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Marriage and kids in religion


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1. I have always been worried about having kids. The world seems so messed up. Still, I work really hard and hoped to have a big family, because it says in the Bible to be fruitful and multiply. Now I am scared. Even putting aside the small chance of giving the virus to my kids, I worry for my mental health. I am in a serodiscordant relationship. What if I should catch the virus and have terrible outbreaks. I worry for my mental health and keeping my act together. I know I would always take care of my children no matter what, but Im worried too about the strain on a father.

2. Having energy in life is tough. Sometimes when I'm depressed it feels like a have no energy, and that I can't even look at people proudly in the eye or stand up with dignity. Will catching the virus make this more difficult?

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You're worrying about a lot of things that haven't happened, and that is always mentally distressing. The reality is: There is really no chance of passing it to your future children. Many couples are together for years and the negative partner never gets herpes. If you are one of the few who do, your OBs could be mild, as are many , including mine. It is harder for a man to catch it from a woman. Herpes is really not much of a strain unless you let it become one. With meds, it's a mildy annoying skin condition and a virus that many people have. Your depression is a seperate issue and yes, since you're afraid, it probably would worsen with a herpes diagnosis. But you should seel counseling for that now, perhaps through your church. Good luck!

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  • 1 month later...

I'm going to assume, from the tone of your post, that you haven't been married all that long. Please, correct me if I'm wrong.

Marriage is hard, and being a parent is harder. You have reason to be... hesitant. Anyone who pays any attention to the current situation of the world would be wise to consider whether having children (especially a bunch of them) is the best thing to do. I know the Bible says to 'be fruitful and multiply' but you have to remember, that was before the planet was already sagging from the weight of over-population. Things have changed since then.

Social conscience aside, is it right for you? Is your desire to have kids fueled by your own maternal instincts, or by what you believe you've been mandated (either by society or your religion) to do? They're two very different things, and should not be confused. Why you do something plays a huge role in how much of yourself you're willing to invest in the process without feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and resentful.

Raising kids is a 24/7 job, with no sick or vacation days, that lasts the rest of your life. If it's not something your inner voice tells you to jump into with both feet, "damn the torpedos, full speed ahead!", then wait. Give yourself time to make peace with your other issues before you complicate things irrevocably with kids.

As for the prospect of contracting your husband's herpes... did you not know he had it prior to marrying him? I'm going to assume (which I hate to do) that you did, in which case, it must not have seemed like such a big deal then, or you wouldn't have married him. Right? So what's changed?

Being with a person with herpes is like buying lottery tickets.... sometimes you win, sometimes you don't. Either way, life goes on. It always does, and we adapt to whatever comes our way. Normal is simply whatever we become used to.

It seems to me that, like goldendawn said, you're worrying about things that haven't happened, and may not ever happen. And if they do, and you do contract herpes, you'll find (like most things we build up in our imaginations) that it's just not the monster you had it built up in your mind to be. Most things we fear aren't nearly as bad as the fear itself. For the vast majority of people, herpes is like that. Frankly, for most people, it's little more than an occasional irritation.

As far as the emotional turmoil goes... what do you have to worry about? You'll have gotten it from your husband, through an act of love, and since you won't have to disclose it to anyone, the ridiculous social stigma won't even touch you.

I find it odd that you make no mention of your husband in your post, except to say he carries herpes. Have you not communicated any of your fears to him? If not, you should. His assurance might go a long way in allying your fears. You're not in this alone, you know. There's no need for you to carry the whole weight of your doubts on your shoulders. That's the nice thing about being married... having someone to lean on when the need arises.

My mother always said "things will turn out the way they're supposed to". And you know what? She was always right about that. Maybe they won't turn out the way we planned, or the way we think they should, but they do always work themselves out the way they're supposed to be. Trust yourself. Trust your husband. Trust God. Trust that things will work out the way they're supposed to, and whatever that is, you'll rise to the occasion... because you will.

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