I have the herps, my man doesn't...But he is my solid rock!

[ouch]

I wrote about this before, and thought I should again. Perhaps to help others out there find a good mate!

I suspected I had herpes but wasn't sure. Contracted through my jerk ex boyfriend who KNEW he had it and was in denial...or just mean spirited. I never had the "initial outbreak" that I had read other people mention. I was lucky in that aspect. I never really had any outbreaks in the beginning, so I started to think maybe my diagnosis was incorrect.

Almost a year later of my initial diagnosis, I meet my current fella. I was crazy about him from the get go and I think he felt likewise. I did NOT have that talk with him at first, as I had never had to do that and was worried. I was delusional with myself in that maybe...hoping beyond hope , that the there was a mistake and I was ok. I did have intercourse with him once, protected, but then I was riddled with so much guilt I made myself physically ill. (I had dated other men, but not been intimate, and was not really looking for a relationship, so I never had to have this talk!)

I posted about this on this board here. Got some "tough love" and good advice on "telling". I sat him down one night soon after and talked to him about it. Told him everything. He sat calmly and listened to me. I just gave him the facts as calm as I could, as I didn't want to scare him. his response was "wow, I was afraid you wanted me to come over to break up with me! You sounded so serious!" HAHAHA! THEN, I started to bawl! I was so relieved. He had some knowledge of the disease, and he did some more research after I had our discussion. He was calm, cool and collected about the whole thing. He said, 'hell, from what I have read, anyone can have this disease. I could have had it an not known it!" (he has had no outbreaks of anykind and I do every thing I can to ensure he never will!)

HE is the one who keeps me calm when I am stressing out, makes sure I eat good, take my vitamins. He knows when I am stressing and reminds me to not get worked up, so I don' t have an outbreak! By telling him, I was able to shed tears for the first time that I had this stupid virus! (I never did when I found out...I was too pissed off!) Now, if I sense an OB, I tell him and sometimes it seems just in telling him, the OB goes away or becomes less severe. I am sure that is just psychosomatic, but none the less, he has become my partner in dealing with this disease.

But despite the herpes bullshit, which is a small part of our life...an annoying one to be sure, but small, we are so happy. He is such a good man, in more ways than one. He is kind and gentle and strong and smart. He is a loving father to our infant (yes, we procreated, and our baby is healthy, we had a csection.) and a good stepfather to my older son from my first marriage. We have alot of fun together and laugh together and rarely argue. Never "fight". I wish all my women friends could find a man like this. He had old fashioned values, but is a fun and silly hearted man. i truly feel blessed to have this person in my life.

So for those slowly jumping back into the dating game, it is tough, but there IS someone out there for you. And not neccesarily someone who also has herpes. Many people are more enlightened than we give them credit for. Don't settle for less than you deserve, just because you have this virus. We are not bad people for having it. Maybe a bit unlucky compared to others who have not caught it, but that is it. I know quite a few women who have such low self esteem due to herpes, and end up with this down low men because of it. That is crap! Find your own mister wonderful! Who will love you no matter what and NEVER EVER throw this disease in your face. (not once has my guy made me feel bad because of it. NOT ONCE! He has always been suportive. And if I have a bad OB, he is right there, holding me and telling me it will be ok!) Keep your chin up, and eyes wide open! And when the time is right, you too will find the best mate!

Now...if I can get over my whole OCD thing (due to herpes) life would be great! hahahaha!

Good luck and bless you all!

ouch

[Unbelievable]

I can totally relate... my man thought I was telling him I had it to get out of sleeping with him... and so he was releived that I still wanted him... crazy boy.... thank god though....

[lajc]

Hey Ouch,

Know how you feel. There are some wonderful men out there. Too bad you have to associate with the jerks first. My guy is still hanging in there. Got to spend almost a week together. Did alot of talking, hanging out. He tells me he loves me everytime we talk and see each other and plans on showing it in actions too. We worked around my OCD after making love. He suggested we "conserve" water together after by taking a shower / bath. I can still be the paranoid little critter when it comes hygiene after the fact. Found out you can still have a life after HSV. As for an infant, working on that. Taking position if it happens - Wonderful - if it don't it don't. He doesn't want me stressing out over it.

Congrads on Your Happiness, Your Man & Your Baby!!!!!

Wonderful to hear good news from others..............................

[schaeffz]

Experience with female condoms?????

My lady-friend with HSVII is very afraid of infecting me. It stiffles most of her sexual activity with me past second base. We made it to third base (with her doing most of the "work" for herself), but her shame and guilt took hold afterwards. For her, intercourse with me after marriage is the only option, and even then she figures she'll be afraid. I believe her when she feels that it is her responsibility to not infect me since there is still the chance that we may break up. I am planning on asking her to marry me soon, at which point I want to be able to change her mind.

I'm not afraid of being infected (I have been tested and have not been infected, since my only partner in my life was my wife of 34-years who passed away last Summer). At the same time I am hoping to find ways of prevention that would give her some piece of mind. So I've run across the female condom as a possibility.

Does anyone have experience with Female Condoms?

Seems to me that since the female condom stays fairly in place and does not move around, that it would provide a layer of protection against friction, and thus less of a chance of triggering an outbreak. The penis moves within the condom. As opposed to with a male condom the penis rubs unhampered against the vaginal walls. The female condom gives an additional inch of protection outside, where the male condom does not.

Any takers on this one?

[ouch]

Thanks, there are good guys like you out there. Hang in there, she will come around. BUt I can understand her fears! As for the female condome, I have not tried it, but sounds like a good idea. extra protection, eh?

I can also relate about the OCD thing....I really didn't have this until after the baby was born. I was always a clean/neat freak, but not to this extent. I am so afraid of my baby catching it. After going through a c section and everything, for him to get it NOW from something dumb like, I didn't wash my hands good enough, would devastate me. But I keep trying to keep the logical side of me in focus. SO many people have this stuff, and babies are around parents and adults with it all the time and do not end up with it, so...

But yeah, I have a good fella. He is just great. You do have to wean your way through a bunch of jerks first, but you know, that is EVERYONE, not just people with HSV2. In some ways, maybe HSV2 helps you weed out the jerks much quicker, keeps things more honest.

I know I am able to talk to my man about EVERYTHING....what use to be SO personal and private now I am all " oh yea, I am pmsing today and I had an outbreak and I want to eat pizza...." hahaha.

Good luck to you all, and if anyone else DOES have the scoop on female condoms, I am all eyes/ears!

[sassy]

all I have to say is Amen for good men, or partners, mine is great too. We do not use protection, haven't from the very beginning, and he's known the whole time. That of course isn't what makes him wonderful, but it definately helps that we can have sex in a veryintimate way without freaking out. He's a good one. And he is the good kind, that most women would like to find, sexy, nice body, great sense of humor, GREAT job, good to my 2 boys from a previous relationship, fun, and just all around good. So, it is very true that one does not have to settle because we have herpes. It's all in finding the right person, and they are out there!!