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no fun but dealing

I just told someone and they decided to not see me...

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no fun but dealing

I went on a couple dates with this new guy. On the second date we had sex with a condom, and afterwards I told him about my herpes. I told him to think it over if he wanted to continue seeing me. I didnt talk to him much for a few days. Then 3 days later he called to tell me that he didnt want to see me anymore because he didnt want to take the risk.

So... now Im seeing a new guy. We have already had sex (protected and Im on suppressive meds) but I feel terrible. I know that I should tell him but I am so scared he is going to reject me. Even though we will not get serious because he is moving away in a few months, I still want to hang out and see him. I am afraid to tell him, what should I do?

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you really need to tell this new guy. You can't be dishonest with any partner and when you decide to have sex with someone, you have to tell them before you do anything!! Many people post on here about how angry they are they the were infected by someone who knew and didn't tell them. Don't do that to someone else. This is likely what is giving herpes a bad name. It's a virus and it's not responsible for our behavior or our personalities. Human are responsible. Thus, you must take responsibilty.

You are already being very responsible because you are insisting on condoms and taking suppressive meds. That is the angle you need to take when you have to tell a new partner. Be honest with them, tell them you are concerned with not infecting them. Therefore, you do everything humanly possibly to prevent that- condoms, meds, etc... Then, give them the choice as to what they want to do, even if this means that they don't want to see you again. One thing you should bring up as well is that many people have the virus, do not have any symptoms and you would never be able to tell that they were positive (even upon close intimate inspection). That is how the virus is being spread- lack of communication and proper measures.

In all reality, I am not willing to go on a couple of dates and then have this conversation with a guy. They don't know me well enough and I don't know them well enough. Therefore, I am not willing to risk my status being known just for the sake of sex. What this has allowed to happen is that I find out very quickly the guys who are only interested in sex. I don't have time for them and I'm not interested in wasting my time. I've got toys with batteries that do just as good a job for the quick fix. : ) This does not mean that I might invest some serious time in someone only to have them walk away later on when they find out. I'm willing to take that risk.

So, take the risk. I think you'll feel way better about yourself for being responsible and he will likely appreciate it as well.

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You need to be telling guys BEFORE anything happens. I was infected by someone who knew - someone who is STILL out there giving it to other girls and not caring a single bit.

This means you actually take the time to REALLY get to know a guy, build trust before putting this out in the open - yes, you're gonna come across guys that will freak out and take off, but most don't seem to react that way.

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Try a Lysine supplement for cold sores

  • The Hive is Thriving!

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    • StayingUpbeat
      First, that your doctor simply tried non-generic valacyclovir instead of referring you to a dermatologist is surprising.  If you are taking daily Valacyclovir, and still have frequent visible lesions, a competent dermatologist would prescribe something called Foscarnet.  It is unfortunately an injection and (I believe) it must be administered weekly at an injection center or hospital.  However, the combination of weekly foscarnet and daily valacyclovir would almost certainly eliminate your visible outbreaks.  It's important to note that no current drug combination is known to totally eliminate HSV shedding.  You would need to have routine blood monitoring on this combination as Foscarnet has some potential side effects. Next, there are members on this site who have been able to obtain a drug called Amenalief from Japan.  It's a recently approved (in Japan) member of a class of HSV drugs called Helicase Primase Inhibitors (HPI): https://www.mimaki-family-japan.com/item/detail?item_prefix=TF&item_code=705711&item_branch=001 It is bio-similar to a drug called Pritelivir which is currently in clinical trials in the US for HSV in the immuno-compromised (i.e. organ transplants, HIV).  A member in this thread talks specifically about his experience taking 100mg/day to help with outbreaks.  It unfortunately sounds very expensive to take suppressively.  Finally, there was recently a small successful clinical trial on the use of topical squaric acid dibutylester (SADBE) for the control of HSV.  If your doctor is comfortable trying alternate therapies to control your outbreaks topical SADBE is an FDA approved cream that you could discuss trying.  My recommendation would be to bring this paper discussing the trial to your next doctor's visit.  It would be an off-label use but the cream is relatively benign.  It's most frequent use is clearing-up cutaneous warts on children. As always none of this discussion constitutes medical advice (I am simply a middle-aged engineer not a doctor) and you should always follow the direction of your doctor or medical professional over advise found on the internet.  One of these three options may however improve your situation.  Unless there is something other than HSV going on.
    • Hellothere123
      I really don’t feel like I can keep going on with this, it’s always in the back of my head and I feel like I’m not worthy of love anymore and I just want to end it all 
    • honkschonks
      @Anon222 I told the women I have slept with most recently. She’s been a regular partner who has had zero symptoms. She’s going to get tested. She’s the most level headed person I know and a good friend. One doctor told me for legal reasons to tell everyone in the past year that I have it. Another doctor said that’s unrealistic and pointless. I have no idea when it started as I had no major undoubtable outbreak, so going back a year may be too far, it may not be far enough. I’m not sure what to do. It has irritated me how casual doctors are about this. It won’t kill you but The emotional effect of knowing you have it or thinking you may have it seems to be more damaging than having it. People on here talking about suicide. I guess that’s why they don’t test for it, or it just got out of hand and there’s no going back. Strangely I haven’t been that stressed about it. Luckily I’ve been very busy working so I haven’t had time worry about it. Thanks @NY12345 for your thoughts.
    • Runride
      I've heard of STD dating sites but have never looked into one. Are they real? And does anyone have any experience with them?  If someone does I would really like to hear some details.  They sound kind of scary, but it seems it could also be a relief to know I would be less likely to be judged for this condition.
    • IcantThinkofaName
      I've also considered this option..and its still looking like a good idea. so... Did you try any other Av's like famvir or privetir? I think there are some others too...  Up the vitamin C, check your vit D levels via bloodwork... Are you stressed out or have a stressful lifestyle ( aside from having HSV, which alone is a stressor)? There are no other health issues going on ? How hard are your workouts? The last few Obs I had were after very intense resistance/weight workouts, and I was completely exhausted after...combined with a night of bad or little sleep. Tried L- glutamine supplementation? Lithium orotate ( its a supplement too) has been known to supress the virus/replication too. I have also read it could mutate it...not sure how accurate that is, or if there was a study that proved that..maybe google it. I took The lithium one time and it was an abbreviated/shorter Outbreak than others...but I was also taking alot of vit C, or it could have happened for another reason...I'll never know for sure. but...mediating for 12 hours a day might help too... (seriously) but just don't meditate on HSV. Or maybe in another year your body will get a better hold on the virus and can cope better. it is depressing, I can relate.  My Obs have finally  lessened after 1 yr and 3 months. I still have almost daily sensations, tingling though..I'm probably contagious AF. Sex isn't really on the radar anymore. so No reason to take the AVs as they cause some side effects for me. Time to join that monastery. There are more important things in life than sex, right?  (thats what some people are telling me and I want to punch them. I really liked/enjoyed sex) Hang in there. I was told after the 6 yr mark, HSV becomes a non issue in your body. ( thats what one of my Drs told me, so  not sure how accurate that is either, but I guess it gives me 4.5 years of hope) let me know if any of this helps or you find something that does.I wish you the best.  

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