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graceandgrowth

Diagnosed with my biggest fear...

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graceandgrowth

I spent my entire life fearful of contracting a disease, most fearful of herpes. I would even get grossed out when I saw people with cold sores, including my friends. It's a stigma in our society and I was one who thought only 'dirty' or 'careless' people got genital herpes. Now I am included in that group and my thoughts change everyday. I am extremely confused, not sure how I got it, scared about my future.

Here's the story and I would appreciate anyone's help. Around six months ago (that was around the time when I became sexual with my last boyfriend), there was a time when I had what seemed like an itchy ingrown hair near the crease in my inner thigh. I asked the man I was dating and head over heels for, if he could look at it and tell me what he thought it was, since I was so freaked out over it. He is in the medical field and said, "Looks like an ingrown hair." I had a horrible headache the entire time it was there. A second time a few months ago, same place, same thing and I asked my waxer if she knew what it was. Same answer, "Ingrown hair, don't worry, I'll fix it," and I felt better. Two weeks ago, for a third time, sore throat-headache and the bump is back, but now there are two and they look more like tiny lesions than JUST an ingrown hair. Mind you, my boyfriend and I broke up a month prior to this happening. We were still talking almost daily, but I wouldn't take him back until he made some changes in his life. I was trying to deal with the sadness of that because I found he had been lying to me about seeing other people and I had unprotected sex with him. I know, STUPID. Since becoming sexually active at 21, I was always careful. But, in the last couple of years, there have been a couple of relationships where I wasn't. I don't know if I just got careless. I don't know if it was because I thought it wouldn't happen to me. I don't know.

I was looking up herpes pictures, trying to figure out why after five days, this thing was killing me and wouldn't go away. It was way worse than the first two times and I can't understand why it says the first time is the worst???

I made an appt. with my doctor, she took a sample and said she would let me know as soon as the results came back. I asked her what she honestly thought and she said, "Yes, it probably is herpes." I couldn't stop crying. I always thought herpes would be a big outbreak of blisters, she explained that it is common and often overlooked because people think this same thing. I left feeling devastated. I called my recent ex immediately and told him to meet me and that we needed to talk. He, of course, rushed over thinking I was going to take him back. I cut straight to the chase and started with, "Do you remember that little bump I had?" After I told him, he acted horrified that he must have given it to me, but that he couldn't understand how, because he never had any lesions. It got me thinking, "Did I have one of these bumps in the last year before I met him and just didn't notice it and maybe could have given it to him????"

I know after his separation a year ago, he was out dating a lot before we met (YES, I was dating a separated man, I already said I made some horrible decisions this past year, and all because I was head over heels for this guy and thought this was THE ONE) so I assumed since this recently happened, he MUST have given it to me. I told him to go get tested ASAP. He said he would and is still trying to get back together with me.

To make things worse, two weeks before this diagnosis, I was set up by a friend with a great guy, I have been out with four times now. He told me last night that he has never been so happy and thinks about me all the time. I wanted to cry because now I know I can never have a sexual relationship with this guy without telling him. I am horrified. He has all of the great qualities I was looking for in a guy, he's a gentleman, ready to settle down and have kids and isn't afraid to say it, he calls when he says he'll call, does what he says he will and now I can't enjoy this because I feel damaged. I am afraid if I tell him, he'll freak out and then go back and tell my friends. It makes me want to just stay single forever and have a child on my own so I don't ever have to tell anyone. I feel so alone because the only person I can talk about this with is possibly the one who gave it to me and he has betrayed me to the point that talking to him breaks my heart.

My doctor started me on daily Valtrex. I am still confused whether this means I will still get outbreaks or not. I am researching as much as I can, but have a high-stress job and am having a hard time not being consumed with this. I feel like my dating life is over. I am so afraid that even if I tell this new guy and he isn't freaked out, I could possibly give it to him, even with protection and suppressive therapy. I am still not sure if I want to proceed for the fear of him telling someone. He knows many people I know.

Anyway, I am thankful for finding this site. I believe it will get better, I just need to find a way to reduce the stress already in my life. I need to find a way to forgive myself if I got this in the last year and possibly GAVE it to my recent ex, instead of me thinking the other way around. I just can't remember for the life of me if that first bump was right after we were together, or did I possibly have something before I met him and just didn't know it???? Has anyone else struggled with this not knowing because the symptoms were so mild?????

Thank you for reading and again, any positive feedback is welcome. I will be reading up on other threads on this site to hopefully answer some of these questions. Just feels a little better telling this story since I have no one to tell it to.:(

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shanana

Hey you!

stay strong... no one asked for this, and if the guy you're with really appreciates you for you, equip him with the knowledge he needs and you can go on from there. whats meant to be, will be.

it really sucks, but did you know that 80-90% of people living with genital herpes don't know they have it? who knows... maybe this will encourage him to get tested. virtually everyone around you carries the virus.

i wish you the best of luck! keep your immune system and self esteem up! you are the same person you were before your diagnosis.

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