When to Tell

[NitElleGil]

Hi All...

I am 22 and was diagnosed with Herpes about a year ago and told some friends, but just decided that I am okay with it and ready to try dating again. I just recently (like a week ago) started to hang out with this guy. We have been out a couple times, but nothing besides a single smooch has occurred. We are no where near having sex, but I still feel so guilty. All I keep thinking about is that I have this problem and that by not telling him I am lying. He has never asked me, so I am not technically lying, but still I feel bad. I know that I will tell him before we have sex for the first time, if we even get that far.

But is it wrong for me to not be upfront with it right away? Does everyone have these feelings? Also, when is the right time to tell? Obviously before things get too far, but is bad for me to want to build a trusting relationship with him before I'm like 'hi i have herpes'? Thanks!!

[NitElleGil]

hey he dumped me! thanks for the help guys!

[Cherry Cola]

Hi,

Sorry you felt that we didn't help you at all.I think some people read the posts and just have no good advice to offer so they don't reply.

There doesn't seem to be a right answer on when to tell a person you have herpes,except of course sometime befor you have sex.

You don't need to feel your lying by not telling people you have herpes.It's not something we need to tell anyone unless we plan on having sex with them or getting intimate in any way.

Honey this guy wasn't worth it!!Any man (or woman) who just dumps a person b/c they have herpes is not worth it.I hope the next man you meet is mmore mature and educated then this one!!

(((HUGS)))

Cherry Cola

[ConcernedDC]

I have done so much research about herpes since I contracted it, that I probably know more about it than most doctors. Here are several points to keep in mind, both with regard to dealing with having the infection and when telling your partner about it:

- Somewhere between 50 - 90% of the population is infected with one form of herpes or another (type 1 or 2)

- There is really no difference between type 1 and 2, other than type 1 will erupt more often if it has infected the upper body, and type 2 will erupt more often if it has infected the lower body.

- Despite the fact that the vast majority of the population has herpes, the vast majority doesn't KNOW they have it.

- If you know you are infected, it is possible to minimize the risk of infecting others

Therefore, the bottom line is that when you tell someone that you are infected, you should also tell them that chances are, the next person they have sex with will be infected too. The difference is that you know you're infected, and you're telling them about it. That gives them the power to protect themselves from contracting it while still being intimate with you.

Of course the other implication from all this is that chances are the person you're telling is ALSO infected, but that might not be a good approach!

[Eurofied_Robyn]

Hi OP,

I am in practically the same sitch. you were in. Sorry you didn't get a good response from this guy. I just don't think there is an easy answer for when it's appropriate to tell (other than before you have sex!). Someone please correct me if I'm wrong on this one.

[Cherry Cola]

This question is so tough to answer "correctly" b/c there really is no right or wrong answer.We all have to decide that for ourselves and each situation is diferent.

It's hard to get to know someone and want to be honest with them,but keep your herpes private until your ready to have "the talk" b/c you may feel guilty.You shouldn't though b/c keeping this private is not a lie.If your asked outright if you have STD's and say no then it's a lie.

Some people want to have sex in the very begining of a relationship and a person with herpes may feel pressure to tell right away and risk a break up or give other reasons for not wanting to have sex yet.

I've decided that the next relationship I'm in I will take it slow and get to know the person and ask myself if this person is worth telling my "secret" to.I want the next man that I am with to love me and get to me for who I am befor I tell him about my herpes.If I tell him to soon he may decide that I am not worth the risk b/c he hasn't seen that yes I am well worth the risk!!

So that's MY answer or part of it anyway.I still don't know the amount of time to wait.I won't know that until I'm there in that moment I guess.

[NitElleGil]

I just wanted to say thanks for everyone who did reply. Sorry if I came off bitchy, just not easy being turned down from a guy no matter what the reason is. But it has been some days and I am completely better now.

Besides, he chews with his mouth open!!!! I think thats worse than what I got wrong with me!!! HaHa

Thanks Again!

[mg]

glad to see you can laugh...

and yes I hate it to when people chew with food in their mouth.

I think that a person should tell the other person on the 3rd or 4 th date.

That way you already should have a good idea about the person and they wouldn't have spent that much time with you... so if they were to get mad... they wouldn't be that mad!

But if there truly good people... they'll understand, respect you for telling them. if they like you enough the decision would be easy they'd want to be with you regardless.

But if you were only interested in a one night stand...... then tell them as soon as you deside you want to _____ them.... and before you go to theirs or your place.

Everyone deserves to have their needs met... and a smile on their faces.

