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Help I messed up huge...

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I have only had this herpes diagnosis for 6 mos. and I have been with the same person who gave it to me until a month ago. I am currently on Valtrex 500mg daily. Well 2 days ago I had unprotected sex with someone who does not know anything......I need to tell him and I really really like him!!! He is going to hate me and never talk to me again. How should I go about this?

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Well you definitely made a mistake. However, don't assume he will hate you, who knows there is a chance he already has it.

Casually ask him if he has ever had a cold sore. No on thinks they are bad things and chances are he has. Then say you should have told him earlier but you get cold sores but not on your mouth. Ask him if he knows what causes them and tell him if he does not. Ask for his forgiveness, then tell him some facts.

Tell him it is harder for a guy to catch it from a girl than vice versa and tell him that since you take daily meds you reduce the risk of transmission by 50%. Then show him the following article on transmission rates. As you can see it really isn't that easy to pass along:


Come to the Chat Room, there you will find many nice fellow Herpsters who can offer you their support.

Good luck!


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package deal

yep you messed up royally. You put another person a risk. if he reacts badly to it you cannot blame him. You just have to now woman up and tell him and accept the conustances of your actions

the thing here is not only to tell him but for you to learn from this. There no good reason of not first disclosing your herpies status to any partner either long term or one night stand before you induldge.

I know i am not being very sympthitic here . But i got herpies from someone just like you who knew he had herpies and choose not to disclose it to me. unfortunatly he has not learned his lesson and still happily spreading it.

You have a choce now. to be a good responsible person or a jerk selfish being. the choice is up to you.

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I did that ... a couple times. I was terrified of the reaction i would get when i told the guy. But then I'd get so scared and so upset that I lied about it, that I told him a couple days after the first time we had sex together. Annnd he wasn't mad... he understood it was took a lot of courage to tell him and that if he was in my situation he probably would have done the same thing. He was definitely glad that i TOLD him and was honest about it before he got a surprise. And the fact that i drove like an hour to see him to tell him in person at 12am... If he can't accept you for it, and appreciate the fact that you told him even though you were terrified... then he's not right for you anyway.

Don't fret. =)

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If he can't accept you for it, and appreciate the fact that you told him even though you were terrified... then he's not right for you anyway.

Don't fret. =)

Mmmm, yes and no on this one...... I am usually the biggest advocate for this advice, but in this case its a little bit different.

If the OP had told before intimacy, then yes this may be the case. But, she is telling after the fact.... which to some people may be a betrayal or a breach of trust.

If he chooses not to stay, it may be because of more than herpes - because of the fact that he was lied to (by omission) and because he had his choice taken away. He may have trust issues, he may have health issues, he may already have it.... you don't know but when we tell people, we give them a right to decide about their sexual health. And to some people that's a big deal so, he may well walk away, with good reason.

Hence the idea that is definitely good to tell prior to the clothes hitting the floor, not after it could potentially be too late.

To the OP, my advice is to fess up - and soon. Explain what you told us.... that you really care about him but you didn't know how to bring it up because you were nervous and weren't sure how he would react.

Make sure you are armed with facts and information as I am sure he will have questions so have some answers. Maybe even print out some info or direct him to this site for further information.

Best case scenario, he understands. Worst case scenario, you learn a lesson, sadly the hard way.

But I do wish you luck. Let us know how you go. I'll have my fingers crossed for a good outcome for you both.

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Try a Lysine supplement for cold sores

  • The Hive is Thriving!

