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Guilt Ridden

Passed it to the one I love

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Guilt Ridden

Hello all,

I just recently joined this forum because I felt I needed some friendly advice from people who are dealing with HSV. I'm currently living with my girlfriend and have fallen deeply in love with her. From the very beginning I told her that I had HSV2 and that since she didn't have it she would be at risk dispite the precaution we took. She took a few days to think about it and decided it was worth the risk. I've been living with HSV for over 20 years now and have been married for 10, divorced and with another steady girlfriend for 7 years prior to this one. In all that time I have never passed the virus to either of them or at least neither of them have shown the symptoms of the virus to date and that was not using any protection with either of them other than the birth control they were on and not engaging in intercourse during an outbreak. Unnecessary risks, I know.

For the first 8 months of my relationship with my current girlfriend all was fine. I haven't even had an outbreak in over 3 years, but she had to go through a proceedure to remove some cancerous cells from her cervix. The doctor warned her not to have intercourse during the time she was healing but as it happens, passion got the better of us and subsquently she developed an infection on her cervix. While the doctor was trying to clear the infection a couple of weeks later she developed the sores and was tested and confirmed for HSV2. She is devastated. I'm feeling very guilty about what I did to her and now she treats me very badly and I feel has heaped the entire responsiblity on my shoulders. I realize I am to blame, since I love her so much I should have taken better precautions to ensure that she didn't get this virus.

As of right now our relationship is extremely frail and on the verge of failure. She's already been thinking of moving out and my heart is breaking. I don't know what to do or say to her to let her know that having HSV doesn't matter to me but she says it makes her feel unattractive and not sexy anymore.

Sorry for the long post, just need to get things off my chest, thanks to all who've gotten this far in my ramblings.

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jeepers10

Guilt Ridden-

I understand your guilt, but your girlfriend was made aware of your HSV, and it was her choice to take the risk. I am not saying that it is less devestating to contract a life-long virus, but I am saying that it takes two to tango and you both should have been involved with the "protection" department. She has no right to treat you badly, have you told her how you feel? Guilty? Bad? Afraid of your relationship falling apart? Good luck, you did the right thing from the get go.....you informed her!

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something

I am kinda scared of the same thing... I recently found out that I have the virus but never had any symptoms.. I told my current BF that he was a risk and he says thats it is ok.. But i believe that when i do get an ob or something he will back out because he doesnt find me attractive anymore.. i dont eve touch him or let him sleep with me anymore... I dont kiss him or do anything anymore.. im so scared...

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herpalicious

Hey guilt,

I second Jeepers question. Does she know how you feel? Be sure to tell her! Also, you have to give her some time. I just went through my first ob and found out. I was devastated and extremely irrational! I would have to assume that what she is going through has very little do with the way she actually feels about you. It's difficult to be decent to anyone when you feel dirty and worthless! That's natural. It is also no reason to let someone treat badly though! She knew the risks and it's a decision she made.

Mainly, I would suggest that she joins this site and participates in the chat room! Everyone here is so amazing and supportive! It has done amazing things to help me turn things around for the positive! Best wishes!

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lost99

Yes it does have a way of making you feel unattractive, thus zapping away confidence and sexuality. This disease plays games with your mind. Initially its devastating and ofcourse gets easier. She's definatelty struggling. Give it time and be there for her. In the end she wont be blaming you. So don't blame yourself either. It was bound to happen.... just remember its always hard physically and emotionally in the beginning ... just keep putting your love out there.

I hope she comes to terms and realizes its gonna be ok.

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RealisticGal

I am so sorry to read that this is happening with your girlfriend. Like her, I decided to go ahead with an intimate relationship after my fella told me about his herpes. The way I made the decision was to assume that I would always have a chance of getting it, despite whatever precautions we might take. And I totally accept the responsibility for making this choice. I will never blame him if I do get herpes. He did his part. He was honest and forthright. He told me before we got intimate because he cares about me and because he has integrity. If anything, my guy was much more reluctant than I was because he worried about passing the virus to me.

You did the same with your gal. You did your part. You told. She made a decision based on your truth. There should be no guilt on your shoulders.

I am so sad to hear about the way she is reacting. It sounds to me like she never really accepted the reality of what she was getting into with you. That's too bad, but it is not your fault at all.

One of the hardest things I face in my position is the fact that my guy still worries about it. I wish he could relax and accept the fact that I have made an adult decision about this. But I guess it makes sense --- given the reaction that woman is having --- that he would think I might do something like that. And more to the point, I realize he would not want me to have to deal with herpes because he cares about me.

