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I’m doomed.


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I?m doomed.

Every where I look on the internet there are plenty of happy stories where a couple copes with a partners herpes. However as I read on I can?t help but notice one universal commonality, The partner with the bug is the female, and the male is the one who accepts it. Well this is great for the women, im sure that all of these stories are a beautiful read and insightful giving them hope.

Unfortunately im a man, and im stuck with this cursed Disease, after the demise of a four year relationship where it was acquired. I have met a new girl, we have been hooking up for the past Four days, (kissing, nothing else). And as I feel the mutual desire for sex creep up I can?t help but get depressed as I have convinced myself that no matter how long I put it off, and no matter how well I let her get to know me, the ?talk? is going to kill everything. How exactly do you explain to a nineteen year old girl that has a lot going for her to accept you with this disease after you have known her for the amount of time that it takes for two people to want to sleep together?

Where are all the stories where a man with herpes was accepted by a woman, I know they are out their but definitely, few and far between in comparison to the other way around. Why is this? Do men simply get turned down the majority of the time? I?m depressed, I feel hopeless, I care for this girl, and im scared. This won?t end well.

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:) Nothing is totally hopeless as I found out. My ex had it and didn't tell me and then gave a Oscar Award performance when I told him I had it.

I went through the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance). I denied it till I got the written test results. During anger, I was more mad at myself then him (then I found out the truth). Bargaining was an interesting time. :oops: Depression was the worst. I swore up & down I wasn't dating again EVER. Didn't feel human at that time or felt like I deserved to be loved by anyone including myself. Basically felt like a leaper that anyone I told would see me as the disease and not the person inside. Then found this forum and through some wonderful people acheived acceptance. :D Once, I learned to love myself again allowed me to let someone into my life (he is very acceptant of the situation).

To try and answer your question:

I know guys that have it and are not willing to discuss it as willing as women are. It is an emotional & mental decision to tell someone. Not really something to boost to your buddies about moreless someone you want to be "close" to.

My ex did not give me the opportunity to make my mind up but if he would of - I would of stayed with him. The girls during & after me (he was seeing) he did same to them. He just didn't care.

I just think maybe women aren't give the same opportunity to know. Don't get me wrong not all guys are jerks like my ex.

Don't give up hope. Sounds like you really like this girl and don't want to hurt her. I had Les chasing me for months before I would even give him the time of day or acknowledge his existance. I thought when I told Les he would turn around and run but he didn't. Better yet, he would think I was some sort of tramp because I was a women with a STD. Talk to her -she might surprise you. If see really sees the real you - ya all will be able to work around it. You sound like a wonderful person.

Good Luck & Best Wishes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I'm really glad that you want to tell her and soon.I really respect you for that and I think she will too.Practice saying what your going to tell her and make sure your not all hot and heavy befor the talk.For me I like to be kinda casual about it so the other person doesn't freak.

You can start by saying that you care for her and res[ect her and want to tell her something.Then explain that during a long term relationship you found out you had gotten an STD or or you can come out and just say herpes.I like to ask the person if they know much about it and then explain a little and ask if they have any questions for me.It helps to have some info printed out too.

Good luck!!

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I know several men who have it and there partners don't. women can be extremly supportive and loving, you just have to find the right one. dont give up hope. I acctually think that men are less likely to accept it because many of them just think with there you know whats. most of the woman I know are looking for true love and if they think they might have it with you they just might be ok with it.

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I feel your pain!


I'm new to this forum and I've been living with H since 1993 that I know of. I was married when I discovered I had it and I kept it to myself. I also did not tell my second husband that I had it and he found out when I was pregnant with our daughter because he read my medical records while the nurse was out of the room. The lie ruined our marriage. We were married 8 years and as far as I know, he does not have it. He told my first husband about it and now I find out 13 years later that I got it from him, but he didn't know that he had it. Now, I'm single and dating again. Last boyfriend had it also and it was not an issue at all. That was a relief and I told him before we ever went on the first date without knowing at the time that he had it. We stopped seeing each other a little over a year ago and what you are describing is the delimma I have each time I meet someone that I like enough to be intimate with. Now, I have met a a wonderful man that I share alot in common with. We have been on 1 date but have been talking for a short while by phone. I don't become interested in anyone easily and I know that it is possible that this one could be a keeper. However, I'm struggling with the depression just as you because I am afraid that if I tell him that he won't want me anymore. We are extremely attracted to one another and both very sexual people. I don't want to jump into having sex too soon, but it is going to be difficult to abstain. My question is.... do you wait and make them be patient and get to know you better, possibly even to become emotionally invested in you, and then spring this on them? (I'm not sure that is really fair) Or do you tell them at the beginning without them knowing enough about you to be able to make an educated decision on whether you are worth the risk? I prefer the first scenario, however, I'm living with that sense of dread and guilt and confusion and..... instead of allowing him to get to know me well... I can't look him in the eyes to talk to him (the guilt and then I'm afraid of giving him signs that I want to be intimate right now) and I push away.... it is a block wall or barrier if you will that I live behind and until it is out of the way and has been accepted, I'm not comfortable and open. I've told a few men, most have been very accepting and understanding. One, however, was totally in denial that he needed to use condoms at all. I'm sure my bit of news to him was just a bit more than he could stand, he freaked and didn't even want to know more about it. My last relationship left me hurt and empty and I have not been able to fill that void and replace those wonderful feelings you have when you are interested in someone and have that closeness. I want that and this one is the first one that I have even remotely saw possibility. I'm extremely afraid that he may not want to deal with it.

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I feel bad about this

A couple a days ago I had sex with a guy that I have been liking for quite sometime. But, I didn't tell him that I have H. The great thing about this is that he used a condom and I wasn't having an outbreak at the time. I don't know what to do now because I feel like I did something to jeapordize his health. I'm not going to have sex with him again because I really think that its not right, but when your so caught up in the moment one thing leads to another. I'm afraid to tell him that I have this disease becuse I'm afraid he might tell other people then they will think that I'm nasty. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

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Even tho' it is after the fact. I would tell him. Honesty is the best way to go. It may go better than you think. He might feel hurt (at first) you didn't tell him but with time things could work out. I know it is not one of things you want to put on a billboard and announce. STD to some people have a stereotype attached but I really believe there are more understanding than ignorant people out there. This is what I get for dating an optimist. Just sit down and think about what you want to say to him and pick a moment that is right for you. I pretty much blurted it out in phone conversation when the discussion was going in a direction I wasn't ready for. He didn't miss a beat and said it was ok. We could work through it - we have. I still have moments where I worry but when I wake up with his 2 strong warm arms around me - somethings just seem less trival.

Good Luck, I hope it works out the way you want it to.........

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  • 3 weeks later...


I just found this site and decided to respond to your post. I am a woman without herpes who is totally and completely in love with a man who does have herpes. We met at work and started hanging out outside of work, when we started getting serious he told me about it. I?m glad he told me before we got serious, it made me love him that much more. We are currently planning an October wedding (the month we became serious).

Now as much as I love him and want to be spend the rest of my life with him in the beginning I was a little nervous. I knew about herpes but didn?t have the complete info so after he told me I jumped on the internet and got a little more inform. We always use protection but I know that there is always that chance. He has had only 1 outbreak since we have been together and during that time we just cuddled. I know the risks but I have come to terms with it and will never have any regrets.

He did tell me that the few woman he has dated and told they ended up walking away from him. I guess you just have to find that special person that accepts you for you!!! If they can?t accept you then that is their problem not yours.

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