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DanYellie

23/f.. My story..

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DanYellie

I've sort of been in a rut ever since I was diagnosed in October. It all began when I started to go out with my best girl friend. We started to go to this bar a lot and we met a bunch of new people. I've never been the type of girl to just have "flings" with guys. I've always had a good head on my shoulders when it came to relationships and being safe. However, this "one time" ruined me.

We began going to this bar every Tuesday for this "acoustic" set that a bunch of my friends would play songs and all of us would be drunk, singing and just having a grand ol' time. I became close with this one guy. He was 30 years old and seemed very mature to me. I've been looking for a guy who was a few years older than me.. and when I met him I thought, "Hm...". We would text, chat a lot and just hang out often. One random night, I went to his house. I know I should have used a condom, but you know, for some reason people think they're "invisible" like nothing will happen to them because nothing has... yet. It wasn't even good sex. It hardly lasted, no one finished, and it just was just... blah. He couldn't even get fully hard so it was such a waste of my time. I went home and then told my girlfriends about it. Even they were surprised that I had a "fling" with someone I wasn't dating. I know during these days thats super common, but I have always been about school and having relationships.. but I figured I want to experiment.. but I should have been safe.

A few days later, I got sick. Of course Herpes never entered my mind. I started to feel achey.. you know, the typical "flu like symptoms." I started to get so confused because in my head and body I felt fine.. but I was physically sick. I then noticed I had a bump. I don't recall how or why I decided to check.. but I did. There I saw it. The smallest bump which then created the largest speed bump in my life that is still taking me FOREVER to drive over.

It was the weekend time when I noticed, so my gyno was closed. I had to go to Planned Parenthood, which of course they don't take my insurance. So not only did I have to hear the worst news of my life, but I had to pay $100+ plus to hear it! I sat in the office waiting while having a fever and throwing up.. quite embarrassing. I got examined and explained to the doctor my situation. I was hysterical crying the entire time. Not only from being sick.. but being so mad at myself for being so stupid. So long story short, I got my results. I sat in my car for about an hour crying. I called my friend who used to come up to the bar with me but she was sleeping. I had no one to talk to. Luckily I'm close with my parents. I wanted to tell my mom but I kept thinking, "How could I?! It's so embarrassing and I don't want her to think she has this "****ty daughter." But, I called her. She was so shocked but amazing and just what I needed.. at least to help calm me down so I could drive home.

I got home and sat in my moms room with her and my dad and just cried.. googled Herpes.. and talked. It was the worst day of my life. I'll never forget it as much as I wish I could.

It was so hard for me because I knew the guy I was with. He wasn't some random dude.. he was my FRIEND. It broke my heart and just showed how horrible some humans can be.. so heartless and selfish. How could you possibly have unprotected sex with someone when you KNOW you have Herpes!?!?!? I'll never understand it to this day. It disgusts me to the point where I feel nauseous.

I haven't told the guy he gave it to me. He knows he has Herpes.. which I found out of COURSE a month later. I found out all this stuff about him that no one knew before. I wish I was warned earlier :(. I don't want my friends and everyone where I'm from to know.. because word travels faster than anything where I'm from. I've kept this inside for almost 6 months.. aside from my parents and 3 best friends knowing.. and my current boyfriend.

When I met my boyfriend, it was not even a month after I was diagnosed. I thought I'd never meet a guy my age who could understand and "Deal" with someone who has Herpes. Everyone thinks people who have Herpes are ****s and whores and get around with everyone. I'm the opposite 100%.. and I don't want to gain that sort of reputation. I just grin and bare it.. ya know, just try and show that I'm okay.

My boyfriend knows EVERYTHING. He's the most amazing person I have met in my almost 24 years of life. He's so pissed off at the guy for doing that to "an amazing girl." I made him promise he wouldn't do anything to him (as much as he wants to beat him to a pulp).. and he's respected my wishes. As painful as it is to drag him along this ride because now I'm "damaged goods," it's still my situation and I want to handle it how I want to.

2 of the girls who know my situation still go to this bar weekly. They still talk, chat, hang out with this guy. It breaks my heart. I've talked to them about this but, what can you do? I feel that if my best friend was burned by some guy, I'd never talk to him. There's plenty of fish in the sea to make as friends. But I guess they don't see it that way.. and I hate that I constantly think about it. My other 2 best friends moved. I have no one left here that I feel like i can "trust" besides my boyfriend. Girls need good girl friends that always have their backs ya know? I just feel like I don't have anyone.. at least here with me right now.

Well, thats my sob story. I've been in a rut since basically. My boyfriend now though is my hero. It's been only almost 4 months, but we are closer than anyone I have ever dated. You have to be in this situation. I could not keep me having Herpes secret at all from him. I told him like 2 days after we met. I wanted him to know from the start because I didn't want to get to know him and fall for him then have my heart broken once he knew (which was my biggest fear.) He's amazing and I'm so thankful for him. He really is my hero.. and I cry thinking about it.

I could go on and on forever about this topic.. but I know no one probably will read half of this. I'm just going insane in my brain constantly thinking about this. It definitely has affected me more psychologically than physically. I just hope I can learn to cope with it and not let it affect my everyday life. If anyone has read this, thank you. I needed to vent my brain out and I figured I would sign up on a website like this.. just incase someone has a similar situation or just any situation in how they got Herpes would read it.. maybe they'd understand what I'm going through so it would help me know that I'm not alone. I know I'm not alone. I'm a strong minded woman and the fact that this is eating me alive depresses me. Thank you for your time.. I truly 100% appreciate it.

