:-(

[laur]

First I want to say that I am so happy that I found this site... I was just diagnosed about a month ago and I had a HORRIBLE time at the dr. She also gave me absolutely no information and I was in such shock I didnt ask any questions... This board among others have been a godsend in teaching me about this pesky virus and for helping me know that I am not alone....

Well heres my story.. I am a 28 year old single female... I had a bout of sexual promiscuity when I was just fresh out of college and contracted HPV.... luckily my future partners ( i had 3 long term ( 1+ yrs) relationships after this time... and they all knew my HPV status & luckily it was "flushed" from my system .... Ok so December of 2004 the love of my life broke up with me.... I was beyond depressed. I didnt date until June of 2005. But then things got bad... I was depressed and partying with my friends and made some foolish decisions (unprotected sex with 3 men during the summer)... 2 of these were 1 time.. I was ashamed and even more upset after 2 of them. So after the summer I was even more depressed due to my "behavior" and I figured I must have caught "something" Three months after all encounters I got tested for all stds including H and HIV... all negative... Ok so Im still feeling guilty but things are looking up ....

Now fast fwd to December.... I have started dating a guy I have known for over a year who is newly single... We go out a bunch of times and then the big night arrives.... I know that I have just been tested and I know that he has just gotten out of a 2 year relationship so we dont use protection (STUPID AGAIN).... 2 days later I have this insane itching and 2 days later a sore. It was very mild but I believe I spread it to other areas ( i knew that something wasnt rigt and I kept lookin/ touchin/ etc) So i go to the dr.. culture done comes back POSITIVE however she never told me the type and I forgot to ask so I need to call her when im ready .... As soon as this happens I tell the guy and he is so supportive for a week.. then he DISAPPEARS without me even telling him the results!! Just like that GONE. The whole time i was convinced it had to be from one of my summer flings (even though my bloodtest was negative at 3 months.. but i know that antibodies could take longer????) But his shady behavior is making me think that maybe it is from him ... I have heard that herpes can be asymptomatic in people for years... I know that it is silly for me to try and figure out where this is from but i cant help it...

I have been having a really hard time dealing with this.. I was depressed before and this has accelerated my depression and anxiety. I am currently seeing a therapist and on meds for depression and anxiety and things are slowly getting better ( last month lost 15 pounds and missed almost a week of work because i couldnt get out of bed) My therapist keeps telling me that this is not a punishment but i cant help it... if i only didnt make those stupid decisions...

I am really afraid that I am never going to be able to find someone to love me again or have a normal relationship... Thank you so much for reading this lengthy summary !! any words of encouragement would be so appreciated.

[sassy]

first off, don't beat yourself up too bad, you made some mistakes, learn from them. The one thing you can be greatful of in this situation is that your mistakes hurt you, not someone else. Now you just have to take responsibility and be sure not to pass this to anyone. As far as the depression and all, times does heal all things. With enough time you will start to accept this and feel a little better. It IS really difficult. I've had it for about 5 years and at first it was so mild, I didn't even take the valtrex, and then it was gone for like 6 months at a time and then I didn't have an outbreak for 9 months, and I was ecstatic!!!! HOWEVER---now I have been having them like CRAZY. I am not sure what the deal is, however, I have learned a lot from this forum and I realize that the virus can manifest itself in so many ways and everyone's experience will be unique. In time, you will learn to deal with this and handle it just fine, it takes a while, I felt like "damaged goods" but that is NOT the case. Keep your head up and truly look for the positive things in your life, they are there, they may be hiding but they are definatly there, and if you can't find them, create them. Don't let this virus define who you are, it is only a small piece of you.

Take Care!