Still lost . . .

[angryrightnow]

I was diagnosed with Herpes last January, almost one year ago. The person I contracted it from assured me he was clean before we ever kissed. I had only had sex with 5 people in my lifetime (I am 30) but I had made it routine to have a frank discussion about STD's and to keep an open mind about what I might hear.

Approximately one week after dating (I'll say we had 3 dates that week) I stopped by his house to pick up some CD's he had for me and we watched TV. We started kissing and he was trying to have sex with me. I told him I wasn't ready for that and thought it would end there but he was able to get my pants off enough to merely put his penis near my vagina. I told him at the least we should use a condom. He said we didn't need one and I didn't have any time to react because he ejaculated almost instantaneously on my stomach. He apologized. I tried to remain calm about the situation. A few days later I agreed to see him and to this day, I don't know why but at some point during our conversation, which included a recitation of his military experience, I non-chalantly said to him it was a good thing he never picked up any diseases during his tours of duty in the military. And then the truth came out. . .he had had every STD in the book, except HIV/AIDS. I asked him what he meant by "every" and he proceeded to list every STD I had ever heard of, including Herpes. I was angry with him for not telling me about it, but I didn't want to over-react. Didn't think I was at risk really until a couple weeks later when I had to go to the doctor because it hurt just to walk. And now, I have Herpes. Can't meet anyone new because I have to tell them I'm infected with a disease that could kill me, them and prevent me from ever having children. I was angry a year ago, I am still angry now. My life is ruined because some selfish person couldn't tell me the truth. My ability to have an intimate relationship, to love and be loved, is thwarted. Not only do I (as well as anyone who has Hepers) have to deal with the isolation the mention of this disease causes, but I have to know at my first meeting whether or not I would want to spend the rest of my life with someone because to even just "touch" I have to tell them they are putting their life at risk. I have never had another outbreak since that "initial" (or at least if I have, I haven't known it) but my conscience won't allow me to not tell someone. My life is effectively over. What's the point of living if you can't have someone to share life with?! How do you move on? If you're going to tell me there are people out there who don't mind, that's not sufficient at this point. I've had enough people stop talking to me after telling them of my predictament that I've given up on that option. How do you find peace with yourself to know that at 30 you will be alone for the rest of your life?

[Unbelievable]

ummm... I could be wrong.... but I think that is rape in some form... you said no... just because you couldn't stop him doesn't make it right or your fault.. what a flippin pig he is...

Anyway... you will meet someone who will understand that you are not toxic just because you have herpes... the first man I met and told took it well and I told him on the first date... I didn't want to like someone and then have him leave over the herpes thing.. he was fine with it... and we have been seeing each other for about 4 months now... we had sex for the first time on new years... although we are both still scared of him getting it... he was willing to take that risk... he appreciated my honesty... and I appreciate his acceptance....

there are dating site and support groups for people with H... try one of those... your life is not over... just need to be comfortable in your own skin again... you can't change what happened... but really don't let him destroy you with this...

just be armed with education when talking to the men you meet and be comfortable in it... if they see your fear then they will be afraid too....

good luck to you.... you will live and life can still be amazing...

[Cherry Cola]

Oh hun sorry about what happend with that jackass!!

Your life does not have to be over though.Not at all.I think what you need to do to "get over it" is to learn more about herpes and learn how to talk to partners about it.The men you tell who don't accept it are not worth your time!!

Having herpes isn't fun at all,but it will not kill you.I really don't think about it much unless I am having an OB or have the need to tell someone I have it.

I worried to that I may never be able to have a baby.I'm 29 and I really want to be a mommy someday....and I will!I may have to be a little more carefull during a pregnancy and make sure I have no OB during the birth or the doc will tell me I must have a c-section.If you check our section on babies and pregnancy you will see that we can still have healthy babies even though we have herpes

Hope your feeling a bit better now.Stick around and ask all the questions you want and we will all do our best to answer you and help you feel like you can still have a normal life.

[angryrightnow]

thank you

i thank both of you for your replies and comforting remarks. a year ago, i had thought by now i'd be over it or at least would have found some sort of "peace" but i (obviously) haven't. you both make good points and intellectually i agree with you but emotionally, i'm just not there. yet. i will continue to use this forum to learn and support myself and hopefully one day soon i will be where you are.

thank you!

[Unbelievable]

healing takes time... you had a tramatic event which caused you getting an STD... don't expect to be over it... just love yourself and allow yourself time... if you need to chat... PM me your yahoo or aim I will listen...

[blisterbutt]

Try to calm down a little and stay positive.

You will find a man that understands that these things happen -- you did nothing wrong. You are not a bad person because you have herpes.

I contracted herpes prior to meeting my husband -- to him it is no big deal. We have two beautiful children that I delivered vaginally -- my doctors were aware that I have herpes and once we were close to term induced to make sure I could deliver OB free.

It is not going to kill you, it is not going to destroy your life. Think of it as little more than an inconvenience. Eat well, excercise, avoid stress, take a multi-vitamin and lysine...life goes on.

