Had to explain why I wasn't dating this guy anymore...

[92fav]

I am usually a very open person, and I've made a lot of close friends at work. I found out I was a carrier for HSV2 during my last relationship, which broke up in a very painful fashion for other reasons. So, these kind women got me through that breakup.

I finally moved on and starting dating again and was really excited about this new guy, and I was giving my co-workers the play-by-play on the progress with him, e.g., where we went on the dates, if he had called, what we talked about, etc. So, I told him about the herpes before we went beyond kissing, and he rejected me.

So, I went from being excited about the relationship on Friday to being devastated on Monday. The girls wanted to hear the details of my latest date, and I had to suddenly say we weren't dating any more. With four of the five friends, I just said something vague like "It just didn't work out." The co-worker I told already knew about the H because she and I had shared every horror story of our past already (she had been sexually and physically abused by a cousin every day for twelve years!!). She was extremely helpful and came over to my house that Saturday and talked to me because I was hysterical and mildly suicidal. Three of the friends accepted my vague explanation, but the fourth kept on asking questions, so I finally told her. She was very non-judgmental and supportive.

I hadn't told anyone except my mother and my one co-worker until that point. I didn't even tell the two women I had been friends with for 30 years, who I consider my soulmates. It was easy not to at first because they live in different states from me, so I wasn't giving them the daily details of my dating relationships the way I was with my co-workers. When the guy rejected me, I did eventually tell one best friend and my brother, because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to explain why I suddenly wasn't dating the guy any more.

I have other issues that I have been able to hide at work, but usually guys don't reject me because of them. I guess now I can't give people at work the details of new relationships, because there's always that chance that I'll be rejected because of the H, and I won't be able to explain to them what happened. This makes me very sad. Any words of wisdom??

[ouch]

Hi there,

I am glad that you have a little network of support to deal with this stuff. At the same time, I would be very careful about who you tell, especially when it comes to coworkers. It is so easy to share experiences with your coworkers, as you spend such a HUGE chunk of your daily life with these people. But like dating in the workplace, I also find that too much personal information in the work place can blow up in your face.

Until recently, I have been a business woman most of my life, working and/or running an office setting. We women are funny, in that our "locker room" talk tends to be even more graphic than any man can dream of. And I LOVE It. I love that we have such an openess with each other that men just can't understand. BUT....while it is good to have close friends, and confide in one another, I have found that some women are quite catty and have no qualm about telling the rest of the WORLD your personal business. So unless you are ok with the rest of your coworkers knowing your H status, I would be careful who I tell. It is YOUR private, personal business and you have no need to disclose it to anyone. The fact that this woman was so persistent in knowing WHY you and this bloke are not going to see each other anymore makes me think her OWN life must be pretty drab and boring and/or she is a busybody...a snoop.

I am not trying to scare you, I could be totally wrong, but this is just my two cents on confiding this to people in the work environment.

Some people on this board are VERY open with anyone about the fact that they have herpes, and that is cool. Pretty fearless if you ask me, as I am sure they have dealt with snubs, snickers, and downright cruelty due to their honest. At the same time, I am sure they have also put a face onto "herpes" and shed some enlightenment on people who are clueless about it. I admire folks who can do this. I am certainly not one of them.

So yes, my advice to you is, sure, be friendly and talk with your coworkers, but maybe not in such detail. Like I said, for me, there HAS TO BE A SEPERATION OF WORK AND PLAY. They do not need to know all the details of your dating life, sex life and/or relationships. Just play it cool, and keep all the juicy/gory details to yourself.

[92fav]

ouch--

I agree with you completely. I usually don't tell co-workers anything about my *sex* life. All I was doing was saying "Oh, he called me, he seems to really like me!!" etc., and then I had to say we weren't seeing each other any more. I guess I was just naive and didn't expect someone to actually reject me over this. I think the official line that you're fed by the professionals is that being rejected over this is rare, so I was really shocked when it happened. Also, my ex-boyfriend didn't reject me when I found out my status during our relationship, but now I understand that revealing one's status *before* getting sexual is a different story.

So, I guess I will just have to be more reserved, even about non-sexual aspects of the beginning of relationships...

Thanks for responding to my post...

[ouch]

de nada!!

Like I said, I have also worked in an environment with a bunch of ladies, and it IS soooooo easy to get caught up and start spilling the beans. It just depends on YOUR comfort zone and what you are willing to allow in, as well as what you want to divulge.

I am still just glad you DO have people to talk to . It is so important. I tell you what, having herpes will definitely prove to you who your real friends are. They will love you and stick by you no matter what. The people who run or act different after you tell them....they were never a true friend.

As for the potential boyfriend, yeah, it does suck. I understand peoples fears, because I too was one of the fearful ones. Even with my vast knowledge of STDS, I was still fearful (maybe made more so because of where I volunteered at the time) So I understand. It still hurts, but I do know wherethey are coming from. So long as the person is not MEAN to you because of it, OR runs their mouth off and tells everyone. That is just malicious and cruel. Then they need their butts kicked!

I think this lad who "rejected" you was just afraid. It doesn't sound like he is/was malicious. Hopefully the next guy you fall for will be a bit more informed and confident. I think you will be just fine!

[92fav]

Maybe I'm being foolish, but I am still holding out hope for this guy. My ex-boyfriend is (allegedly) getting tested on Wednesday, at which point I will find out if I gave him HSV2. As I mentioned in other posts, I assumed I had given him HSV2 on his face. Now I'm thinking I didn't because HSV2 on the face is rare, and HSV2 on the face that recurs the way his did is almost unheard of. I told the guy who rejected me that I had given the ex-boyfriend HSV2 on the face, which in retrospect would make anyone run. That might indicate that I'm extremely contagious, which I shouldn't be since I apparently contracted this many years ago and I don't have any symptoms that I'm aware of. So, I am waiting most impatiently for the ex to go and get his tests, after which I will wait impatiently for the results.

We shall see...