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hopelessbuthopeful

Why did it have to be the STD with no cure?

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hopelessbuthopeful

I was just diagnosed with herpes about a week and a half ago. I'm pretty sure herpes is one of the only STDs with no cure, or is the only one... anyway, this hurts me so much. I've had a couple of friends get chlamydia, bacterial infections, etc. but you can clear that up with a pill or shots. Herpes is forever and that is what upsets me the most, I can't learn from my STD mistake and move on and be more careful, I'm stuck with it.

I just am really lost. I'm not really concerned about any other relationships like family or friends, except for partners. I figure, regardless of if I tell my friends or family (which I'm not doing), it won't affect them - I'm not rubbing genitals with them, so I know that life continues in that sector...

But I am ridiculously worried about dating. I date often and sex is very, very important to me when I'm in a relationship. I don't know how things will ever be the same again. Before being diagnosed I was dating someone... and now after being diagnosed I am dating someone else. Dating is something that is really common to my life and I've met so many wonderful people - talk to all of exes or am really good friends with guys that didn't work out. BUT now, with this diagnosis what am I gonna do??? For me, thinking about there even being a possibility I can give this to someone makes me weary of sex. I know that's crazy, and based on how my life used to be... I don't know how to reconcile these feelings. I wish I had any other STD that was curable. Give me a week or two of crazy gonorrhea pain, then just the simple fact of having this virus in my body FOR LIFE and making every partner susceptible, no matter how small the chance.

All my other friends and I go out alot, go on dates with men, talk about sex, lead that normal twenties life-style, but now I'm gonna be different. When I start dating a new guy they're going to ask me questions about sex, etc. and it's gonna stress me out. I'm not like them anymore - they don't have to stress about having "the talk", they can have whatever crazy sex they want, but most importantly, they don't have this monkey on their back dictating their life.

Before this, I've had something like fuck buddies before. If I was out of a relationship, I had no qualms about practicing safe sex with someone who maybe just wasn't interested in a relationship at the time. It's something else that my friends talk about - for instance, we are located in a new place for a small amount of time, so maybe marriage isn't on our minds... so they're all looking for "fuck buddies". I cannot have this conversation with them anymore, bc that can no longer be part of my life.

I know it seems small, but I just loved my life and was so happy with what I was. Now my life is forever changed. As mentioned before, I can't look back on this and learn. For example, I stopped performing oral on a guy and so did my friend, bc my friend got chlamydia from him. However, she got a pill and was able to move on with her life being a bit wiser. Me... I'm doomed.

In addition, for me, the genital herpes % is not enough! I'm in an American but living in the UK. In the states I think it's 16% for GH, UK is 10%... I know oral herpes is much higher % but it's not stigmatized like GH is. I've known cold sores were herpes since I was young.... but then so are chicken pox, etc. Herpes on your mouth is more accepted obviously, even though I know the transmission risks still apply. But yes, the % is not enough for me. For example, over 6 million people have car accidents in the US... but I've met like 2 of them. Give me 40% or something so I don't feel like a weirdo... but don't wave the 10% GH at me and tell me it's sooo common.

I'm just so lost, I was such a normal, attractive, motivated person before my diagnosis. I thought I was a catch, now I don't know how I'll ever have that amazing life I imagined. I figure if I do meet someone, I'll probably be settling.

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Number7

Hopelessbuthopeful:

It's normal for you to have these thoughts - I--at times--still have (some) of them; however, I'm not sure you realize how much you were putting yourself at risk for cervical cancer. Men cannot be tested for hpv and that is what causes this kind of cancer. It might not show up til years later, but the more partners you have, the higher the risk---just like herpes. With every "negative" can come a "positive". My 58 y/o brother just got over treatment for throat cancer. His doctor attributed it to the "sexual revolution of the 70's) -- oral sex. The cancer lied dormant in his body, then exploded.

You are not the "sex" you can give to a man. I hope, in time, you start to feel better about this because the alternative will bring you down time and time again. You are what you are on the inside - I hope you come to realize that and wish you much happiness. You are young and have so much ahead of you.

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bestronger

Hopelessbuthopeful, I can relate to some parts of your statement; I read your post because the title was exactly what I have been feeling. I was infected when I lost my virginity and well, the first thing I thought was - why did it have to be H??? Out of all the STDs I could've caught to learn a lesson, why did it have to be the incurable? I don't live in the States either and the percentage thing no way makes me feel easier; I don't actually care how many people have it. I'm just scared of the pain and the risk of passing it on to my future child. I don't know if you've ever thought about that, since your main concern seem to be about sex and conversations about sex... I still want to kill myself every time I realize what I've done to myself. At the same time, I notice there's nothing I can do now. If I end up alone, I guess that was how my life was meant to be. I'm sorry you're feeling sad you're no longer going to be able to have the sex life you adored so much. I hope you'll find something else that interests/satisfies you as much as sex. I mean, you'll still have sex - just not casual sex. You'll probably get over that part once you find someone you really love.

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hopelessbuthopeful

I know the hpv risks, I get paps more than any normal person should haha! Just as I do tests. I was always taught for people who want to have sex to just be safe. I've been safe 95% of the time :( ahhh well. For me, I do want that magical relationship and prefer that to casual ones 100%, BUT at times I just want sex when that potential amazing partner is not present. And it's not a one way thing - not only do the men just want it, I just want it. But as mentioned above, I feel like I will have to get over it... which I guess is fine, it's different, but I have to do it.

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hopelessbuthopeful

For me passing it on to my future child is a factor. But I have read enough to know that if I happened to have an outbreak at the time, a c-section is possible, and that is enough to ease my mind about that. Other things DO make me happy, that's why I'm saying I know life goes on. I have my health, family, friends, sanity... and I know that's enough. But for me... eh until a certain age, sex is nice and something I like in a relationship. I know I'm not crazy to thing that. I think for me, it's just kinda weird to think that part of me has to kinda go away, bc I was fine with it. And as I mentioned to Number 7, I would completely prefer that person I love, and I have been lucky enough to find a few. BUT in absence of those times, the old me did have sex with men who were fuck buddies (albeit it was monogamous hookups (or at least on my part)), but my choice, bc I wanted to. It's just weird that now I have to say goodbye to that side so soon, that's all. And to be in such a different life stage than my friends now.

But yeah, I just wish I could have learned my lesson from something curable. That woulda set me straight. Now this is setting me straight as well as limiting my options to meet someone :(

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angelstar838

yea it really sucks. I feel limited now. Its like whoa im in that 25% of women who have to carry this stigmatized disease. Hsv was the last thing on my mind I never knew it was so common. One day I wanna go without crying I wanna go back in time I just cant :(

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