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It only takes one time..

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This is my first post on this website. I've sort of been in a rut ever since I was diagnosed in October. It all began when I started to go out with my best girl friend. We started to go to this bar a lot and we met a bunch of new people. I've never been the type of girl to just have "flings" with guys. I've always had a good head on my shoulders when it came to relationships and being safe. However, this "one time" ruined me.

We began going to this bar every Tuesday for this "acoustic" set that a bunch of my friends would play songs and all of us would be drunk, singing and just having a grand ol' time. I became close with this one guy. We would text, chat a lot and just hang out often. One random night, I went to his house. I know I should have used a condom, but you know, for some reason people think they're "invisible" like nothing will happen to them because nothing has... yet. It wasn't even good sex. It hardly lasted, no one finished, and it just was just... blah. He couldn't even get fully hard so it was such a waste of my time. I went home and then told my girlfriends about it. Even they were surprised that I had a "fling" with someone I wasn't dating. I know during these days thats super common, but I have always been about school and having relationships.. but I figured I want to experiment.. but I should have been safe.

A few days later, I got sick. Of course Herpes never entered my mind. I started to feel achey.. you know, the typical "flu like symptoms." I started to get so confused because in my head and body I felt fine.. but I was physically sick. I then noticed I had a bump. I don't recall how or why I decided to check.. but I did. There I saw it. The smallest bump which then created the largest speed bump in my life that is still taking me FOREVER to drive over.

It was the weekend time when I noticed, so my gyno was closed. I had to go to Planned Parenthood, which of course they don't take my insurance. So not only did I have to hear the worst news of my life, but I had to pay $100+ plus to hear it! I sat in the office waiting while having a fever and throwing up.. quite embarrassing. I got examined and explained to the doctor my situation. I was hysterical crying the entire time. Not only from being sick.. but being so mad at myself for being so stupid. So long story short, I got my results. I sat in my car for about an hour crying. I called my friend who used to come up to the bar with me but she was sleeping. I had no one to talk to. Luckily I'm close with my parents. I wanted to tell my mom but I kept thinking, "How could I?! It's so embarrassing and I don't want her to think she has this "****ty daughter." But, I called her. She was so shocked but amazing and just what I needed.. at least to help calm me down so I could drive home.

I got home and sat in my moms room with her and my dad and just cried.. googled Herpes.. and talked. It was the worst day of my life. I'll never forget it as much as I wish I could.

It was so hard for me because I knew the guy I was with. He wasn't some random dude.. he was my FRIEND. It broke my heart and just showed how horrible some humans can be.. so heartless and selfish. How could you possibly have unprotected sex with someone when you KNOW you have Herpes!?!?!? I'll never understand it to this day. It disgusts me to the point where I feel nauseous.

I haven't told the guy he gave it to me. He knows he has Herpes.. which I found out of COURSE a month later. I found out all this stuff about him that no one knew before. I wish I was warned earlier :(. I don't want my friends and everyone where I'm from to know.. because word travels faster than anything where I'm from. I've kept this inside for almost 6 months.. aside from my parents and 3 best friends knowing.. and my current boyfriend.

When I met my boyfriend, it was not even a month after I was diagnosed. I thought I'd never meet a guy my age who could understand and "Deal" with someone who has Herpes. Everyone thinks people who have Herpes are ****s and whores and get around with everyone. I'm the opposite 100%.. and I don't want to gain that sort of reputation. I just grin and bare it.. ya know, just try and show that I'm okay.

My boyfriend knows EVERYTHING. He's the most amazing person I have met in my almost 24 years of life. He's so pissed off at the guy for doing that to "an amazing girl." I made him promise he wouldn't do anything to him (as much as he wants to beat him to a pulp).. and he's respected my wishes. As painful as it is to drag him along this ride because now I'm "damaged goods," it's still my situation and I want to handle it how I want to.

2 of the girls who know my situation still go to this bar weekly. They still talk, chat, hang out with this guy. It breaks my heart. I've talked to them about this but, what can you do? I feel that if my best friend was burned by some guy, I'd never talk to him. There's plenty of fish in the sea to make as friends. But I guess they don't see it that way.. and I hate that I constantly think about it. My other 2 best friends moved. I have no one left here that I feel like i can "trust" besides my boyfriend. Girls need good girl friends that always have their backs ya know? I just feel like I don't have anyone.. at least here with me right now.

Well, thats my sob story. I've been in a rut since basically. My boyfriend now though is my hero. It's been only almost 4 months, but we are closer than anyone I have ever dated. You have to be in this situation. I could not keep me having Herpes secret at all from him. I told him like 2 days after we met. I wanted him to know from the start because I didn't want to get to know him and fall for him then have my heart broken once he knew (which was my biggest fear.) He's amazing and I'm so thankful for him. He really is my hero.. and I cry thinking about it.

I could go on and on forever about this topic.. but I know no one probably will read half of this. I'm just going insane in my brain constantly thinking about this. It definitely has affected me more psychologically than physically. I just hope I can learn to cope with it and not let it affect my everyday life. If anyone has read this, thank you. I needed to vent my brain out and I figured I would sign up on a website like this.. just incase someone has a similar situation or just any situation in how they got Herpes would read it.. maybe they'd understand what I'm going through so it would help me know that I'm not alone. I know I'm not alone. I'm a strong minded woman and the fact that this is eating me alive depresses me. Thank you for your time.. I truly 100% appreciate it.

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I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis love, it's not a nice thing to go through. It's good you had people to talk to though.

You only have to spend a few minutes here to realise that it's not just "****s & whores" who get herpes, it's people like you who meet someone, get to know each other then take it to the next level. People like me in a relationship who make 1 silly mistake and have to live with it forever. People who've been married for decades but their partner carried it in their system without knowing...

No one deserves herpes. No one, no matter how sexually active they are.

I was diagnosed in November, I think, I don't remember exactly. I thought my life was over, just like most newbies here. I spent time educating myself, reading everything I could on this skin condition. I then spent time reading the forum, how other people felt when they were diagnosed etc.

More people have herpes than you know. My best friend has had herpes since she was 16 but didn't tell me. It's no big deal to her, it's not a big deal to me either. It won't always be a big deal to you, promise xx

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Thanks for responding. I didn't mean only ****s and whores get it so I'm sorry if that offended anyone. Thats just what the media and everyone always says. No one understands it I feel like until you have it and you have to learn to. I really hope the day comes soon when I can learn to just ignore what I have. I just think about the future and everything and I start crying lol

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You didn't offend me sweetie. I just mean the sooner we stop thinking like that, the sooner the stigma attached to herpes will change. xx

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