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Marie Elizabeth

How do I get my sex life back with my boyfriend?

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Marie Elizabeth

I am a couple weeks into knowing I have HSV2 and over my first OB. My boyfriend does not know if he has it. He believes however that it could be likely that he has it and is asymptomatic and may have possibly passed it to me. We have been on and off for the last 8 months and both of us have had our fair share of sexual relationships in the past so noone is pointing fingers. We have recently acknowledged that we are head over heals in love with each other. He has no concerns with this virus but I am very concerned with getting the virus somewhere else on my body or on his. In addition, when I had my talk with him about this virus he shared with me that he had a couple cold soars on his mouth years ago. So chances are he has HSV1. I have never had a cold soar on my mouth. I am on Valtrex once a day for suppression.

Okay so now that you have the background maybe you can help me with the sex questions as my doctor has not been very helpful. I already know about using condoms, lubrication, and not having sex during an OB.

1. We have had sex a couple times and used condoms and KY warming lotion for lubrication. But after a few minutes the sex can get painful for me; even worse if we attempt morning sex after having sex the night before. My doctor has examined me and my OB was fully healed. Why is this happening and what can I do to prevent it? I did not have the pain from sex prior to my first OB.

2. He likes to have foreplay and touch me below the belt all the time. I get very nervous about him touching me and getting Whitlow finger (his job causes him to have cuts on his fingers all the time) or spreading the virus to other parts of me or him. Can this happen and any reccomendations on prevention?

3. He kisses me all the time on my forehead and near my eyes and sometimes touches my eyelids with his lips. With him having HSV1 what are the chances of my getting Ocular Herpes?

4. We didnt have a lot of oral sex previously but he has been talking about performing it on me and it would be nice if I could return the favor. How safe is this and minus a dental dam/condom is there anything we can do to prevent transmission this way. What are the chances of transmission.

The only thing getting me through having this virus is my boyfriend and also that noone can tell that I have it as it is below my belt. I am very nervous that I may get herpes in a more visible spot and would not be able to handle that. I also believe that intimacy is a very important part of a relationship and telling him to wash his hands in the middle of sex can not be a turn on for him nor can stopping him in the middle of sex because I feel painful irritation. Please I need suggestions and guidance.

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mommy23

Did they do an internal exam to make sure you weren't having an internal outbreak? You can get them in your vagina and on your cervix. I don't know about all the odds you're looking for, but if you're having burning during sex with lube and a condom, it might be the lube and or condom. I can't use warming lubes because it irritates my vagina horribly - feels like burning instead of warming. Also, I have a latex sensitivity so I can't use latex condoms. I'm not allergic in that I don't get hives or my throat swelling shut or anything, it's more an irritant. Like the lube, it's more of a burning/pulling sensation and it gets worse the more you use them. Something to think about - especially the lube since it has menthol in it which can really irritate things.

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Marie Elizabeth

Thanks for the response. The lube I was using was the warming one and it would feel more like burning than warming. I was examined internally after my outbreak healed and the pain is more on the outside lower area so I am pretty sure that I do not have any soars internally. After hearing you describe your reaction I am starting to think maybe it is the Lube. We picked up another kind that is water based for sensitive skin; crossing my fingers that this works.

Would love some guidance on my other questions.

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HazelEyes

same questions

I've been thinking about the same things. Wouldn't mind seeing some answers... I was diagnosed last week. I'm seeing someone. My first OB is sort of mild - mostly itching and feels like little cuts on the labia, but I am wondering when it will go away and if I will be able to have a normal sex life again ever.

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alaskagn

Marie, this sounds similar to what I'm going through.

A few months into dating, my girlfriend was diagnosed HSV-2. I immediately got tested and found out that although I didn't have HSV-2, I do have HSV-1. She's been taking her Valtrex, but it seems like she's in a constant state of OB.

Our sex life went from 5-8 times a week to once a week or less now because of her vaginal pain. Sex hurts for her, even with good lube. Missionary is the only position that is comfortable for her. I came to these forums wondering if any other HSV-2 women have experienced similar symptoms, and also to ask if it will get better. Will it? Will the herpes settle down and allow her libido to return, or is our once-weekly sex frequency what I should expect? She was diagnosed back in June and things haven't shown any improvement.

