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Marriage and kids in religion


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1. I have always been worried about having kids. The world seems so messed up. Still, I work really hard and hoped to have a big family, because it says in the Bible to be fruitful and multiply. Now I am scared. Even putting aside the small chance of giving the virus to my kids, I worry for my mental health. I am in a serodiscordant relationship. What if I should catch the virus and have terrible outbreaks. I worry for my mental health and keeping my act together. I know I would always take care of my children no matter what, but Im worried too about the strain on a father.

2. Having energy in life is tough. Sometimes when I'm depressed it feels like a have no energy, and that I can't even look at people proudly in the eye or stand up with dignity. Will catching the virus make this more difficult?

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You're worrying about a lot of things that haven't happened, and that is always mentally distressing. The reality is: There is really no chance of passing it to your future children. Many couples are together for years and the negative partner never gets herpes. If you are one of the few who do, your OBs could be mild, as are many , including mine. It is harder for a man to catch it from a woman. Herpes is really not much of a strain unless you let it become one. With meds, it's a mildy annoying skin condition and a virus that many people have. Your depression is a seperate issue and yes, since you're afraid, it probably would worsen with a herpes diagnosis. But you should seel counseling for that now, perhaps through your church. Good luck!

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  • 1 month later...

I'm going to assume, from the tone of your post, that you haven't been married all that long. Please, correct me if I'm wrong.

Marriage is hard, and being a parent is harder. You have reason to be... hesitant. Anyone who pays any attention to the current situation of the world would be wise to consider whether having children (especially a bunch of them) is the best thing to do. I know the Bible says to 'be fruitful and multiply' but you have to remember, that was before the planet was already sagging from the weight of over-population. Things have changed since then.

Social conscience aside, is it right for you? Is your desire to have kids fueled by your own maternal instincts, or by what you believe you've been mandated (either by society or your religion) to do? They're two very different things, and should not be confused. Why you do something plays a huge role in how much of yourself you're willing to invest in the process without feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and resentful.

Raising kids is a 24/7 job, with no sick or vacation days, that lasts the rest of your life. If it's not something your inner voice tells you to jump into with both feet, "damn the torpedos, full speed ahead!", then wait. Give yourself time to make peace with your other issues before you complicate things irrevocably with kids.

As for the prospect of contracting your husband's herpes... did you not know he had it prior to marrying him? I'm going to assume (which I hate to do) that you did, in which case, it must not have seemed like such a big deal then, or you wouldn't have married him. Right? So what's changed?

Being with a person with herpes is like buying lottery tickets.... sometimes you win, sometimes you don't. Either way, life goes on. It always does, and we adapt to whatever comes our way. Normal is simply whatever we become used to.

It seems to me that, like goldendawn said, you're worrying about things that haven't happened, and may not ever happen. And if they do, and you do contract herpes, you'll find (like most things we build up in our imaginations) that it's just not the monster you had it built up in your mind to be. Most things we fear aren't nearly as bad as the fear itself. For the vast majority of people, herpes is like that. Frankly, for most people, it's little more than an occasional irritation.

As far as the emotional turmoil goes... what do you have to worry about? You'll have gotten it from your husband, through an act of love, and since you won't have to disclose it to anyone, the ridiculous social stigma won't even touch you.

I find it odd that you make no mention of your husband in your post, except to say he carries herpes. Have you not communicated any of your fears to him? If not, you should. His assurance might go a long way in allying your fears. You're not in this alone, you know. There's no need for you to carry the whole weight of your doubts on your shoulders. That's the nice thing about being married... having someone to lean on when the need arises.

My mother always said "things will turn out the way they're supposed to". And you know what? She was always right about that. Maybe they won't turn out the way we planned, or the way we think they should, but they do always work themselves out the way they're supposed to be. Trust yourself. Trust your husband. Trust God. Trust that things will work out the way they're supposed to, and whatever that is, you'll rise to the occasion... because you will.

