damaged goods

[rappaccini's.daughter]

I'm twenty years old, and I was diagnosed with herpes 3 months ago. My ex had it for years and never told me or any of his other partners [thanks for nothin' eh?]

When my Dr. told me, I took it as well as anyone could take that kind of news. [by the way, why is it that when people tell you bad news they make you sit down?]

I looked at it as sort of a bad tattoo. Y'know, like ya get drunk and go get "MOM" tattooed on your bum. I went out, dated and a trusted a sociopath, and this was my bad drunken tattoo. Its not going anywhere, my stupid actions put it there and there just isnt much sense in complaining about it now is there?

I was so completely blown away though, I felt like damaged goods, I felt dirty and was taking 2 or 3 showers a day and i felt that no way no how was anyone ever going to be able to see passed it or let alone love me. I was so mortified of transmitting this to someone else that almost instantly the sexual part of my brain 'shut down'.

I didnt want to date anyone, I didnt even want to think about it. And as a rule of thumb, when you decide that you dont want something in your life, the universe ironicaly hands it to you. I met the most amazing person I've been blessed to know. My family and friends havent seen me this happy in years. I told him everything, and he accepted it all with grace and respected me for telling him. He said it didnt bother him a bit and that I was worth more than any sacrifice he'd have to make. Now that we've known eachother for months we really want to share our love with eachother, and I just cant do it. I cant give this to him. He says he wouldnt care if he did get it, but he doesnt KNOW. How can he say that he wouldnt care if he's never had it ??? Now is the time, since I've just been diagnosed, that I'm more likely to transmit it. I feel like this is futile and unfair to him. What is the point in this? It seems that no matter what someone's getting hurt. If I didnt love the heck out of him and feel so at home with him, this would be a much smaller dilema.

I've had more outbreaks that I should be having due to stress and have had to switch my meds around to one that I have to take 5 x a day. Everyone keeps telling me to stop being so stressed and the outbreaks will subside, what the heck kind of request is that??? How can you just tell someone to stop stressing? its not like telling someone to hand you a tissue. It doesnt just *poof* happen. I'm not magic, jeez. I've got someone's future in my hands, and I could very possibly screw his whole life up. I'm not going to be a great big ball of joy for a while.

I seriously lay awake at night and cry and write him letters that I'll never give him telling him that we can't be together. They fill up my trash can.

I'm lost. I feel almost as though if I had the ability to split in to two people I would, and then I would argue with myself.

Oh oh and I know, I know, *monotonous tone* "20 percent of people have this disease" "Its really not that big of a deal anymore" "This is ten diseases ago, didnt you know that?"....... I really dont care if 20 percent of americans have it, they arent with me when I have a breakdown, and I dont care that its "not that big a deal anymore" it sure as heck feels like a big deal to me, and I really dont care if its "ten diseases ago", I have it NOW.

I'm trying to be rational about all of this and in my thoughts and meditations on the matter, but this all seems SO MUCH BIGGER THAN ME.

Sorry if I've bored the crap out of you, but if anyone has any words of wisdom it would be very much appreciated.

Hope all is well with everyone else!

~rappaccini's.daughter

[Razor]

I see why he's so willing to risk himself for you. You are smart, witty, funny (more probably hilarious), big WOW factor kinda girl. I dunno, you have to look at it from his perspective. Look at what HE is getting.

You have a lifetime of relationships ahead of you. There will be the possibility that you could infect someone in that process. What are you suppose to do? Curl up in a ball and roll under a rock? You have to be as careful as possible and that's all you can do. If it was my dream girl, and I was herpes free, the benefit of being with her would far outweigh my fear of a little skin rash. Infecting him would not screw his life up. People contract this virus, they educate themselves, and they move on. Just like you are doing. It's society's ignorant view that makes herpes such the big deal.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself, or rush into anything. Just take it slow and the answers will come.

[dakota60279]

feelings, nothing more than feelings, lol

Oh honey, I had those exact same emotions and thoughts that your having. Ive been living with H for 4 years now and I finally came to the conclusion that if the thought of sex is stressing you out that much, don't consider sex an option at this point. Youve only had the virus for a little while. You have to get used to having it before you start thinking that, "Hey, ive told him and hes still willing, lets go!" I just found someone myself, I told him too, and hes willing to risk getting it to be intimate with me. Sex is such a big issue now that we have something to think about. As responsible adults, we are honor bound to try and prevent the spreading of this disease by our actions. Since this guy sounds like such a great guy, I would honestly talk to him and tell him that your not ready to have sex yet. That you just arn't comfortable with giving him the gift that keeps on giving, (lol), even if he is. Get him some reading material on the disease, have him sign up with the Partners of Loved Ones with Herpes. Have him start talking to other people who are in the same boat. Just remember one thing, communication will make or break any relationship. This one is no different. You did the right thing by telling him and you diserve KUDOs for that. Good Luck

[Pseudopure]

You should totally go for that guy if you haven't already.

[Secret]

People are really more willing to deal with H than you may think. I told a guy about it and he goes "No big deal, my ex had it." It was so crazy to me that I'd built up all of this anxiety and waited so long to tell him and he didn't even care.

I've had meaningful relationships after telling people about it, so having H is not the end of the world. With all that said, it's still hard and I feel your pain. "Telling" is just as difficult each time for me as it was for the first, but know that there's hope.

The feelings you're feeling are normal and natural (as is this blasted disease).

[BoxofRain]

take things slow, do no rush into sex. Explain it to him and he seems so understanding already.....doesn't seem like he would mind waiting a while longer for you to adjust to having this. Listening to your self is what is most important here. I am like you in that if I ever found someone in the future willing to take the risk and be with me I feel i would react exactly as you are....I wonder if I could even risk giving this to someone even if I dont want to be alone and that I do have a lot of love to give. It is so scary, especially if you yourself have not become "ok" with having it......it seems crazy someone else can actually be telling you that they are ok with it.....I've thought about this over and over and am not sure in the future I would be able to go through with it either but I think in time, if this guy is supposed to be with you, then life will work itself out in this case.......just be patient, take time for yourself, give it more time and what is meant to be will eventually be either way.....but it is so important to come to peace within yourself first about having this....maybe you are just not ready for a relationship.....it has been only a few months since you were diagnosed. I have had it a year and a half and am still not "ok" with having this, but am trying every day.....so allow yourself the time...it's a big thing to just be ok with in a few months in my opinion........there are many stages in the journey towards accepting this diagnosis. Maybe you met this guy to give you hope in the future and to realize the right people will still give you a chance in the future and perhaps this little boost of hope is what you need while coming to terms with having this. Who knows.....only time will tell. Just be honest and wait as long as you need to be "ok" with this for yourself.

[shocked2hear]

Please reconsider

Please don't be like another woman that I read on a forum that wrote about contracting herpes from her boyfriend and not loving him and staying with him just because he had it and she did too. That is a sad story. Please don't be part of it. Just think, you did not want this. You did nothing wrong to contract it. Why should you not have the choice of a great guy. You are a wonderful and smart person and are above having limited choices. I feel I am too good to have to limit my choices. You are lucky, you know this guy really loves and cares about you. This is not something that will kill someone, you don't have HIV. You have to think positively, in my case I was not so lucky. I told the guy that I cared about and he high tailed it out of here. Well, guess what he wasn't good enough for me, not educated enough, did not care enough for me and saved me from hurt in the future. I am starting to think of this as a gift as crazy as it sounds. Yes, it is hard to tell people about it and is irritating, but it saves you from the assholes.