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jeepers10

denial.denial...acceptance...HELP

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jeepers10

Looking back... it was easy to ignore my symptoms, they were very mild. An itch that could be chalked up to "razor burn", or sex, a UTI, or even a yeast infection... or whatever your mind could justify. Deep down, I KNEW I had herpes...I could literally feel it in my soul. But, when your symptoms are mild, how easy is it to avoid, lie (to my self), and be ignorant to such a thing?

I literally convinced myself that I was crazy and did not have such a social stigma, such as herpes.

This post will be the first time I have ever been honest about my sex life and partners.....

I am a 30-year old single female, who has had 12 partners and started having sex at the age of 15. Many times I had sex out of confusion, peer pressure, desire, and plain horneyness, if I am honest! I enjoy sex, but have also used sex, and confused sex with love.

I can't tell you where I got herpes, does that make me a bigger whore? Maybe!

And to be honest, I don't care who gave it to me.... I have herpes. I tried to blame it on an ex, but in all reality, I probably infected him, and shame on me! I take responsibility for my actions, I chose to have sex and some was unprotected....bad choices!

I have NO desire to trace back and find out who and when I contracted herpes from. This is my battle now, and what would that prove or solve anyway??

I can't tell you the freedom in accepting this "virus". I have been in denial for SIX, yes 6 freaking years! I have not touched a man, let people get close to me, or even think about a relationship for 6 years!!!!!! I am a very attractive person, smart, funny, witty and kind....why am I holding back?

Not until 3 days ago, did I face up to the fact that I had herpes. But, not without consequence....I had unprotected sex, still believing I was herpes free, and may have lost the only person I have cared for in 6 years....talk about devestation, guilt, horrible choices, sickness, and lack of love for self! This is the price I SHOULD pay, to lose the only person that I have really cared about. I am not sure if he is infected and if he is, I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF! I am a disguisting, sick, and a SELFISH human being for letting myself live in denial. PLEASE GOD FORGIVE ME.....PLEASE!!!!!!

Thanks for reading, this forum has changed me forever...the support is AMAZING

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WarriorKing

Most people are "infected". You have been beating yourself up for six years. Start fresh. Learn here. This virus is not the monster that you think it is.

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sunglasses

knowingly infecting people and then trying to blame it on them is pretty bad

like pretty fucking bad...

but its okay ive had it for a year and been in denial for over a month. i cant just have some old man tell me i have a live long condition. im just not ready to hear that yet at my age therefore i choose to pretend like its not there

even though i have complete break downs almost daily. its really unsafe for me to be alone somewhere..

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jeepers10

Sunglasses,

Maybe I should clarify the balaming my ex....I had never and still have no symptoms of herpes. I was uneducated and had NO CLUE what my condition was, my ex did have visible signs, and this was 6 months after we had been together. I am taking responsibility that it could have been me that gave him the virus, but I am unsure. It was not until he had outbreaks, that I begin to research and become aware of a condition that I may have had before him. I still don't know? Still no excuse though, just didn't want you to think that I was totally aware and blaming him. It just seemed at the time, natural to blame him since he had OB's first, but I now know, that I could have been the carrier too. Maybe not? Maybe I was??

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Jade1991

Hi;

I think i know where your coming from I'm 19 years old an i have had 12 partners since i was 14. An i don't think your a whore, sex is natural everyone dose it. Just like you i was uneducated i didn't even know what herpes was until the doctor told me i had it.

an as for this guy your ex ... you can get herpes from just using the same towel from someone infected ... besides there are a lot of people out there who have herpes... so i think you should forgive yourself an start living you life an when that happens i bet you'll find true love =)

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Lattegirl
... you can get herpes from just using the same towel from someone infected ...

Jade-

No, you can not get herpes from using the same towel from an infected person. Not unless the infected person has an open sore, they wipe the towel on the open sore and then you immediately take that section of towel and purposefully wipe your genitals with it. Even then, it would be pretty difficult.

The herpes viruses (HSV-1, HSV-2) are enveloped viruses (means they are pretty fragile) and do not survive very long on a counter top, towel, or other inanimate object. Viruses are not living organisms. They depend on a living host cell in order to replicate and 'survive'. They are not capable of suriving on their own. Bacteria can survive on their own. Thus, a herpes virus will die pretty quickly on a counter surface due to things like heat and UV light.

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Jade1991

Lattegirl

Really, cuz my best friend told me that. I'm sorry I'm still learning bout all this. So if i share a drink with someone i won't infect them?

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WarriorKing

Very low risk. The HSV virus cannot last long on a glass, but other stuff can. I just don't share glasses. They can get their own drink :)

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Lattegirl

Jade:

No worries, that is why we are all on here: to become better educated and informed. You might be able to spread HSV-1 (if you have that) by sharing a drink. HSV-1 is what causes cold sores (here in North America) and most people that have HSV-1 get it as a child from being held/kissed by relatives. You won't spread genital herpes from sharing a drink with someone. You are more likely to give them the common cold virus. : )

Peace.

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