It isn't easy from either side of the fence. But then, what relationship is easy?

Take care, friend, and please know that you should not blame yourself. My hope is that your relationship can endure long enough for her to get through the period of newbie shock. Things get better for most folks with time, and I am sure they will for her as well. All you can do at this point is be supportive, but please don't let her send you on a guilt trip. You don't deserve it at all.

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Guilt Ridden

Thanks everyone for trying to make me feel better. I have told her how I felt but she doesn't respond or has nothing to say about it. In fact just the other day she questioned me about the daily meds I was taking. She wanted to know if I had been taking them when she got infected and stated that she never saw me take them, it felt almost like I was being questioned by the prosecution. I know she's dealing with a lot and what compounds things is that her family is susceptible to anxiety and depression of which she has her fair share of. She had changed jobs and her insurance wouldn't pay for the depression medication that was working for her so she was forced to take something else and it's not working for her at all. This on top of everything makes for one volatile situation and I'm trying to be supportive and loving but it's very hard when you're being blatantly ignored. It seems that if I just breathe it irritates her and she reacts with stone cold silence, a dirty look, or just a cutting remark. During these times I remind myself that this is not about me, I need to stay calm and supportive.....I can't tell you how hard it is though.

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RealisticGal
Thanks everyone for trying to make me feel better. I have told her how I felt but she doesn't respond or has nothing to say about it. In fact just the other day she questioned me about the daily meds I was taking. She wanted to know if I had been taking them when she got infected and stated that she never saw me take them, it felt almost like I was being questioned by the prosecution. I know she's dealing with a lot and what compounds things is that her family is susceptible to anxiety and depression of which she has her fair share of. She had changed jobs and her insurance wouldn't pay for the depression medication that was working for her so she was forced to take something else and it's not working for her at all. This on top of everything makes for one volatile situation and I'm trying to be supportive and loving but it's very hard when you're being blatantly ignored. It seems that if I just breathe it irritates her and she reacts with stone cold silence, a dirty look, or just a cutting remark. During these times I remind myself that this is not about me, I need to stay calm and supportive.....I can't tell you how hard it is though.

Honey, you have relationship issues that go way beyond herpes. It sounds to me like she would find some reason to be critical of you, no matter what. Herpes was just an available choice.

:boxing:

Good luck to you.

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Luckystars505
The doctor warned her not to have intercourse during the time she was healing but as it happens, passion got the better of us and subsquently she developed an infection on her cervix.

It's too late now, but violating doctors orders to not have sex because you could not control your sex drive for a few days/months is a piss poor excuse. I don't get it? You were able to have a full sex life for 17 years before your current woman.

She has every right to be angry at you, and if you chose to stay with her you better get use to being treated like a dog for a while as you brought this on yourself by penetrating her when her body was trying to heal.

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RealisticGal
It's too late now, but violating doctors orders to not have sex because you could not control your sex drive for a few days/months is a piss poor excuse. I don't get it? You were able to have a full sex life for 17 years before your current woman.

She has every right to be angry at you, and if you chose to stay with her you better get use to being treated like a dog for a while as you brought this on yourself by penetrating her when her body was trying to heal.

I'm sorry, but this is pure BS. As they say, it takes two to tango. She is every bit as much "responsible" as he is. If she wants to blame anyone, she had better start with the person in her mirror.

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TommyN211

Hi, I just signed up and I'm looking for a little advice. I dont have the the disease, but I was just informed by my girl friend of two months that she has HSV1. I care about her a lot and can see it really lasting with her, but I'm still a little nervous about sleeping with her (which we have not done yet). I cant imagine leaving her. But I just though hear some stories of relationships that have lasted without transference, and get some tips on how to protect my out selves. Ive read all the studies, but Id like it hear it from people actually going through it.

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Luckystars505

I'm sorry, but this is pure BS. As they say, it takes two to tango. She is every bit as much "responsible" as he is. If she wants to blame anyone, she had better start with the person in her mirror.

RG, if he cared about her health, he would have momentarily put his sex drive on the back burner until she healed. Guys do it all the time after a woman has a baby, or when women are sick.

I fully understand that it "takes 2," but that still does not mean that he had to take her up on her offer if she initiated vaginal sex. He's the man and he's the leader so he should had said NO. They also had other options for "release" RG.

