Just signed up after G/F told me she has HSVII

[lumix101]

I've been with my girlfriend now for quite some time. I first met her in September of 2005, and we waited about three months before having sex. We were being careful, not rushing into anything, but being sure of ourselves as we went along. We allowed each other the possibility of meeting other people for a few months, until just about this Easter when we decided that we were a committed couple. So, we were having sex for a few months before we decided we would close the door on the possibility of other people.

(We were sexually monogamous during these first few months, just not 100% committed.)

So, three months of no sex, about three months of sex just trying on the idea of being committed, and three months of sex being in love and committed to each other.

Now she has just told me she has herpes, and I am really pissed. I am angry because she did not want to trust me with this information before now. And the only reason she told me was not by her choice, but because it came up in conversation, and she found she could not lie about it when the topic was broached.

I asked her if she had herpes - not seriously, because I assumed she would have told me of any STDs - and she found she had to say "yes".

If it had not come up in conversation, she would not have told me until or unless I had an outbreak. Maybe not even then - I don't know.

I am angry because even before we felt 100% comitted to each other, she chose not to tell me. She felt it was OK to expose me to infection even though she knew there was a likelihood that we would NOT end up together.

She felt comfortable with exposing me unawares, comfortable with the idea that I could carry it unknowing into my next relationship if things did not work out between us. This strikes me as a very selfish thing to do!

She did not want to threaten the relationship early on with this information, she tells me. But this makes me angry that she did not feel I could be trusted with this information, angry that she did not feel as if I had a right to include this information in my decision to be intimate with her!

So, it's not the presence of the virus that bothers me, but the lack of honesty on her part. Her attitude, at this point in our relationship, is that since we have decided to be together, what does it matter if I am infected or not?

I feel betrayed that I have to start to deal with this now. This is something I should have known long ago, and I feel as if it's set us back quite a bit as far as trust and honesty go.

She has always been SO upfront and honest about everything in her life that that is how I always thought of her - direct, honest, forthright. Now, after this, I feel as if I don't really know her.

Sigh.

I love her, but I feel that her choice to keep me in the dark was a purely selfish one, and I find my love somewhat frayed by her non-disclosure. It is safer to tell me now, she thinks, because now it's "too late", but instead of finding comfort in that thought, I find her attitude disturbingly cynical and manipulative.

"Don't tell him NOW", she thought early on, "...wait until he's most likely infected, then it will be too late for him to make up his own mind about it".

Don't I have a right to be angry?

I have not experienced any outbreaks, by the way, or symptoms of any kind, so it's quite possible that I am not infected despite so many months of frequent sex. If I'm not, I'd like to do what I can to remain uninfected and continue the relationship with this woman I love.

Any thoughts on this? What is the "ettiquette" in disclosing information about STDs? Isn't honesty the best policy? How does an infected individual think their partner is going to feel about having news like this sprung on them after months of intimacy?

[bklyngirl25]

hey;

I'm sorry to hear about ur situation. I feel ur g/f shuld have told u before u guys were intimate. its only fair. she was probably scard of rejection but that is no excuse to expose you to this disease. It is not fun to have. It's not life -threatening but it is an inconvenience and it can be emotionally draining. honesty is the best policy and you do have the right to be angry. The attitude that she has is not a healthy one..she can hurt alot of people like that. So you go get checked out and see whats goign on with you. I won't tell you what to do about ur realtionship bcuz love plays a major part in this equation. You do what you feel is best. Take Care Hun

[getonwithlife]

same thing happened to me

MY ex waited 6 months into our sexual relationship to tell me after he had it for 18 years. We did not rush into sex, and waited to we were sure. When he finally came clean, it was just after I gave him oral sex. He had said he was STD free before. I tried to make it work for another 6 months, but I couldn't get over the lying and deceit. I just couldn't trust him. What else didn't I know about him? I have it now. I screwed up and had sex just once (protected) with someone, but will never do it again. Even though now I'm on the other side of things, I don't know how you could trust someone that lied to you after months into this thing.

[Belladonna]

why I do what I do

I agree that honesty is the best policy.

My boyfriend (at the time), cheated on my and then gave me herpes. I hold a lot of hostility and hate towards him and it tears me up emotionally. I know that I have to work through that someday, but when I was diagnosed, it was blatantly clear how I had to handle this.

I never want to inspire that much hate and anger in any human being. I never want to be responsible for that feeling. I will never have sex with someone without disclosing my HSV II status. Of course I stand to face rejection, and that hurts something awful; but the idea of being so deceitful is not something I can deal with--- I need to sleep at night, and to be able to look myself in the mirror.

My ex-boyfriend (not the one who gave me herpes), got tested after our relationship was over and discovered he's HSV II positive now. He's not angry at me, he feels I gave him the information to make an informed decesion. I am so glad I went about it the right way, and that I didn't lose him as a friend; he's actually concerned with me blaming myself and insists that i don't beat myself up about it.

I believe in telling the truth because I believe that is the way to travel through this life hurting as few people as possible.