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Kitty123

Alaska:

My libido is currently shot. I only have sex with my fiancee once per week, and sometimes it puts a strain, but you know what? There are other ways to be pleasured. My fiancee has accepted the risk of contracting HSV2, (if he hasn't already), and if I itch, we have sex anyway. It's the tingling, and the pain that totally shuts me off. I just can't. I can't even get AROUSED, and it's totally NOT HIM. That's the important thing for you to remember. ITS NOT YOU. :)

I was diagnosed in July 2010 and I am also on daily suppressive Valtrex, and I double-up my dosage alot too.

IT WILL GET BETTER. I've found an improvement over time, and I know a few months from now, I'll find even MORE improvement.

Patience and LOVE is all it takes to get through it. :)

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BranMakMorn

Geez Kitty, sex once a week, seems like that is a good frequency. Here is a secret with most men: we actually get bored with sex and it isn't a sine no qua of existance for us.

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Kitty123

I forgot to add - sometimes it isn't even once a week. Let's factor in - stress from my job, being tired, if I have my period, I get an OB either before it, or a few days after it.

But in a way - when we do have sex, its wonderful, because it doesn't get boring the longer you go without it :)

When my fiancee keeps bugging me about it, (wanting it almost every day), I say to myself, "REALLY?? Is that your priority these days?" - he just wants to feel adequate and I TOTALLY understand what he means. But from a different angle, sex is not love. It's just a wonderful meaningful addition to a relationship. But if you have a bond outside of that, that you can't be without, sex is just a fun part. And can be made more fun even if you have to have it less frequently for awhile :)

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ProudMom

I think the important thing to remember is to RELAX. Your body already has the antibodies so the chance of it spreading to your eyes or mouth is unlikely. If you're worried about your boyfriend, ask him to get a blood test. If he already has the antibodies, it's unlikely he'll get whitlow or ocular herpes.

My BF and I are very sexually active, we both have lots of family commitments so when we are alone we do it often. Right now I am mid-outbreak but I only have HSV2 on my genitals so if we want to get frisky I can give him oral. We have some alone time this weekend and I will probably have him use a toy on me and I'll give him oral, but no genital-to-genital contact, and I might even have him wear a glove during the toy action, just to be safe. We laugh about it, we enjoy each other, it's FUN. This is part of the reason I love him so much, he accepted my herpes pretty nonchalantly and said "whatever, we'll deal with it." So try to stop worrying so much!!

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MsLucy

I was diagnosed about 4 years ago. For a while, I experienced the same paranoia you all have expressed here, although my partner (who also has it) wasn't the least bit concerned about spreading it around to other areas. (When it comes to sex, he's sort of a 'gung-ho' guy, if you know what I mean ;)). Eventually, I figured out that, although we weren't taking any precautions (aside from abstaining during obs... usually), nothing bad was happening. Neither of us started getting obs in new areas, and nothing shrivelled up and fell off. I also figured out that, the less I worried about it, the better the sex got, and the better the sex got, the less I worried. (You've got to have your priorities, you know)

Herpes isn't as easy to spread around as you might think, especially once your antibodies kick in. The chance of spreading it from one part of your body to another diminishes to almost zilch over a period of time. And you know... if I ever do end up with a cold sore on my lip, I'll at least know I came by it honest... and had a damn good time getting it. :yeahbabyyeah:

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alaskagn
I was diagnosed about 4 years ago. For a while, I experienced the same paranoia you all have expressed here, although my partner (who also has it) wasn't the least bit concerned about spreading it around to other areas. (When it comes to sex, he's sort of a 'gung-ho' guy, if you know what I mean ;)). Eventually, I figured out that, although we weren't taking any precautions (aside from abstaining during obs... usually), nothing bad was happening. Neither of us started getting obs in new areas, and nothing shrivelled up and fell off. I also figured out that, the less I worried about it, the better the sex got, and the better the sex got, the less I worried. (You've got to have your priorities, you know)

Herpes isn't as easy to spread around as you might think, especially once your antibodies kick in. The chance of spreading it from one part of your body to another diminishes to almost zilch over a period of time. And you know... if I ever do end up with a cold sore on my lip, I'll at least know I came by it honest... and had a damn good time getting it. :yeahbabyyeah:

Can I ask what the first year of having herpes was like for you?

I guess I'm just trying to understand what my gf is going through, how I can be supportive, and of course how long I'm gonna have less sex than I'd like (I hope that doesn't sound selfish).