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RealisticGal
RG, if he cared about her health, he would have momentarily put his sex drive on the back burner until she healed. Guys do it all the time after a woman has a baby, or when women are sick.

I fully understand that it "takes 2," but that still does not mean that he had to take her up on her offer if she initiated vaginal sex. He's the man and he's the leader so he should had said NO. They also had other options for "release" RG.

"He's the man and he's the leader?"

ROFLMAO

Sorry, dude. Especially if she initiated, but even if she didn't, she better damned well accept some of the responsibility.

But she has problems over and above herpes. Unlikely she will do so. 'Nuff said.

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RealisticGal
Hi, I just signed up and I'm looking for a little advice. I dont have the the disease, but I was just informed by my girl friend of two months that she has HSV1. I care about her a lot and can see it really lasting with her, but I'm still a little nervous about sleeping with her (which we have not done yet). I cant imagine leaving her. But I just though hear some stories of relationships that have lasted without transference, and get some tips on how to protect my out selves. Ive read all the studies, but Id like it hear it from people actually going through it.

Does your girlfriend have oral herpes or genital herpes?

I am with a man who has genital herpes, while I don't. He told me before we became intimate, so I could make a choice.

You need to educate yourself about it to the point where you can either accept or not accept the possibility that you may get it in the future.

It is good, of course, to learn what measures you can take to lessen that chance. But the bottom line is that there will always be a chance. If you can't accept that, you have a decision to make.

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Conflictedgirl

It's normal for her to feel upset and unattractive, but don't forgot that you told her from the start and she made the desicion to have a sexual relationship w you. My boyfriend didn't tell me for almost a year that we were together he had it, until i started having problems. I won't ever forgive him for not trying to protect me from this pain, our relationship will most likely not last. But if you were honest w her and took precaution, she really shouldn't be holding this against you. Tell her about your feelings, i hope things go well for you.

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Luckystars505

"He's the man and he's the leader?"

ROFLMAO

Sorry, dude. Especially if she initiated, but even if she didn't, she better damned well accept some of the responsibility.

But she has problems over and above herpes. Unlikely she will do so. 'Nuff said.

RG? What's wrong with having a leader in a relationship? I don't see anything funny about that.

And my statement still stands, even if she did make advances, he still should have said "NO!", to take the higher road of better judgment.

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Kitty123

Actually - she is old enough to make her own decisions. I agree that maybe *they* should have waited until she was healed properly, but I don't believe anyone's judgment was clouded by 'sexual desire'.

My fiancee didn't care that I had HSV2. We've been together for 4 years. He presented with a lesion in July 2010, got it swabbed, and had a blood test and both came back negative. Does he think he's negative? No. But he's not going to bother to go back to get a positive result, because either way - it doesn't phase him. It's just a virus to him. I on the other hand, in the beginning started to feel paranoid for passing it on, and sometimes I still do. But the bottom line is - HE KNOWS THE RISKS, and he's willing to be with me for me. He takes FULL responsibility if he catches it, and although I will share that responsibility regardless if he feels I shouldn't, it takes two people to have sex. If she wanted to accept the risk, and consistently kept accepting the risk, then its not his fault. She knew what she was getting into.

If we constantly kept blaming or kept being blamed for 'passing it on' when the person we passed it to - accepted the risk, then no one with Herpes (which is a large part of the population) would have sex anymore. This is part of the reason why many people who have herpes decide to become abstinent. Because it's a CHOICE. Just the same way as someone who accepts the risk of contracting it. Its all a choice.

Back to having sex while she wasn't 'healed'. Who are we to even judge when or when not to have sex with our significant other? Lots of people have sex under different situations. I had sex a week after I had a LEEP procedure done and I was nowhere near being healed. I ended up perfectly fine. My parents had sex within weeks after my brother was born, and guess what - BANG! Here I am! Was it wrong? No. It was their choice. So to say that 'guys do it all the time after a woman has a baby' - then you haven't met my father, or countless of other guys I know, who have had sex right after. It's a personal choice. Not a textbook answer.

While we are all entitled to our opinions, we shouldn't pass judgment in situations where the initial poster is very sensitive to their situation IMHO.

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norcallove
RG? What's wrong with having a leader in a relationship? I don't see anything funny about that.

And my statement still stands, even if she did make advances, he still should have said "NO!", to take the higher road of better judgment.