[Unbelievable]

If I am dating someone... I tell them as soon as I think they are someone I am going to want around... I would rather tell them before I am too attached.... I figure this way it won't hurt as much if they freak out... I am really lucky right now... the guy I met I told the first night we hung out... I knew I liked him and wanted him to go away right then if he was going to... at first he thought I was joking and just saying it because I wasn't interested in him or something... I told him it was the complete opposite... I told him because I am interested and didn't want anything in the way of developing a relationship... and face it... keeping H a secret... does stand in the way....

[mg]

well good for you...

are you still seeing him?

[SpecialGuest1234]

Hi All...I am 22 and was diagnosed with Herpes about a year ago and told some friends' date=' but just decided that I am okay with it and ready to try dating again.[/quote']

Good for you!!!

I take it you are going to take your time and get to know this fellow first... right?

Why should you feel guilty about getting to know somebody? You aren't having sex with him and you certainly don't need to open up about every personal aspect of your life unless you feel the timing is right or appropriate for you to do so. As long as you are not putting him at risk then there is absolutely nothing for you to feel guilty about at all.

That's not the case at all... I sure hope you are seeing that point.

And there is nothing wrong with that... do you see that?

Have you taken a look at our Herpes Telling Story yet?

It doesn't matter when you tell as long as you do it before you have sex, etc. Make sense? You have to tell them in a way that is comfortable for you. I don't see anything wrong with taking your time getting to know soembody as a person first... putting sex on the backburner of course...

There is nothing wrong with that... in fact... I think that's the best way to do it personally...

Angela

[SpecialGuest1234]

hey he dumped me! thanks for the help guys!

What happened?

Well ~ now you don't have to worry about confiding in him about something so personal to you... ya know?

There are other fish in the sea ~ for sure!!!

(((*Hugs*)))

Angela

[Itsme...ok]

It's ok

I am new here to this site. I was diagnosed with herpes when I was about 13 ( I Know early). I was very ignorant to sex and needless to say I regret it!!! I'm now 26 years old. I have dated people and has not told every person that I have dated. I have only told 2 guys in my entire life and one was my ex-husband and my boyfriend that I have now. It is hard to find someone that will accept you for who you are. I know you cannot tell everybody. They only time I do tell the person is when I see potential in that person. My ex-husband excepted me for who I was. He was little upset that I did not come out and tell him before we had sex. the 2 people that I have told, I let them know that I am not careless as to what I do and I am not going to purposley have sex when I have outbreak and pass it along! NO WAY!!! The way me and my ex-husband managed it was if I had an outbreak we simply do not have sex. I have never given it to him at all and we were married 5 years! The same thing with my boyfriend now. He loves me just the same. No difference. I think if you are interested in someone, wait a little while before you have sex with them and if you do use a condom. That way if you do not feel comfortable with telling them right then at least they know you have not put them at risk for anything. If you feel the need to tell them and see some type of potential in them wait it out before sex and then tell them. Because you can't just tell anybody!!! Some people may say that I am wrong but, I have studied and read about the condition and I have never given it to anyone...ever.

[Itsme...ok]

I agree. I think that is what I have done in the past. I gaver it time for the person tobe interested in me. I can admit that I have had unprotected sex with my ex-husband before we were married and my boyfriend now. But then again for me it seems to have worked out fine since I don't really have outbreaks often. I know a person can still catch it even if there is no outbreak. But the chance is very slight. If a person is willing to stick with you and still love you no matter what condition you are in is Godsent! I love my boyfriend even though we have been through so much! He does not mind taking the risk with me because he knows I am worth every bit of it!

This question is so tough to answer "correctly" b/c there really is no right or wrong answer.We all have to decide that for ourselves and each situation is diferent.

It's hard to get to know someone and want to be honest with them,but keep your herpes private until your ready to have "the talk" b/c you may feel guilty.You shouldn't though b/c keeping this private is not a lie.If your asked outright if you have STD's and say no then it's a lie.

Some people want to have sex in the very begining of a relationship and a person with herpes may feel pressure to tell right away and risk a break up or give other reasons for not wanting to have sex yet.

I've decided that the next relationship I'm in I will take it slow and get to know the person and ask myself if this person is worth telling my "secret" to.I want the next man that I am with to love me and get to me for who I am befor I tell him about my herpes.If I tell him to soon he may decide that I am not worth the risk b/c he hasn't seen that yes I am well worth the risk!!

So that's MY answer or part of it anyway.I still don't know the amount of time to wait.I won't know that until I'm there in that moment I guess.