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sara2012

Not a day goes by...

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sara2012

I am new to this and have gone through waves of emotions over the past few months. I went from a confident, outgoing, successful career woman who thought I had life under control to someone who just feels betrayed, beaten, and cheated by life’s circumstances. I realize as I write this that there are worse things out there and people in worse conditions than I, but I feel powerless being in a situation I have absolutely no control over. I am in my early thirties and am in a place where I was ready to start looking for a partner to settle down with, and feel that has been severely compromised. It is so hard waking up and feeling like a different person than I was only a few short months ago.

I am not out of the woods yet with my emotions, but am thankful to have stumbled upon this website, and am curious to see what supports it has to offer. I am not going to let this get the best of me, but not a day goes by where I am not praying for a cure...

My heart goes out to all of you in the same position. We cannot let this define who we are.

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LetGo

I am also new to this and I too think about this every day of my life. Yes, there are worst things and i try to remind myself of that too. I was diagnosed about 6 months ago and have been taking daily medication ever since and i have thankfully had no breakouts. I try to remind myself that this isn't going to prevent me from doing what i want in life but I understand the emotions that can come from this. I go through waves of anger, confusion, denial, and fear and I am trying to let this go. When i read what you wrote "we cannot let this define who we are" it really had an impact. We may be emotional but as the days go by i hope to be able to cope with this and hopefully we won't be the same as we were, we will be stronger than ever. Best wishes to you.

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Kitty123

Dear Sara & LetGo:

I am 8 months in with GHSV2, and I am not proud of how I contracted it. I took a break from my relationship, and slept with someone who I thought was my friend but I was at a vulnerable stage in my life, and he took advantage of it, he lied to me, was dishonest, told me he was clear of all STDs, but harbored his little 'secret', and decided not to tell me.

The worst part of all - is that I brought it back into my relationship without even knowing what it was until I was diagnosed. Lucky for me, my fiancee is more affected by my silly rendevouz than he is bothered by contracting Herpes from me, as he decided to accept the risk, and we have both decided to work on our issues.

Actually - scratch that - the WORST part of all - is that I used a condom with this guy....but I KNOW I caught it from him....because of what he told me afterwards, and then outright denied that he told me.

So I understand what it's like to go through a rollercoaster of emotions, but what I can assure you - is that it does get better. I didn't even believe that in the beginning, but I've decided to LET GO of bitterness and hurt, because it keeps me tied to the past which I don't want to be because I harbored alot of anger at myself and my totally dishonest friend for doing that to me, and I cannot change the mistake I made, and it took me a long time to accept the fact that I am not perfect and I am expected to make some mistakes along the way.

We are the creators of our own destiny. But not without reason.

Out of something bad, will come something good.

In time, everything will be ok. You will get adjusted to the new you, and you will see that it will change you for the better. And you will still be that same beautiful, loving, sexual being you always were. Just more on a conscious level.

((HUGS))

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LetGo

Kitty, thank you for your response your words are very inspiring.

I am still very concerned that i may pass it along to my boyfriend who i have been with for almost 3 years now, I am pretty sure he is not the one who i got it from because he tested negative. He has been very loving and supportive and i am so thankful for him. I have only had one other partner besides him and that was my first boyfriend i had for 2 years. I found out at the very end of our relationship that he had been cheating on me so he is most likely the source. The uncertainty bothers me but i try not to dwell on it. Every day I feel a little better. After my first post last night i had a good cry, it felt good to let it all out and have others to talk to in my same situation. I had been bottling up my emotions and I started to realize it was affecting my life and my behavior, the last thing i want to do is push away the people who i love but it is hard to talk to them about this, they can't understand how i feel but you all can and i am thankful i found this site.

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sara2012

Hi ladies;

It was really inspiring reading your replies. Although I share your agony with the situation we all share, it brings comfort knowing I am not in this alone.

I absolutely love the points you touch on... becoming stronger because of this, letting go of bitterness and hurt, and that it does get better. Reading your posts was the first time I have ever been able to smile while facing this subject.

