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hurtin, lost, dont know what to do


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hello everyone,

this is my first time here, obviously right......well any way I an here becasue all I can do is cry. I cant eat, sleep, I still go to work but I feel lost.

A little history.... I was diagnosed w/ herpes 1 and 2, I dont know who what when where or how... I have been w/ my fiance for 2years now and I have never cheated, I cant remember the last time a had a herpes test to narrow it down and to make it worse he has cancer, just went through a series of radiation only to find out a month later that he has herpes 4 ( I think the numbers go 1, 2, 3, 4) whatever the highest number is that is what he has and his doctors say that he can break out all over his body at any time.

Finding out about my diagnosis hurt, but finding out about his broke my heart.

I dont know how long the virus can stay in your system without showing signs and my doctors thing that I got it topically, like from a toilet seat. If that is true then I got it from going to the bathroom at my job that I just started. Now dont get me wrong I dont just sit on public toilet seat... I covered the seat but I remember the day that I went which was only one time and two weeks later i had a rash on my buttox of about 4 to 5 bumps, not on the anus, but higher up like i sat somewhere.

I just dont know what to do how to feel, how to handle this. He says he still wants to marry me but i am not sure if it is because he cant go anywhere else or if he still loves me. I am scared to have sex and I dont know the level of precautions that we should use. Please I dont even know if he can give me the level of herpes that he has.

I am really looking for advice, because i am hurting, I feel like I have no one to talk to and nothing to live for. Is this some kind of punishment for my past???? I dont know becaue nobody is perfect!!!!!!

Thanks for listening..... :cry:

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added info

just to let you all know, I am a 24 yr old graduate students studying public administration and my fiance is 36, never had an std until now. I just feel dirty and violated.

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First of all ....take a deep breath...you are not dirty or disgusting. I am sorry you found out you had this virus, but you CAN work with it. It is not fatal. I can understand your worries/fears, especially since he may already have a hindered immune system, but worrying and calling yourself names and banging your head into a wall ain't gonna help...so...first...breathe deep!

Second...I have not ever heard of any catching herpes from a toilet seat, it would be by a very rare, damn near impossible chance. You would have had to sit on a toilet seat, after someone else leaked a herpes sore onto it (again, almost impossible...) and you would have most likely needed an open sore to make it more possible. AND you would have had to gone to the bathroom immediately AFTER someone leaked said sore onto the toilet seat. So...most who understand and know herpes do not believe this to be a likely way of obtaining it. The doctors who told you this are obviously clueless and uneducated about herpes...like MOST in the medical field. sad but true.

Third. There are quite a few people who have herpes for YEARS and never show signs or symptoms of it, they are totally unaware they have it, or if they do have symptoms, they are so insignifigant that you dismiss it for something else....then oneday, something triggers a BAD outbreak and BOOM....you know you have it, no doubt about it. Perhaps stress, hormones, poor diet, weird diet...anything, can trigger these outbreaks. The unfortunate thing about this situation is that it can ruin many monogamous relationships, as one party think the other was cheating on them (and that is not always the case, as you know.) or that they just lied to them.

Chances are you caught this in your past and never had any signs or symptoms of it until recently. As for herpes 1, you could have caught that in childhood....did you every get coldsores on your mouth? If so, then you had/have herpes. People just give it a nicer name...coldsores...unfortunately many are very delusional about what a coldsore is....they like to tell themselves it is NOT herpes, thus, not contagious. Nothing can be further from the truth.

There is SO much good information right here in this forum. Read up on it. Educate yourself so you know how to battle this virus and stay on top of it. I tell everyone this (and it doesn't apply to herpes only!) knowledge is power. The sooner you and your boyfriend get a grasp on this, the easier it will get to deal with it. He especially doesn't need any added stress or drama .... he obviously has enough on his plate. He needs to focus on getting strong and healthy, which in turn will fight the herpes.

Good luck and keep us posted on your situation and I hope you man gets well soon and this cancer goes into remission for GOOD.

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Guest dangermouse
Is this some kind of punishment for my past???? I dont know becaue nobody is perfect!!!!!!


This is definitely not a punishment, it just "is". Bad things happen to good people, they just never told us that when we were growing up. So don't beat yourself up!

I hope soon you'll be feeling so much better you can change your name to "hurtbutstillgoingstrong". Keep the faith!

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thanks for responding ouch and dangermouse, I really appreciate it. I've only know for 2 weeks an I have just been trying to cope w/ the idea of having H. but after i found this site I have learned a lot. And ouch your right he most definately does not need the added stress. As far as educating myself, I have been on so many websites, reading up on this and I have made a list of questions that I am going to take to my doctor to have answered. You both are right, this is not the worst that can happen and it is not the end of the world. Its like sometimes I am just beating myself up over this......but it really does make me feel better to read what others have gone through and to know that I am not alone in the way that I feel.

Ouch, i've never had a cold sore, bumps on my vagina, other than a razor bump here or ther or on my anus. But from searching from infomration last night I really have learned a lot.

I am still not comfortable with it, and I am scared and ashamed to have to have sex w/ him so I just avoid him as much as I can given that we live together.

