola]

Yeah sometimes I hear someone say something nasty about Herpes and I want to say "no that's not the truth about Herpes".

No one in my family knows.I'm not close to them at all and it's really not thier concern.I chose to tell only some of my friends.The one friend I knew not to tell,as she is judgmental actually asked me in an argument once "what's wrong do you have herpes or something?" after I told her there was something I didn't want to tell her b/c I was afraid of her reaction.

We didn't have the choice to get Herpes,but at least we have the choice of who we tell!!

[zab]

My b/f was in the ER room with me when I found out. I cried and he was very supportive. I told my parents the next day. Now that was hard for me to do that. My parents were like asking me all kinds of questions. They were putting the blame on my current b/f (he does not have H). My teenage daugh. knows. We are very close. My father was afraid to kiss me the day I told him. I told him it was ok to treat me the same as always, because he can not get it. I just recently told my sister. So far my family has been very supportive. My dad has come around and is not afraid of me anymore. The most common reaction I got was they were all full of questions.

[Anguish]

I have not tested for herpes yet but, I am convinced that I may have it. I had my first outbreak nearly 2 weeks ago shortly after fooling around with my new girlfriend, who I've been going out with now for 5-6 weeks. As far as I know, she is clean because she had blood tests after each of her past relationships (however, I'm told bloodtests are not accurate). I told her about my symptoms as soon as my outbreak started and I told her it may be herpes. She was amazingly cool about my news and still is.

I talked to a doctor today and what he said helped put things more into perspective for me. He said that given any number of people at random off the street, a large percentage could have the virus and never have outbreaks or test positive for it. In other words, most people who have the virus don't know they have it.

He also said that there are other viruses that remain in our bodies forever. Most people get Chicken Pox once in their lives, usually as children (unfortunately, I got it at age 19). What I didn't realize is that Chicken Pox is very closely related to the Herpes virus and also remains in the body forever. There is a small chance that the Chicken Pox virus can be reactivated in adults as the Shingles. I bet if most people knew that, they would be just as paranoid about chicken pox as they are about herpes. Knowing this made me realize that the Herpes virus is really not so bad as people generally believe.