After my first post last night i had a good cry, it felt good to let it all out and have others to talk to in my same situation. I had been bottling up my emotions and I started to realize it was affecting my life and my behavior, the last thing i want to do is push away the people who i love but it is hard to talk to them about this, they can't understand how i feel but you all can and i am thankful i found this site. “

LetGo when I read this it made me cry also. I couldn’t have summed it up better, right down to the pushing friends’ away part. I am not at the point where I have felt I can talk to anyone in my life about this yet. The past few months (especially over Christmas) have been so hard L

Thanks for the comments back on my post, last night was the second time I have logged in and the first time I have posted anything. So nice hearing from both of you ladies... stay strong! xo

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blackbeauty82

I really appreciate you for saying that. I'm truly in denial when I'm not having an outbreak. My life appears to be perfect. The moment my lymph nodes begin to feel tender, my world comes crashing down. You are absolutely right...WE CAN NOT let this define us.

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sara2012

Hey blackbeauty;

I agree, we cannot let a stupid virus overshadow everything that we are. I am having such a hard time with this but we need to remember we are the same person we were before this with the same sense of self worth. The phrase “1 in 4” keeps playing over in my mind, and I can’t help but remind myself that sooo many people are infected with this virus, whether they know it or not. This topic is still considered taboo even though it is so prevalent...

Thanks for the post... xo

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blackbeauty82

Thank you for responding. I'm teary eyed right now because I'm actually having an outbreak. During these times, I get really sad, angry, regretful...ugh...so many emotions...but your words have encouraged me. I think about that 1 in 4 thing alot also. It's usually when I'm on an elevator or in a room filled with people that I wonder who besides me has this virus (I know...that's sad right).

X'S AND O'S BACK AT CHA!!!

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sara2012

Your words encourage me also. Ah regretful, that is a word I am having a hard time with lately. I’ve always believed in “not living life with regrets”, and “things happen for a reason”. But it is just so hard for me to understand in these circumstances. As for the 1 in 4 thing, not sad... I do the same thing. Everyone looks like a statistic to me. I wonder who has it and knows, and who has it and doesn’t know. The number of people who are infected and do not know is shocking. I wish there was more public awareness around this. Words cannot describe the emotional implications this has had on me. I feel 10 years older, and I don’t look at or think about things like I used to. I have spent less time with friends and more time on the computer than ever before...

Having said all of that, like I said earlier, we cannot lower our sense of self worth based on a diagnosis. We owe it to ourselves to be the same strong women we were before this and still are. (It is good for me to write this as I need to hear it also.) There are worse things out there, at least this seems somewhat manageable. You are so many things to so many people, this does not change that. This whole ordeal has made me think we need to educate people more... prevention but also awareness. This is a reality...

Thanks for your feedback, you are not alone... xo

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LetGo

I agree Sara there needs to be more awareness about this, I feel ashamed and why? because i was lied to? deceived? I can't tell you how often I am watching TV or having a conversation where someone cracks a herpes joke, and i admit maybe 6 months ago i would have laughed but i was uneducated on the matter also and now when i hear ignorant jokes it just makes me sad and i feel incredibly awkward. I can't blame the people, they are just unaware how hurtful jokes like that can be. I work in the medical industry and i still hear co workers taking bad about people with STDs, so often i want to defend these people but i know that would just make it obvious as to what i have and well like i said most people are ignorant to the disease and would treat you completely different, I not ready to tell the whole world nor should i I have to. Even my first obgyn treated me like if i coughed on him he would catch it, I have flashbacks every day of the moment i was diagnosed. I went to the ER for having pain where i was told my bladder was falling and i needed surgery well i was terrified so the next day i had my mom drive me to my obgyn I am 23 but i needed someone by my side i was so scared and in so much pain and the doc takes one look inside and says "looks like herpes" my mother faints and the doctor just looks at her and walks out I thought he was going to get a nurse but he never returned and i had to get up... undressed and all to help my mother up and go outside and call for help. This guy was an asshole to me I have seen him so many times before then and never had he treated me like this. He never returned to my exam room just left me a prescription for Valtrex with the nurse and that was it, didn't even try to educate me or talk to me...needless to say I never went back to him. It's sad to see that even doctors need to improve their methods and how they go about treating patients with STDs. I have a great doctor now but she was hard to find, others might not be so lucky or may not have the luxury of picking their doctor. There needs to be awareness! Thank you all for your responses it feels great to talk to strong inspiring women who are dealing with the same issues as myself.

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