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    • vannen2
      Thanks for the answer, Wilson. Sorry for taking long to come back here, didn't really have the time to sit down on my computer and I've been trying to not think much about it.  I took a blood test and I'm waiting for the result. As of now, the redness covers a slightly bigger area and I feel some occasional itches. It definitely isn't herpes but at this point I've already accepted I have something, nothing like this ever happened before and honestly? If anything comes positive, I deserve it.  Maybe I'll come back with a current picture for the people that may end up in this post in the future. I will come back with the results as well, of course! I looked a lot into this forum and other people's stories have certainly opened my eyes to many things in life, so I'm thankful for that too!
    • WilsoInAus
      No problems @AlexUobby those queries are reasonable concerns and I hope these answers give you comfort. Every test has a minimum value (including between HSV-1 and HSV-2 from the same blood sample). This ranges from 0.01 to 0.80 in theory, but in practice more like 0.01 to 0.40. Any value in this range is very likely a minimum value and means an absence of the antibody being tested for. Hence if you get say a 0.3 value on this upcoming test, then the correct interpretation is that it is a minimum value and means no antibodies at all - negative. IgG testing is far from perfect in terms of them being a little too sensitive and generating false positives. This is because although they try and find the best antigen that attracts only an antibody specific to the virus being tested for, this is imperfect and other proteins may be present that attach to the antigen. This is true for all IgG testing. You will also find a very large number of people on this site whose low positives transpired to be negatives.
    • AlexUobby
      @WilsoInAusI know, and I have read a lot of posts recently. And I think I know it better, and it won't just come out on my hand. And I am planning to do another Roche test. The result may come out next week. If it was still positive, does that mean I have herpes? I mean the baseline was 0.06. Or I understand it wrong? And there are still one thing that concerns me so much. In the 6 week test, my HSV I igg was 0.02 and my HSV II igg was 0.06. I know they both were low. I was a little worried that HSV II igg might be on the process of seroconversion, since the HSV II igg was three times large than the other. I know it wasn't logical, but worried. I just don't quite get how they suddenly jump to 1.2 even 1.9 after 6 weeks if there weren't seroconversion. And I saw a lot of people in this forum, and their value almost stay in the same level. And that really concerns me a lot.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hello @Lou_95 and thank you for taking the time and having the bravery to come forward to seek help. I hope you find some assistance and find solace.  What has occurred here happens to many couples and it is important to note that it highly likely that this has absolutely no questions surrounding fidelity etc. The first thing to note is that your assumption is the other way around. When a person has their first herpes outbreak, then it is extremely likely that they have been just infected by the other party. Herpes does not wait around taking its own sweet time to cause an outbreak. When first infected, you are in a sense 'defenceless' against the virus so havoc can be wreaked - well the lesions that you experienced. If your partner is quite sure they have not been infected genitally with herpes in the past, then the most rational explanation is as follows. Your partner may well have an oral HSV-1 infection that causes oral cold sores, even if he has no living memory of cold sores! You hence may have become infected through oral sex about 2-6 days before you noticed the sores. Your diagnosis may have included the type of herpes involved, was it 1 or 2?  If my guess above is right, then you both now carry HSV-1 and cannot technically reinfect each other, or at least give your immune 6 months to get up to full speed. He is now already immune and is incredibly unlikely (if there is any chance at all) of becoming infected genitally). If this is the story, then that's kind if it for you two, no need to worry at all about issues of protection or antivirals etc. However hopefully you have the type data to proceed to that stage quickly. Otherwise it might be useful for an additional test by either you or he or both.  
    • Lou_95
      Hello, I'm new here and was diagnosed with genital herpes 2 weeks ago. I have a lot of questions but dont know where to start. My boyfriend and I have been in a faithful relationship for 6.5 years now, and I just had my first outbreak and he has never had one before. We are unsure of who had it to begin with, I assume it was me considering I had an outbreak first. I feel awkward and weird in my relationship, and sex life now, even though he was very understanding and accepting with the situation. He said it could have been either of us and there isn't anything we can do to change it.. which is true. I dont really know what I'm looking for here, maybe just some advice and others personal experiences with the same situation as myself. 
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