I was thinking of looking into support groups or counseling or something to really cope w/ all of my feeling from having H and from other things in my past. I really dont know what i want to do yet but I will never stop learning and dangermouse maybe i will change my name to something a little more upbeat :lol:

Besides on top of all of this, I think I might be pregnant :!: , not sure yet.....gotta go to the doctor..... Wish me luck :wink:

Thanks again, it was nice chatting w/ you two: ttyl

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I am glad you are feeling a little teeny bit better. I know how shocking it is when you first find out. There are a bevy of emotions...anger, fear, hurt, ANGER (hahaha, I have alot of that at times, usually when I have an outbreak!) :p

But something to keep in mind too....HE may have been the one who had it first...and never had symptoms until NOW (when his body is under so much stress.) and he might have passed it onto YOU! So playing the blame game isn't going to help, but unless you truly feel you were the one who was exposed to it before meeting him, it is a two way street. He is older and I am SURE he was not a virgin when he met you. If he has a different strain of herpes than you do, then he caught it elsewhere....not from you! (have a doctor bloodtest you to type the strain of herpes you have. ....or did you do that already, I can't remember.) That might appease some of the guilt you are feeling...but then you BOTH must be careful as you BOTH have a different strain. HSV1 is different from 2, and 2 different from 4 (what IS that by the way...? I am going to have to look it up, I know there are several different strains...)

How do you feel if you are preggo? is this a good thing or a bad thing?

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    • CHT
      Hello "FeelingLost".... your fears and concerns are understandable but, nothing you've described regarding the sexual encounter would cause you to contract herpes.... further, your symptoms are not herpes related.  Best of all, your doctor is correct, your results don't show any herpes here.  You can relax.... definitely have your GP take a look at things and see what might be causing the symptoms but, again, none of them are typical herpes related.  I wish you the best in terms of talking to your wife about this encounter.... hopefully she will understand and you both can work through this amicably.  We all make mistakes.... be careful not to beat yourself up too hard over this.... you can become so racked with guilt that you start imagining physical symptoms.  Best of luck.... and take care..... come back to the site if you have questions.
    • FeelingLost75
      Hi (I’m really scared and feel really disappointed in myself and worried about my future), I had oral sex with a condom almost 3 weeks ago and a massage parlor. I also received a hand job at the same time prior to putting a condom on, also may have rubbed my penis on her back a little. Did not touch her genitals I don’t recall any sores on her back. After the event she handed me a pice of TP and after I took off the condom I wiped my penis head to clear away the excess ejaculation…this is where I suspect I got infected, she had just gone pee and wiped and maybe touched a sore or something and then I got it on my penis from the tp? Idk. I’m just flailing.   After this I’ve had discomfort on the skin below the head of my penis and 4 bumps for 2 weeks now, the bumps don’t seem to have changed in size. I also had frequent urination for about a week and have had dull pain in my groin on and off. I also have some pins and needles on the sides of my abdomen/trunk that get worse when I go out in the heat or get dehydrated. I’ve had a lot of trouble sleeping, likely due to guilt and shame and worry about the future.   so I got one test done at 10 days from the event (idk know if this can tell me anything… the doctor assured me it was 100% correct and I don’t have herpes. I was not physically examined). I got a full panel std. neg for everything. HSV-1 results: IgG 0.3 / HSV-2 IgG 0.9 hsv-1 IgM = 2.2 hsv-2 IgM = 3.0 (Reference V. Negative: Less than 9.0 Borderline: 9.0 to 11.0 Positive: Greater than 11.0) I have an appointment with my GP on Thursday, hoping he can help. Will likely go to a std testing service tomorrow to see if I can get in an antiviral proactively. Plan to get tested again this week.    
    • TS4real
    • FeelingLost75
      How are you doing now?
    • TS4real
      May 13 ( day I will never forget).. a guy I was dating and I drank way to much and decided to have anal sex. We did use protection however, not enough lube, wasn’t done correctly and it was painful. So bad that I yelled out and fell off the bed. Anyway, oral was also performed on me anal and vaginal. Flash forward to 3-4 days after that. I was in the most intense pain I had ever felt. I went to a gyn she tool one look and said it looks like herpes. She swabbed me . 2 days after that, yes it’s HSV1 . I was still in pain, irritated anal area and vaginal area and It was unbearable.  today, I still have irritation and itchy and when I pass a bowel i’m in pain and the itch is crazy.     When I first was diagnoses the gyn gave me valtrex which I did not take bc I was in so much pain I could not move for 2 days.  Groin lymphs were swollen I had fever , tired etc.  I am wondering if I had taken the valtrex would it have kinda liked stopped the virus in it’s tracks enough to reproduce? Do people see a correlation between no more outbreaks and immediate initial valtrex  use ? I am 43, I never thought this wound happen as I am not a promiscuous person, I hardly date and I always use protection when I do have intercouse , have yearly std tests. I’m just so sad that i’m at this point right now . I’m trying not to get depressed but this is making my body feel miserable. I’m an avid runner and biker and mom of two teens. I feel like my life as I knew is over. I want to feel better already.
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