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sharajane

I live with herpes for 2 years.Recently, I joined a std chatting site named STDchats .com .There are a lot of people living with HIV.I make friends there and share experience with other herpes member.I also get some useful advice from the online doctor there.You can go and have a try.

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MsLucy

Alaskagn, the first year wasn't so bad. I had it for a while before I realized what it was. I'd get obs now and then, but always figured they were something else. It took a long time for me to put my symptoms and herpes together.

When I finally got the diagnosis, I really thought our relationship would be over. I went through all the 'who would ever want to make love to me now?" emotions that everyone goes through. It was my partner who got me over that quick, because to him, it really didn't matter, and he made that very clear... not only with words, but by his actions, as well.

Your attitude will go a long way in helping your gf regain her sexuality. There's nothing wrong with being a little agressive about expressing your feelings about sex. Make her feel desirable. Talk to her when you have sex, and tell her how good she is, and how she turns you on. Make her feel beautiful, and she'll respond. Great sex originates in the mind. Inspire her. It will be well worth the effort.

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alaskagn
Alaskagn, the first year wasn't so bad. I had it for a while before I realized what it was. I'd get obs now and then, but always figured they were something else. It took a long time for me to put my symptoms and herpes together.

When I finally got the diagnosis, I really thought our relationship would be over. I went through all the 'who would ever want to make love to me now?" emotions that everyone goes through. It was my partner who got me over that quick, because to him, it really didn't matter, and he made that very clear... not only with words, but by his actions, as well.

Your attitude will go a long way in helping your gf regain her sexuality. There's nothing wrong with being a little agressive about expressing your feelings about sex. Make her feel desirable. Talk to her when you have sex, and tell her how good she is, and how she turns you on. Make her feel beautiful, and she'll respond. Great sex originates in the mind. Inspire her. It will be well worth the effort.

I definitely have that taken care of. I tell her all the time how attractive and desirable I find her, and all the sexy things I want to do with her. It seems to me, based on what she tells me, that the issue is more that she seems to be in a near-constant OB. Sex is often physically painful for her, and she says that she frequently feels uncomfortable "down there", such that even things like peeing can be uncomfortable. Have any of you ladies experienced that? Because from what I've read and understand, she shouldn't feel like she's having an OB almost all the time.

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Kitty123
. Have any of you ladies experienced that? Because from what I've read and understand, she shouldn't feel like she's having an OB almost all the time.

The first year is usually what has the most viral activity, so its understandable for her to feel like she's having constant OB (it doesn't mean she does). I used to be paranoid and think that EVERYTHING was an OB, and I shut my fiancee off completely, but then I started feeling better, and better and better. It's very important that you try very hard to make her feel desirable, since she probably doesn't feel to hot-to-trot right now 'down there' (I'm sure she is a beautiful woman though!), while I understand that can be hard for you to do because - well - let's face it - you would like to have some lovin' and attention in return, right? Believe me - if your woman loves you, and as soon as she starts to feel like she's had a grasp on how the virus reacts in her body - she will come around. Do everything you can (without being pushy or too aggressive), to bring the spice back.

Keep in mind, that its different for a woman with Herpes than it is a man. Women have different nerve endings down there, and it's almost a complete turn off when she feels tingling or pinching, or pain - because the first reaction is "OMG its Herpes", and lets face it - Herpes isn't actually something that makes you feel turned on! LOL ;) it will take some time. But she needs your love and patience more than anything I'm sure. :)

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Purple07

I definitely have that taken care of. I tell her all the time how attractive and desirable I find her, and all the sexy things I want to do with her. It seems to me, based on what she tells me, that the issue is more that she seems to be in a near-constant OB. Sex is often physically painful for her, and she says that she frequently feels uncomfortable "down there", such that even things like peeing can be uncomfortable. Have any of you ladies experienced that? Because from what I've read and understand, she shouldn't feel like she's having an OB almost all the time.

I know exactly how ur gf feels I'm going through the exact same thing right now, it seems like my outbreak is never ending, I could Hardly have sex with my bf, maybe once every two weeks and when we do have sex it's painful, I immediately feel the pain after and a sore opens up. It just makes me not want to have sex, idk what to do anymore, we are both trying to do the best we can to deal with this because before we were diagnosed we had an amazing sex life, and it just seems like it will never be the same at this point.

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