Isn't she equally responsible for not saying no? I don't see how it is up to one person more than the other to say no. They both equally made the decision to have sex. They are both equally responsible. I agree with everything RG said.

I also agree with Kitty - who are we to even judge when a couple has sex.

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Guilt Ridden

Well thanks everyone for your opinions, I appreciate them. And yes I would say I should have been more proactive when it came to protecting her from this because with all she's got on her plate plus being a full time mom with two kids, this shouldn't have been something else for her to worry about. She's still having a problem with it and things haven't been the same since she got infected, in fact she's moving out with her kids. She told me she's not breaking up with me just that she feels she needs to dedicate all of her time to her kids while they're still around and since she's going back to church and was raised as a christian, feels that living with a man she's not married to is contradictive to her beliefs. This is definitely a step backwards for our relationship and I'm trying to be optimistic that things between us will get better as time progresses but I don't think I'm being realistic. Anyway, thanks again to all who contributed to the discussion, I do appreciate it.

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Kitty123

GR:

Just give her some space. Don't overcrowd her with 'sorrys' just assure her (and I know its genuine), that you didn't mean to infect her. If you start coming on too strong, she MAY view it as 'trying too hard' to make up for the fact you infected her. Give her the space she needs and let her come to you.

I accidentally infected my (now) fiancee after splitting briefly with him and sleeping with a dishonest guy who I THOUGHT was my friend. You could only imagine the guilt when I didn't even know what was wrong with me, and out of pure love and lust that I had rediscovered for my fiancee when we got back together, a night of passionate lovemaking led to a quick advance of symptoms and boom - i had sex during my incubation period, and infected him unknowingly.

I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF! But I didn't intentionally do it. I can't beat myself up forever. He ended up staying with me because he loves me and he doesn't care that Herpes becomes a part of our life. Now whether he is staying because he has Herpes and not because 'he wants to' thats a question that I will ponder for a while (but I've asked him many times, and the 'ring' still went on my finger!)

Don't beat yourself up. You didn't do it purposely. Just take some time. Give her time to think things over, and whatever the result is - let it be.

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Guilt Ridden

So now the trend has changed. My girlfriend is now telling me she doesn't think she can love me like I need to be loved or deserve to be loved. Since I'm committed to her with my whole heart, these words kind of suggest that continuing the relationship ,HSV or no, is a moot point. Is that what I should be taking away from that statement? I'm so confused.........someone stick a fork in me I think I'm about done. :confused:

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RealisticGal
So now the trend has changed. My girlfriend is now telling me she doesn't think she can love me like I need to be loved or deserve to be loved. Since I'm committed to her with my whole heart, these words kind of suggest that continuing the relationship ,HSV or no, is a moot point. Is that what I should be taking away from that statement? I'm so confused.........someone stick a fork in me I think I'm about done. :confused:

I don't think anyone here is really qualified to give you relationship advice, as much as we might want to help. But I will go out on a limb and say that what she is saying sounds to me like an excuse for why she is breaking things off. I think she is trying to soften the blow. Just my unqualified opinion, of course.

Sorry you are going through this. Relationships are complicated and sometimes painful.

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Conflictedgirl

I know you care about her, but if she has the heart to pull this shit, is she still worth it?

Too me it sounds like she's trying to gently write you off, making excuses, just my opinin though.

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BeTheChange

I am newly diagnosed and I am certain I gave it to at least one other person, possibly two. My guilt is overwhelming. I of course did not know I had it, and I'm sure the person who gave it to me, not sure who yet, did not know either. But I still feel responsible as my partners did not realize the danger and trusted that I had been behaving safely.

In YOUR case, you BOTH knew and BOTH chose to have sex anyway. You both consciously gambled with an unpredictable virus (I AM NOT JUDGING). You are NOT any more to blame than she is, if that is any consolation.

Peace.

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Guilt Ridden

Thanks everyone for making me feel better. Over packing all her stuff tonight I got her to talk to me some more. I wanted to know why she suddenly withdrew from me after having been so in love with me. She's been skirting the issue all along but tonight she said because she was mad at me. She is still having a real difficult time with accepting that she has HSV2 now and will for the rest of her life. In my case when I got it, I was mad too so I can understand the anger. However, in my case I didn't know who I got it from so I couldn't direct that anger like she can. She says shes changed and she knows she's just as responsible and her doctor says millions of people have it but this doesn't make her feel any better, she's still very bitter about it. I'm afraid this relationship is a casualty of HSV.

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