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    • StayingUpbeat
      First, that your doctor simply tried non-generic valacyclovir instead of referring you to a dermatologist is surprising.  If you are taking daily Valacyclovir, and still have frequent visible lesions, a competent dermatologist would prescribe something called Foscarnet.  It is unfortunately an injection and (I believe) it must be administered weekly at an injection center or hospital.  However, the combination of weekly foscarnet and daily valacyclovir would almost certainly eliminate your visible outbreaks.  It's important to note that no current drug combination is known to totally eliminate HSV shedding.  You would need to have routine blood monitoring on this combination as Foscarnet has some potential side effects. Next, there are members on this site who have been able to obtain a drug called Amenalief from Japan.  It's a recently approved (in Japan) member of a class of HSV drugs called Helicase Primase Inhibitors (HPI): https://www.mimaki-family-japan.com/item/detail?item_prefix=TF&item_code=705711&item_branch=001 It is bio-similar to a drug called Pritelivir which is currently in clinical trials in the US for HSV in the immuno-compromised (i.e. organ transplants, HIV).  A member in this thread talks specifically about his experience taking 100mg/day to help with outbreaks.  It unfortunately sounds very expensive to take suppressively.  Finally, there was recently a small successful clinical trial on the use of topical squaric acid dibutylester (SADBE) for the control of HSV.  If your doctor is comfortable trying alternate therapies to control your outbreaks topical SADBE is an FDA approved cream that you could discuss trying.  My recommendation would be to bring this paper discussing the trial to your next doctor's visit.  It would be an off-label use but the cream is relatively benign.  It's most frequent use is clearing-up cutaneous warts on children. As always none of this discussion constitutes medical advice (I am simply a middle-aged engineer not a doctor) and you should always follow the direction of your doctor or medical professional over advise found on the internet.  One of these three options may however improve your situation.  Unless there is something other than HSV going on.
    • Hellothere123
      I really don’t feel like I can keep going on with this, it’s always in the back of my head and I feel like I’m not worthy of love anymore and I just want to end it all 
    • honkschonks
      @Anon222 I told the women I have slept with most recently. She’s been a regular partner who has had zero symptoms. She’s going to get tested. She’s the most level headed person I know and a good friend. One doctor told me for legal reasons to tell everyone in the past year that I have it. Another doctor said that’s unrealistic and pointless. I have no idea when it started as I had no major undoubtable outbreak, so going back a year may be too far, it may not be far enough. I’m not sure what to do. It has irritated me how casual doctors are about this. It won’t kill you but The emotional effect of knowing you have it or thinking you may have it seems to be more damaging than having it. People on here talking about suicide. I guess that’s why they don’t test for it, or it just got out of hand and there’s no going back. Strangely I haven’t been that stressed about it. Luckily I’ve been very busy working so I haven’t had time worry about it. Thanks @NY12345 for your thoughts.
    • Runride
      I've heard of STD dating sites but have never looked into one. Are they real? And does anyone have any experience with them?  If someone does I would really like to hear some details.  They sound kind of scary, but it seems it could also be a relief to know I would be less likely to be judged for this condition.
    • IcantThinkofaName
      I've also considered this option..and its still looking like a good idea. so... Did you try any other Av's like famvir or privetir? I think there are some others too...  Up the vitamin C, check your vit D levels via bloodwork... Are you stressed out or have a stressful lifestyle ( aside from having HSV, which alone is a stressor)? There are no other health issues going on ? How hard are your workouts? The last few Obs I had were after very intense resistance/weight workouts, and I was completely exhausted after...combined with a night of bad or little sleep. Tried L- glutamine supplementation? Lithium orotate ( its a supplement too) has been known to supress the virus/replication too. I have also read it could mutate it...not sure how accurate that is, or if there was a study that proved that..maybe google it. I took The lithium one time and it was an abbreviated/shorter Outbreak than others...but I was also taking alot of vit C, or it could have happened for another reason...I'll never know for sure. but...mediating for 12 hours a day might help too... (seriously) but just don't meditate on HSV. Or maybe in another year your body will get a better hold on the virus and can cope better. it is depressing, I can relate.  My Obs have finally  lessened after 1 yr and 3 months. I still have almost daily sensations, tingling though..I'm probably contagious AF. Sex isn't really on the radar anymore. so No reason to take the AVs as they cause some side effects for me. Time to join that monastery. There are more important things in life than sex, right?  (thats what some people are telling me and I want to punch them. I really liked/enjoyed sex) Hang in there. I was told after the 6 yr mark, HSV becomes a non issue in your body. ( thats what one of my Drs told me, so  not sure how accurate that is either, but I guess it gives me 4.5 years of hope) let me know if any of this helps or you find something that does.I wish you the best.  

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