[chaos]

You probably shoud have gotten a lawyer. what a disgusting freak. I mean you talked about it with him FIRST, he then LIED, sexually violated you, then he "comes clean"?!?!? he certainly didnt tell you before he rubbed his junk on you then came like a fourteen year old little boy. What a pathetic LOOSER! this story pisses me off like no other. I got it from a pig who date raped me then lied about having anything as I spent a year in clinics dealing with hsv, hpv and everything else. this guy has been infecting for over 18 years and doesnt tell his victims. and thats what we are, victims. And I am revictiminzed everytime someone thinks I am a slut because I have this. its not just dealing with the disease, the stigma, future relationships, etc... its dealing with the grief of being violated so personnaly and profoundly. I know I would have delt with this way better if I had gotten it from someone who had disclosed their status in a loving, caring relationship.

[Unbelievable]

WOW.... Chaos.... need to find a way to handle how hard you are taking this... can't change the past... can only make a better future.. need to get to the point where your herpes doesn't define who you are.. it is just a small part of you... don't let it own you.... being angry never makes anything better... what others think can't rule who you are... you are the same person you were before you got it... and if people can't accept it then you don't need them...

[amy3]

Herpes doesn't kill

" I have Herpes. Can't meet anyone new because I have to tell them I'm infected with a disease that could kill me, them and prevent me from ever having children. "

What makes you think that hepres can kill you?

[ouch]

yeah, I am a little confused here too...herpes can NOT kill you (in extremely rare cases people have contracted herpes which lead into encephalitis, but you are more likely to get hit by lightening hon!)

And yes, it CAN be passed onto a baby if you are having a outbreak during delivery. (something your doc and you can work out, should you ever have children) I have an infant. I opted for a csection. One (and most importantly) I simply can not have a vag birth ...my oldest son and I almost died. but two, when I found out I had herpes, I decided that was the icing on the cake for me NOT to have a vag birth with this baby. C section was the only option for me. So you CAN have kids and they can be safe. Just take extra precautions while preggo and after the baby is born be super hygenic (which we should be anyways.)

But no, you will not die for this crap. This guy though sounds like a complete douchebag. What a stinkin' loser. The fact that he gave it to you knowingly proves what an evil person he is. I would totally consider getting a lawyer and suing his ass. However, I do not know what the statute of limitations are on a situation like this. My ex also knowingly gave me this shit....I had no way to prove it 100% though (and he STILL insists he is "clean"...whatfuckinever!)

I still, over 3 years later, get angry and upset. (especially if I have an ob, or when I have to worry so about passing it on to my infant son.) But it gets easier with time. I HAVE met the most wonderful man in the world....I told him soon after we started dating that I have this shit and he accepted it. He has never ever made me feel bad or dirty or anyof that sort of nonsense. He has been an ally in fighting this disease. and HE is still HSV2 negative...so it is possible to find love out there. I tell this to EVERYONE...do NOT settle for less. Just because we have the herps doesn't make us bad people....practice safe sex with loved one, don't have sex during an outbreak and just stay in tune with your body.

I would say though for now, before getting into ANY relationship, seek on fixing yourself. Get counseling for both the bad situation (and it does sound like a form of date rape) that you were in as well as for dealing with herpes. Take care of yourself, start loving yourself again, and time will heal. THEN I bet you will find a wonderful man to love (this advice is for all women...with or without herpes!)

[musicbee]

i didnt know herpes was able to kill you?is that true?

[Pseudopure]

Although it's been about 8 months since this post I'm replying anyway because these thoughts and feelings are an exact embodiment of my personal experience as well. There are a lot of downsides to having H. One of the hardest ones is reaching a point where you trust someone enough to tell them you have H and risking their removal from your life permanently. Not to mention they could tell everyone they know. Who probably know you. I'm constantly assessing the men in my life to anticipate whether or not they would date me considering what I have. If I know a guy likes me but I don't think he'd date me after knowing the truth, I don't even go on a date/kiss/hang out/much less "conduct the talk" for the risk of getting attached and then rejected. I refuse SO MANY blind dates for this very reason. It's like why go through the motions when nothing will come of it? So far I've dated 5 guys since my diagnosis. After I told them one dumped me on the spot, one contracted it b/c we had unprotected sex several times, one "went all the way" with me and then freaked out later and called it off, and the other three I didn't sleep with. I try to tell myself that these experiences which usually end in rejection don't mean that I'm worthless and unlovable. However there are times when it feels like it's hopeless. I feel even worse because I'm in college; a breeding ground for meeting your "soulmate;" where every ripe, young body has revolving relationships and a "booty call." I was recently dumped on account of what I have. The funny thing is I was honest before we even kissed to allow him the freedom to not date me without allowing myself to get too attached. He looked up some information online about this disease after we dated for awhile and unfortunately the pictures displayed on the internet are THE WORST CASES EVER. So he got completely freaked out and called it off. That's when I started to realize what having this disease means. I'm scared I'll never find someone. I'm scared I'll never settle and have a family, raise children. I want to be in love, posess a deeper appreciation of life, and have more of a reason to get up in the morning. But after this occurence I'm scared that being loved is apart of a foreign world that has enclosed itself from me and is nothing more than an intangible, floating dream dissolving into the distance.

[Biotech101]

Don't worry there are people out there. I know because I entered a relationship with someone who told me they had it. Accepted the risk, the relationship ended not because of the virus. (of course now I have been infected myself) but I harbor no ill will. There is somebody out there. You might want to test what the people know around out and make sure the people are well educated about the virus. (I know it sounds werid but the subject of herpies seems to come up in other people's conversations alot)

[Pseudopure]

Perhaps because it is becoming more prevalent...