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OneNighter

I totally understand your situation. I had a one-night stand in February (not something I usually do) and I ended up with HSV 2. About 7 days after the exposer I got really sick and went to the doctor a few times. I did not have any blisters at the time but they showed up right after the doctors visit. To make things worse I started a relationship with a girl that I have been crazy about right before I got sick. I have been in love with this girl for 2 years before we started seeing each other( finally).

So the shit hit the fan when my new girlfriend got really sick for about a week with server headaches. I ended up taking her to the Emergency Room 3 times in all. She was diagnosed with viral meningitis due to HSV 2. She missed two weeks of work and had to have her mom fly in and take care of her because it was so bad. She had already know about my Herpes but I did everything I could not to give it to her. I am almost sure now that I gave her HSV 2 orally because I don't know how else she would have gotten it. She had blood test and those came up negative so I am sure she did not have it before we met.

Just like you this ordeal had brought us closer together but I am still struggling daily with this burden. Everything could be different if that one night would have never happened and I am trying my best to get my head on straight so that my depression doesn't kill this relationship and my career.

You not along and we all need someone to lean on. Before this I thought I was a mentally strong person but this showed me how weak I really was. every day I get stronger so that one day I will be a strong person but that will take time am this is not that day

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satine

hey DanYellie

i can somehow relate to your story. i ended up hooking up with a "friend" after a night out. we'd known each other for more than a year. we never really went out on a date, always hung out in groups, but i knew he liked me. so when we finally hooked up a few of my friends even expressed a sigh of relief. but the sex wasn't good at all. i even met up with my friends the next day and told them about it. a few days later, i got sick. at first, the doctor thought it was UTI (she didn't inspect me since i had my period) but things got worse. when i went back for another checkup, she told me i had herpes. one thing that entered my mind then was, really? i got herpes from bad sex? somehow i wished the sex was mind-blowing so it'd feel worth it.

it was a hard pill to swallow and the pain was excruciating. but between the support i've been receiving from friends i've told and reading posts on this forum and learning more about the virus, i've pretty much accepted and welcomed my fate. i had surprised myself with the inner strength i possessed to get through this. a lifetime of healthy living with some errant skin breakouts is not so bad, if you think about it. i'm eating better, sleeping longer, making sure i drink my vitamins and keeping stress at bay. not a bad life sentence if you ask me.

you are lucky to find a guy who's supporting you throughout this. that's one thing that frightens me, having to tell someone i like someday that i have this virus and having to risk his rejection. i expressed this to my friends and one of them told me, you know what? someone fantastic is going to love you. you're strong and he'll be strong as well. you are lucky DanYellie, you already found someone fantastic! draw your strength from his and try seeing yourself through his eyes because i'm sure he sees a smart, beautiful, strong, amazing woman. now all you need to do is see it too! life is lived so much more beautifully with a smile. :D

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butcherbeats

im so glad u are happy with ur life sort-of, im still enduring the pain and suffering over a year on and dont think i will ever find any1, have a read of my story and reply bk, appreciated!

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wineintheafternoon

Thank you! so relatable!

Hey DanYellie,

Thank you so much for sharing your story! I can totally relate. I feel like having hsv automatically means that you are loose, and I also feel like it's so much more difficult for women - when there's already this preconceived notion that women are either totally chaste or totally dirty wh*res, and there's no happy middle where a woman can be proud to be sexually active.

My first boyfriend gave me hsv1 the first time we had oral sex (he apparently had no idea he had it, or that cold sores were herpes) this past March, and now I'm just starting to figure out how to cope with it after the outbreak is over. I ended up breaking up with the guy for other reasons, but I can't believe that I'm still a virgin and I have herpes on top of that. I feel like I didn't even have a chance to protect myself from anything, and of course had no idea that oral could lead so easily to herpes when there were no cold sores. I just met a pretty nice guy that is interested in me, and already I am thinking about having to have this conversation in the future, and it makes me more stressed out at the beginning stages that are supposed to be fun! So frustrating.

Anyway, I mostly wanted to thank you for sharing and venting, because I can definitely relate and it makes me feel a lot better knowing that I am not alone. :)

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  • The Hive is Thriving!

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      Lol, a thousand guinea pigs.  I think you raise a good question (though it's a bit sad that a 1000 guinea pigs might have to die). But every every preclinical study I know, also uses a fairly small number of lab animals.  It's rarely more than a few dozen.  For example, the EDITAS proof of concept ocular herpes solution tested in 36 animals, of which some got placebo, and some got AAV with no editors.  So testing in only a handful of animals seems to be the norm.  So I wouldn't read into that caveat too much, if I were you.  But whether that vaccine can ever enter human trials, that I don't know.   Some things I've read seemed to suggest that ppl are kind of down on the idea of testing vaccines, on account of the failures.  I hope that's not the case.  
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      hi Imsu, No problem about the questions.  Sangamo is a research stage stem cell and gene editing company.  They currently are not researching HSV.  But they have a gene editing and stem cell stage 1/2 trials going on regarding HIV.  The gene editing solution they are using is zinc fingers. https://www.sangamo.com/pipeline/partnered-programs And no problem about your questions.  Feel free to also inbox me if you like and want to continue the conversation.  I'm not an expert, but I've done my research.  Cheers.  
    • Thats_Her
      I’m more than sure you got it from your current boyfriend. 5 days later and you have an outbreak in the anal where you did it for the first time. I had a vaginal outbreak 5 days after unprotected sex with my ex. I knew I was from him because of the negative tests I had during my outbreak. Unfortunately he was i denial about the situation and didn’t support me at all. Your boyfriend may not have been aware that he had it. And he may also lie about it if he finds out he actually does carry the virus. Hopefully he gets tested and things get sorted out for the both of you. 
    • Lukeherpwalker
      If you are having genital symptoms. . and test positive for hsv1 its very relevant. Op may indeed have ghsv1
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